Weird Situation
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Weird Situation
Hello,
I am almost finished with school (2 months) and I am reading daily, sr, al anon, therapy and have read the Lundy Bancroft book as well as the Beattie book. I am feeling better.
This weekend my sister drove from New Orleans to our father's house in NC and I met her there for a sisters' retreat. I drank wine (a lot of wine) for the first time in a while. Felt completely guilty about drinking as I had quit in support of my ex. (I am not a heavy or regular drinker. I gave it up for him back in 2006). After having my first hangover in years, I woke up Sunday morning to fetch breakfast at the grocery. Driving through my childhood neighborhood, guess whose car is parked at our local inn (9 houses away from my dad's)? The OW's car. Apparently as luck would have it they went to this hotel for the weekend. (This is in NC. They live on the coast of SC. He has NO connection to this place except for me and my family.)
My feeling of get away weekend freedom was immediately shot down by the guilt I woke up feeling and then a wave of feeling defeated. Like my boundaries were crossed again and I cannot even go to my childhood home without him in my face. (He and the OW-AKA new fiance- went there 4 days after he left me a break up voicemail in Oct.) I went home to cry to my father and sort things out and they were there then too. Two mutual friends have asked him why he takes her there and have told him that maybe there are more appropriate places to go with his new squeeze. My dad worksout there daily and I go to the gym there when I am in town. He knows all of this. It's a days drive for them to get there, so it is purposeful, not a hop, skip and a jump. It's like, pathological, or weird, or crazy, or mean or ????
I feel violated by him bringing her to my home. How do I take back power? It gets to me even when I busy myself with other things. Thoughts?
I am almost finished with school (2 months) and I am reading daily, sr, al anon, therapy and have read the Lundy Bancroft book as well as the Beattie book. I am feeling better.
This weekend my sister drove from New Orleans to our father's house in NC and I met her there for a sisters' retreat. I drank wine (a lot of wine) for the first time in a while. Felt completely guilty about drinking as I had quit in support of my ex. (I am not a heavy or regular drinker. I gave it up for him back in 2006). After having my first hangover in years, I woke up Sunday morning to fetch breakfast at the grocery. Driving through my childhood neighborhood, guess whose car is parked at our local inn (9 houses away from my dad's)? The OW's car. Apparently as luck would have it they went to this hotel for the weekend. (This is in NC. They live on the coast of SC. He has NO connection to this place except for me and my family.)
My feeling of get away weekend freedom was immediately shot down by the guilt I woke up feeling and then a wave of feeling defeated. Like my boundaries were crossed again and I cannot even go to my childhood home without him in my face. (He and the OW-AKA new fiance- went there 4 days after he left me a break up voicemail in Oct.) I went home to cry to my father and sort things out and they were there then too. Two mutual friends have asked him why he takes her there and have told him that maybe there are more appropriate places to go with his new squeeze. My dad worksout there daily and I go to the gym there when I am in town. He knows all of this. It's a days drive for them to get there, so it is purposeful, not a hop, skip and a jump. It's like, pathological, or weird, or crazy, or mean or ????
I feel violated by him bringing her to my home. How do I take back power? It gets to me even when I busy myself with other things. Thoughts?
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Location: over the rainbow
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how about this: you are not the loser. he is not the winner. it is only going to get better for you. think about it. it helped me when i really realized this. i am not the loser in this. they are!!!! so i am starting to feel ok then, because it is only going to get worse for them, so why the HECK should i feel bad??????? and i am not talking about win/win win/lose kind of feeling. I am talking about I REALLY DID NOT LOSE ANYTHING IN THIS. and to imagine that they (the A and all the A friends) are sitting on top of the world is a total twisted illusion - so why should i sit here feeling like i lost something? hope this helps.
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Location: Arlington, VA
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Originally Posted by MissFixit 
guilt I woke up feeling and then a wave of feeling defeated
Defeated? Why? Because people you have no control over happen to show up where you are? How is that a defeat for you? You don't have control now any more than you did then, before he was your ex. How does their presence anywhere defeat you?
I understand you would rather he not go to places you don't want him to go to with the OW. But you cannot control him or where he goes or who he goes with. You don't own the town or state or whatever so can't say who gets to go there, when.
What you can do is accept you don't have control, accept that he will show up places you don't want him to, and so on. Acceptance is key before yo can work on the pain you feel.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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this is probably not the best advice but happiness is the best revenge. i have breakdowns here, i have breakdowns with my bestie, i have breakdowns with my sister, i have breakdowns all alone in my living room when my boys are sleeping. i do not have breakdowns or rages or anything else around AH or anyone that knows him. I do not ask about him. I do not discuss him with anyone but those people I've listed. My motto as far as he is concerned is to fake it 'til I make it. I'm sure he's really not spending that much time thinking about me and I don't want him to think I'm spending that much time thinking about him. Probably sick thinking on my part (this whole post) but hey, I'm being honest. lol.
Last edited by FlwrofFrgttng; 02-26-2009 at 06:54 AM. Reason: clarification
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Thank you.
No, I am not an A. I have been supportive to a fault and by drinking this past weekend I felt guilty, like I was a hypocrite. I have mixed feelings.
As far as no control over him goes. I know that I have no control. It is just my hometown and childhood neighborhood, and I don't want him there. There a creepy factor with them going there and I one felt like it was my sanctuary. I don't invade his home turf on purpose. He has to go to trouble to get there and it is expensive.
No, I am not an A. I have been supportive to a fault and by drinking this past weekend I felt guilty, like I was a hypocrite. I have mixed feelings.
As far as no control over him goes. I know that I have no control. It is just my hometown and childhood neighborhood, and I don't want him there. There a creepy factor with them going there and I one felt like it was my sanctuary. I don't invade his home turf on purpose. He has to go to trouble to get there and it is expensive.
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Sounds creepy to me.
Is there a way you can maintain your sanity in the future by not going that way? In time, this will become less important as you get stronger. But for now, are there some heroic-effort changes you can make to avoid it?
In a perfect world, we could flip a switch and either a)make them stop doing creepy things, or b)turn off our own feelings on the matter. I don't happen to live in that world, so I'd be looking for ways to minimize contact.
Sorry about this, missfixit
Is there a way you can maintain your sanity in the future by not going that way? In time, this will become less important as you get stronger. But for now, are there some heroic-effort changes you can make to avoid it?
In a perfect world, we could flip a switch and either a)make them stop doing creepy things, or b)turn off our own feelings on the matter. I don't happen to live in that world, so I'd be looking for ways to minimize contact.
Sorry about this, missfixit
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
It is just my hometown and childhood neighborhood, and I don't want him there. There a creepy factor with them going there and I one felt like it was my sanctuary. I don't invade his home turf on purpose. He has to go to trouble to get there and it is expensive.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Aww, ((((((MissFixIt)))))))
Our relation to alcohol post trauma is difficult. You did nothing wrong, OK? You had a good time with your family. If you do not like it just decide you will have virgin cocktails from now on
no need to beat yourself...
I feel the same way when ex brings OW to the office. He sees her daily out of work and luck has it I usually encounter them walking or in his car. I just saw them yesterday and I went back all the way to Day 1. It is a painful place to be in.
It is not that he has other one that hurts (well of course it does) but also that he knows how I feel and acts regardless of knowing that. He took her to the same beach we went (where he verbally abused me and it was my first shock), dedicated her the same song (Dreamer, did you even believe you were that special?), all of the common friends speak to her now, etc.etc.
That is what alcoholics do. Perhaps because my other ex's were not alcoholics I feel this one is more cruel. Because other people would act mature. I would expect them to behave the same way I do about their new relations - with discretion and respect. But no. At least my ex, is incapable of that. If he had respect I perhaps would still be with him huh?
Acceptance and control are the keywords here. It hurts to feel they invade YOUR space. Perhaps its true. But they should not be allowed to invade your peace!! Where is your bouncer??
What has helped me is to think:
/They both have a horrible, progressive disease and are in complete denial. I should not feel envy but compassion. At least my ex, is getting much worse, and much more in denial. How long will the monster hide? It is STILL there. Hasn't go anywhere. Do I miss that aspect of him? It did not got away. Oh no. That would take guts on his part. But well that is what alcoholics do / drink.
/I realized that I am still giving my ex power whenever I let him trigger any emotion in me. I need to work more on myself so one WONDERFUL DAY I will feel indifferent.
/I did all I could. I held his hand. I tried for him not to crash, at least not with me in the car so I drove. I pointed out some stuff was not good for him. He disregarded it completely. I thought it was fun until HE abused. I DID NOT betray, hurt, lie him . HE DID. He knows what he did. Remember the bad traits and how he treated you? He is still that person. Or worse if he is still drinking.
/I claim I loved him so much. If I love him I will let him go, right?
I knew he was not happy with me (cause I did not put up with his abuse) so I let him be free and do what he pleases.
I know he is happy with someone else - if he is happy now, is because I did not cling trying to make it work at all costs.
I know he drinks way more than before - not in my control. He is not ready yet to hit bottom. My gift to this person I used to love is ceasing to support him in his early and sad "career".
He will go wherever he wishes and with who he wishes. I am taking the power I gave him, back to me. I am a free soul regardless of what he says, thinks, does, etc. none of that is a reflection of me.
I wish you all the best in your own recovery. One day none of this will matter. We just need to reclaim our power and remember why we are no longer with them. They are someone else's problem now. I would say "joy" but you and I know more than anyone that there is much destruction involved with ppl that dare have feelings for them. Everything is about destruction when alcoholism is involved.
But you are FREE now. Reflect on how much you've gone through and you have learned. You are wise to have removed yourself from addiction. It IS ugly, isn't it? Those people roaming around are not the guys we once knew. Addiction does that to our loved ones. Will they recover or not? HP's work.
Do not carry the weight of the world in your shoulders. Focus on you, to me you are doing great!! Keep the good work. Know that all is well and HP has other plans for you, for instance, healthier people that are capable of feeling the love you yearn.
Hugs!!
Our relation to alcohol post trauma is difficult. You did nothing wrong, OK? You had a good time with your family. If you do not like it just decide you will have virgin cocktails from now on
no need to beat yourself...I feel the same way when ex brings OW to the office. He sees her daily out of work and luck has it I usually encounter them walking or in his car. I just saw them yesterday and I went back all the way to Day 1. It is a painful place to be in.
It is not that he has other one that hurts (well of course it does) but also that he knows how I feel and acts regardless of knowing that. He took her to the same beach we went (where he verbally abused me and it was my first shock), dedicated her the same song (Dreamer, did you even believe you were that special?), all of the common friends speak to her now, etc.etc.
That is what alcoholics do. Perhaps because my other ex's were not alcoholics I feel this one is more cruel. Because other people would act mature. I would expect them to behave the same way I do about their new relations - with discretion and respect. But no. At least my ex, is incapable of that. If he had respect I perhaps would still be with him huh?
Acceptance and control are the keywords here. It hurts to feel they invade YOUR space. Perhaps its true. But they should not be allowed to invade your peace!! Where is your bouncer??
What has helped me is to think:
/They both have a horrible, progressive disease and are in complete denial. I should not feel envy but compassion. At least my ex, is getting much worse, and much more in denial. How long will the monster hide? It is STILL there. Hasn't go anywhere. Do I miss that aspect of him? It did not got away. Oh no. That would take guts on his part. But well that is what alcoholics do / drink.
/I realized that I am still giving my ex power whenever I let him trigger any emotion in me. I need to work more on myself so one WONDERFUL DAY I will feel indifferent.
/I did all I could. I held his hand. I tried for him not to crash, at least not with me in the car so I drove. I pointed out some stuff was not good for him. He disregarded it completely. I thought it was fun until HE abused. I DID NOT betray, hurt, lie him . HE DID. He knows what he did. Remember the bad traits and how he treated you? He is still that person. Or worse if he is still drinking.
/I claim I loved him so much. If I love him I will let him go, right?
I knew he was not happy with me (cause I did not put up with his abuse) so I let him be free and do what he pleases.
I know he is happy with someone else - if he is happy now, is because I did not cling trying to make it work at all costs.
I know he drinks way more than before - not in my control. He is not ready yet to hit bottom. My gift to this person I used to love is ceasing to support him in his early and sad "career".
He will go wherever he wishes and with who he wishes. I am taking the power I gave him, back to me. I am a free soul regardless of what he says, thinks, does, etc. none of that is a reflection of me.
I wish you all the best in your own recovery. One day none of this will matter. We just need to reclaim our power and remember why we are no longer with them. They are someone else's problem now. I would say "joy" but you and I know more than anyone that there is much destruction involved with ppl that dare have feelings for them. Everything is about destruction when alcoholism is involved.
But you are FREE now. Reflect on how much you've gone through and you have learned. You are wise to have removed yourself from addiction. It IS ugly, isn't it? Those people roaming around are not the guys we once knew. Addiction does that to our loved ones. Will they recover or not? HP's work.
Do not carry the weight of the world in your shoulders. Focus on you, to me you are doing great!! Keep the good work. Know that all is well and HP has other plans for you, for instance, healthier people that are capable of feeling the love you yearn.
Hugs!!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Funny just today I ran into my ex. I usually wear dark glasses and I am glad I was wearing them.
I did not even pause or acknowledge his presence. I am sure he saw me.
It felt good to walk confident for once.
Usually he saw me all sad and little.
Today I am wearing my favorite black leather jacket, tall boots and honestly? feel quite sexy!!
I am glad our inner work can turn our tables around! and to know they matter less and less. How awesome. We will get there MissFixIt but we need to do our homework!!
I did not even pause or acknowledge his presence. I am sure he saw me.
It felt good to walk confident for once.
Usually he saw me all sad and little.
Today I am wearing my favorite black leather jacket, tall boots and honestly? feel quite sexy!!
I am glad our inner work can turn our tables around! and to know they matter less and less. How awesome. We will get there MissFixIt but we need to do our homework!!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thank you all.
Nope. No way to avoid the inn. It is my gym when I am home. We have dinner at one of the inn's restaurants when I am back (it is our neighborhood place). There is a spa there that I use if I have enough money/time. It is en route to friends' houses, grocery, etc... I have gone there every time I have visited my Dad since I moved out. Since it is 9 houses down the street from Dad's house, it was my backyard (there is a golf course and pool--I swim there--we have a membership) since I was 7 years old.
You are right. I have no right to stop him from going and I suppose it will get easier with time. I guess I felt "defeated" or slapped in the face again, because he has no connection to that town/neighborhood/inn/street except for my Dad getting him a room there for Christmas the other year and when he would come home with me, I brought him along to the gym/restaurant/spa each time. He obviously liked it, but going out of his way to bring the OW to my neighborhood/spa/gym/street is perverse to me.
Dreamer is right in that I would be with him if he didn't do weird/alcoholic/crazy things, and this is in that category.
I have not contacted him except for a letter and follow up email I sent in Dec asking for my things back and telling him I know about his lies. Totally ignored by him. OW responded via his email account for me not to contact L again. So, my dad has written several letters to him asking for my things back. OW contacted my dad too. He didn't tell me what she said/wrote. I have given him all the space in the world and have not once interfered. He persists in coming to our inn/club/gym/etc... like a dog marking territory. When friends asked him why he would go there with her, he said that he can do whatever he wants...he is right, he can and does.
Sorry to carry on. The one spot in the world that is my home and refuge, he visits with her. Yuck.
Nope. No way to avoid the inn. It is my gym when I am home. We have dinner at one of the inn's restaurants when I am back (it is our neighborhood place). There is a spa there that I use if I have enough money/time. It is en route to friends' houses, grocery, etc... I have gone there every time I have visited my Dad since I moved out. Since it is 9 houses down the street from Dad's house, it was my backyard (there is a golf course and pool--I swim there--we have a membership) since I was 7 years old.
You are right. I have no right to stop him from going and I suppose it will get easier with time. I guess I felt "defeated" or slapped in the face again, because he has no connection to that town/neighborhood/inn/street except for my Dad getting him a room there for Christmas the other year and when he would come home with me, I brought him along to the gym/restaurant/spa each time. He obviously liked it, but going out of his way to bring the OW to my neighborhood/spa/gym/street is perverse to me.
Dreamer is right in that I would be with him if he didn't do weird/alcoholic/crazy things, and this is in that category.
I have not contacted him except for a letter and follow up email I sent in Dec asking for my things back and telling him I know about his lies. Totally ignored by him. OW responded via his email account for me not to contact L again. So, my dad has written several letters to him asking for my things back. OW contacted my dad too. He didn't tell me what she said/wrote. I have given him all the space in the world and have not once interfered. He persists in coming to our inn/club/gym/etc... like a dog marking territory. When friends asked him why he would go there with her, he said that he can do whatever he wants...he is right, he can and does.
Sorry to carry on. The one spot in the world that is my home and refuge, he visits with her. Yuck.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
My first thought when I read that was "how absolutely pathetic on his part." And seriously, I would NOT want my guy to take me to my ex's hometown for a vacation. How utterly ridiculous.
I don't know if this helps you, but he is being pathetic and ridiculous. How low. You are not defeated, he is defeating himself by being a manipulative loser. You can walk with your head up high because you do not sink to this low and rub yourself into his face like that.
I will stop now, but I honestly cannot stop rolling my eyes at how pathetic he is. You can't control what he does, but you can see this for what it is: idiotic, manipulative and pathetic (did I mention pathetic?) Kindergarten bullying.
:ghug3
I don't know if this helps you, but he is being pathetic and ridiculous. How low. You are not defeated, he is defeating himself by being a manipulative loser. You can walk with your head up high because you do not sink to this low and rub yourself into his face like that.
I will stop now, but I honestly cannot stop rolling my eyes at how pathetic he is. You can't control what he does, but you can see this for what it is: idiotic, manipulative and pathetic (did I mention pathetic?) Kindergarten bullying.
:ghug3
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Kimmie is right on!!
I guess what "gets" me too is that I know I cannot do it. Even if I went out with an extroardinary Norwegian I would not be taking him to the bars he frequents. Or to the office. Its just a loser thing to do. Like... trying to replace all memories?
But yeah. Thinking on being the NW or OW, imagine being brought to a "special" place your guy spent with his EX. Or having a song dedicated to you / that he also dedicated to his EX. It does not sound like "moving on" to me, talk about authenticity (lack of!)
About the stuff, I hope you can get it back. The ex broke something of sentimental value in one his drunken parties. It hurt and felt personal - but its just stuff. I would give out anything I own (BUT my teddy bear, that one is UNTOUCHABLE) just for peace of mind and serenity.
Let's keep our priorities straight...
I guess what "gets" me too is that I know I cannot do it. Even if I went out with an extroardinary Norwegian I would not be taking him to the bars he frequents. Or to the office. Its just a loser thing to do. Like... trying to replace all memories?
But yeah. Thinking on being the NW or OW, imagine being brought to a "special" place your guy spent with his EX. Or having a song dedicated to you / that he also dedicated to his EX. It does not sound like "moving on" to me, talk about authenticity (lack of!)
About the stuff, I hope you can get it back. The ex broke something of sentimental value in one his drunken parties. It hurt and felt personal - but its just stuff. I would give out anything I own (BUT my teddy bear, that one is UNTOUCHABLE) just for peace of mind and serenity.
Let's keep our priorities straight...
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