HoopNinja

AH talked to me last night and said would I consider going to church tonight for Ash Wednesday as a family. I have not gone to church recently because church has always been very weird. AH is a church musician and since our marriage has left 4 jobs--so I get involved in the church and then we have to leave. So when he got his current 10 hour a week job playing for a couple services at a church I told him I was not joining the church. Also, I often did not feel as though I was part of the church--I was the church director's wife--even though I was very involved. I felt like I was the facade for his "normal life". No one at any of the churches (perhaps the last one to some degree)--but certainly not this one or the others know about his alcohol and drug abuse. So I always felt like such a fraud. Acting like everything was just OK--and it was when AH decided to stay sober for awhile. But, after he just quit a very high paying job as a music director at our last church and we were basically shunned because of his behavior (it was a huge drama scene) I decided that was that. I was very involved in that church and though not wild about the pastors I was actively involved as a Sunday school teacher, worked at shelters and with people who were shut ins. I was happy there. But I was so tied in to still being his wife that I could not stay without the drama continuing.
Anyway, that is sort of the background. I did agree that we could go to church. I do not like being a Christmas, Easter person but in some ways, that is what I have become. I have not lost my faith--just my faith in some of the churches I have been part of. I am trying to find another place for me and the kids...but not always easy with kids who have attachment disorder as they are not always the quietest kids in church.
This morning I asked him what time church was and he was all excited because "we were coming to church--now everyone at church would know he really had a family". I just took a deep breath and thought--here we go again. He is walking his family across the stage--"look, look at me--I am just your normal great guy with a wonderful wife and 2 wonderful children. Look, look what a great husband and father I am. Look, what a wonderful Christian man I am." I am quite cynical right now.
I just gritted my teeth and gave him the look that said--did you really just say that and said no more. I am going because both the kids plan on it and are excited we are going to church. I wish I had spent more time finding another church because I really do want to go to church--so I will go tonight and then will look very hard to find another church. It is difficult because AH has been a church music director for the denomination we are for 27 years--so everyone knows him. Churches can be quite insular so I have been hesitant to go to some churches because either (1) we have been there before and no one knows about his alcoholism/drug use (2) member of his family or people he has worked with attend there or go there and I don't want to get into discussions about AH--because I don't want to lie and I don't want to talk about this.
I am thinking the best thing to do is go somewhere that is another denomination--but I am also not ready to deal with all the questions about "our family" since we are not divorced/legally separated yet.
I am rambling sorry.
Other thing I really tried hard to stay out of (and did outwardly but it really bugged me so I know in my head I did not stay out of it) is that AH has his loaner that he was given while his van (that was smashed by a drunk while AH (according to AH) was delivering flowers over Valentine's Day) is being fixed. The kids think the loaner car is so cool and were just going on and on about it this morning to me about how cool it is and isn't daddy cool because he is driving this cool car. I just grit my teeth and said nothing.
Also, it has been a grueling week or two at therapy with both kids. I have been working so hard with both of them--although they hate me because I am the one who does not allow them to engage in all the behaviors that are part of their attachment disorder and PTSD. I calmly talk to them while they rage and cry and am doing everything I have been told to do. Last night AH went to one of the places he gigs at--I have no idea what time he got home and/or if he was drunk. I don't wait up anymore. But, last night was Fat Tuesday and it is a Cajun place--so he brought Mardi Gras beads home for the kids and left them by their places at the dining room table. This morning my 4 year old shoved me aside to get his beads and then shoved me aside and ran up to daddy to hug him and tell him how much he loved him. I again gritted my teeth knowing who got up early to make both kids breakfast, get their clothes ready-yada, yada, yada. But I have to admit--it made me upset that he was the star because of some beads and the cool car and I was yesterday's old fish. I just said nothing and went to work.
So, outwardly I was a rock--inside I was very fed up and felt pretty rotten. I know I need to work on this because more of this will be on the way once we split. I have not figured out how to do it. I am happy I am able to not respond outwardly but I have a huge headache and I am sure it is from gritting my teeth.

kj3880

Are you going to alanon or anything like it yet?

Kids aren't stupid. Mine grew up with a dad who only came over on Saturdays with presents and movie tickets, where I was the "choremaster" that was with them all the rest of the time. They are almost completely grown up now (20 and 16) and they know who raised them. And they appreciate it. At Christmas this year, I had about 20 gifts from them. Their father had a card. They realize this stuff as they age. It all comes out in the wash. I never said a word against him, but it dawned on them anyway that he didn't pay child support, for their car, or the college tuition. You'll see.

When I was young, I was capable of smiling and waving at church like that when everything is a mess. I'd never do it now. I'd let him take the kids only if I was certain he wouldn't be drinking/using. But I wouldn't go in any case because I'm not good at lying.

Start getting together his walking papers. Step-by-step actions will help you get past this despair. Start setting money aside, finding out about a budget you can do yourself, where you will live, find a lawyer confidentially, etc.

I suggest you start with a codie or alanon meeting.

Love,
KJ

brundle

I have to agree with going to Al-Anon or something for you. I also agree that your kids will grow up. He wont always be the hero. As kids get older they see right through this stuff; in fact there have been times that I wish I was as quick as my children!

I think the only way to really disengage is by working the steps in Al-Anon and doing recovery yourself.

I now go to church without my husband (I go early enough so he's sleeping it off). When my son was little I would keep him right outside the doors, in the lobby with little cars and games (I could still hear the service). Some of the people gave me a hard time because the other kids his age went below to childcare so the adults could attend the service in peace. But he would freak out down there and he was a handful to keep quit enough in the service. So he sat on the floor in the lobby with me and I didn't care what anyone said. All that to say just do what you need to do.

You guys are in my thoughts today... ((((HUGS))))

Bernadette

be true to yourself wife2kids!!! I honestly think it damaged my mother permanently - all the effort she put into the facade - it ruined some of her very best qualities - and destroyed any possibility of an authentic relationship with her 5 kids.
peace-
B

HoopNinja

It is reassuring to know that kids do pick up on this. A friend at work calls her AH the pizza/movie dad but said after one year the kids figured out pizza dad was only that. Also at therapy yesterday the therapist had our older son fill out some open ended statements and his responses show that he already knows Daddy is not dependable and Mama is.
I have been looking for AlAnon meetings--it is extremely hard to get to one since I work 2 jobs and take both my kids to therapy every week. It is hard to fit one more thing in the day. I will see if there is something close by work--then I could go over lunch hour some times. Is there anyway to work the 12 steps without going to meetings? I am thinking probably not--that there is some accountability to yourself when attending meetings.
I have started to drop the facade and it is amazing how many other people have been putting one a good face and knew something was not right. They have been supportive.
I already have a lawyer-just getting the rest of his retainer together--I am close. Hopefully by the next paycheck in 2 weeks I will have it. I cannot file until after the end of March due to some things that need to get done to officially be done with our youngest son's adoption. I need to file one more report with the Russian embassy. They could not take our son away--however a notation in the paperwork about a divorce could prevent others from being able to adopt from that region and there are too many kids out there who need homes and lots of wonderful people out there who want to provide them homes. I don't want to jeopardize that. It is only one month away.
I also have a real estate agent and have started to look for houses/condos on my own. I truly appreciate the reminder to stay on budget. I was starting think a condo was the only thing I could afford but not too happy because they would not have a yard. Then figured in the condo fees and realized a small house I saw that I think I could make work would be less per month than the condo once I added the mortage/taxes and condo fees. So in the end the house might be less expensive--yes I will have to shovel and mow the lawn--but the driveway is short and although allergic to grass I can get one of those things you put over your mouth when mowing the lawn. I am cutting back on what I thought we needed and looking for something that will work and is in a good neighborhood with good schools.
I am starting to feel more positive now that I am actually looking at houses-not inside but online and driving by to see where they are, what the neighborhood is like, what the schools in the neighborhood is like. I don't want to go in and look at a house until I can put an offer in (and our house needs to sell)--seems like a waste of time for me and the real estate agent.