ryanws6

I've been looking through some of the postings here. I knew I wasn't alone but I feel at the cross roads. Married for 9yrs with 2 so dear to my heart kids. My wife has drank for 3 yrs with maybe only 5 days without a drink in that period. She finally said yes she has a problem but does nothing, she says so much BS now that I don't trust her words anymore. I feel young in my late 30s and I'm at the point of saying is this my life?? I'm so sad and feel so alone. I draw stength from my kids but so unhappy alone inside. Problem is she becomes Mr. Hyde, verbal abusive and just total lack or respect to anyone. I'm so worried how my kids will react when they find the truth. They are 3 and 8. I'm holding it all together job, house, kids and finances but I want to leave. Love, yes, in love no. Too much hurt and I know she will always have this problem. She doesn't face things. My biggest fear is leaving my 2 treasures with her. She'll fall in so deep and crash if I leave. I know nothing yet of the leagal process. I just can't take the abuse. I'm a man in the truest meaning and its so hard not to become physical when she taunts me. I just keep thinking what's valuable to me is seeing my kids grow every day and providing the suport they need as a responsible parent. I can't talk to anyone in my family only 2 left. I've talked to her parents and they act like its my problem and they say something but she blows them off. They're part of why she is like this. Thanks

fullcode

You'll never be alone now that you found others that have been where you are at, you can never loose hope, its not the end of your world if things don't work themselves out with your wife, you do need to file first for custody of your children as thats the resposible thing to do and you should find a Guidiance center/alcohol abuse program intervention facility to drive up to and walk her in to listen to the admittance director as his support with yours and pictures of her kids you lay on the table in front of her that may convence her to stay 28 days,thats a start right! so later if things don't work out you can at the very least tell your children there mother had a chance but it didnt work out. My parents divorced when I was two, I can remenber when I first started to understand my mother liked whiskey more than me, I was 7 years old, I left home at 15 with many, many bad memories, I will always remember the good time too, my mother died from alcohol abuse January 27, 1987 at 49 young years, my brother is dying right now from alcohol abuse CVNICU Venterlator breathing tube tied to a bed unconcius
with no more chances as he has complete liver failure, bleeding , swelling
there is nothing I can do I feel very helpless and bitter, I have 3 children & a wife who love me I look at my children and thank god they are what I live for. Hope is in your heart, god bless

bearfeet

ryanws6 I think you will find a lot of support here. Keep reading the stickies and I would advise you to get some legal advice and speak to your dr about some sort of counselling. I really identify with your fears and you feeling "so sad and so alone" but in just saying out loud that this is how you are feeling you have taken a good step. Take advice and start taking care of yourself and your two "treasures", they are ulitmatley going to thank you for all the love and protection you will give them.

Lots of far wiser and more wonderful members than me wil be along to give you advice and support here but I just wanted to say Hi and that you are not alone.

xcxcxcxcxcxcxc

SuperTrucker65

Stay strong, for Your Kids sake's! That is a Tough spot to Be in, Buddy!! Like Bearfeet said... Look into legal advise! You Can't leave, and leave the kids with Her!! I think You know that!! Hang in there!! Have You tried setting some Boundries, or "Drinking Rules", So to speak, for Her, because of the Verbal Abuse? Have You considered going to an AL-Anon Meeting?

I wish You Luck, Friend!! You have picked a Wonderful Site, to get support and Advise, from!! SR is Fantastic!!

Stay Strong!!

~Rob~

catlovermi

It is very good you have recognized this threat to your ability to keep control. If you were ever to lose control of your temper and get physical, it would give her a huge amount of leverage in claiming custody if you were to separate. Please take actions to remove yourself or your wife from a situation before you are worn down to the point of losing control. Because alcoholism is chronic and progressive, the stress will only get higher as she spirals down into her disease. Have an escape plan mentally plotted out to follow if you feel this loss of control coming. It could be as simple as leaving the room, and having a plan where to go, until you have composure, again. But have a plan. Research has shown that people who mentally rehearse what to do in an emergent situation are much more likely to act on their plan.

There are many, many experienced folks here with stories of their journeys out of the hole you are in: married to an active substance addict, with small children living through the dangers and stresses of such a household.

There is hope for a better life; many people here will attest to that. People here can show you how, as can Alanon. Alanon is a group for friends and family of alcoholics that helps the families cope. They are free and have local support meetings just about everywhere.

Wecome, to the beginning of your journey, to heal.


CLMI

ryanws6

Thank you all for the kind words. I almost teared reading them. Last night is when I decided to so a search and I landed here. She was over the top last night and I tried to go to sleep in our 4th bedroom but all she did was start banging on the door telling me to come to bed. I yelled your going to wake the kids stop it but she kept going. I was so tired that all I wanted to do was get to sleep. Yet here I was writing this at 1:30am. I knew if I waited for another 1/2hr she'd just pass out. I've already thought of many different options and trying to be smart and set this up right. As far as the choosing part, everyone goes through some sort of rough financial period but there was this time we were short for a couple days and I had to some food, well I knew if I came home without the wine and cigaretts she'd flip, so half of what I had was food and the rest there. This was the test for me and she FAILED.

After wrinting last night, I came to realize she always drank since I met her. Just that when dating, going out etc. it can be hidden.

What's happened is I can't go to a social gathering because I can't enjoy myself and I dred coming home even more. So I don't drink a drop anymore. I miss the fun, laughing and loving feeling. I can move on and would've long ago but my kids have me chained.

Point is I've stuck around because, as of yet, she doesn't drink in the day but as soon as the sun starts to go down watch out. I call her 9 o'clock Hyde. If she was a happy drunk or horny drunk I might be able to dral with it better but an angry, very aggressive, moody, with no reasoning or respect is my big problem.

Even my 3yr old who I feel is my gift, he said Momma you smell. She still reeked from the last night. She said that hurt but BS she's still at it.

I guess I could go on and on.

FlwrofFrgttng

It's helped me SOME to realize it's considered a sickness (whether I believe that or not). It helps me not to take it all as personally. That doesn't always work as my last night freak out proved but, it helps me pull through sometimes when I look at it that way. Do you think that can help you deal a bit better until all of your ducks are in a row?

I really wish I knew what to say or how to help, but if I did I wouldn't be in pretty much your same situation right now. So if that helps at all, I understand. I lived it.

WLDKATZ

Start with their school and day care centers, tell them that there is a problem, cut off the money YOU HAVE TO SET BOUNDRIES....if it gets to much take legal custody and throw her out of the house.....it is called tough love......it is the hardest thing in the world to do, and I am speaking both sides of the coin but day 630 into my recovery I KNOW it is the best thing, she will eaither come to her senses or she will HAVE to move on, you dont deserve this........
good Luck,
Pamm

Barbara52

Please act for your kids sake if not for your own. Talk to an attorney and find out what your options are. Knowledge will let you consider your choices from a position of power.

You cannot control, cure or change your AW. You cna protect your kids and yourself and change your living arrangements if necessary.

LaTour

Thanks for posting. I'm a newbie too, and I share your pain. I have an AW too, and two girls not quite teens.

My wife agreed to drinking boundaries, and then abused them when drunk.

One of the best things to happen recently was when the authorities got involved. When they forbid my AW to be alone with the kids, she FINALLY went to her first AA meeting. She's out of the house now, at least temporarily, and the house is happy again.

Do you have friends or family who can help with the kids? No point keeping your AW's drinking a secret.

I too was raised to be strong and take charge, so stuff like asking for help, opening up, does not come naturally. You're getting good advice here. Keep coming back and sharing with us.

GiveLove

Glad you found us, ryanws.....I too would encourage you to talk with an attorney just to find out what the lay of the land is. It doesn't mean you have to act on what you learn, but at least you can see what might happen if you chose to remove yourself and your kids from this horrendous situation. Be sure to explain why you think she would be a danger to the kids when alone with them. There are several single fathers here on this site who have done this successfully.

They are not too young to be damaged by all that's going on around them.

You might check out a local meeting of Al-Anon for extra support. They're for the loved ones of alcoholics and I personally found some awesome support there.

Bernadette

but my kids have me chained....

to the marriage?

It's a common mistake to think that "saving the marriage" for the children is the goal.

Try to set your goal as a happy, healthy, warm, and consistent home life for your children and yourself. Does an active alcoholic mother fit into that scenario?

I wish my mother had had the courage to REALLY protect us kids from my father's drinking and its effects on us, instead of choosing to live in denial and rage with it.

You mention one of your children is 8? I guarantee you that child knows something is terribly wrong. I did. I might not have been able at 8yrs old to name it "alcoholism" and since no rational adult chose to be honest with me and call it that, I grew up with a lot of confusion, anger, frustration, fear etc. And ultimately I have a very superficial relationship with my mother - because she could never GET REAL with me.

So glad you found SR - and you know you are not alone.

It is so very sad - but you can still have a peaceful beautiful life - it all begins within YOU!!!

peace-
b

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Chrysalis123

Hi Ryanws, I'm sorry for what you are going through. It it hell, I know because I went through it too. Knowledge is power, so like the others said go see a lawyer and get all of your questions answered. The lawyer will explain to you about custody in your state. In the meantime DOCUMENT everything that concerns you in a log for your eyes only. It may come in handy one day.

guiab

This may sound harsh, but your children are already being affected. Your kids already know something is very wrong - they know there is an elephant in the room. If you have not spoken with them about the problem, then you are giving them a first-rate lesson in denial.
I grew up with alcoholic parents and many of my earliest memories of my parents have them drunk and fighting. The 'best' lessons of an alcoholic family are those learned early.
You should go to alanon meetings and in some meetings you can bring children (it is best to attend a meeting alone and ask first). And, yes, you should consult a lawyer.