cmb

I recently told my husband about this web site and how much I like it and hes not happy. I dont know if he just doent want me to get better or if hes just an a**h***. He also takes opiates but claims he doesnt have a problem, his problem is not as bad as mine (he doesnt shoot up) but I think it will quickly go that way if he doent get help. He says that instead of being online with u guys I should be online finding a job what he doesnt understand is that its hard to find and keep a job when ur physically and emotionally sick. And that im trtying to get better slowly but surely. I have found this website extremly helpful and i think that might be what scares him because without me he cant find dope and im starting to wonder if he doesnt really want me to stop taking drugs. Please give some advise if u have any, Thanks.:praying

jch116

I know it's really hard trying to get sober ,clean whatever when you have to deal with someone else's addiction around you everyday. I lost a marriage to alcoholism (on both sides). But I think you really have to think of yourself first, your health and happiness and sobriety have to come first. I found that you probably really can't have a healthy relationship when either one or both partners are sick. Someone told me once that you can only quit for yourself, not anyone else. Have you tried telling him how much you want/need to quit and asked him for his support? Addiction can kill you in so many ways and it can kill your spirit if you let it. Try to stay strong and remember why you want to quit. I am so early in this process that I can't offer you any experience but I can say that having the support of people who know what you are going through has been the most crucial thing to me. Without it I wouldn't have made it a week. Good luck to you, keep reading and posting.

C23

I don't have too much advice to give because I think giving marriage advice can be bad. All I can tell you is that this site is invaluable to me and my recovery. If it isn't the time for him to be on here, it isn't the time. The important thing is that you have chosen to be here and we support you. Welcome

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry for your situation.

It could be that your husband is afraid of the changes that he sees in you, and the changes he knows will continue as your recovery continues. I think the best thing you can do is to focus on your own recovery and do what you need to do. You will also be an example for your husband.

Impurrfect

It sounds, to me, like me may not like you getting better? That may sound harsh, but I've been through it before.

Even if you're in a relationship with someone who is not using, once we start making changes in our life, a lot of times they don't like the "new us". When we start looking out for us, doing what WE need to do for our recovery, they feel like we're neglecting them. We're not. We're just not doing what we've always done. Well, that's exactly what recovery is all about.

I would stay focused on what you need to do for your recovery. At some point, you may need to seriously think if this relationship is something you want to stay in...I couldn't stay with my XABF, as he was still using and it was not something I wanted to, or could be around. However, this may not be something you want to decide, right now.

This is YOUR recovery, sweetie. I did have to get a job, immediately in early recovery, as I'm the only one paying my bills. You know whether this is the case in your situation, or not. I still managed to find plenty of time to come on SR, because it's that important to me. Do whatever you need to do for you and your recovery...not what HE thinks is best.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

NewBeginning010

Welcome to SR ;- Did he actually take a minute to come on to the site to see what it is all about or did he decide that he didnt like it after you told him you were enjoying it & that it was helping you>

Either way... you are both welcome here if you should so desire. All of the best in your recovery.

yeahgr8

Hmm why doesn't he go and get a better paid job so you don't have to work and can concentrate on your recovery, or if he is not able to then get a second job, or do more hours at his existing job.

Impurrfect said all that i will in a much more helpful and politically correct way.

cmb

thanks 4 ur response he never really went on the site to se what its about and when he did he eased dropped and read some private things and screamed at me. I dont think he wants me to get better because while im an addict i depend on him 4 eveything hes in control. He makes good money we dont want 4 anything but we are not wealthy all he cares about is money thats why he wants me to get a job then allhis money would be his and id pay the bills. He just doesnt understand how difficult recovery is emotionally and physically

Dee74

I think Anna and Impurrfect had some really good advice cmb.

Have you checked out the Family and Friends forums? I know your husband sees you as the one with the problem, but they still might be another good place for support in stuff like this.

D

nickishine

Hi there, CMB!

I "diddo" what Anna wrote!

Glad you're here and expressing what you need to with us! We've got your back! :ghug3

Toomutch

You're # 1 priority right now is your sobriety. Sit down with him and calmly disscuss this with him. You need to do whats right for you; whatever it takes to get and stay sober.

mle-sober

cmb,

What are the tools you have right now to get clean and sober? I'm glad you found this site - it's very powerful and has been so incredibly helpful for me in my sobriety. The idea that someone else has the power to take something that simple away from you is horrible. It sounds controlling and like he actually doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Luckily, you can be the person who DOES have your best interests at heart. YOU know this site is good for you. You can protect that. I hope that you have other tools also and that you are on the road to recovery.

In my marriage, when I got sober, even though it was an undeniable good thing, my husband still had a hard time. He said he supported me and my efforts but he was frequently angry and resentful. He still is, actually. Because I changed the balance of things and he can't control me the way he did. Your situation (although I don't know exactly of course) sounds similar.

Hang in there. And protect your sobriety. It is precious.

Jules62

Hey there.I pretty much ditto what's already been said here.

My husband said he supported me getting sober in the beginning(almost 2 years ago) but it's been interesting to see how it's panned out here.He initially liked it-said I was a 'much nicer person' sober.But after a few months he then realised that I was still fairly outspoken(that won't shock anyone here who has known me a while-LOL) and he started implying I was drinking again when I wasn't drinking at all.I think he blamed the drinking for me being blunt, but no, that's just who I am.

I think it's difficult for our partners to adjust as we re-discover who we are as sober people and one thing that surprised me is-who I was drunk was kinda like me personified 100 times, in all the worst ways mostly.

Who I am sober is definitely a lot nicer-but my basic personality has always been very upfront.I don't often mix words but I'm softer than people realise and these days I'm beginning to allow myself to be that more openly.It's a journey.I am changing as I go along.I have relapsed several times btw-and it only seemed to make him feel more justified in his accusations.Vicious circle really that's been hard to break.

I guess all I'm saying here(in a very long winded 'all about me' way.Sorry!) is focus on you and your sobriety.You will find there will always people who don't like it as it threatens them.But it's your life you're talking about and in the end that's what it come downs to.Save yourself-you're worth it.The people who genuinely love you will stand by you and support you.

This is why SR has been such a lifeline for me.I know people here understand and I am so grateful for the support and love I've received here.

Julesxox

sailorjohn

Hey, wondered what happened to you. He will most likely have a big problem if you get clean, and I can imagine how difficult that might be to accomplish if you're exposed to him using.

Comparing is what we addicts do to maintain the denial. I don't have a problem, I don't use drink/use as much as they do.

Have you been looking into the rehab?

Samsonsworld

Just some personal observations but it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that my alcoholic friends can't stand the thought of me quitting. I swear its like, "Oh, you quit? That's great! Want a beer? Why not?" But let's face it, when you were using, did you want to hang out with people that didn't? JMO but I think it makes them take a hard look at themselves. I can't imagine being married to one of those types. It would make recovery difficult. Fortunately, it's easier to change friends. I wish you luck.