Thank you - your advice helped me get out of a bad relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Chicagoland, IL
Posts: 5
Thank you - your advice helped me get out of a bad relationship.
I posted here about a week ago about my BF, who I now realize is an addict. I wanted to thank you for your words and support. A few of you private messaged me with your own stories and encouragement, and, unfortunately, I have too few posts to respond!
Over the past couple years, my BF has claimed some serious health issues (cancer & gouty arthritis). I don’t know if the health issues are, or at least were, at one time legitimate. I’ve been supporting him completely for most of our relationship. In most of our daily interactions, we enjoy each other – definitely kindred spirits – which made it so hard to leave! He’s one of the few people I’ve met in life who I could talk to for hours on end. Or with whom I could sit quietly in a room, both of us happy. He’d rub my feet or shoulders after a rough day – things a sweet BF would do.
There were times he was grumpy, or just wanted to be left alone, but I chalked this up to the pain he was dealing with from being sick.
Then I’d see that he’d charge things to my CC. Or he’d need more money than I’d already given him for our groceries. He was very good at making excuses and extracting sympathy.
At one point, I was setting aside $300 of my very tight budget for his medications. It was hard to say “NO” when I believed I was paying to keep him out of pain & helping him get better. But now I see that I was feeding the pain of his addiction, not helping him heal a medical issue. His betrayal in lying to me about this was the final straw.
After thinking about your responses, talking with family, and with a counselor, I decided our relationship was over. At this point, he’s taken advantage of every kindness & I feel very used. He’s racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt, at times using my card without permission. This past weekend, I asked him to leave. My Dad came with me, and helped me drop him at the train station. When we said goodbye, he said he loved me and wanted the best for me. I told him I wanted the same for him, but that he needed to love himself. He said, “Yeah, that’s always been the problem”. I know that there’s a good person, deep inside him, and I’ve told him as much. I hope he can find that person and get help.
Going through the house this weekend, packing up his things, was a hard, but useful lesson for me. Among the many unopened medical bills was a warrant for his arrest (he ignored a traffic ticket for too long), and bills for me that he hid (I now owe IL-DOT $1500 on what started off as a $100 fine). Scattered through his things, I found enough empty hydrocodone/oxycodone bottles to fill a plastic grocery sack. There were about the same number of unopened bottles – with the medication that was supposed to relieve the gout. I was also surprised to find a bag with needles, burnt spoon, lighter, and empty Rx bottle for hydromorphone. That was even more shocking to me than finding the pens he was using to snort his meds. I’m going to the Dr today to make sure he hasn’t given me anything – I hope he never shared needles, but I don’t know.
I worked like a mad woman this weekend and all his things are moved out to the garage for him to pick up. Seeing evidence of all his lies hurt like hell & I’ve been angry. I did imagine dumping bleach on his clothes, or throwing everything into the snow. As much as that would feel good, doing those things wouldn’t help me get back to who I am. So I washed his clothes, wrapped his fragile things, and labeled each box. I got a sage smudge stick to “clean” out the bad energy in the house, especially in the rooms where he holed up. (c:
Since he’s been gone, I’ve felt so much happier waking up in the morning - much more hopeful about the rest of my life. The dog & I are alone in this big house on 2 acres – I know it will get lonely, but I’m trying to look at it as being in my own monastery in the woods. I’ll definitely be doing some soul searching to figure out why I didn’t see any of the red flags, which were many. I still worry about him, but I’m trying to say “He’s an adult, he can take care of himself” while I just focus on myself – that will definitely test me because even after all this, I care for him.
I’ve hurt my family a lot the past 2 years. They could see that he was being deceptive, although they didn’t know the root cause. They cautioned me about him, begged me to leave, and finally distanced themselves from me. Yet they were there for me when I was ready to go. It’s going to take a lot of work to rebuild those relationships.
I wanted to thank all of you again for your words and support when I needed it most. I’ll still be lurking around these pages for a while, absorbing and learning.
Over the past couple years, my BF has claimed some serious health issues (cancer & gouty arthritis). I don’t know if the health issues are, or at least were, at one time legitimate. I’ve been supporting him completely for most of our relationship. In most of our daily interactions, we enjoy each other – definitely kindred spirits – which made it so hard to leave! He’s one of the few people I’ve met in life who I could talk to for hours on end. Or with whom I could sit quietly in a room, both of us happy. He’d rub my feet or shoulders after a rough day – things a sweet BF would do.
There were times he was grumpy, or just wanted to be left alone, but I chalked this up to the pain he was dealing with from being sick.
Then I’d see that he’d charge things to my CC. Or he’d need more money than I’d already given him for our groceries. He was very good at making excuses and extracting sympathy.
At one point, I was setting aside $300 of my very tight budget for his medications. It was hard to say “NO” when I believed I was paying to keep him out of pain & helping him get better. But now I see that I was feeding the pain of his addiction, not helping him heal a medical issue. His betrayal in lying to me about this was the final straw.
After thinking about your responses, talking with family, and with a counselor, I decided our relationship was over. At this point, he’s taken advantage of every kindness & I feel very used. He’s racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt, at times using my card without permission. This past weekend, I asked him to leave. My Dad came with me, and helped me drop him at the train station. When we said goodbye, he said he loved me and wanted the best for me. I told him I wanted the same for him, but that he needed to love himself. He said, “Yeah, that’s always been the problem”. I know that there’s a good person, deep inside him, and I’ve told him as much. I hope he can find that person and get help.
Going through the house this weekend, packing up his things, was a hard, but useful lesson for me. Among the many unopened medical bills was a warrant for his arrest (he ignored a traffic ticket for too long), and bills for me that he hid (I now owe IL-DOT $1500 on what started off as a $100 fine). Scattered through his things, I found enough empty hydrocodone/oxycodone bottles to fill a plastic grocery sack. There were about the same number of unopened bottles – with the medication that was supposed to relieve the gout. I was also surprised to find a bag with needles, burnt spoon, lighter, and empty Rx bottle for hydromorphone. That was even more shocking to me than finding the pens he was using to snort his meds. I’m going to the Dr today to make sure he hasn’t given me anything – I hope he never shared needles, but I don’t know.
I worked like a mad woman this weekend and all his things are moved out to the garage for him to pick up. Seeing evidence of all his lies hurt like hell & I’ve been angry. I did imagine dumping bleach on his clothes, or throwing everything into the snow. As much as that would feel good, doing those things wouldn’t help me get back to who I am. So I washed his clothes, wrapped his fragile things, and labeled each box. I got a sage smudge stick to “clean” out the bad energy in the house, especially in the rooms where he holed up. (c:
Since he’s been gone, I’ve felt so much happier waking up in the morning - much more hopeful about the rest of my life. The dog & I are alone in this big house on 2 acres – I know it will get lonely, but I’m trying to look at it as being in my own monastery in the woods. I’ll definitely be doing some soul searching to figure out why I didn’t see any of the red flags, which were many. I still worry about him, but I’m trying to say “He’s an adult, he can take care of himself” while I just focus on myself – that will definitely test me because even after all this, I care for him.
I’ve hurt my family a lot the past 2 years. They could see that he was being deceptive, although they didn’t know the root cause. They cautioned me about him, begged me to leave, and finally distanced themselves from me. Yet they were there for me when I was ready to go. It’s going to take a lot of work to rebuild those relationships.
I wanted to thank all of you again for your words and support when I needed it most. I’ll still be lurking around these pages for a while, absorbing and learning.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Wow Aurora, what an awesome post. You have accomplished ALOT in a short time frame.
Take care of yourself and if you can check out a face-to-face AlAnon or NarAnon meeting - might help you to see you're not alone and have a place to work through some things with people who understand and genuinely care.
Take care of yourself and if you can check out a face-to-face AlAnon or NarAnon meeting - might help you to see you're not alone and have a place to work through some things with people who understand and genuinely care.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
Wow.....good for you, Aurora. I am so impressed with your strength and that you realize the need to do some soul-searching of your own. My relationship with my abf ended last Thursday. Unfortunately, I am still waiting (not very patiently, I might add) for him to get out of my house. I have better uses for my spare bedroom and couch, thank you!! It soon will be me and my dog......though no 2 acres!! I keep telling the dog we'll be fine........more to reassure myself than anything I think. But we will be. I am strong, or at least I used to be and will be again.
I have been going to alanon meetings regularly since October, and I am so glad to see how my growth shows in this difficult time. My old habits surrounding a break-up, which used to be my "life-line" now seem silly and full of drama. I am content to sit with me, learn about me, and learn to be happy by myself......something I've never really had the time to do before. Too busy looking for the next Mr. Right, I guess.
You are doing great, and though you may be new here, you are on a springboard to health and recovery. GO YOU!!
I have been going to alanon meetings regularly since October, and I am so glad to see how my growth shows in this difficult time. My old habits surrounding a break-up, which used to be my "life-line" now seem silly and full of drama. I am content to sit with me, learn about me, and learn to be happy by myself......something I've never really had the time to do before. Too busy looking for the next Mr. Right, I guess.
You are doing great, and though you may be new here, you are on a springboard to health and recovery. GO YOU!!
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