new and requesting counsel
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
new and requesting counsel
I am writing to request your counsel. I am new here; however, I have read this entire friends and family forum over the last two weeks. I’ve come from surviving infidelity dot com.
I’ll share my story as briefly as I can. my ABF of four years has conned me. I loved him and shared everything with him. he had nothing. I bailed him out of jail, paid for the cars, the insurance, trips to visit his two children in another country, paid for the lawyer to obtain guardianship, and essentially supported him for 3 years.
all this time, I had my own apartment, which I owned, so we lived separately. I had no idea of the extent of his drinking, as he hid it from me. plus, I asked him in the beginning of our relationship, if he was drunk, to not come to my house, only to come over clear, which he did.
while I have had relationships in the past, none was with an alcoholic, so I’m afraid that I didn’t see the warning signs.
my first clue came when I fell pregnant. he desperately wanted the baby as his heart was sad about his little girl who the mother had taken away to another country. he said it would be a new start. I quit drinking and smoking altogether (I’m not a big drinker but we would go out together for a few drinks prior…normally with me going home and him staying out much longer)
he essentially abandoned me while I was pregnant. he’d pop into my flat and then he was away. he said he was drinking because he felt a lot of pressure with the baby coming. I was irritable from quitting cigarettes and felt unsupported. as it continued, month after month, I realized I couldn’t have a baby with him, as he had already abandoned us. I aborted at 4 months, which was quite dangerous, had emergency surgery and was in the hospital up the road for four days. he knew I was going to have the abortion and told me he would come and “pick me up”. I told him I didn’t need someone to pick me up, I needed someone to go with me. he didn’t understand what the big deal was and let me go alone.
when I got back, I split up with him. he then went on a very heavy drinking binge and drank until the blood started pouring out of his nose. his brothers called me from the hospital, saying that the doctor had stuffed his nose with cotton and that someone had to monitor him for hemmoraging and blood clots. I took him to my apartment and watched over him. he said he was sorry, he was so sad about the baby, loved me and well, we got back together.
I sold my apartment when the money ran out and moved in with him about 8 months ago. he became a very different person once I had no money. he gives me almost no money now and we are always at risk of not having enough food or electricity, the car is off the road because he can’t pay the insurance (3 DUIs) and he drinks all of the money he earns as a bouncer at a bar.
about 6 months ago, my best friend in america committed suicide (we live in the UK). with all of the craziness going on here in his apartment, I thought it would be best if I go camping at the beach for a few months, to clear my head and try to sort out my feelings about my friend dying. he gave me no support, saying that it was what they wanted so I shouldn’t be bothered.
I went to the beach alone. I stayed for 3 months, coming back and forth to his apartment every week. he came camping with me sometimes but it wasn’t exciting enough for him, so he mainly stayed in the town. during this time, he was having an extended affair with the barmaid.
when I broke down my camp and returned here, he met me with crocodile tears, confessing his affair. he said he had been drunk the whole time I was away and it was confused, drunken behavior, he was very sorry. well, he didn’t come home that night. he went to hers. when he returned to our flat, he laid down to sleep. I went to the bed, pulled the covers off and said “get out!”. then he threw me around the flat. he left and didn’t come home that night either. when he came back, I said don’t come back. he said it was his flat, threw me around again, ripped my shirt off my back and threw me out. he said my nagging him about the affair was the reason he went back to her.
well, this went on for some time. he moved in with her for a few days. I missed him. he came back one night and we made love. then she was angry and decided to make a scene in the bar he works in, taking all of his things and dumping them on the floor there.
somehow, we managed to reconcile. I still didn’t really understand the extent of his drinking though, as we had now only been living together for 8 months, 3 of which I wasn’t really around for.
now, I feel trapped. I am living in his flat. he gives me no money, even though I supported him for years. I began to wonder where the money he was earning was going? as we never seemed to have any. so I started to keep a journal, tracking the money he had coming in from his work. I did this daily for the last 3 months. I tracked his money, his hours in the pub, his lies…the picture that started to emerge was eye opening. I decided to start getting information. I started showing up at his work, unannounced. I started calling to verify where he was. I checked the phone bill for who he was calling. I broke our cell phone on purpose, so he’d have to use the landline. I went into bars where his old girlfriends were drinking and they were more than happy to fill me in with their stories, as they were drunk. I started verify all data, all locations, all stories….well, it was exhausting.
it turns out he has 4 children, from 3 different woman, all of whom hate him and were more than happy to talk to me. he supports none of the children, one he hasn’t even seen since he was a baby even though the boy, now 17, has reached out and asked for contact. he has a prior domestic conviction apparently, for ripping out a woman’s hair.
I decided to confront him about his drinking. he was in the kitchen cooking. I laid my cards on the table, and he threw a pint of milk against the wall of the kitchen. I continued with what I had to say. he was drunk at the time. he then threw the kitchen knife at me, sticking into the wall next to me.
this still, somehow, wasn’t enough for me to leave! mainly because I didn’t have any money of my own anymore. my family and friends all live in america, and I am in the UK alone
so, I’m here now. after reading this forum, all the patterns are there. I didn’t really fully understand before I started doing my detective work. he is still drinking. he doesn’t really hide it anymore. he drinks about 10 pints a day. he falls asleep with cigarettes in his hand. I’m worried that he will set the house on fire. his brother, also an alcoholic, just burnt down his house, falling asleep while cooking.
I’m in trouble. please help. there is no al-anon here, we live in a tiny, remote place. many of the people here are drunks. it’s part of the lifestyle as there are many whiskey distilleries. his father was a drunk, his brothers are drunks, he’s a drunk. he does not think he has a drinking problem.
I went to the homeless society, asking for help. they said they could give me a flat in a few months. I moved into our spare room and stopped all drinking altogether myself. I never drank much, but sometimes went out with him because if I didn’t, when else would I see him?
I am sorry that this post is so long, but I wanted to give enough details so that you can assess this situation. I’m ready for your brutal honesty, please don’t hold back. I feel confused and lack clarity, although the journaling is helping weed through all of his lies. it hurts. I feel used and manipulated. I understand that I can’t do anything about his drinking. I understand that part is out of my hands.
all of the stories here have been a wake-up call, because they are my story. no man has ever physically abused me before this. he is very strong. he has never actually hurt me, but how good an aim can a drunk have when throwing a knife? I realize that it is possible that he will actually hurt me, perhaps meaning only to intimidate.
If I bring up any of the past, when I am trying to resolve things, he gets angry and says its over, forget it. but how can I forget it when it has never been resolved? I do manage most of the time to bite my tongue and say nothing. but sometimes, the resentment bubbles over and it comes out.
I am not in counselling, although I am considering seeing one. the problem is that it is such a small place filled with gossipers. I don’t want to have his business on the streets and I fear that the councilor will not keep my confidence.
thank you.
marie
I’ll share my story as briefly as I can. my ABF of four years has conned me. I loved him and shared everything with him. he had nothing. I bailed him out of jail, paid for the cars, the insurance, trips to visit his two children in another country, paid for the lawyer to obtain guardianship, and essentially supported him for 3 years.
all this time, I had my own apartment, which I owned, so we lived separately. I had no idea of the extent of his drinking, as he hid it from me. plus, I asked him in the beginning of our relationship, if he was drunk, to not come to my house, only to come over clear, which he did.
while I have had relationships in the past, none was with an alcoholic, so I’m afraid that I didn’t see the warning signs.
my first clue came when I fell pregnant. he desperately wanted the baby as his heart was sad about his little girl who the mother had taken away to another country. he said it would be a new start. I quit drinking and smoking altogether (I’m not a big drinker but we would go out together for a few drinks prior…normally with me going home and him staying out much longer)
he essentially abandoned me while I was pregnant. he’d pop into my flat and then he was away. he said he was drinking because he felt a lot of pressure with the baby coming. I was irritable from quitting cigarettes and felt unsupported. as it continued, month after month, I realized I couldn’t have a baby with him, as he had already abandoned us. I aborted at 4 months, which was quite dangerous, had emergency surgery and was in the hospital up the road for four days. he knew I was going to have the abortion and told me he would come and “pick me up”. I told him I didn’t need someone to pick me up, I needed someone to go with me. he didn’t understand what the big deal was and let me go alone.
when I got back, I split up with him. he then went on a very heavy drinking binge and drank until the blood started pouring out of his nose. his brothers called me from the hospital, saying that the doctor had stuffed his nose with cotton and that someone had to monitor him for hemmoraging and blood clots. I took him to my apartment and watched over him. he said he was sorry, he was so sad about the baby, loved me and well, we got back together.
I sold my apartment when the money ran out and moved in with him about 8 months ago. he became a very different person once I had no money. he gives me almost no money now and we are always at risk of not having enough food or electricity, the car is off the road because he can’t pay the insurance (3 DUIs) and he drinks all of the money he earns as a bouncer at a bar.
about 6 months ago, my best friend in america committed suicide (we live in the UK). with all of the craziness going on here in his apartment, I thought it would be best if I go camping at the beach for a few months, to clear my head and try to sort out my feelings about my friend dying. he gave me no support, saying that it was what they wanted so I shouldn’t be bothered.
I went to the beach alone. I stayed for 3 months, coming back and forth to his apartment every week. he came camping with me sometimes but it wasn’t exciting enough for him, so he mainly stayed in the town. during this time, he was having an extended affair with the barmaid.
when I broke down my camp and returned here, he met me with crocodile tears, confessing his affair. he said he had been drunk the whole time I was away and it was confused, drunken behavior, he was very sorry. well, he didn’t come home that night. he went to hers. when he returned to our flat, he laid down to sleep. I went to the bed, pulled the covers off and said “get out!”. then he threw me around the flat. he left and didn’t come home that night either. when he came back, I said don’t come back. he said it was his flat, threw me around again, ripped my shirt off my back and threw me out. he said my nagging him about the affair was the reason he went back to her.
well, this went on for some time. he moved in with her for a few days. I missed him. he came back one night and we made love. then she was angry and decided to make a scene in the bar he works in, taking all of his things and dumping them on the floor there.
somehow, we managed to reconcile. I still didn’t really understand the extent of his drinking though, as we had now only been living together for 8 months, 3 of which I wasn’t really around for.
now, I feel trapped. I am living in his flat. he gives me no money, even though I supported him for years. I began to wonder where the money he was earning was going? as we never seemed to have any. so I started to keep a journal, tracking the money he had coming in from his work. I did this daily for the last 3 months. I tracked his money, his hours in the pub, his lies…the picture that started to emerge was eye opening. I decided to start getting information. I started showing up at his work, unannounced. I started calling to verify where he was. I checked the phone bill for who he was calling. I broke our cell phone on purpose, so he’d have to use the landline. I went into bars where his old girlfriends were drinking and they were more than happy to fill me in with their stories, as they were drunk. I started verify all data, all locations, all stories….well, it was exhausting.
it turns out he has 4 children, from 3 different woman, all of whom hate him and were more than happy to talk to me. he supports none of the children, one he hasn’t even seen since he was a baby even though the boy, now 17, has reached out and asked for contact. he has a prior domestic conviction apparently, for ripping out a woman’s hair.
I decided to confront him about his drinking. he was in the kitchen cooking. I laid my cards on the table, and he threw a pint of milk against the wall of the kitchen. I continued with what I had to say. he was drunk at the time. he then threw the kitchen knife at me, sticking into the wall next to me.
this still, somehow, wasn’t enough for me to leave! mainly because I didn’t have any money of my own anymore. my family and friends all live in america, and I am in the UK alone
so, I’m here now. after reading this forum, all the patterns are there. I didn’t really fully understand before I started doing my detective work. he is still drinking. he doesn’t really hide it anymore. he drinks about 10 pints a day. he falls asleep with cigarettes in his hand. I’m worried that he will set the house on fire. his brother, also an alcoholic, just burnt down his house, falling asleep while cooking.
I’m in trouble. please help. there is no al-anon here, we live in a tiny, remote place. many of the people here are drunks. it’s part of the lifestyle as there are many whiskey distilleries. his father was a drunk, his brothers are drunks, he’s a drunk. he does not think he has a drinking problem.
I went to the homeless society, asking for help. they said they could give me a flat in a few months. I moved into our spare room and stopped all drinking altogether myself. I never drank much, but sometimes went out with him because if I didn’t, when else would I see him?
I am sorry that this post is so long, but I wanted to give enough details so that you can assess this situation. I’m ready for your brutal honesty, please don’t hold back. I feel confused and lack clarity, although the journaling is helping weed through all of his lies. it hurts. I feel used and manipulated. I understand that I can’t do anything about his drinking. I understand that part is out of my hands.
all of the stories here have been a wake-up call, because they are my story. no man has ever physically abused me before this. he is very strong. he has never actually hurt me, but how good an aim can a drunk have when throwing a knife? I realize that it is possible that he will actually hurt me, perhaps meaning only to intimidate.
If I bring up any of the past, when I am trying to resolve things, he gets angry and says its over, forget it. but how can I forget it when it has never been resolved? I do manage most of the time to bite my tongue and say nothing. but sometimes, the resentment bubbles over and it comes out.
I am not in counselling, although I am considering seeing one. the problem is that it is such a small place filled with gossipers. I don’t want to have his business on the streets and I fear that the councilor will not keep my confidence.
thank you.
marie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
Hi Marie and welcome.
I spent a lot of time on Surviving Infidelity as well after my first marriage ended when he cheated. It is a wonderful resource with great people.
I'm kind of new here as well, so I'm still learning, but it strikes me reading your post that you seem to have thrown an exhausting amount of effort into this person. I think it would be awesome if you did the same thing, but this time taking care of yourself.
I really wish you had Al-Anon, but Sober Recovery is the next best thing. You will meet some wonderful people here.
There are some good books you could try ordering over the Internet like "Codependent No More." There are also some good sticky threads here that have helped me a lot.
I understand your desperation. I have been there. Please take care of yourself.
I spent a lot of time on Surviving Infidelity as well after my first marriage ended when he cheated. It is a wonderful resource with great people.
I'm kind of new here as well, so I'm still learning, but it strikes me reading your post that you seem to have thrown an exhausting amount of effort into this person. I think it would be awesome if you did the same thing, but this time taking care of yourself.
I really wish you had Al-Anon, but Sober Recovery is the next best thing. You will meet some wonderful people here.
There are some good books you could try ordering over the Internet like "Codependent No More." There are also some good sticky threads here that have helped me a lot.
I understand your desperation. I have been there. Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Marie,
First of all thank you for sharing your story, you will meet lots and lots of wonderful people here with so much wisdom and insight.
You story tells me that you need to get some help now.
I don't obviously know the details of your position but I live in the UK too and advise that you go to your nearest Housing Authority office as soon as possible, they have a duty to provide you with emergency housing, it may not be wonderful in as such it may be a hostel, but it will be safe and clean and have the neccesary requirements. You should also speak to somebody at Jobcentreplus who can advise you of any emergency benefits you maybe entitled to.
In terms of Counselling, please don't feel that any of your other half's 'business' would be discussed, regardless of the size of your town, certain codes of practice and confidentiality must always be adhered to if your Counsellor is a genuine one.
Do you have any contact with your family and friends Here or overseas? What are they able to offer you in terms of support and help?
I really do feel for you, it sounds like the behaviours you have been living with and living in, the violence, the infidelity and the checking up must have been horrendous for you, you are in a 'foreign' country and have recently suffered a loss and also your pregnancy is also a massive event you have just gotten through.
You need to start feeling for yourself too now.
It seems like you are some way by being here to realising that your life is becoming intolerable and that is a massive and brilliant thing to happen.
Keep posting, learn as much as possible from the stickies and please, please seek outside help from the relevant places I have detailed.
x
First of all thank you for sharing your story, you will meet lots and lots of wonderful people here with so much wisdom and insight.
You story tells me that you need to get some help now.
I don't obviously know the details of your position but I live in the UK too and advise that you go to your nearest Housing Authority office as soon as possible, they have a duty to provide you with emergency housing, it may not be wonderful in as such it may be a hostel, but it will be safe and clean and have the neccesary requirements. You should also speak to somebody at Jobcentreplus who can advise you of any emergency benefits you maybe entitled to.
In terms of Counselling, please don't feel that any of your other half's 'business' would be discussed, regardless of the size of your town, certain codes of practice and confidentiality must always be adhered to if your Counsellor is a genuine one.
Do you have any contact with your family and friends Here or overseas? What are they able to offer you in terms of support and help?
I really do feel for you, it sounds like the behaviours you have been living with and living in, the violence, the infidelity and the checking up must have been horrendous for you, you are in a 'foreign' country and have recently suffered a loss and also your pregnancy is also a massive event you have just gotten through.
You need to start feeling for yourself too now.
It seems like you are some way by being here to realising that your life is becoming intolerable and that is a massive and brilliant thing to happen.
Keep posting, learn as much as possible from the stickies and please, please seek outside help from the relevant places I have detailed.
x
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Hi Marie, Just wanted to add a couple of things. Tell the housing officers at your local council of the danger you are in. They will make sure you have some sort of accommodation. You can also contact Women's Aid in the UK for advice:Women's Aid - Homepage and check AlAnon UK for any local meetings: .:: Al Anon ::.
Please take care of yourself. :ghug3
Please take care of yourself. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
dear glenna and bearfeet-
if i could only tell you what it means to have someone validate my feelings! i haven't really told anyone. it's such a tight community here and he's the local, i'm the outsider. i have one good friend here, and she has said i can come and stay with her, but she is already overcrowded in a two bedroom house with four children.
i have not told my family in america, i don't want to worry them. my mother has offered to pay my ticket home, anytime i want to come; however, i am worried that if i leave this country, i will loose my spot on the waiting list for a flat of my own. i will go and discuss this issue tomorrow with the housing officers.
i'm also worried to leave, as last time i left, he took a lover. additionally, he was evicted for not paying the rent (which i managed to go to court and have overturned) and he also put my car up for sale. lord knows what i would return to if i left...
as i write all this, it keeps getting more and more ludicrous ! it is a relief to final get it out in black and white. i am grateful.
m
if i could only tell you what it means to have someone validate my feelings! i haven't really told anyone. it's such a tight community here and he's the local, i'm the outsider. i have one good friend here, and she has said i can come and stay with her, but she is already overcrowded in a two bedroom house with four children.
i have not told my family in america, i don't want to worry them. my mother has offered to pay my ticket home, anytime i want to come; however, i am worried that if i leave this country, i will loose my spot on the waiting list for a flat of my own. i will go and discuss this issue tomorrow with the housing officers.
i'm also worried to leave, as last time i left, he took a lover. additionally, he was evicted for not paying the rent (which i managed to go to court and have overturned) and he also put my car up for sale. lord knows what i would return to if i left...
as i write all this, it keeps getting more and more ludicrous ! it is a relief to final get it out in black and white. i am grateful.
m
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Lord knows what i would return to if i left...
Perhaps when you do some work for yourself you may not want to 'return' I don't mean geographically I mean in your heart.
I think you have been accepting a lot of unacceptable things for a long while now. I hope it doesn't upset you to read that, I feel qualified to comment because on knowing my story most people in their right mind (!) feel the same about me, although I can't see it when I most need to sometimes, I'm getting better!
I second Bookwyrms comments too, you may well be in danger to let the relevant people know and Womensaid is a very helpful organisation so please check it out.
I hope you find the strength inside you to want more for yourself, as someone here once pointed out to me, you have been strong enough to go through a lot so start using it to look after yourself.
:ghug
x
Perhaps when you do some work for yourself you may not want to 'return' I don't mean geographically I mean in your heart.
I think you have been accepting a lot of unacceptable things for a long while now. I hope it doesn't upset you to read that, I feel qualified to comment because on knowing my story most people in their right mind (!) feel the same about me, although I can't see it when I most need to sometimes, I'm getting better!
I second Bookwyrms comments too, you may well be in danger to let the relevant people know and Womensaid is a very helpful organisation so please check it out.
I hope you find the strength inside you to want more for yourself, as someone here once pointed out to me, you have been strong enough to go through a lot so start using it to look after yourself.
:ghug
x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by naive 
I bailed him out of jail, paid for the cars, the insurance, trips to visit his two children in another country, paid for the lawyer to obtain guardianship, and essentially supported him for 3 years.
I had no idea of the extent of his drinking, as he hid it from me. he essentially abandoned me while I was pregnant.
I realized I couldn’t have a baby with him, as he had already abandoned us. I told him I didn’t need someone to pick me up, I needed someone to go with me. he didn’t understand what the big deal was and let me go alone.
he then went on a very heavy drinking binge and drank until the blood started pouring out of his nose.
I he became a very different person once I had no money.
the car is off the road because he can’t pay the insurance (3 DUIs) and he drinks all of the money he earns as a bouncer at a bar.
my friend dying. he gave me no support,
I went to the beach alone. . during this time, he was having an extended affair with the barmaid.
confessing his affair. he said he had been drunk the whole time I was away and it was confused, drunken behavior, he was very sorry. well, he didn’t come home that night. he went to hers.
I went to the bed, pulled the covers off and said “get out!”. then he threw me around the flat. he said it was his flat, threw me around again, ripped my shirt off my back and threw me out. he said my nagging him about the affair was the reason he went back to her.
it turns out he has 4 children, from 3 different woman, all of whom hate him and were more than happy to talk to me. he supports none of the children, he has a prior domestic conviction apparently, for ripping out a woman’s hair.
. I laid my cards on the table, and he threw a pint of milk against the wall of the kitchen. he was drunk at the time. he then threw the kitchen knife at me, sticking into the wall next to me.
I he drinks about 10 pints a day. he falls asleep with cigarettes in his hand. I’m worried that he will set the house on fire. he does not think he has a drinking problem.
If I bring up any of the past, when I am trying to resolve things, he gets angry and says its over, forget it.
I had no idea of the extent of his drinking, as he hid it from me. he essentially abandoned me while I was pregnant.
I realized I couldn’t have a baby with him, as he had already abandoned us. I told him I didn’t need someone to pick me up, I needed someone to go with me. he didn’t understand what the big deal was and let me go alone.
he then went on a very heavy drinking binge and drank until the blood started pouring out of his nose.
I he became a very different person once I had no money.
the car is off the road because he can’t pay the insurance (3 DUIs) and he drinks all of the money he earns as a bouncer at a bar.
my friend dying. he gave me no support,
I went to the beach alone. . during this time, he was having an extended affair with the barmaid.
confessing his affair. he said he had been drunk the whole time I was away and it was confused, drunken behavior, he was very sorry. well, he didn’t come home that night. he went to hers.
I went to the bed, pulled the covers off and said “get out!”. then he threw me around the flat. he said it was his flat, threw me around again, ripped my shirt off my back and threw me out. he said my nagging him about the affair was the reason he went back to her.
it turns out he has 4 children, from 3 different woman, all of whom hate him and were more than happy to talk to me. he supports none of the children, he has a prior domestic conviction apparently, for ripping out a woman’s hair.
. I laid my cards on the table, and he threw a pint of milk against the wall of the kitchen. he was drunk at the time. he then threw the kitchen knife at me, sticking into the wall next to me.
I he drinks about 10 pints a day. he falls asleep with cigarettes in his hand. I’m worried that he will set the house on fire. he does not think he has a drinking problem.
If I bring up any of the past, when I am trying to resolve things, he gets angry and says its over, forget it.
Just like no one can save an alcoholic from the addiction because the alcoholic must do it for themselves, so is it with us codependents. I HAD TO SAVE MYSELF.
I am afraid for your life if you continue with this man. How are you going to save YOURSELF?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Naive,
I hope you will re-read what you've told us above. Try to see it from the perspective of someone telling YOU that story, preferably someone you love very much. What would you tell her?
You obviously have a family who loves you, which is a godsend. You are also smart and capable and love-able. Your boyfriend sounds like a person who will happily continue to abuse you for his own purposes until you take your own life. I can't encourage you enough to take some time -- six months, a year -- and go home for a while. You camped at the beach, you can camp in the U.S. for a few months and clear your head, regain your strength, build up an income again, and get some clarity.
Letting him lie in his own dirty bed and protecting yourself is going to be very hard, because you are obviously as addicted to him as he is to his drink. But you have a long and joyous life awaiting you if you exert the strength to do it now.
Not even the meanest, nastiest criminal deserves the treatment you've received.
Break the cycle. Save yourself.
i have not told my family in america, i don't want to worry them. my mother has offered to pay my ticket home, anytime i want to come; however, i am worried that if i leave this country, i will loose my spot on the waiting list for a flat of my own. i will go and discuss this issue tomorrow with the housing officers.
You obviously have a family who loves you, which is a godsend. You are also smart and capable and love-able. Your boyfriend sounds like a person who will happily continue to abuse you for his own purposes until you take your own life. I can't encourage you enough to take some time -- six months, a year -- and go home for a while. You camped at the beach, you can camp in the U.S. for a few months and clear your head, regain your strength, build up an income again, and get some clarity.
Letting him lie in his own dirty bed and protecting yourself is going to be very hard, because you are obviously as addicted to him as he is to his drink. But you have a long and joyous life awaiting you if you exert the strength to do it now.
Not even the meanest, nastiest criminal deserves the treatment you've received.
Break the cycle. Save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I have a friend with multiple sclerosis who has been doing well so far, but knows that she will some day sit in a wheelchair and probably worse. As of now, she is not impaired, successful, beautiful and all around fabulous. She has been in a relationship with a man for seven years and I am sure that he won't stay with her should her illness catch up with her. I do not see him with a woman other than she is now and he even implied as much. I really wish she broke up with him because I believe if a man cannot be trusted to be by my side in times of need, there is no point in having a relationship. That is not love.
I am writing this because you said he didn't even understand your need to have him you at the hospital and that is so sad. Apart from the alcoholism, he just seems like a selfish and uncaring person and you deserve better. I strongly believe that we should be able to rely on our partners when we need them and we should be able to expect that we are taken care of when it's needed. My frustration with my ABF did not begin with him drinking more, but when I realized that I cannot count on him like I used to be able to. It makes me feel sad, lonely, and scared that something could happen to me because my family is also abroad. AND you are physically abused, so he might even put you into a situation in which you need help from loved ones.
Please be safe and remove yourself from this situation for a while. Distance can make such a difference in terms of perspective!
I am writing this because you said he didn't even understand your need to have him you at the hospital and that is so sad. Apart from the alcoholism, he just seems like a selfish and uncaring person and you deserve better. I strongly believe that we should be able to rely on our partners when we need them and we should be able to expect that we are taken care of when it's needed. My frustration with my ABF did not begin with him drinking more, but when I realized that I cannot count on him like I used to be able to. It makes me feel sad, lonely, and scared that something could happen to me because my family is also abroad. AND you are physically abused, so he might even put you into a situation in which you need help from loved ones.
Please be safe and remove yourself from this situation for a while. Distance can make such a difference in terms of perspective!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i appreciate each and every response to my SOS. it's a lot to process, but i wanted to write and say thank you for helping me, a total stranger.
chyrsalis, i appreciate you laying it all out like that to assist my seeing the situation clearly.
i'm going to let all this settle overnight.
chyrsalis, i appreciate you laying it all out like that to assist my seeing the situation clearly.
i'm going to let all this settle overnight.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
if you have ever heard about the frog in the boiling pot, my dear, you are definitely in a boiling pot. get out while you still have yourself!!!!! Your will get more clarity if you can get away. Do you have a job? Why do you want to stay there? checking out this sight I'm sure has revealed certain behaviors that are screaming "co-dependent". Read them, keep us posted, take care of YOU. He is not capable of taking care of you, obviously he is only capable of manipulating women to get what he needs and then moves on when they give out. Take care and good luck.
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