How do you calm the beast???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
How do you calm the beast???
Once again, AH has wasted half of my day arguing. Everything that goes wrong in his life is my fault.
He is not doing well in his college course. It's my fault.
The house is not clean enough. It's my fault.
The laundry is piling up. It's my fault.
He hasn't been fishing much. It's my fault.
The internet connection is slow. It's my fault.
The printer is not working. (User doesn't know how to operate it properly) It's my fault.
He exhausts me...How do I escape this negativity? He has not drank for 3 weeks. I should be thrilled that the binge I am predicting will happen anytime now has not yet happened. But, instead, I am constantly defending myself to him. If I don't respond, he goes on and on and on about how childish the silent treatment is. If I do respond, it doesn't matter what I say, he will find something to complain about.
I am not kidding. This is beyond belief. He could drive the sanest person insane. What in the hell is going on?? Is this because he is dying to get drunk and is holding back for some reason. I am tempted to tell him to leave for a couple of days and get it over with. I just can't tolerate this beast. He is arguing about every little tiny thing. I bought groceries yesterday. He asked me if I bought cheese. I told him no, but then asked if he was looking for shredded or sliced because there was some shredded cheese in the fridge. He very sarcastically responded "Is it that difficult for you to give me a straight answer? Yes or no? Did you buy cheese yesterday?" Excuse my language but WTF!
He is not doing well in his college course. It's my fault.
The house is not clean enough. It's my fault.
The laundry is piling up. It's my fault.
He hasn't been fishing much. It's my fault.
The internet connection is slow. It's my fault.
The printer is not working. (User doesn't know how to operate it properly) It's my fault.
He exhausts me...How do I escape this negativity? He has not drank for 3 weeks. I should be thrilled that the binge I am predicting will happen anytime now has not yet happened. But, instead, I am constantly defending myself to him. If I don't respond, he goes on and on and on about how childish the silent treatment is. If I do respond, it doesn't matter what I say, he will find something to complain about.
I am not kidding. This is beyond belief. He could drive the sanest person insane. What in the hell is going on?? Is this because he is dying to get drunk and is holding back for some reason. I am tempted to tell him to leave for a couple of days and get it over with. I just can't tolerate this beast. He is arguing about every little tiny thing. I bought groceries yesterday. He asked me if I bought cheese. I told him no, but then asked if he was looking for shredded or sliced because there was some shredded cheese in the fridge. He very sarcastically responded "Is it that difficult for you to give me a straight answer? Yes or no? Did you buy cheese yesterday?" Excuse my language but WTF!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Maybe you should get a clipboard, squirrel, and every time he comes to you and tries to engage in an argument, you can write another item on your list:
Slow internet connection -- my fault
Husband can't identify cheese -- my fault
Course not going well -- my fault
Does he realize he's doing this? Is he trying to get you to blow up so you give him a reason to drink? That would be fairly typical alcoholic behavior, unfortunately.
What happens if you say, "I'm not arguing about this." And again. And again. And again.
I couldn't live like this, but since you seem determined to stay in this relationship no matter how horrible it gets for you, I thought I'd throw out a few fresh suggestions.....good luck with "the beast." Remember it takes two to argue. You don't have to give in to his poking about "the silent treatment." That's engaging in the argument too.
Slow internet connection -- my fault
Husband can't identify cheese -- my fault
Course not going well -- my fault
Does he realize he's doing this? Is he trying to get you to blow up so you give him a reason to drink? That would be fairly typical alcoholic behavior, unfortunately.
What happens if you say, "I'm not arguing about this." And again. And again. And again.
I couldn't live like this, but since you seem determined to stay in this relationship no matter how horrible it gets for you, I thought I'd throw out a few fresh suggestions.....good luck with "the beast." Remember it takes two to argue. You don't have to give in to his poking about "the silent treatment." That's engaging in the argument too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel 
Once again, AH has wasted half of my day arguing. Everything that goes wrong in his life is my fault.
He is not doing well in his college course. It's my fault.
The house is not clean enough. It's my fault.
The laundry is piling up. It's my fault.
He hasn't been fishing much. It's my fault.
The internet connection is slow. It's my fault.
The printer is not working. (User doesn't know how to operate it properly) It's my fault.
He exhausts me...How do I escape this negativity? He has not drank for 3 weeks. I should be thrilled that the binge I am predicting will happen anytime now has not yet happened. But, instead, I am constantly defending myself to him. If I don't respond, he goes on and on and on about how childish the silent treatment is. If I do respond, it doesn't matter what I say, he will find something to complain about.
I am not kidding. This is beyond belief. He could drive the sanest person insane. What in the hell is going on?? Is this because he is dying to get drunk and is holding back for some reason. I am tempted to tell him to leave for a couple of days and get it over with. I just can't tolerate this beast. He is arguing about every little tiny thing. I bought groceries yesterday. He asked me if I bought cheese. I told him no, but then asked if he was looking for shredded or sliced because there was some shredded cheese in the fridge. He very sarcastically responded "Is it that difficult for you to give me a straight answer? Yes or no? Did you buy cheese yesterday?" Excuse my language but WTF!
He is not doing well in his college course. It's my fault.
The house is not clean enough. It's my fault.
The laundry is piling up. It's my fault.
He hasn't been fishing much. It's my fault.
The internet connection is slow. It's my fault.
The printer is not working. (User doesn't know how to operate it properly) It's my fault.
He exhausts me...How do I escape this negativity? He has not drank for 3 weeks. I should be thrilled that the binge I am predicting will happen anytime now has not yet happened. But, instead, I am constantly defending myself to him. If I don't respond, he goes on and on and on about how childish the silent treatment is. If I do respond, it doesn't matter what I say, he will find something to complain about.
I am not kidding. This is beyond belief. He could drive the sanest person insane. What in the hell is going on?? Is this because he is dying to get drunk and is holding back for some reason. I am tempted to tell him to leave for a couple of days and get it over with. I just can't tolerate this beast. He is arguing about every little tiny thing. I bought groceries yesterday. He asked me if I bought cheese. I told him no, but then asked if he was looking for shredded or sliced because there was some shredded cheese in the fridge. He very sarcastically responded "Is it that difficult for you to give me a straight answer? Yes or no? Did you buy cheese yesterday?" Excuse my language but WTF!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
Once again, AH has wasted half of my day arguing. !
You could have said "I will not engage in this talk/behavior/whatever" and left the room. Repeatedly if necessary. Or left the house. Taken some action to prevent the nonsense from interfering with your day. You can choose to stop allowing him from wasting your time. No, it's not easy, especially at first, but you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Wouldn't it be so convenient if they made anti-depressants in the convenient blow dart applicator available over the counter?????
I have told my ABF on many occasions "Someone needs a poop and a nap, and it's not me." I leave you alone to take care of that, and I've left the house.
It quiets him a little while or at least I can't hear him because I've left the premises.
Hang in there! It sounds like he's white nuckling this dry spell outright or at least subconsciously.
I have told my ABF on many occasions "Someone needs a poop and a nap, and it's not me." I leave you alone to take care of that, and I've left the house.
It quiets him a little while or at least I can't hear him because I've left the premises.
Hang in there! It sounds like he's white nuckling this dry spell outright or at least subconsciously.
Stronger than yesterday...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 118
Wow. And you are still with him because why? One can only keep the beast calm for so long before it pops up again. Is this the kind of life you want by constantly worrying and walking on egg shells? It isn't safe because he's basicly a ticking time bomb. It gets very old, very fast. Trust me. Hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
Wouldn't it be so convenient if they made anti-depressants in the convenient blow dart applicator available over the counter?????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Anyway, I try not to engage in arguments with him. He does have a tendency (he denies this) to start an argument before a drinking binge. I would suppose that somehow justifies it in his mind. I do think he is angry with me that he is not drinking, although he is free to do as he chooses. He is afraid that I will be going forward with the divorce if more alcohol is brought into this mess so he is holding out longer than usual.
I try to ignore him or tell him I am not going to argue with him, but he literally follows me around the house. I guess I should have loaded up the little ones and gone shopping or something. I didn't get anything accomplished at home this morning other than some laundry and the dishes. Shopping would have been more relaxing. (That is saying alot, if any of you have ever shopped with a 2yo and 3yo.)
I try to ignore him or tell him I am not going to argue with him, but he literally follows me around the house. I guess I should have loaded up the little ones and gone shopping or something. I didn't get anything accomplished at home this morning other than some laundry and the dishes. Shopping would have been more relaxing. (That is saying alot, if any of you have ever shopped with a 2yo and 3yo.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by anvilhead
i'd probably go the OTHER route and say Look Pal, either shut the F up or get the Hell out. i absolutely refuse to engage in this nonsense one more minute and if you do not leave, i shall. either way this stops, and it stops NOW. i ain't in the sh!t business, so quit giving me any........
sorry, my approach seems times leaves a bit to be desired in the tact and diplomacy dept, however people tell me my message is VERY clear!
sorry, my approach seems times leaves a bit to be desired in the tact and diplomacy dept, however people tell me my message is VERY clear!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
I allowed my ex to make my head spin too. Either, "You're too nice, you let people walk all over you.", or when I did call for accountability, "You say mean things when you get mad." True, my "ignorant-ass hillbilly" statement was mean, but the majority of my "mean" was because I was asking for some responsibility, accountability, or explanation of behavior.
Point being you can't win against "the beast" until you can find your own conviction. Otherwise, all the 'buttons' can still be pushed. So, if ya don't want someone to get your goat... don't show 'em where you tie it up. It takes time but sometimes the best we can do is to look away, into ourselves, to take the focus off the 'why's' of others.
Get in a pissin' contest with a skunk and both parties come out smellin'.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
Point being you can't win against "the beast" until you can find your own conviction. Otherwise, all the 'buttons' can still be pushed. So, if ya don't want someone to get your goat... don't show 'em where you tie it up. It takes time but sometimes the best we can do is to look away, into ourselves, to take the focus off the 'why's' of others.
Get in a pissin' contest with a skunk and both parties come out smellin'.
Many Blessings,
Shaman
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Both of us were head strong and
neither of us wanted to leave. He
would say this is my house and I
pay the bills. Im not the one in
recovery, u r.
And yes it was i, the wife whom my
family did an intervention on. Sure
im grateful for them doing for me
what i couldnt do for myself.
I did stay in rehab for 28 days
followed by 6 weeks of outpatiant
aftercare followed by meetin and
more meetings.
It was what i needed for me to
deal with the normies in my family.
My spouse at that time went to
al-anon for maybe 2 meetings
just to learn the word dettachment.
Then he was cured. Right...
I learned that when one person
in the family is sick then the rest
of the family is infected by this
disease.
Taking care of u is very important.
You r not at fault.
As it took time to drink and get drunk
so will it take time to not drink and
get better.
So many steps into the forest to kill
the bear, so many steps to walk back
out with it. The longer u travel into
the forest the longer u have to travel
back.
There will be roller coaster rides of
emotions up and down for awhile.
I had to stick with people in the
program because they were the
one that understood me and me
them.
If the entire family had worked a
program like me then my marriage
may have been saved....
See i grew and changed in recovery
and the family didnt understand my
changes. Good changes but none
that the family understood.
So my 25 yr marriage ended.
Today i am in a good place and
still growing in recovery but
happy joyous and free as ive
ever been in my entire life.
Take care of u. It's important.
neither of us wanted to leave. He
would say this is my house and I
pay the bills. Im not the one in
recovery, u r.
And yes it was i, the wife whom my
family did an intervention on. Sure
im grateful for them doing for me
what i couldnt do for myself.
I did stay in rehab for 28 days
followed by 6 weeks of outpatiant
aftercare followed by meetin and
more meetings.
It was what i needed for me to
deal with the normies in my family.
My spouse at that time went to
al-anon for maybe 2 meetings
just to learn the word dettachment.
Then he was cured. Right...
I learned that when one person
in the family is sick then the rest
of the family is infected by this
disease.
Taking care of u is very important.
You r not at fault.
As it took time to drink and get drunk
so will it take time to not drink and
get better.
So many steps into the forest to kill
the bear, so many steps to walk back
out with it. The longer u travel into
the forest the longer u have to travel
back.
There will be roller coaster rides of
emotions up and down for awhile.
I had to stick with people in the
program because they were the
one that understood me and me
them.
If the entire family had worked a
program like me then my marriage
may have been saved....
See i grew and changed in recovery
and the family didnt understand my
changes. Good changes but none
that the family understood.
So my 25 yr marriage ended.
Today i am in a good place and
still growing in recovery but
happy joyous and free as ive
ever been in my entire life.
Take care of u. It's important.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I recommend I pillow over the head as he sleeps...oh did I say that out loud...
This is why my AH and I don't fight anymore. Remember that plastic smile I wrote about in my last thread? What he's doing is verbally and emotionally abusing you. Pushing your buttons then when you crack. He can say: 'hey your the crazy one'. I can send you threads all about it. I hate it so much!!! When it happens now I do as the others suggested, like Barbara52 at the end of her post. I say: " I'm not talking about this now...." or something like that. One time while he was screaming in my face I calmly told him I was going to call the cops. He stopped.
Since then I've been pleasant and smiling (almost a year and a half) trying to save money (he steals it if he finds it) to get away. He thinks I'm saving for a computer. I will never try to stop him from drinking again. If he wants to drink himself to death he can. At least now I don't deal with that constant blaming crap. Well he hardly talks to me. I hear about HIS day then he's off to the basement to be with his beer until 3am.
This is why my AH and I don't fight anymore. Remember that plastic smile I wrote about in my last thread? What he's doing is verbally and emotionally abusing you. Pushing your buttons then when you crack. He can say: 'hey your the crazy one'. I can send you threads all about it. I hate it so much!!! When it happens now I do as the others suggested, like Barbara52 at the end of her post. I say: " I'm not talking about this now...." or something like that. One time while he was screaming in my face I calmly told him I was going to call the cops. He stopped.
Since then I've been pleasant and smiling (almost a year and a half) trying to save money (he steals it if he finds it) to get away. He thinks I'm saving for a computer. I will never try to stop him from drinking again. If he wants to drink himself to death he can. At least now I don't deal with that constant blaming crap. Well he hardly talks to me. I hear about HIS day then he's off to the basement to be with his beer until 3am.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by brundle
What he's doing is verbally and emotionally abusing you. Pushing your buttons then when you crack. He can say: 'hey your the crazy one'.
I am disgusted with myself, once again, for letting him get to me. I know you all think I should ignore him, but after 3 hours of constant nagging, how do you keep your composure?
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Yuck. That sounds like a nightmare.
I haven't followed your story but it sounds like you are sticking with him right now, holding off on divorce, because he's not currently drinking? And if he is drinking, that somehow changes your position on leaving or staying?
If that's the case, may I just submit that if he's behaving like such a jerk when he's not drinking, why does his dry status affect your decisions so greatly? What value is there in him not drinking if he's not actually in recovery and he's behaving like a 2-year old who's had too much sugar and needs a nap? A jerk is a jerk is a jerk. Add alcohol or take away alcohol - he's still a jerk.
I haven't followed your story but it sounds like you are sticking with him right now, holding off on divorce, because he's not currently drinking? And if he is drinking, that somehow changes your position on leaving or staying?
If that's the case, may I just submit that if he's behaving like such a jerk when he's not drinking, why does his dry status affect your decisions so greatly? What value is there in him not drinking if he's not actually in recovery and he's behaving like a 2-year old who's had too much sugar and needs a nap? A jerk is a jerk is a jerk. Add alcohol or take away alcohol - he's still a jerk.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He's just doing what alcoholics do.
Every time you start ruminating on "why" he does what he is doing that is your answer.
So try not to waste too much of your precious time on that!
after 3 hours of constant nagging, how do you keep your composure?
Well if you let it go on for 3 stinkin' hours then I guess you DON'T keep your composure. I know I wouldn't be able to.
Can you think of some ways to not feed this fire? Can you leave the room? Lock your door? Calmly say you will not listen to any more complaining?
You say you'll file for divorce if he drinks again--but what's so great about him not drinking?? Sounds miserable either way! You know what I'm sayin? Like what is the point of cataloging his rottenness?
peace,
b
Every time you start ruminating on "why" he does what he is doing that is your answer.
So try not to waste too much of your precious time on that!
after 3 hours of constant nagging, how do you keep your composure?
Well if you let it go on for 3 stinkin' hours then I guess you DON'T keep your composure. I know I wouldn't be able to.
Can you think of some ways to not feed this fire? Can you leave the room? Lock your door? Calmly say you will not listen to any more complaining?
You say you'll file for divorce if he drinks again--but what's so great about him not drinking?? Sounds miserable either way! You know what I'm sayin? Like what is the point of cataloging his rottenness?
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I now walk away in the first couple of minutes. If he keeps going I threaten to call the cops (if he's yelling) and I will. Otherwise I can go out, shut the bedroom door and lock it... I've been told I'm crazy for putting my ipod on and turning the sound up really loud.
I honestly move to another room...different location...He also hates when I say: "You are verbally abusing me and I am going to record you and let everyone listen to how you talk to me". He would hate for anyone outside of the family to know what a slim he is!
Hope that helps...I would kill him (for real, not kidding) after 3 hours.:wtf2
I honestly move to another room...different location...He also hates when I say: "You are verbally abusing me and I am going to record you and let everyone listen to how you talk to me". He would hate for anyone outside of the family to know what a slim he is!
Hope that helps...I would kill him (for real, not kidding) after 3 hours.:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
It's like it is his goal to get me upset. But why? Is it like a child who needs attention? They will act out and get into trouble to get your attention, even if it is negative attention?
Any reaction from you means he has your attention. It also is a game of one-upsmanship. He gets you angry, upset, crying, emotional ... and he can use it against you when it's convenient to do so.
JMO, but I've never known an active A who doesn't hold something against somebody until the end of time. And it will be brought up ad nauseum. My AH started following me into another room once and yelled, "I'm not done talking to you," to which I replied, "Yeah, but I'm done listening."
It appears you have the freedom to choose to stay and allow him to drive you crazy or to leave the house. If it's not convenient to leave, I wholeheartedly agree with what anvil advised.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
