hopeangel

hi all, i decided i'd start this thread to track my progress, keep you updated, and, maybe just to vent every once in a while if i need? oh, and for support and advice through this.

i think maybe if i post here i'll be more accountable for my actions and i know you all will not let me fall.

right now i'm just waiting for the papers from the attorney to come so i could fill them out and actually retain him for the divorce to start moving forward. i know this is something i must do. i hope i will be strong enough. i really feel that nothing will change. i'm of the attitude right now that if it is a mistake, ah and i can always get remarried - once he goes to treatment and commits to sobriety, if that happens, if not, then i will be free to move on with my life. if i take all the emotion out of it, it has to be a win win situation for me right?

trying to ride out the economy, cutback in my pay, ah's unemployment, and the selling of the house.

my little vent - after a four day binge, ah comes to sleep in bed. it really irritates me that he thinks he can just come and go as he pleases. it makes me angry and messes with my sleep. not to mention it makes it harder to detach especially when he says he loves me, etc. i try not to argue this point with him too much other than to state that it upsets me because i just want to keep the peace and try to go on sleeping. plus, he will get stubborn and not leave the bed.

also, i don't need to tell you mentally ah is losing it more and more when he drinks. he is just not in his right mind and will rant. the other night he was on a rampage talking about me and all my family things that didn't make sense and his mom was in the hospital and told him that she may not live through the year (probably once a month his mom is in the hospital and they never find anything really wrong. i believe she does it for attention.) i pray for her and her well-being, but it upsets me that she enables him so much and upsets him so much. whenever he spends time with them his whole attitude changes because he has not dealt with his childhood issues of abuse with them and is very much still under their control.

i know, these are all things that he has to deal with on his own and i have to let go. just venting about this really cause it does anger me.

prodigal

Is there another bedroom in your house where you could sleep alone in order to get a good night's sleep?

Sadly, you are witnessing the progression of the disease. I've seen my AH's mind deteriorate over the past four years to the point that he says things that make no sense. Thankfully, I only catch bits and pieces of most of what he says. I pretty much stopped listening ...

A restful night's sleep is important. If he won't get out of the bed, it looks as if you will have to change your sleeping arrangements - or lock him out of the bedroom.

Bernadette

Good luck with the lawyer!!
Stick to your plan - it helps keep the emotional/less reliable side out of your progress!
One day at a time--
and ditto Prodigal-- get a bedroom door lock - sleep is like gold - to valuable for your mental health to squander.
peace,
b

hopeangel

"Stick to your plan - it helps keep the emotional/less reliable side out of your progress!"

i'm gonna hold on to that statement bernadette - great thought and great advice. i do think it is so much easier when you do follow through and keep emotion out of it because we all know that emotions come and go and are very unreliable and not something to base life decisions on. thank you.

well, let's see, another bed, humm? the last three mattresses we had were all ruined with urine, so only one mattress. how sad right?

FlwrofFrgttng

before ah left, if he wouldn't get out of the bed so that the baby and i could sleep, then i would take the baby and go sleep on the couch. i have two small people who may or may not nap during the day, so it's beyond essential that i actually SLEEP at night. could something like that maybe work for you?

suzieq1972

If you can afford it, but an air mattress. Put it in another bedroom and let HIM sleep on it. You deserve to sleep comfortably in your own bed and bedroom.



Sue