bovinePieBear

This morning I went to a place where I can work with support, a centre for people who've had mental health problems. I go there often - it gets me out of the house, and I do a lot of their IT support for them so keeping me "hands on."

I set up my laptop, and sat down to begin, when my mobile phone went off. It was my wife, and she spoke urgently to me. She told me not to look on Facebook, and to go somewhere where she could speak to me that I'd be private.

I hardly ever use Facebook, so I was more than a little bemused. Finally she explained: my eldest daughter had sent me and my wife a Facebook message that she was eight weeks pregnant. She only turned eighteen at the beginning of February.

My two eldest daughters are not my wife's children. They're from a previous relationship - there was no marriage between me and their mum. I see them often, we're close, they stay over with us regularly. But still, my eldest was afraid to tell me this news by phone. In fact she's known for weeks, and only just telling me.

I've spoken to her now. I called up and asked her how she was. I asked her what she was planning to do about college, her future, the baby's care. I asked her if she wanted to come up and have chicken dinner with us this weekend. She's coming up. We'll talk it through.

I've felt mad, but I'm not mad now. I feel so sad, so sorry, and so very disappointed. Please don't think I'm disappointed IN her - I'm truly disappointed FOR her. All the opportunities of being young and free are gone, forever.

And the truth is, she doesn't even realise how much I've let her down. She thinks I'm great fun as a drunk. She doesn't think I need to stop drinking. I never felt so sorry in my life.

Fubarcdn

All you can do for your daughter is support her in her decisions about this. She was probably to ashamed to tell you in person.
All you can do for yourself is stay strong and stay sober.

Drunkliar

Thats a normal age and when she has the kid you are going to be the happiest person in the world. Dont be sad ,,, look at the positives,,, im saying that 2 me 2

masseyman

I can hear the love you have for your daughter in your words. Feelings of the past and what we could've or should've done different haunt alot of us I'm sure....they do me. Thank God you still have a relationship with your daughter....now when she really needs a shoulder to lean on....it will be her dad.

I have a daughter just a bit older than yours....now that I'm sober I can really be there when she needs me and it feels good...tryin not to look back too much, time to go forward and do what we can do for them in the now.

Peace

tellus

BPB...

I have no experience with this sort of thing, I can't imagine what your family is going through. But I do know two things: (1) it's not the end of the world, nor is it the end of your daughter's life; and (2) you're infinitely better-equipped to deal with this sort of situation now than when you were drinking.

Drunkliar

i seen a miracle that seemed absolutely impossible in my family. i wouldnt want to presume but hope

least

Bovine The others are right: it's not the end of your daughter's life and you're better off dealing with it sober than drinking. That said, I could also feel your love for your daughter in your words. Be there to support her whatever her decision in this and just let her know you love her... but you already know this.

SelfSeeking

I know you may not feel this right now, but... your love for your daughter shines through your post, and she is lucky you're her dad.

Iriss

[QUOTE=bovinePieBear;2122886]
All the opportunities of being young and free are gone, forever.


Not many women regret they had a child no matter how young they are, and for most, the arrival of a child will not hinder her life but enrich it, Some of my best opportunites in lifte arose after the birth of my children x I hope it works out

laurie6781

Actually, I believe this may be a 'blessing in disguise' for all of you.

For your daughter, she will find out how much help, grants, loans, etc are available for young mothers to continue their education.

For you ........................................... what an opportunity. Your grandchild will never have to know or see gramppa drunk. Now how kewl is that?

I know y'all will work this out.

I am also very proud of the way you handled this. Processing your immediate reaction BEFORE talking with her.

As to her telling you and wife via Facebook, well, that sounds rather typical. She's going through many emotions, disappointing you, how is she going to do this, what have I done, and on and on and on.

Sounds to me like you are already in 'support' mode and will be a great 'positive' influence through these nexts months.

You did good gramppa!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

bovinePieBear

Thanks to everyone for your support. So much of what each of you have said has been helpful, insightful, and often deeply touching. I have limited time to comment, and anyway it's hard to find the words... but thanks again all, it's truly heartening, and humbling, to read your messages of kindness, care and wisdom.
:ghug

yeahgr8

Best wishes for Saturday!

Drunkliar I don't agree that this is a normal age at all. By that logic she will be a grandma at 36 lol

Bovine I agree with you on her immediate future plans gone out the window, but with you in her life and sober, it will work out I am sure! Keep your chin up, it might be quite cool actually:-)

mamabin

I'm glad you had a chance to process your feelings before talking to her. The worst feeling I had from my parents was my mother saying "I'm so disappointed in you". I'm not saying you'd say that but she must be in a very emotional state right now and you have the chance to be a great support for her. As far as her seeing you as a fun drunk, that'll probably change. Having children changes the way we see the world.

Surlyredhead

Awww, you and all will be just fine. The blessing in all of this is that you are sober and able to be the bstt Dad you can be. She is lucky to have you and I bet you will be the best Grandpa ever!

Bamboozle

Hey, bPB. Not much to add here...everyone's already said it.

mle-sober

Congratulations! You will have so much fun with a new baby!

Your reaction to your daughter's news was so skillfully handled. I am sure I would have a similarly mixed emotion. But I'm not sure I would've been as good as you at protecting your daughter from the strength of your disappointment and anger. You did a really good thing by handling it the way you did.

And I'm so glad you're sober to love and support your daughter and to meet your new grandbaby. Just think: this child will never have to know a drunk grandpa. What a blessing.

bovinePieBear

Thanks again to everyone. I've slept on it now, and... well, I'm still worried as hell about it! And I'll be a grandpa at 39. And my wife, interestingly Drunkliar and Yeahgr8, will be a granny at 36. I don't think she's completely ecstatic about that...

But you know what I really am glad of after all? That I'm sober.

Last night I went through a lot of fights with myself. Thoughts were ringing in my head: I can't handle this - I have to get away - I can't deal with this - go get a bottle and drive ... Of course I'm familiar with these thoughts, and yes they upset me, and yet, their power was somehow a little hollow. They seemed just a little more distant, and it was as though I could watch them from outside, and see their selfishness, their flaws, their self-pity and lies. It was tough, but however hard they tried they simply couldn't get a grip of my mind and take control of me. In the end, I slept.

I suspect that there are going to be more battles ahead, perhaps many even tougher, but today is day 12, and I'm sober today. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that my daughter is well, and seems to be taking responsibility for her pregancy. I'm grateful that I have opportunities for work, and for the people who are helping me to find a better place financially. I'm grateful for everyone's wonderful support here on SR, and in AA. And I'm grateful for my four children and my wife, who I love with all my heart, body and soul.

So, it's time to begin a new chapter, and one I'm going to explore for once with a clear head. I can't know what the future's going to bring for my daughter, but I want to be there for her every step of the way.

PinkClouded

I just had a discussion with someone about this topic the other day. It involved Sarah Palin's daughter and her baby. It was all doom and gloom, and I thought maybe it shouldn't be. Obama's mother was young when she had him, and she raised the President of the Uniter States. She also had adventures. So maybe you need to leave this up to the wisdom of the Universe. Maybe this kid is supposed to be here.
And good for you for not drinking. It wouldn't change anything anyway. Just add to your fears and anxiety.
Don't mean to be a pain in the butt pollyanna, so I apoligise if I'm coming across that way. I was just thinging that in a way, you have to admire your daughter for dealing with this head-on. At her age, I doubt I would have been so brave and strong. What a cool kid.

californiapoppy

Your daughter is young, but I don't think there is anything in a woman's life that can compare to having a child. The best thing that ever happened to me was my daughter, and the second best thing that ever happened to me was when my daughter had her daughter ! With her father around to lend a supporting shoulder, to guide and help out, your daughter will be fine.
In a few months you will be very very proud of your grandchild, you'll see!!!
Staying sober will make it even better !