Alcoholic boyfriend (now ex) - long winded, but i'd be grateful for any advice
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Alcoholic boyfriend (now ex) - long winded, but i'd be grateful for any advice
Hey all,
i've not posted here before but I was hoping some of you would be able to read my long winded post and give me advice. It is in regards to a situation i’ve just been through and I would appreciate any feedback immensely.
My boyfriend and I (I am 24, he is almost 28) were together on and off for about 1.5 years. The last six months of this period were more serious. When he and I first met, he had considerable baggage. He was still living with his ex girlfriend, who was abusive towards him and did whatever she could to make his life sheer hell. He drank frequently (most nights) and even admitted to me that he had issues with alcohol. Although this was the case, he was gentle, caring and never violent or abusive towards me in any way.
Eventually his ex moved out and I thought things would get better for him. Unfortunately I was wrong. He still allowed this girl to dictate his life and spent a considerable amount of time with her. Apart from being a horrible person in general (she hit him, humiliated him in public and more), according to what he has told me, she was/is also a heavy drinker. Smitten and silly as I was, I still stuck around because during the time we spent together he treated me so well.
About seven or so months ago, he quit his job and was unemployed for a considerable amount of time. During these months, he could no longer afford to drink and cut off his abusive ex. Finally things were going more smoothly for us and I never got the impression that he craved alcohol or that he was aggressive or stressed by the lack of it ( though in all honesty, I did only get to spend two, maybe three days and nights a week with him. So perhaps he was able to cover it up in my presence?). Eventually he was hired at a bar in the city; a place where he and was provided with copious amounts of free alcohol both during and at the end of his shifts. Suddenly everything changed.He was no longer reliable and was barely keen to see me. I was happy that he was making new friends, but suddenly they became more important. I went on a five day holiday and he only called me once (I was unable to contact him). He became obsessed with his new way of life. He would drink basically every night at work and would hit the town frequently on his nights off – sometimes even passing by my workplace to grab some food the next day at around lunchtime, on his way home from his alcohol infused night/morning.
I recently pointed out to him that things were changing and that there no longer seemed to be any space left in his life for me. Deep down I knew this was due to his frequent excessive drinking, but I did not want to admit it or offend him by pointing it out then and there. A few days later he informed me that "we are worlds apart, i'm a rock and roller and i'm just too good at being good. We can talk if you want to fight for your love". I was shocked. He was obviously
referring to his all nighters out on the town, but the way he spoke was so repulsive, so filled with a false sense of ego that I knew there must be more to it. Was he merely trying to cover up the fact that he has low self esteem and a drinking problem?
So at the end of my very very long winded post I ask, what do I do? I've told him that I can't be with him anymore; I believe he is an alcoholic and that only he can help himself. I need distance from him because since he got the bar job and has started drinking heavily again, all he does is drag me down. It was almost like I was the most important thing in his world and then suddenly, from one day to the next, I became worthless.
Whilst this is the case, i'm devastated. I can't stop crying because he had the ability to be such a beautiful human being and i'm worried about what will become of him. Is there any sort of advice I can give him? What does one say to an alcoholic who won't admit he has a problem and is currently enjoying his life as a "rock and roller who is just too good at being good"?
i've not posted here before but I was hoping some of you would be able to read my long winded post and give me advice. It is in regards to a situation i’ve just been through and I would appreciate any feedback immensely.
My boyfriend and I (I am 24, he is almost 28) were together on and off for about 1.5 years. The last six months of this period were more serious. When he and I first met, he had considerable baggage. He was still living with his ex girlfriend, who was abusive towards him and did whatever she could to make his life sheer hell. He drank frequently (most nights) and even admitted to me that he had issues with alcohol. Although this was the case, he was gentle, caring and never violent or abusive towards me in any way.
Eventually his ex moved out and I thought things would get better for him. Unfortunately I was wrong. He still allowed this girl to dictate his life and spent a considerable amount of time with her. Apart from being a horrible person in general (she hit him, humiliated him in public and more), according to what he has told me, she was/is also a heavy drinker. Smitten and silly as I was, I still stuck around because during the time we spent together he treated me so well.
About seven or so months ago, he quit his job and was unemployed for a considerable amount of time. During these months, he could no longer afford to drink and cut off his abusive ex. Finally things were going more smoothly for us and I never got the impression that he craved alcohol or that he was aggressive or stressed by the lack of it ( though in all honesty, I did only get to spend two, maybe three days and nights a week with him. So perhaps he was able to cover it up in my presence?). Eventually he was hired at a bar in the city; a place where he and was provided with copious amounts of free alcohol both during and at the end of his shifts. Suddenly everything changed.He was no longer reliable and was barely keen to see me. I was happy that he was making new friends, but suddenly they became more important. I went on a five day holiday and he only called me once (I was unable to contact him). He became obsessed with his new way of life. He would drink basically every night at work and would hit the town frequently on his nights off – sometimes even passing by my workplace to grab some food the next day at around lunchtime, on his way home from his alcohol infused night/morning.
I recently pointed out to him that things were changing and that there no longer seemed to be any space left in his life for me. Deep down I knew this was due to his frequent excessive drinking, but I did not want to admit it or offend him by pointing it out then and there. A few days later he informed me that "we are worlds apart, i'm a rock and roller and i'm just too good at being good. We can talk if you want to fight for your love". I was shocked. He was obviously
referring to his all nighters out on the town, but the way he spoke was so repulsive, so filled with a false sense of ego that I knew there must be more to it. Was he merely trying to cover up the fact that he has low self esteem and a drinking problem?
So at the end of my very very long winded post I ask, what do I do? I've told him that I can't be with him anymore; I believe he is an alcoholic and that only he can help himself. I need distance from him because since he got the bar job and has started drinking heavily again, all he does is drag me down. It was almost like I was the most important thing in his world and then suddenly, from one day to the next, I became worthless.
Whilst this is the case, i'm devastated. I can't stop crying because he had the ability to be such a beautiful human being and i'm worried about what will become of him. Is there any sort of advice I can give him? What does one say to an alcoholic who won't admit he has a problem and is currently enjoying his life as a "rock and roller who is just too good at being good"?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi mullanes and WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!
Whilst this is the case, i'm devastated. I can't stop crying because he had the ability to be such a beautiful human being and i'm worried about what will become of him. Is there any sort of advice I can give him? What does one say to an alcoholic who won't admit he has a problem and is currently enjoying his life as a "rock and roller who is just too good at being good"?
In my opinion the only "advice" you can ever give an alcoholic is the telephone number to local AA.
And then YOU just have to let it go, back off, live and let live.
He is a grown man.
His life is based on his choices!! And he has a right to drink all day every day if he chooses.
There is nothing you can do to stop him or "get him to see" or any other such nonsense.
My brothers too (and I would imagine many of the alcohoics people refer to on this board) are absolutely charming, handsome, sweet, witty, warm fellows - beautiful human beings - when they are sober...but they aren't sober much anymore. Alcoholism is a progressive disease...and yet sadly the body and the many enablers that an alcoholic keeps close by can make for a long long progression of suffering before the real weight of the impact of the disease starts to have any resonance for the alkie--often for many it is too late and they never choose recovery.
So - ENOUGH already about the alcoholic!!!!!
This board is for YOU.
What are you doing to get yourself to a healthier place? Are you caring as much about your decisions and your future and your mental health as you are about his??
You are the only person in this world who you can change - and the results will be FABULOUS if you set your mind to it!!
peace,
b
Whilst this is the case, i'm devastated. I can't stop crying because he had the ability to be such a beautiful human being and i'm worried about what will become of him. Is there any sort of advice I can give him? What does one say to an alcoholic who won't admit he has a problem and is currently enjoying his life as a "rock and roller who is just too good at being good"?
In my opinion the only "advice" you can ever give an alcoholic is the telephone number to local AA.
And then YOU just have to let it go, back off, live and let live.
He is a grown man.
His life is based on his choices!! And he has a right to drink all day every day if he chooses.
There is nothing you can do to stop him or "get him to see" or any other such nonsense.
My brothers too (and I would imagine many of the alcohoics people refer to on this board) are absolutely charming, handsome, sweet, witty, warm fellows - beautiful human beings - when they are sober...but they aren't sober much anymore. Alcoholism is a progressive disease...and yet sadly the body and the many enablers that an alcoholic keeps close by can make for a long long progression of suffering before the real weight of the impact of the disease starts to have any resonance for the alkie--often for many it is too late and they never choose recovery.
So - ENOUGH already about the alcoholic!!!!!
This board is for YOU.
What are you doing to get yourself to a healthier place? Are you caring as much about your decisions and your future and your mental health as you are about his??
You are the only person in this world who you can change - and the results will be FABULOUS if you set your mind to it!!
peace,
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3
Bernadette,
first of all I would like to say thank you. You are completely right. It is high time I started to think of myself. As you said, he is an adult and is making a conscious decision to go down that path again. Being a first-timer to the whole relationship thing, I naively believed that I could be his "saviour" so to speak. I now realise that he can only help himself. As long as he tries to cover up his drinking problem with a false ego ie. comments such as "i'm a rock and roller and am too good at being good", he won't be worth anything to any girl. I just hope that he comes to terms with it soon and seeks help.
You write: "What are you doing to get yourself to a healthier place? Are you caring as much about your decisions and your future and your mental health as you are about his???"
This got me thinking. Telling him that I have had enough and can no longer handle his problem was a good start. Now I need to start thinking about uni again, possibly a new job at some stage and eventually, when i'm ready, I might even go about meeting a guy without such baggage. Someone reliable who doesn't drink until sunrise most nights. Someone who deserves me and all I have to give.
So thanks again. I know my issue is miniscule compared to some of the sad things i've read in this forum, but I needed to vent and your response has been a great help.
first of all I would like to say thank you. You are completely right. It is high time I started to think of myself. As you said, he is an adult and is making a conscious decision to go down that path again. Being a first-timer to the whole relationship thing, I naively believed that I could be his "saviour" so to speak. I now realise that he can only help himself. As long as he tries to cover up his drinking problem with a false ego ie. comments such as "i'm a rock and roller and am too good at being good", he won't be worth anything to any girl. I just hope that he comes to terms with it soon and seeks help.
You write: "What are you doing to get yourself to a healthier place? Are you caring as much about your decisions and your future and your mental health as you are about his???"
This got me thinking. Telling him that I have had enough and can no longer handle his problem was a good start. Now I need to start thinking about uni again, possibly a new job at some stage and eventually, when i'm ready, I might even go about meeting a guy without such baggage. Someone reliable who doesn't drink until sunrise most nights. Someone who deserves me and all I have to give.
So thanks again. I know my issue is miniscule compared to some of the sad things i've read in this forum, but I needed to vent and your response has been a great help.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi mullanes!
I know my issue is miniscule compared to some of the sad things i've read in this forum
Not true not true!!
Some of the sad stories you read on here from spouses or significant others or brothers or sisters - the really gnarly yukky stories - are just things that could happen to any one of us if we continue down the dangerous road of trying to fix other people, or trying to tell other people what's good for them, or enabling alkies/addicts, or making other people's serious problems OUR serious problems.
It's a slippery slope -- but you're young and it's so good you're looking for help and answers! It's not just tying your star to an alcoholic that can drag you down-- it's any relationship where one of your goals is getting your partner to change, or clinging to the idea of your partner's "potential," or using your partner's problems as a way to avoid facing your own life choices.
glad you're here--good luck!!
peace-
b
I know my issue is miniscule compared to some of the sad things i've read in this forum
Not true not true!!
Some of the sad stories you read on here from spouses or significant others or brothers or sisters - the really gnarly yukky stories - are just things that could happen to any one of us if we continue down the dangerous road of trying to fix other people, or trying to tell other people what's good for them, or enabling alkies/addicts, or making other people's serious problems OUR serious problems.
It's a slippery slope -- but you're young and it's so good you're looking for help and answers! It's not just tying your star to an alcoholic that can drag you down-- it's any relationship where one of your goals is getting your partner to change, or clinging to the idea of your partner's "potential," or using your partner's problems as a way to avoid facing your own life choices.
glad you're here--good luck!!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
Mullanes:
Hugs to you, I also just went through a short relationship with an Abf that I am now needing to end (my relationship was much less time than yours, and not nearly like many of the stories on here--mine seems trivial in comparison). We did however just recently have a "hell week" when he went on a five day bender! This weekend I am going to get away with friends, have a mani/pedi, see some art, hang at the beach and just pamper myself and surround myself with people who are supportive and love me...and he is NOT invited and I will NOT take his calls. If he goes on another bender and tries to drink himself to death in the future he will have to save himself or find someone other than me to "save him"!!
I was unsure what to do about this relationship, and also feel like you do-- he is a wonderful man when he ISN'T drinking, but when he is drinking he lets me down!! I am glad I posted here and have had the chance to read the stories of others who have been through much tougher times with alcoholic husbands/etc. It makes me see that this relationship and the chaos it would bring to life is not healthy and not what I want or deserve! I want my Abf to be healthy and safe and I do still care for him...but I realize he has to do that for himself and I have to think about my own happiness now.
I hope you will call some friends or family and spend some time taking care of you!! Do something special for yourself and try not to think about him.
Hugs to you, I also just went through a short relationship with an Abf that I am now needing to end (my relationship was much less time than yours, and not nearly like many of the stories on here--mine seems trivial in comparison). We did however just recently have a "hell week" when he went on a five day bender! This weekend I am going to get away with friends, have a mani/pedi, see some art, hang at the beach and just pamper myself and surround myself with people who are supportive and love me...and he is NOT invited and I will NOT take his calls. If he goes on another bender and tries to drink himself to death in the future he will have to save himself or find someone other than me to "save him"!!
I was unsure what to do about this relationship, and also feel like you do-- he is a wonderful man when he ISN'T drinking, but when he is drinking he lets me down!! I am glad I posted here and have had the chance to read the stories of others who have been through much tougher times with alcoholic husbands/etc. It makes me see that this relationship and the chaos it would bring to life is not healthy and not what I want or deserve! I want my Abf to be healthy and safe and I do still care for him...but I realize he has to do that for himself and I have to think about my own happiness now.
I hope you will call some friends or family and spend some time taking care of you!! Do something special for yourself and try not to think about him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3
thanks for the wise words Bernadette and milenafk2009. The sad stories on this forum definately have wisened me up on where I could end up if I did stick around. As much as I adore him, his problem means I need to steer clear to avoid what could potentially happen in future. And milenafk2009, i'd like to hear how you end up deciding to handle your situation - it is nice to hear from someone who is going through something similar (so similar it scares me a little!). Please let me know what happens and I wish you all the best.
Hugs to you both - it truly amazes me what gorgeous people you can come across online, often on the other side of the world.
Hugs to you both - it truly amazes me what gorgeous people you can come across online, often on the other side of the world.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by mullanes 
What does one say to an alcoholic who won't admit he has a problem and is currently enjoying his life as a "rock and roller who is just too good at being good"?
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. My Abf, after his "hell week" bender and then all manner of promises about getting back to AA is now drinking AGAIN! Called last night to tell me as much, I told him essentially I am sorry to hear you made that choice, I will not participate in that choice and I don't support it, I hope your choice works out for you and then I hung up on him, met a friend to see a film and just did not answer his repeated calls that followed.
Of course I am now worried, is he OK?? What if he drinks himself to death this time?? If he does that, well, I will be sad, but, it IS NOT my fault and I clearly cannot stop him and I am fighting a desire to call just to "check in" on him...I will not do it!
I am heading out of town and taking care of me now--already spent far too much time taking care of him this past week only to see him go right back to drinking anyway. UGH! And, I am trying to simply leave him altogether and move on...but it is hard when you miss them and remember the "good times" when they weren't drinking. UGH.
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