Glenna9802

Haven't slept all night--it's almost 5am.

Anger is not an emotion I'm comfortable with, and not one I have experienced much of in my life. But tonight that's how I feel. Angry. At myself. Because I have spent so much time enabling and putting AH before myself, my friends, my family and especially my children.

I have to believe that these angry feelings represent some sort of growth because of the recent changes (Al-Anon and SR) in my life, but like I said I'm not comfortable with them. I thought all these changes I was making would bring me peace and serenity, not stir up the whole pot.

I hope the peace is on the other side of this somewhere. I hope this lady I asked agrees to be my sponsor and I can work hard with her and on my own to get to where I need to be. I went to bed and just laid there with my eyes wide open and felt so angry and like I had robbed myself and everyone I love.

Forgive me for rambling tonight. Hopefully sleep will come in the near future. Thanks for listening, as always.

bookwyrm

Anger is something I experienced when I became more aware of what was going on in my relationship with my AH. I am not normally an angry person - anger was always around me growing up and I was used to avoiding it like the plague! It is a natural and, as far as I can see, healthy response to what is happening to you. I used my anger to help me change, to motivate me and stop me being 'stuck' in a relationship that was destroying me. Nothing changes if nothing changes after all!

Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't turn that anger inward. You did the best you knew how at the time, but you've discovered so much and you're learning a new way of looking at things now. Hindsight is 20-20. Accept that you are only human, after all (!) and that you are making positive steps to change things now that you are aware of the problems and their solutions. You will slid back into old habits from time to time - how long did it take for them to form though? Progress is the goal, not perfect.

I think I've rambled on enough now. Take care of yourself and be kind to you!
:ghug3

JenT1968

I spent ages being in a RAGE about the situation I was in.
it felt like the only authentic emotion that I had.
then I went to Al-anon and what I "heard" (which is not necessarily the same as what they said LOL) was that they found peace after they stopped raging and accepted what was going on.

I wanted to move forward and stop hurting, so I tried to stop BEING angry (which is just more of the same stuffing of emotions) because I had no idea how to deal with anger effectively and how to use it positively.

which, for me, anyway, didn't help at all.

I have to go through the anger, and it takes as long as it takes.

Now I try to remember that I am going through a process, rather like the greiving process and that anger is a definate and HEALTHY part of that process:

Denial (tick)
Anger (tick)
bargaining (tick)
depression (tick)
acceptance (work in progress....)

acceptance is at the end... and people who are grieving are expeced to dance back and forward between these, not move along them in a smooth orderly regular progression.

I like this analogy, because I have experienced a profound loss, the loss of a family life with my husband, the loss of a particular future, the loss of a set of dreams. It also reminds me that what I am experiencing is a normal reaction to staying in an insane situation: that I am not irretrievably broken or damaged or fundamentally wrong somehow.

be gentle with yourself

Seren

Oh, Glenna, I've been experiencing a lot of anger lately, too. I think it's an absolutely valid feeling under the circumstances. Many of we women are taught that "nice girls" don't get angry, but that's just a myth. Many members of SR teach that anger can be a motivator to action. That is what I am trying to do now, focus my anger into action to improve my life and believe in my own self-care.

Hugs to you. I hope you get some sleep soon!

HG

dothi

Hey Glenna. Know those stereotypes that men get angry and women get depressed? Anger is just the flipside of depression. So if you've been very depressed in the past, that might give you a clue as to how much anger you've had buried away. Hang in there

Barbara52

For me finally letting myself feel the anger rather than wallowing in the baseless hope for change in xAH was a necessary beginning of thinking clearly about what my life was and beginning to figure out what I wanted to change to make my life better.

It is uncomfortable in many ways. But if you can use your anger as a spur to action, it can be a move toward a better life and the peace that comes with that better life.

LaTeeDa

I learned in therapy that avoidance of uncomfortable feelings was at the root of my problems. That the reasons I did all the things I did (denial, false hope, controlling behaviors, making peace, etc.) were all because I didn't want to feel the uncomfortable feelings. I didn't want to feel the anger, sadness, betrayal, disappointment, hurt, and loss. Changes do eventually bring peace and serenity, but only after you go through all the things you have been avoiding going through. That's why they say recovery is simple, but it's not easy.

L

Chrysalis123

I have recently learned that all addictions are a means to avoid pain....even codependency and being "addicted" to the A in my life. Now that I can look at my situation more clearly I too was using all these coping strategies (I learned from my dysfunctional family of origin) to avoid dealing with my feelings of betrayal, rejection, abandonment. It was easier to keep myself busy by obssessing about the A, controlling my world, people pleasing, pretending.

I have also learned that anger is covering up another emotion. Have you ever been scared to death by something but felt rage first? I'm learning that when I feel rage toward the A in my life it is covering up another emotion, and for me that usually has to do with my core issues and the feelings surrounding them, that I still want to avoid feeling.

blessed4x

I've had questions about the anger, too. I guess for so long I felt nothing......literally NOTHING. I was numb. I was talking to a friend a few months ago about a movie and she said she sobbed the whole way through. I thought to myself, I can't remember the last time I had a good cry. Since that time I've had lots of good cries, and been so angry I sat in my car and screamed, and laughed until I nearly peed my pants.

It's a very cleansing, having feelings again.

Glenna9802

Yes, AH actually said last night, "What happened to the submissive obedient wife I thought I was getting"? Because in the last few days I have called bulls**t whenever he starts his quacking. I know it's probably not right to engage him in that way, but it feels better than sitting there nodding my head and saying yes when he starts his tirades about how the justice system and everyone else has "wronged" him. He's full of it and knows it, and now he knows I know it too.

He's really big on saying we're a "team" when he wants something, failing to realize that it works both ways. I hope to work through this anger, but it feels good to stand up for myself. He blames Al-Anon for "brainwashing" me (lol).

blessed4x

Mine too. Either that or I'm having an affair.......now that's REALLY funny! I'm sure some women could pull off cheating with 4 kids and a full time job, but I would have a hard time squeezing it in between gymnastics, basketball, and the endless loads of laundry. The last time he mentioned it I asked him if he was feeling guilty and projecting it on me.....haven't heard another word about it, hmmmm.

Barbara52

Well in a sense it's true isn't it? In a positive way.

AlAnon helps "wash" away the unhealthy thoughts/feeling/beliefs/whatever in your "brain" so its true.

sillysquirrel

Sounds just like my AH. When he wants something, he can be nice as pie. But, I can't expect anything out of him if it's something I want or need. It gets old, doesn't it?