livingalie

For the past year, I have been dealing with ABF and his addiction. It started out as a 'one-time' night out, but slowly progressed into sooooo much more. One time in Feb 08 turned to 4 times the first week of March...keep multiplying and you can see where it went. It was to the point that I knew his routine: he bails Thursday night (sometime after 2 am) with all my money (and bank cards) and my truck. He'll call that evening or the next morning with all the same lines - I'm sorry, I love you, It won't happen again. Once back in the house, I yell, he carries the look of a whipped dog followed by more apologies and then off to bed with him. He sleeps for a day, is helpful for another 2 days, and then off again.
This was the pattern for 5 months - yes, I know a VERY long time. One night, he checked himself into a detox center (he's been there numerous times before) and called to tell me. 'Yeah' goes my heart. Just when I think he's on the path, WHAM...out again.
He tried to go to meetings - I would join him for support (I know it had to be HIS decision to go and follow thru) - but after about 4 he said everyone there was hiding the fact they were high. I couldn't see that (cause I'm not an addict), but ok.
He got so bad that he actually stole from his work. And I don't mean small things easily replaced. He ran a work truck (twice) and stole ALL of the tools off it. To the tune of around $20,000 worth of equipment. The companys couldn't prove he stole - the stuff was just missing - so he's off the hook. I can't begin to tell you how much stuff I lost in my home or how much I lost to his addiction. I bought a truck in Nov 07 - my first 'new' truck. It's an '04 and it is trashed. When he couldn't find work because of his theft, and when I turned off the money, he would 'crack-out' my truck.
I learn months after we were together - from him - that he has been on coke and crack since he was around 10, huffed gas when he was 12, and started using heroin (his favorite) when he was in his mid to late teens. He told me he is the type of addict that if you put it in front of him, he'll do it. I never did drugs or drank really (a glass of wine for dinner with some friends once every 6 months) so I never knew how bad he could get.
His brother told me he was a good guy with a huge heart but his addiction has always had him by the throat. His whole family has been involved in addiction in some way or another. When he started at 10 it was his uncle who would give him 'bits' after he was done cutting it for sale.

So I know I'm dealing with a seriously troubled guy. I also know that I'm a codie. I learned that by being married to an a$$ for 8 years who was abusive and I was like a little wide eyed girl saying, "Please, can I have another beating? It makes me feel good about myself." I divorced him, got ME back and moved FAR away from him. But I know from living that way for so long that I am what I am.
I have trouble with my current BF because he was sober BEFORE we were together (6 years of prison for robbing a store because of his addiction). Months after is when he started using again. I got to spend time with the real him. The good guy with the big heart.
We moved from the big city where we lived to a small community in hopes of 'running' away (though that's not how we say it at the time) from his problem. He has some family here and his aunt is in very poor health - another reason he wanted to move to be closer to her.
How the he!! do I let go? My marriage was easier - to me - cause I was out of love with him. PLus he was physically/verbally abusing our boys. I know all the things my ABF does is for HIS best interest only and to give him what HE needs to function. I know as long as I play into his needs, two things will never happen - he'll never get better and I'll dig my hole deeper.
I can't let go! I find myself answering his stupid questions, "You just love me? You don't love me with all your heart? Why not? You want me to just leave then since you can't decide how much you love me?" To this, I answer (now), "If you can't accept that I love you and care for you by just me saying it, if you need me to CONSTANTLY reaffirm my feelings when you know how I feel, then leave. Pack your sh&& and leave!" This is followed by he was just playing around and knows how much I care.
I'm on a rollercoaster with him. I love him, but he loves his fix more. He has tried to get better, but it's not really a priority in his life. How do I let him go?

cece1960

Welcome Livingalie
I'm sorry addiction is in your life, as it is all of ours here.
I wish I know how to let go...I'd sell it by the bottle and be rich.

But you can start by working on you.
Are there meetings you can attend...for you? Until he makes the choice to change, gets help, charts a new course, nothing will change...for him.
But YOU can decide you want change for you.
Stick around...there's so many good people here
(((Hugs)))

Done_With_It

Just sending some hugs your way..

:ghug

BayAreaPhoenix

(((hugs))) and welcome - read around, read the stickies at the top, stick around!

In a Tailspin

One of the sayings that's been on my mind alot is this: "nothing changes if nothing changes". Your situation will not change because you *wish* it was different. Your abf will not go back to the *good guy* you met becasue you want him to. The chaos in your life will not go away because you deserve better. You have to make a change. It doesn't have to be the *big one* all at once. You don't have to end your relationship tomorrow. You may or may not be ready for that. But you can go to alanon or naranon meetings. You can start to change you. Little by little, he will see those changes. He will see you getting healthy without him. At that point, he will either choose to get healthy too, or it will be much easier for you to move on without him - - because you'll see yourself as healthy in an unhealthy relationship. Not many people will choose to stay in that place with no signs of change once they've begun earnestly working on their own issues.

Good luck and please keep posting......

livingalie

Thank you all for you words of hope and encouragement. :ghug
Last night was an interesting one. When my ABF picked me up from work, he kept asking if I wanted him to leave and what I wanted him to do. Before joining here and reading all the inspiring posts and stickys, I would have said what I wanted - for him to get better, for us to have a life....
Instead, I went with what he needed. I told him that I could not make choices for him. His life was in his hands and only he could choose the path he needed to walk on. He pushed it back at me saying I didn't love him or care for him. I asked him why people who don't care about others are in their lives? And left it at that.
He thought about it for a minute and asked me if I thought he should get help - outside help. I told him it was his decision to make and not mine. No matter what I want, it would not be in HIS best interest because it's my desire. If he truly wants a sober life, then he has to choose it and act on that choice.
He told me he needed to get help because he wasn't strong enough to do it on his own. He asked me if I would be there beside him and I told him I would to an extent. He needed to go thru with his recovery on his own without leaning on me or anyone else.
Last night I went with him to his Thursday meeting, as I normally do. He spoke with a few of the guys about sponsorship and he is meeting with one of them tonight. They were all so supportive of both of us. I am meeting with their wives tonight to help me thru the process of his recovery.
This morning, he is looking for a job. He hasn't worked since January when he was fired (his boss made something up because his stories about prison scared him).
I think he is deciding his future, but I am still reserved about it. I know it has to be up to him to make the changes in his life and I cannot lead him to them. The only thing I know I can help with is to love him. I have given him any "ifs" or "whens" when he asks. I just tell him I love him.
Hopefully, this will be his life turn around. If not, then I will move on - the hardest thing to do. :praying

sophia1980

livingalie
Your recent post sounds more positive. Good work! Stick with what you said and let HIM do it himself.
I understand you feel reserved about the future, you have been through soo much.

Meanwhile, keep on with your meetings, I hope you find good support from the wives and from SR.
My thoughts are with you at this time. Stay strong!

livingalie

Thanks Sophia.

I am hopeful that surrounding myself with strong, positive people will allow me to regain my strength once again. Before, I was relying on family support - both his and mine. But since my family has never been there before, and his family is chocked FULL of addicts (recovered and not), it has been difficult finding the help and understanding I need.

I am so thankful for stumbling across this site. It's funny, I was trying to find ways to help HIM that I found all of you.

Alaia

Take some time and focus on yourself, and what you want/need to make yourself happy. :praying

sophia1980

Same here livingalie
I was searching for 'help' for abf and then found all you guys....am very grateful too - to meet people that understand. I thought I was the only one going 'crazy'!
:ghug
xx