Brizzlegal

I finished with my XAGF a week ago. Since then she has twice promised to give up drinking for good, saying that she loves me more than any drink. Then she turned straight round and drank. This morning she had an appointment for an assessment. She didn't go because she said that she feels too ill at the mo. I have now told her that I want no contact with her unless she shows me that she is serious about not drinking. She asked me to take her over to my house. I refused and repeated that I won't have any contact unless she gets help and gives up drinking. Now I feel really mean. If I brought her over to mine at least she would stop drinking and then she may think rationally about getting help. She is a binge drinker, she falls off the wagon at different intervals, no rhyme or reason, sometimes she goes 6 months without a drink. I just can't cope with the anxiety of waiting for her to fall and I hate being around her when she drinks, she stinks of booze and she can't string a sentence together.
I guess I just can't stop feeling responsible. Maybe I'm just not getting it, or not thinking straight. I'm really feeling the pressure today. I'm not goood at emotional turmoil.
Thanks for listening.

jaguarpcb

Has being in your life/presence ever prevented her from drinking (long term) before?

I think you did good. She's going to drink whether you have her over or not. Her drinking has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. If she really wants to be serious about recovery she can do that on her own....in fact, she has to do that on her own, it it her decision alone.

I suggest you continue with no contact. If she's serious about recovery that will be evident in her actions.

**********************{Brizzlegal}}}}}}}}}}}

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

You didn't
Cause it
You can't
Control it
You can't
Cure it

The only choice you have is the last C. Don't Contribute to it. As long as you're there to soften the blow, minimize the consequences of her active alcoholism, she has no motivation to stop. If you truly love her, follow through and let her go.

Daisy30

I think you did great!

It is very hard to do what we know is right in our head....especially when our heart wants something else.

Her recovery MUST be her own and about her and in her time. The only thing we can do to help is to HELP ourselves. We have been affected too.

I found going to alanon helpful. I met other people who can support me and have /are going through similar situations. I highly recommend the book "marriage on the Rocks" and the "Getting them Sober" books. Both are easy reads

keep posting!

Barbara52

Sounds to me like you're doing great!

Is she another adult? Then you are not responsible. Period. You cannot make her drink. You cannot make her stop. She will do what she does regardless of what you do.

Sure you might be able to play daddy and force her into the role of child and control her drinking in yyour presense. Maybe stop her for a short period of time while you are right there. You gonna stop going to work or school or whatever so that you can make sure she doesn't violated daddy's rules about drinking?

You refer to her as an ex for a reason. Don't let yourself forget what those reasons are.