katie53

i've noticed for awhile my 14 yr. gd seems distanced from me. We have always had a close relationship but it started changing about a year ago. I know some of it is typical teen behavior as other parents of teens have told me. I have been her full guardian for almost 5 yrs. now. She will tell me when she gets upset" I hate being here" Other parents have told me they hear pretty much the same thing from their teens. At the same time when mom is around it's all smiles and fun. It hurts to know that she will tell mom things about her friends, or upsets with her bf., but will not tell me. She is not yelling rude, but is "not interested". Can someone tell me some tidbits of handling the hurt. I never put her mom down to her. If I ask her how she feels about things she just says" I'm fine' nothings wrong". I believe she knows she will never have that life with mom again and misses the days gone by from when she was 9 and younger, before crack. Mom is clean now, but is so busy with her personal life and problems. She is not able to care for the girls financially Her credit is shot and with a felon on her record, life ahead could be a struggle. She does not want to go back to counseling. Is ther anything I could say that may lift the anger that I (feel ) she has placed on me.

Callie

I kind of feel the same thing with my kids. Though they're only 8. I am the one who has cared for them for the most part through AH's addiction. I do make sure to NOT talk bad about him and be supportive. I think the important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. It helps when I can get each child alone and bond with them individually. Like say out to eat or shopping or just laying with them in their rooms talking. She may be too old for this, but I bought my kids workbooks from amazon and they can draw or write whatever response to the question. I also bought them both journals. If she's not opening up to you, the key is finding a way to take down those barriers. I'd also speak with her teachers or guidance counselor for suggestions. It also helped me to speak with a counselor to find ways to best handle the situation. You said she doesn't want to go, but you can still go to find ideas. Teenagers are a HARD time, I'm sure her hormones aren't helping anything either.

katie53

thanks Callie, Teens definitely are HARD times. I had someone tell me once that 14-17 are the worst. I do want to keep lines open. I know it won't be like when she was 9,10,11, even 12, but it sure is a struggle. I am going to get ahold of her school counselor, hopefully she won't tell gd.It,s not that she is a problem child. She is honor roll and her teachers all comment positively about her. It's just that I "feel" as though I'm her enemy.:wtf2

winnie12

The thing that gets me through is knowing that i am my childrens mother and not their friend. A while back i read something that said if your teenager hates you, you are doing a good job. At one point i told my AS that i loved him enough to let him hate me right now. They have friends to laugh and talk with but that's not me. I'm here to talk when they need someone above the maturity level of their friends. Sure i like to laugh and talk with my kids but sometimes its not possible to be both - especially when they are teens. I've resolved that someday I would like to be friends with my son but that will be when he is older - probably in his mid 30s. I think that i became friends with my parents when i was nearing 40 myself. Now we really enjoy being with each other and its wonderful - earlier in my life when i needed instruction it would have been destructive to have that kind of relationship.

I agree that it is harder when there is an immature parent involved becuase they get all that fun time. that's okay because that really has nothing to do with you. You are in it for the greater good not to make a friend. One day when she is more mature she is going to realize all that you did for her. So just sit back, keep being the responsible guardian that you are and just wait for that time. Dont let her mom's immaturity and irresponsible behavior make you second guess yourself or make you feel jeolous. Would you really want to be like her just to get that attention from your GD? just look at is if she is hanging out with another teenager.

My son went through this and i had expected it to last longer but he has already realized that his dad is not a true father. He says his dad is selfish, irresponsible, and is really more of a buddy then a dad. Its not a competition and we're not going to get any prizes - we're just doing it because this is what's right and honorable and because they need us. We get our friendship and attention from other adults not from children.

Freedom1990

I would highly recommend you call your local social services and see if they have or could recommend resources for parenting classes geared specifically towards raising teens.

It was one of the best things I ever did when my youngest daughter and I were both struggling.

Chino

Does anyone remember that commercial where the parents are slamming doors and screaming "I hate you", in preparation of the teenage years? I didn't like that commercial at all because that kind of behavior was unacceptable to me. Now I understand it wasn't about accepting that behavior, it was about becoming immune to it.

I love Freedom's suggestion but will admit the old me would not have accepted it. I was too proud at the time and too focused on changing others behaviors instead of my own.

atalose

Katie53,

I can really relate to what you are going through. I became the guardian of my 15 year old niece by default. Both her mother and father played ping pong with her for a number of years, when things became tuff, defiance, sassy, slamming doors all those wonderful teenage qualities she was sent someplace else. The last time she was sent off was too lucky me!!!!!

I got her into counseling, helped her to bring her grades up and helped her work on her self esteem. It was so much more work with her then it ever was with my boys who were teenagers at the time she came to live with us.

I think many years of al-anon helped me detach from her hurtful behavior. She hated both her mom and dad yet at every opportunity she could find she desperately wanted their attention and to bond with her mother much like she bonded with me. She would close off towards me when she was in contact via e-mail, cell phone with her mother.

This past summer she traveled to Ohio for her mother’s 5th wedding where all her siblings from various fathers were to reunite. While out there she asked her mother if she could come back home to graduate high school out there, her mother said NO. My niece begged and pleaded but the mother stood firm.

Well, she was 17 at that time and while out there met some rather un-healthy people she latched onto and manipulated them into paying for an air line ticket in October when she turned 18 so she moved herself out there to have a wonderful happy life as she put it. Apparently none of us, counselors, school guidance, teachers, friends, family, didn’t want her to be happy so moving herself to Ohio to the same town her mother lives and where she knows she is not wanted was the best idea towards happiness my niece could come up with. Besides the fact she met this boy, knew him for a week, fell in love and used him and his family to get her self out there.

Now 4 months later, she’s only been to her mother’s house twice, both were very short visits. She hardly ever talks to me anymore, won’t respond to any of my e-mails or text messages let alone answer her phone so I’ve stopped trying.

The people who enabled her to move are now moving themselves due to no work. So she and her boyfriend need to find someplace to live so they both can finish HIGHSCHOOL!
She informed me that she is now 6 weeks pregnant and planning on keeping it, she has no job but plans on finishing school. She is not sure where they will live but it’s not really any of my business that’s what she told me and she also informed me she really doesn’t care if I am disappointed in her choices or not it’s her life and she will do as she pleases.

Hurt, hell ya! She pretty much slapped everyone who ever attempted to help her in the face. She left with the attitude she came with and today I can say I love her but I am glad she is gone and I also have made up my mind she won’t be coming back.

I think some of the questions you need to truly ask yourself are, why do you feel so hurt she opens up to her mother and not so much you anymore? Do you see yourself being jealous of that relationship? Do you feel pushed aside?

I know for me I was leaning in the direction of wanting to be the one who could reach out to her. I wanted to able to help her cope through life not battle it. For a short time I was making it about me, what I wanted for her, how I wanted her already sad life to turn out.
Going back to some meetings (al-anon) helped me get myself back on track and let my own ego and will go when it came to trying to control her life.

I keep reminding myself I didn’t cause her dysfunctional life, I can’t cure her inner demeans and I can’t control her life……………

I know I did the best I could and have no regrets for what I was able to offer her. Maybe someday she will choose to use some of those things. And I make sure I include her in my prayers.

I think getting her into counseling may be the best for the both of you.

atalose

It’s funny I did go through the slamming door thing with my niece for an entire weekend. On Monday morning I told her that if she slammed that door one more time I’d take it off.

Well she just had to test those boundaries with one bigger slam on her way down stairs to go to school.

She certainly was surprised when she got home and found she had no door to her room.

I explained that if she wanted to act like a child she would be treated like one and that her own behavior in the right direction is how she’d get that door back.

So after a few days of her being nice, polite and respectful she asked for the door to be put back up. I explained that it took weeks of her bad behavior to bring me to that point it was going to take much more then a few days of her nice behavior to convince me.

winnie12

I did that one myself - it does help. took my son about a month to "earn" his door back.

I also read a good book on dealing with teens called Teen-Proofing. Its not an addiction book at all - just about teaching kids to be responsible and respectful.

outonalimb

Katie,

Teenagers are tough.

I've gone thru something very similar with my former stepdaughter. (My exah's daughter from a prior marriage). She'll be 16 in April. 'm not her guardian...I don't have her full time...I only have her over to visit occassionally on the weekends but it really feels like our relationship has deteriorated rapidly during these teenage years. She doesn't seem to have much use for me unless there is something she wants. I don't tolerate alot of things that her parents tolerate...I call her out when she acts disrespectfully or like a spoiled brat. I hold her to a high standard of behavior and I think she resents the hell out of me for it but one day I hope she will see that I was trying to act like the parent she never had since both of her biological parents are more interested in being her friend.

I'm convinced that she hates me right now but I'm okay with that. Hopefully someday she'll appreciate some of the things I have done but even if she doesn't, I think I've done my best to be a positive influence in her life and thats all that really matters to me in the final analysis.

Keep being the parent...let mom or others be her friend...Even though teenagers would never admit it, they need someone to hold them accountable and set limits on their behavior. Someday, when she's older, she'll realize how much you have done for her. Heck, deep down inside I bet she already knows she just isn't capable of admitting it right now.

Hang in there...
Understanding hugs...

atalose

Ya it took her about a month to earn her door back.

I've learned that if we don't mean what we say then neither will they.

katie53

Thanks to all of you, it helped me out. It helps to know that this is something many go through
Anvilhead: I was drinking a soda when I read your post,I laughed so hard, I lost my mouthful of soda!!

Marlie

I have to respond to where this thread lead to door removal. I have a girl friend whose teenage son locked himself in his room and refused to open it. His mom, took an axe to the door and I don't think he ever got a new door back. He must have been terrified. At the time when she told me this story and I didn't have teenagers, I thought this was a complete and total over reaction. Well, years later with my youngest, (I have three daughters - two grown and successful - yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel) I discovered that she had been out all night with a friend. They had pulled the "I sleeping over at the girl firends house" with both their mothers trick. I just came home and wanted to talk to her about it. I started calmly telling her about the importance of knowing where she is, etc. She started that teenage attitude of I don't have to talk to you and locked herself in her room. I lost all patience and started kicking her door with my stiletto (spelling) heels. The heel on the shoe was doing some significant damage to her door. Once I started, I didn't stop until I had kicked all the way through. She didn't get a new door for years. I never hit her, but that door took the brunt of all my anger.

Teenagers are tough. They think they know everything. I know though that it has never been my intention that they like me. If, in the end, we are friends that is a bonus. I just wanted to raise my girls to be strong, independent women. My oldest was little trouble, she attended college has masters degree and two little ones of her own. My middle gave me attitude at 19. I don't know why, but she walked around like I was the enemy. She is now in med school and doing well with three kids. The chapter on my youngest AD has yet to close. I hope she does well, but it is up to her. If she hates me, so be it. It is only my responsibility to see them to adulthood with the necessary skills to take care of themselves.

Serenity Bound

oh my, we took the door off also. lol

cmb

I kind of know how ur gd feels my mom was an alcoholic after my cocaine addicted father committed suicide when i was 11 i had anger towards everyone especially those who were diffrent and trying to help me. she may get along better with her mother because she knows what to expect and what not too from her. And at the same time she doesnt know what to expect from the people who are diffrent then what shes used to. This is just my opinion.

hope213

your g.d. does these thing to you because she is so comfortable with you. she knows u are there & always will be. it is like when my kids were growing up, their father & step mother would come get them once every 4yrs. & buy & buy & buy for them. they would think it was so great. they would forget about all the things i had bought for them the 4 yrs he was missing. that was the way it was every time they got my kids. once your g.d. matures she will know what you have done for her & will appreciate it. i do understand how u feel & it can make you angry & admit it, a little jealous. prayers for you & her.

SuperTrucker65

I did the Door-Be-Gone-Trick, to My Ex-Common-Law-Step-Daughter, once too!! She Hated it!! As she has 2 little sisters, and a Baby Brother, who was a Toddler, at the time... She was a Pre-Teen, at the time!!! hahahaha!! I enjoyed that few-Door-less-days, So Much!! Hahahaha!! I agree... Make Rules/Boundries, and stick to your guns, about it!!!

~Rob~

katie53

yup, your're right hope213. I get angry and I do feel that tinge of jealousy. I do believe that in the long run, gd will appreciate what i could and did do for her. I guess I'll just have to wait it out. I think I do have the fear that I may screw up and she will turn to drugs like Mom. I do understand it is not my fault for my ad choice, but I fear ever having to go through it again with a gd. The other day my gd asked to read a non-fiction book about an addict. Ad said I don't think that would be appropriate for her to read. I think she was asking about Tweak. Gd said "why couldn't I read it, it's not like I don't know about addiction"

Sunflowers

Ah the old fashioned vanishing door trick! I love this one! My son is 15, and is a normal teenager in every way, to include the ubiquitous door slam. He's only done it twice, and each time I showed up with a screwdriver, and a hammer and calmly removed the hinges from his door, and had him take it out to the garage. I explained when he felt he could handle the responsibility of the door that he could have it back! I wasn't angry, but we're not going to have testosterone induced hissy fits in my house. Good luck with your parenting! Whoever said it was easy obviously never had kids.

Impurrfect

((Katie))

My niece, Brit, is 15. Her mom was killed in a car wreck, when Brit was a baby, so my stepmom is her guardian. She lives with us (me, dad, stepmom). Brit's dad is an A, and is in jail, again...Brit doesn't want much to do with him.

Stepmom is now addicted to pain pills. She has always felt "guilty" that Brit's mama died, so has never, ever disciplined Brit, never told her "no". Brit doesn't know the meaning of the word "consequences", except what dad and I have taught her.

I get jealous, sometimes, because she and stepmom are so close. On the other hand, Brit has absolutely no respect for her. She and I have argued, she's told me she hates me (usually followed up, pretty quickly with an apology). I have set boundaries with her and stuck to them. Though I did not live here when I was using, I did when I relapsed, and Brit knows all my history...and she's seen my recovery, first hand.

She has huge anger issues, and refuses to go to counseling. When issues come up with stepmom and her addiction, I'm the one Brit comes to. When her manipulative other grandparents told her that her "dad" was "dying in the hospital" (he'd OD'd, but was fine) and they wanted her to come by herself (they wanted to manipulate her), she said she wasn't going without me, because she knew I had her back.

I've told her it's okay to be mad at me, as long as she knows what I do, I do out of love. I keep repeating this, especially when she's mad at me She doesn't like rules, and she gets furious when I enforce any or when I tell her "no, I'm not doing x because you did y".

She's learning, though, and that makes it worth it.

It also helps that I have a few people to vent to, when she really drives me crazy (like Anvil ). I told my dad, I can go from loving her SO much, I can't believe I am so blessed to having her in my life....to 5 minutes later I want to knock some sense into her and duct tape her mouth shut!!! He just laughed, because he totally understands.

Hugs and prayers!

amy