What would YOU do???

Old 02-24-2009, 06:39 AM
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What would YOU do???

AH has court tomorrow regarding not meeting the terms of probation for his DUI. The current offer on the table is four 3-day weekends in jail, but AH is confident that he can get out of it because he has attended 2 (wow) AA meetings and started community service and got phone records proving his phone was disconnected when they tried to call him for a random drug test.

I don't know how realistic it is that he can get out of it, but I guess anything can happen.

When I spoke to my "potential sponsor" last night, I told her of the situation and said I was concerned because if AH goes to jail for even 3 days, it could be putting his life in danger because of the alcohol withdrawal (he drinks more than a pint of vodka per day). She told me that I should try to talk to the public defender alone and suggest court-ordered rehab in lieu of jail.

I don't really understand how this goes along with the whole "detaching" concept, but she pointed out that it might save his life. However, what if I say something and he was going to get off scot-free, but then because of me he gets ordered to rehab instead? I just am not sure to what extent I should involve myself.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 02-24-2009, 06:44 AM
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If it were me I would stay out of it....completely. His problem his consequenses.

Trying to get him sent to rehab when he doesn't want it isn't going to help anything.

and if he goes to jail he will NOT be the first A that had to detox there.

I would let go and let God in this one


I told my AH that I wanted to know nothing about his DUI that it was his and for him to deal with.

Now what are you going to do for you today?
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Old 02-24-2009, 06:47 AM
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I would stay out of it and leave it in God's hands. Your AHs actions led him where he is. Let him bear the consequences. DO NOT try to rescue him PLEASE. If he goes to jail and needs medical help, he will get it.
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Old 02-24-2009, 06:49 AM
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If you are really concerned about saving his life, then you would want him to go to rehab rather than get off scot-free, right? Then again, saving his life is not your job. It's up to you to do what you feel is right. Rehab has no guarantees, especially if it is forced. It just seems a bit inconsistent to be concerned about withdrawal, but not want to 'jeopardize' his 'freedom.'

L
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Old 02-24-2009, 07:00 AM
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I read the title of your post, and my immediate response was:

I would go get a manicure and a pedicure, take a nice hot bubble bath and read something funny.

There was a time in my life when I would have been all entwined and entangled in my own A's mess and options and hearings and such. Today I know that the best thing I can do is get out of the way and let him experience his own consequences for his choices.

I don't know for sure, but I would imagine your A would not be the first person in that jail to go thru some alcohol withdrawl. If it got bad enough, they'd most likely call emergency medical personnel. My sponsor used to ask me this: what if THIS was the time he was going to hit his bottom and be ready to take his own action to get help, but YOU swooped in one more time to rescue him? I've read it here on SR, too.... you can actually love someone to death if you don't get out of the way.

Big hugs to you. I know it's hard... try to remember to keep the focus on you and what you can do for yourself today.
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Old 02-24-2009, 07:21 AM
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Okay...decided!!

I am not going to do a thing.

Thank you all who posted. I feel 100% better. I have my own work to do, not spend the whole day worrying about somebody else.

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Old 02-24-2009, 08:45 AM
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One more thing you can do for yourself today, let AH know that he will need to arrange for a cab or other transportation to court tomorrow. You will be unavailable.

Then do as Catspajamas said and schedule an appointment for yourself somewhere else for the day.

I told my AH if he got a DUI, don't call me. I also know that I would not make any efforts to rescue him from his consequences.
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Old 02-24-2009, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenna9802 View Post
Okay...decided!!

I am not going to do a thing.

Thank you all who posted. I feel 100% better. I have my own work to do, not spend the whole day worrying about somebody else.


:ghug :ghug
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Old 02-24-2009, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by CatsPajamas View Post
My sponsor used to ask me this: what if THIS was the time he was going to hit his bottom and be ready to take his own action to get help, but YOU swooped in one more time to rescue him?
I have to say, this sentence has stuck with me all day. I'm so guilty of doing just that. I have been his safety net over and over again, and before me it was his best friend, and before him it was his ex-wife, and before her it was his parents. For all the complaining he does about not "getting" anything from other people, he has been very privileged and fortunate his whole life.

It's up to the court, and then it's up to him!!
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Old 02-24-2009, 12:12 PM
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Way to go, Glenna!
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