menono

my parnter of 4 years finally got sober 6 months ago. for backround info, we're lesbians. i am a social drinker. she still goes out to bars with friends for the social aspect and does not drink. she does not attend AA or any other therapy at this time. she now say's that she is no longer in love with me or feels intamacy with me since she got sober. also that she had been feeling this for a time before she got sober. she said any inimacy we had was obligatory on her part. we live together and each own property. she is unsure of whether to end the relationship or not. she says she need space & time on her own to go through what she is going through. i still am in love with her and trying my best to let her do what she needs to do. i am in therapy for this and have medication for anxiety. there is an age differecnce - i'm 45 & she's 29 but it has never been an issue before. she says she needs to grow up and experience things on her own now. i guess i can't hold her back but i am really struggling. we have been sleeping in seperate rooms and my sleep is not well. that's the short version and any help would be great!

ItsmeAlice

Welcome to SR.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The ups and downs of any relationship can be so hard to navigate, but with the added whirlwind of alcoholism, it is that much more difficult.

My boyfriend of 10 years is an alcoholic, and we have lost all but the tiniest bit of intimacy due only in part to our alcoholic and co-dependent behaviors. It does take it's toll in both partners.

You will find a vast amount of support here. Please read the sticky threads at the top and browse through the threads.

You can work through this. We're here to help.

JenT1968

hey there menono

glad to see you here,


I have never been in the position of being in a relationship with a sober alcoholic (in a program or otherwise) so I have no thoughts there,
I am sure people who have will be along to say hello.

I have been in relationships where my sig other has said they didn't want me, had fallen out of love, needed space, and it cuts like a knife, the pain was devastating. As you know, you can't force the issue, but space for them means space for you too, a chance to focus on your needs and wants for the future, whilst leaving them to deal with their own.

be gentle with yourself
:ghug

cmc

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you are reaching out for help and hope that you will take some time to read the sticky threads, other posts and maybe check out some of the other forums we have here at SR. We have alot of people here who can offer support & positive input for you during this difficult time in your life.

I haven't been in your situation but did find counseling to be helpful as well as coming here the last three years and attending Al-Anon for many years.

I sorry you're in such pain and hope that by coming here to FFA you will find some comfort in the comraderie of others who are also friends & family of alcoholics.

GiveLove

Hi menono,

I'm so sorry you're in pain but I am glad you found us.

This has to be an incredibly difficult time for you -- you're being pulled in different directions by your partner's situation and by your own emotions. Confusion and grief and sadness and even anger might be bouncing around in your head & heart, creating damage. Have you thought about buying some time with a good counselor to talk this through? I think you would find so much relief in that -- I know I did.

You can't change your partner's mind, but you can get help to change how you deal with it inside, get some rest, learn some detachment skills, and begin the healing process. I hope you're able to find someone to help you work through this....it's very hard stuff.

Hugs,
GL

menono

i am seeing a counselor and it's been helpful. she's wishy washy about couples therapy so i'm going it alone for now. i'm reading through the threads too. i'm just going through so many different emotions, sometimes just in one day! after all i put up with with her drinking and stuck it out, i feel left behind now that she's healthier. and i miss her. she was a binge drinker so there were many times of goodness in between binges. i'm finding things to occupy my time while giving her space and discovering new things about myself but it's hard to be in limbo. not knowing what the future holds. it's really hard not to feel insecure and my self esteem is very low. our friends notice a difference in me and i'm trying to keep my head up but right now i'm not the same outgoing peppy person i once was. i've got alot on my mind and tend to be very distracted. anyhoo, thanks for the warm welcome and good vibes.

GiveLove

Menono,

I know you're trying to give her space and let her decide what she wants, but...it has to take a toll on your health, having it all be open ended.

You may be much stronger than I, but I could not remain living with someone who said they no longer loved me, no longer enjoyed being physical with me, and might decide to leave at any time.

I know it's hard, but this kind of uncertainly will kill you. Personally, I would be considering a separation to truly give her - and myself - the space needed to start healing. It is not fair to you to have this drag on forever; you will be suffering in limbo until SHE decides what she wants, having already dropped that bomb on you.

Sending you hugs and strength to find your way back to happiness - we all deserve love and honesty.

XOX
GL

kj3880

I agree with givelove, it would be less painful to you if you just "rip off the bandaid" and get it over with. You are only delaying the inevitable, and as a result, you are actually delaying the time when you can finally feel better (after you grieve it out of your system). It would feel so good to make this choice instead of letting her control how it all goes down, wouldn't it? I highly advise it, the sooner the better.

If you find yourself unwilling to take this step for yourself, keep in mind that you won't have room for Ms. Right if Ms. Wrong is holding her place...it isn't fair to you, or the special someone who's out there that is just waiting to love you exactly as you are! You deserve someone who loves you with a whole heart, and wants to be with you physically and mentally.
Love,
KJ

In a Tailspin

Hey menono! Welcome to SR!!

I think the biggest question that came up for me in reading your original post was this:

Alcoholism aside, what is it that makes you want to cling so tightly to someone who has flat-out said to you "I'm not in love with you and I'm not sure I want to continue to be with you"?

I know that the "limbo" is hard - SO HARD!! The times I've been in *her* position, I never intentionally strung anyone along, but ended up doing just that because I was worried if I just flat-out said "it's over", that would hurt them - and I couldn't bear to do that. That, of course, is because I'm a codie, and God forbid I should do what's right for me, even if it means hurting someone else's feelings!!

You have a lot more say here than you give yourself credit for. You can continue to be strung along, or you can say "I deserve to be with someone who loves, is *in love* with me, and has no doubts that I am worth it!!". You deserve better........you just haven't realized it and admitted it to yourself yet.

I wish you all the best.........

SuperTrucker65

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so badly!! It sucks!! I know!! when I got clean, for the first time, without any meetings, or support, My Other Half, gave Me My walking Papers!! We had a child together, I was about to lose My House, in an Addiction-Induced-Foreclosure... I was Absolutely Devistated!! I thought We could work it out... and on, and on...
As it turned out, I relapsed, Lost the House, spent alot of time thinking it all through... and realized, Maybe She was right, and we were better apart... And the Healing began.

Now, almost 4 years later... We are still apart, and will remain so forever, But We have Our Friendship Back, which seemed to have slowly vanished, while We lived together, We had been best friends for 18 years, before We were able to try things as a Couple, before all that... But... We will always love each other, and We are Very Close, again! She is My Favorite Ex!! (Lots of Humans, give Me strange looks, when I call her that... but it is true)...

Do I know what the Moral of My story is??

Not Really!!

But I remember that Pain... It sucked Large!!

My Theory is... Everything happens for a Reason!! With My Ex and I it did Too! I have a Wonderful Son, because of Our Relationship!! And Looking back on Things... I would not change a Thing!!

We Both Hurt, and Healed, And Learned, and Grew, from it All!!

And We Both Love each other, in a way that is Very Rare, and Very Intense... But... I had to Respect Her Wishes, way back then, when She said... "Rob, It is Over"... It was Horrible, at the Time... But It all worked out, So Very Well!!

I hope that was some kind of Help, for You... I maybe just Rambled... If so... I Apologize!!

Best of Luck!!

~Rob~

SJLady

Hi Menono!

I am new here also and don't have much experience living with someone who's struggling to remain sober, but I can certainly speak to some of the other aspects of your relationship, cause I have been there.

Two people in particular have already given you some good advice. You were spot on when you spoke of being in limbo. I think that is one of the most difficult places to be when you're in love with someone.

I was married once before. Spent about 20 years with this man. Loved him like I loved no other. Loved him more than I loved myself. We eventually divorced, but we also dated for about 1.5 years, four years after our divorce. At first he seemed really excited, then as time went on all I heard was "I don't know how I feel about that," "I'm ambivalent," "I'm apprehensive." I spent a lot of time crying and pining over a man who couldn't quite figure out whether or not he loved me. There is no worse feeling in the world...you feel worthless, humiliated, demoralized. After wasting so much of my precious time on him, I finally realized that while he was out there carrying on with his life I was still alone and knew that I deserved much better than what I was getting. I finally had the courage and self-respect to break it off with him and for good. I deserved someone who would love me like I deserved to be loved. With him there was too many mixed messages, too much false hope, too much carrot-dangling.

To reiterate what someone said earlier: do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't know whether or not they love you? If I were in your situation (which I'm not, but just sayin), one of us would be moving out. In the meantime, be good to yourself. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
:ghug2