elso

Hello,
I have been with my wife for nearly 9 years and married for the last 3.5 years. For most of that time I hid my drug and alcohol problems from her and lived a dishonest double life of chemical abuse. After 2 rehab stints I finally found the willingness to surrender and I now have just over 1 year clean and sober after 25 yrs of self abuse. I have fully dived into the AA fellowship and without all of my new friends and meetings (at least 5 per week) I would not have been able to make it this far. It has been very rough on my wife (who drinks occasionally, definitely not an addict) on my new life. She is upset that I am never around and when I am that it has become drudgery. She is upset that I get my support from AA and AA friends/sponsor and not her. She also refuses to go to Al Anon. Also, I continue to engage in dishonest behavior. Something I never did in active addiction was have extra marital affairs. I now find myself getting emotionally involved with other women in the program and this has really been a new issue with me. When things aren't going well at home I reach to other women. My wife doesn't understand addiction and recovery for that matter and has no interest to learn about it. I ended all contact with the first emotional friend 6 months ago, but I have now found myself in the exact same situation with someone new. the difference this time is that I fear that i am really falling for this new person. We seem to have more in common with my new life. The identification of one addict to another. My wife kicked me out last week when she found out about it and I moved into my own apt. But she wants me back and I don't know what to do as I am now engrossed with this new woman (we have not slept together). Part of me feels incapable of being in a marriage and doing what i need to do to stay sober. she says she is "miserable" has been for months and that is when i started reaching out to other women. I am very confused. Anyone with advice?

Seren

Speaking as someone from the point of view of the spouse: my xH had an affair and divorced me.

Please tell you wife just what you have said here. Will it hurt her, yes. But in order to solve any problem within a marriage, you need to turn to the marriage, not away from it. You really have no right to just escape with someone new when you have not done the work to try and save the marriage. Your wife has been through just as much as you have, and she deservese the respect of honesty.

Just MHO.....HG

elso

thank you kindly

Seren

My apologies, too, if I seem harsh. Bear in mind that it is filtered through my own experience. In reading what some others have said on this forum, it is not uncommon for AA/Recovery romances to occur, but I don't believe it is considered a good idea.

I'm sorry for the pain you are in and you should be proud of your continued recovery.

HG

elso

no worries. thanks for the kind words

cece1960

I'm no expert here elso, but it sounds like much of your relationship was built on lies and deceit.
Now, you are a different person. She's never known this "you"
And while I admire your commitment to sobriety...it sounds like the deceit and lies remain.

Its been suggested here many times that the spouse of the addict wait a year before trusting the relationship and their loved one's sobriety/stability. The reason is not just to protect from hurt, but also to allow BOTH partners to heal.

Maybe a marriage counselor could help the both of you find your way.

I wish you the best...and congratulations on your sobriety
(((Hugs)))

ajangels2

Congrats on your sobriety!! I agree with what CeCe had said. Your relationship with your wife had already been built on dishonesty with the addiction. So your wife is dealing with the new changes in you and trying to figure out who this new person is and where she fits in. If she is not working a program then of course it would be very difficult for her to understand that your sobriety and growth depends a great deal on meetings and fellowship. Having said that, starting a new relationship before you have given your wife a chance to "catch up" is probably going to add more stress for you, as you have already expressed.

My AH had an emotional affair about six months ago... a long distant one. Every time we got into an argument he would run to her for advice and comfort. The difference I guess is that he was in active addiction at that time and we were also expecting another baby. Lots of stress... it has taken a toll on our relationship because trust has been broken. Keep working your program and be honest with your sponsor and your wife. Everything else will eventually fall into place where it should be, but that will take time to even figure out where you are supposed to be and where your wife is supposed to be.
As always this is just my thoughts... take what you like and leave the rest.
AJ

MyJoey

Welcome, how wonderful a year clean!!! Great job, pat yourself on the back for me. My two cent worth on your marriage. I agree with the other posters you need to be honest with your wife. At this point it's not like you need to worry about being kicked out, so now is the time to talk. Maybe the two of you have really grown apart, but the only way your going to know is if you both sit down and have a heart to heart. Your being attracted to other woman emotionally is understandable when your spouse it not being supportive, so the way I see it your both going to need to make some changes. That is if your even willing to try, you kind of sound like your ready to move on, either way you do need to be honest about your feelings even if your wife is hurt. I take it no children are involved in your marriage, because if there is you both need