My marriage...after addiction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
My marriage...after addiction
Hi! I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict...152 days clean.
Here's my problem. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 12. When we got married, I was in the beginning stages of my opiate addiction. We both used coke every once in a while, but my addiction with it came much later. I'm so grateful to him for 'sticking with me after all I've put him through. I'm just starting to feel a distance between us since I've been clean. He travels a lot due to his job, as a matter of fact, he's been in Texas for the last month. But, that's not the distance I'm talking about. The majority of our marriage, I've been the one to be the 'screw-up, and he's been the one there to 'fix me. Now, I just don't know what I am in this marriage, other than the 'recovering addict. I always used to say to him "Who are you going to blame for everything when I get clean?". I just feel so disconnected to him...to everything right now. I've been in such a 'fog for so long now, I just don't know where I belong anymore. I don't know how to live sober.
Can anyone relate? Has anyone had a relationship end after they cleaned up?
Thanks for letting me ramble on.
C4P :wtf2
Here's my problem. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 12. When we got married, I was in the beginning stages of my opiate addiction. We both used coke every once in a while, but my addiction with it came much later. I'm so grateful to him for 'sticking with me after all I've put him through. I'm just starting to feel a distance between us since I've been clean. He travels a lot due to his job, as a matter of fact, he's been in Texas for the last month. But, that's not the distance I'm talking about. The majority of our marriage, I've been the one to be the 'screw-up, and he's been the one there to 'fix me. Now, I just don't know what I am in this marriage, other than the 'recovering addict. I always used to say to him "Who are you going to blame for everything when I get clean?". I just feel so disconnected to him...to everything right now. I've been in such a 'fog for so long now, I just don't know where I belong anymore. I don't know how to live sober.
Can anyone relate? Has anyone had a relationship end after they cleaned up?
Thanks for letting me ramble on.
C4P :wtf2
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Hi,
Yes, I can relate.
I started drinking in my mid-forties and drank for a few years, but I had had addictive behaviour throughout my marriage. What I realized, after I began my own recovery, was that I was a co-dependent person, who became an addict. When I stopped drinking, everything I had known and believed about myself was shattered and in pieces. I am not the same person and my relationships are not the same. Some are better, some I have left behind and I have some new relationships. Growth is painful at times, but it is what life is about.
You played the role in your marriage of a 'screw-up' and your husband played his role, intertwined with yours. Now, you are playing a different role and your husband is likely unsure as to what his role is, and maybe unsure about what your new role is. I think the bottom line is, that recovery is wonderful, but it's not always what we expect it to be.
Have you tried talking to your husband about the issues and concerns that you have? Maybe you can open the door to some good dialogue.
Yes, I can relate.
I started drinking in my mid-forties and drank for a few years, but I had had addictive behaviour throughout my marriage. What I realized, after I began my own recovery, was that I was a co-dependent person, who became an addict. When I stopped drinking, everything I had known and believed about myself was shattered and in pieces. I am not the same person and my relationships are not the same. Some are better, some I have left behind and I have some new relationships. Growth is painful at times, but it is what life is about.
You played the role in your marriage of a 'screw-up' and your husband played his role, intertwined with yours. Now, you are playing a different role and your husband is likely unsure as to what his role is, and maybe unsure about what your new role is. I think the bottom line is, that recovery is wonderful, but it's not always what we expect it to be.
Have you tried talking to your husband about the issues and concerns that you have? Maybe you can open the door to some good dialogue.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 14
HiI am 100 days sober, and am still wondering where my married life is at.
I guess we are both going through uncertaities, and role re-establishment.
I enjoy my solitude to help focus on my recovery, but then I get blamed for not taking part in the family. When I was drinking things were very similar because booze was my life.
It's great to be sober. The best I can do is enjoy the roller coaster ride.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
I am right there with you Penny but I am new to sobriety and overcoming that and reconnecting is in my plan.
It will be almost like starting anew. It will include dating and getting to know each other because becoming sober is like a rebirth and letting out a whole new person.
I think talking this out and seeing where you are going together is a great idea. Good luck.
It will be almost like starting anew. It will include dating and getting to know each other because becoming sober is like a rebirth and letting out a whole new person.
I think talking this out and seeing where you are going together is a great idea. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi there
I think all relationships partners, family and friends will become new again to some extent. You are not going to be the person you were before which is great for you. Just continue looking out for you and be selfish about your sobriety, everything else will run it's course or if you believe in a HP/God leave it up to them from there...just stay sober and clean!
Isn't it a great journey though, after 4 and a half months sober only i'm smelling the roses and im not giving that up for anyone or anything.
I think all relationships partners, family and friends will become new again to some extent. You are not going to be the person you were before which is great for you. Just continue looking out for you and be selfish about your sobriety, everything else will run it's course or if you believe in a HP/God leave it up to them from there...just stay sober and clean!
Isn't it a great journey though, after 4 and a half months sober only i'm smelling the roses and im not giving that up for anyone or anything.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Tejas
Posts: 192
I don't know what my wife ever saw in me but thank God she's stuck with me. I'm coming to appreciate her more as I continue to look at myself. It's fighting through the tough times and sticking together that draw us closer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
Thanks for your replies. I guess I just feel like I don't fit in anymore. I'm used to being the one that's the 'screw-up' of the family...that was my role, and THAT was my excuse to keep using. I'm only 153 days clean now...I 'used for more than 10 years, so I know it's gonna take time, but I'm just anxious about my life now and what I want to do with it. I just feel like I've wasted so much time. I don't know who I am.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I've been sober for a little over a year. And married for 8 years - together for 10. I drank the whole time. Now that I'm sober, I upset the whole entire balance of our marriage. We've been talking about divorce for the past 2 weeks. I think and hope we're going to make it but I don't know for sure.
My husband doesn't see that he has any role in this at all. I'm the alcoholic. My problem.
Healing and adjusting takes time. Just try to give it as much time as you possibly can. Because right now, you are doing some very difficult work. And it's hard to know how you're going to come out of it.
My husband agreed with me the other day when I asked if he thought that maybe now that I was sober and had a bigger, healthier life, that that made it harder for him in some ways because I wasn't as focused on pleasing him. I've got a bigger focus of getting well and taking care of myself.
My husband doesn't see that he has any role in this at all. I'm the alcoholic. My problem.
Healing and adjusting takes time. Just try to give it as much time as you possibly can. Because right now, you are doing some very difficult work. And it's hard to know how you're going to come out of it.
My husband agreed with me the other day when I asked if he thought that maybe now that I was sober and had a bigger, healthier life, that that made it harder for him in some ways because I wasn't as focused on pleasing him. I've got a bigger focus of getting well and taking care of myself.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
My marriage definitely changed. He told me I acted weird when I first got sober (ya think?!). That was 8 months ago. 2 months ago he quit drinking (YAY!)....and you want to talk weird....how about TENSE! 
We've been married 30 years. I don't think either one of us is going anywhere, I sure hope not. But I do know this, whatever happens, I will not compromise my sobriety. No matter what.
Hang in there. Take it easy on each other.
We've been married 30 years. I don't think either one of us is going anywhere, I sure hope not. But I do know this, whatever happens, I will not compromise my sobriety. No matter what.
Hang in there. Take it easy on each other.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
I think that my getting 'clean has made my husband insecure. While I was in rehab, he said to me, "I'm afraid you're gonna wake up one day and ask yourself why you married me?"
As I said before, I was the 'screw-up' in the marriage, and he was the one who pointed it out! He doesn't know the 'real me' without drugs...Guess what...I don't know the 'real me' either. I love him and I know he loves me. Maybe we should start over and renew our vows.
As I said before, I was the 'screw-up' in the marriage, and he was the one who pointed it out! He doesn't know the 'real me' without drugs...Guess what...I don't know the 'real me' either. I love him and I know he loves me. Maybe we should start over and renew our vows.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
You're right, this could be a new beginning. Your husband has expressed his fears to you and that's a very positive thing. You probably both need some time and some reassurance at this point.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: WI
Posts: 41
Wow...I really to relate to you. Been married 18 years now and the fact that we are still together is a miracle in many ways. My addiction (opiates) over the last eight years has caused a lot of crap in my life, my wife's life and my kids.
Worse while getting better?
This has been the truth for us and seems to be a very common theme for addicts in recovery who are married. As a matter of fact, the older I get (just shy of 40), the more this seems to be the truth with many things that I try to "reconstruct" in my life. With my recovery process it has been no different. When my recovery began...it has been like the burner has been turned up to the point of boiling over (and so hot that the heat has almost evaporated almost all the water in the pot). My persistence in my addiction (the continual lying, manipulation etc.) appeared to be the perverbial "straw that broke the camels back". The only reason we have stuck it out (by a thin thread) is because of we do have some slightly healthy history to hold on where the marriage was genuinely good and enjoyable. Additionally, (believe it or not, it sounds pathetic now) we used to help counsel young married couples and so we knew some of what we needed to do to make some things better, but were stalemated by lots of our own undealt-with hurts and of course my growing addiction. As doom and gloomy and this is sounding I do want to offer some hope. So here are a few thoughts I hope help in some way for you:
. And I found that applying this principle has really helped our relationship as well. It is my opinion, a marriage can go through it's own kind of detox with a partner (or partners) specifically in recovery.
***Pooop. Work has just called so I have to jump. I hope something I have said help in some way and if I get the chance I revisit the thread soon.
Worse while getting better?
This has been the truth for us and seems to be a very common theme for addicts in recovery who are married. As a matter of fact, the older I get (just shy of 40), the more this seems to be the truth with many things that I try to "reconstruct" in my life. With my recovery process it has been no different. When my recovery began...it has been like the burner has been turned up to the point of boiling over (and so hot that the heat has almost evaporated almost all the water in the pot). My persistence in my addiction (the continual lying, manipulation etc.) appeared to be the perverbial "straw that broke the camels back". The only reason we have stuck it out (by a thin thread) is because of we do have some slightly healthy history to hold on where the marriage was genuinely good and enjoyable. Additionally, (believe it or not, it sounds pathetic now) we used to help counsel young married couples and so we knew some of what we needed to do to make some things better, but were stalemated by lots of our own undealt-with hurts and of course my growing addiction. As doom and gloomy and this is sounding I do want to offer some hope. So here are a few thoughts I hope help in some way for you:
. And I found that applying this principle has really helped our relationship as well. It is my opinion, a marriage can go through it's own kind of detox with a partner (or partners) specifically in recovery. ***Pooop. Work has just called so I have to jump. I hope something I have said help in some way and if I get the chance I revisit the thread soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
Justoday,
Thanks for your response, it helps. I, myself just turned 41. Turning 40 last year really messed with my head and that's when I really spiraled further into my addiction to opiates and cocaine. If you read my very first post here, then you know I lost my mother this past May, thus went into full blown self destruct mode. I won't go into it much, but put it this way...I'm lucky to be alive. As far as my husband goes, well he travels with his job and is hardly ever home. So, since I got out of rehab on Oct. 24. 08,
I've spent a lot of time alone, (and this has truly tested my sobriety) but I've remained clean by the grace of my HP. I just think that there's a bunch of stuff that we haven't confronted. I mean, before rehab I wasn't plugged in, for obvious reasons and all we did is fight, and the more we fought, the more I used. So now, post rehab, here I am, doing all the things that I'd neglected for so long...cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. But I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm living someone else's life. I know that don't make any sense.........:wtf2
Thanks for your response, it helps. I, myself just turned 41. Turning 40 last year really messed with my head and that's when I really spiraled further into my addiction to opiates and cocaine. If you read my very first post here, then you know I lost my mother this past May, thus went into full blown self destruct mode. I won't go into it much, but put it this way...I'm lucky to be alive. As far as my husband goes, well he travels with his job and is hardly ever home. So, since I got out of rehab on Oct. 24. 08,
I've spent a lot of time alone, (and this has truly tested my sobriety) but I've remained clean by the grace of my HP. I just think that there's a bunch of stuff that we haven't confronted. I mean, before rehab I wasn't plugged in, for obvious reasons and all we did is fight, and the more we fought, the more I used. So now, post rehab, here I am, doing all the things that I'd neglected for so long...cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. But I can't explain it, I just feel like I'm living someone else's life. I know that don't make any sense.........:wtf2
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