Callie

I've been going to post an update, but have struggled with how to word it and what I'm really asking.

My AH is 27 days into most likely a 60 day rehab. He had a very rough start, but has REALLY improved alot during the last few weeks. He's been very honest with me about most everything. His counselor told me that he's one of the worst he's seen come through the doors, but he seems to be taking a turn for the better and really working on his recovery. He's been gone for 27 days, and it's been pure he(( for me because I've had to deal with insurance, losing it, getting it reinstated, calls from the rehab about the insurance and that if I can't get it together he'll have to leave, drama with MIL etc. etc. etc. It's been just as chaotic with him here as with him not here.

The plan is that he'll complete his rehab and go live with his dad for a few months. His dad is a good influence and will for sure give him the structure he needs. He KNOWS it is not healthy for him at all to come back here and live with his mom right now as she is his biggest enabler.

The kids are doing awesome, things are starting to stabilize for me and I don't worry about AH as much as I did before. He seems to be clicking with this treatment center.

What I'm struggling with right now is divorce. In my heart of hearts I know that we need to D. We are NOT healthy together. Should he go back out and use again he'll be out of control and most likely dead. I KNOW that I need to D to protect myself financially should that happen. I KNOW that I need to D because of all the shame and embarassment that he's brought onto me. I've told the kids we're D, when I've been asked publically what I'm going to do, I say D, I've seen a lawyer, I have everything ready to go. My entire family and my friends are strongly pushing for me to take this next step. I KNOW I need to do that, not just for myself, but for him too. AH knows it's coming, but does not want it at all.

Everything that we've worked so hard for is gone for him without me. The only thing he'll have are a few rental properties (which will have to be sold), his car, clothes, tools and personal items. I KNOW that AH did this to himself, from the outside looking in he deserves this. I just found out that he pulled his entire 401k out over the summer (around $20k) and I never saw a dime. It went to drugs and debt. I was beside myself when I found this out. It was right around my birthday and I didn't even get a card because he had no $$. I also found out that he'd pawned my 2.5 carat wedding ring. He borrowed the money from his mom to get it back. I was devastated when I found this out. He told me all of this just this past week.

BUT I find myself seeing the old AH shining through. When he calls he's always kind, generous, apologetic, I love you, I'm so sorry etc. I KNOW that you're thinking "he's playing her again", but he IS very genuine when he says these things. He said he won't fight me if a D is what I really want, but doesn't want me to do it solely because of outside pressure (family, friends). I know that I can't give him another chance. I know that I can't put myself out there and risk ANOTHER relapse. This is his 4th rehab in 3 years...BUT he's never lasted longer than 8 days. For ONCE he really seems to be starting to "get it" and "get recovery."

I know that life inside of rehab is waaay different than the life outside. He's getting recovery pounded into his head daily there. Once he's out, it's back to the real world. I KNOW that it will take him years to rebuild himself financially (all of his credit cards were sent to collections), his credit is shot, he'll have to find a job etc. I DO NOT want to be a part of that process.

I KNOW that I need to let go, but there is also this nagging feeling that I've weathered this storm SO long, what if I miss out on the rainbow. I am just really struggling and I feel like I can't talk to family or friends about this because most are like WTH is wrong with her that she doesn't file? I knew you guys would understand the codie part in this better than they do. I just really need some input or words of wisdom on why my thinking can be so dam* jaded when it comes to MYSELF, but so clear when it comes to giving advice to others.

Hopefully this post makes sense, I'm just really struggling today. Thanks guys.

Freedom1990

Who says you can't reconcile later on after the divorce if he truly does get his crap together on a long-term basis?

Print that out and stick it up where you see it every day, several times a day.

:ghug :ghug

wuzzled

Callie

I can relate to so much of your post, it is very similar to my situation. I know what you mean about the storm, (mine has lasted 15 years) and what if this will be the rainbow we've been seeking? Remember rainbows are elusive, you never really do find the end. Only time will tell, and waiting sucks! I have no advice on what you should decide, I can't figure my own out. I just want you to know I feel all of your codieness, and it sucks too!

I think we can give others words of wisdom and it's easy, because we are not close to the people in their situation. We are however, very much involved with, and have deep feelings about the ones in our own life. It's home, and it hits home.

hello-kitty

First step in a D can be legal separation. It will protect whats left of your assets, ensure that you are not liable for any future bills and binges should he relapse, and also give you a headstart on establishing custody for the children. Its cheaper than divorce and easier to disolve should you decide to get back together. It makes sense if you aren't living together.

You can still love someone, hope for them to get better and take steps to ensure they don't destroy you and your children with psychotic unpredictable behavior should they choose to use drugs again. It's about admitting that you have no control over his choices, no guarantees taht rehab will "fix" him this time and protecting yourself. Why wouldn't you do it?

Callie

I've thought about that, but I've been living in limbo for a solid year now with him actively addicted. I know that I need to get out and take that next step. I think a legal seperation would go on forever with me. My family, friends are really pushing (rightfully so) for me to put closure on this chapter in my life and move on. They love AH, but know he's not healthy for me. It's like losing a member of the family for them. We've been together for 22 years. High school sweethearts started dating @ 17. We've been married for 14 years.

Physically I know that I need to let go, emotionally is alot tougher. It will take a lot of work on his part to recover from this. Physically, financially etc. I won't be by his side to pick up the pieces anymore. I've done it for too long.

MrsMagoo

Callie, honey, I have no words - just tears. Your post hits very close to home. I know its tough to post so "kudos" to you for being brave enough to put it out there.

:ghug3

barblsn

Do what you can live with. I gave my husband ONE MORE chance. So far so good. My friend divorced her husband when he went to prison for 15 years, still visits him, but takes no responsibility for him. My sister-in-law divorced my brother, and they are best friends; see each other every day but don't live together. When my brother is acting like a jerk, she steers clear.

Don't listen to other people's advice. Trust your heart; trust God.

AWEDA

Callie,
Oh honey I know how you feel.
When they are safe in a structured enviroment,they do
do very well.

It looks as though everything will be alright,
and I believe while they are in there,they want to be alright.

Some are just not "strong" enough in the ouside world.

I spent 15 years waiting for my rainbow,now I am finding it without AH.

You can still get divorced and see how things go.

Take care of you,alcoholics have the knack for saying what needs to be said
at just the right time. Remeber they are great actors,his mind is still very sick
it may take years to clear the fog.

God Bless you,you are stronger than you think.:praying

Sunflowers

Rainbows are beautiful ephemeral things. We long for the seemingly simple beauty of something that is so fragile and dependent on such specific criteria. I don't have an answer for you. Khalil Gibran once said " " So, you can't have your rainbow without first having your storms. You have to decide for yourself how many storms you are willing to suffer, and for your family to suffer before you get that one shot at a rainbow. Find time for yourself, and for your children. A lot of times the right decision isn't the easiest one. I hope that peace finds you no matter which path you may take. :ghug

ToughChoices

Hi, Callie.


I'm currently in the process of divorcing my alcoholic husband after several years of craziness. I know it's tough - especially when the A appears to be getting better.

In my situation it took a while for my heart to line up with my head. I KNEW what needed to happen long before I was willing to take the steps to make that happen. I legally separated from my husband while I took some time to decide my course. It was such a relief to remove myself from responsibility for his legal and financial issues!

That was a good step for me. I got a good dose of independence and a chance to see what my AH would DO (rather than just SAY) when it came to recovery. He did the same old, same old.

Now the time has come for divorce. I have no regrets. I have no illusions that life might be beautiful with him if I just hang on a little while longer. In my humble opinion, if you still have those feelings of hope and "what if?" they best be dealt with and processed. Otherwise, I'm afraid you'll find yourself remorseful and stuck in the relationship despite your legal status.

Many here have married, divorced, remarried, and divorced an addict.

Take your time, plot out your course, line up your head with your heart, but protect yourself in the process. Whatever he says, he is an addict very new to recovery. He can reek havoc on your finances and your emotions.

I'm thinking of you today.

-TC

Callie

I reread my initial post and I"m like WTH would you WANT to give him another chance. In reality, I don't want to want too if that makes sense. It sucks because he calls me every day and really seems to "get it". But when he comes out in the real world, he's got alot of BS to sort through. Financially, emotionally, physically etc. I don't want to be a part of that process. I want to hand it over to him to handle HIS business for once.

AH and I were talking about D last night. I'd said I need to do this. If you can get yourself right in a year or 2 or whatever, maybe we can talk then. But it's as if this marriage needs dismantled completely. If we can build it on a NEW foundation in the future, so be it. But I am sure as heck sure that our old foundation will always crumble. It is so unhealthy and so unstable. AH needs time to stand on his OWN two feet and be responsible for himself. The dysfunctional ties that bind us need to be broken. He said that for the first time he feels like he can do that and would do that for us.

He's got his bills all in collections, he has no job, no nothing. It will take him a LONG time to rebuild what he destroyed in the last year with his addiction. I feel it needs to be HIS road to walk. Not our road to walk.

We have a 20 year HS reunion this summer. We were HS sweethearts, voted cutest couple. I'm on the committee - I don't want to go. This may be something stupid or trivial, but I think about it.

I'd spoken with Ah's counselor yesterday and he said AH is for sure bullheaded. But he's really proud of the turn he's taken during the last few weeks. He said Ah has a long way to go, but he's getting there. He also told me how much AH talks about the kids and I. That is the main reason he's there, fighting for himself and all of us. guilt guilt guilt

I need to get my heart inline with my head. Thanks for reading guys and thanks for the pm's. I hate to sound whiney, but this really is hard for me. Very hard. It's gone on for so long, these chains are very hard to break free from.

Serenity Bound

Sounds to me like you are getting there. It takes time,especially when your heart is involved. Take your time, breathe, and pray.

Hugs,
Chris

MyJoey

Callie,

I just wanted to drop by and give my support. You sound like you are really getting it together, it must be hard. You have so much history with your husband, but it doesn't have to be the end, get your D and call it a new beginning. Let him rebuild his life while you get on with yours who knows what will happen down the road. You need to be happy with you and whatever you decide to do. Best wishes.

Callie

Well, maybe this is going to get easier. I've been working all day on trying to get our tax stuff together for an appt. with the accountant tomorrow. Apparantly AH withdrew his entire 401k and did not allow them to take the taxes out. His mom knew about it and had the paperwork hidden. When AH told me about it last week, I said I don't have your w2's or anything. He said mom knows where they are along with the 401k paperwork. What is wrong with people, I swear. The appt tomorrow will be a humiliating mess.

winnie12

I agree with Anvil you can file seperately even if married.

bognot1977

When I filed the taxes this year I told my accountant that I was going through a divorce. He asked me if we were separated 6 months plus. Basically...telling me that if that is so, I'd be able to file "married filing separate" --head of household, claim the kids and pretty much cancel out penalties.

If you really think about it, I figure we were separated for the past year. He was never around. So YES, Tax Man, sign me up.

This was great. It cleared me of mess King Sh!t Head caused by cashing out his investments. Hooray for me! I got a check in my name clear of him within 3 days of filing. Of course my attorney got it, but well spent none the less.

You might be surprised. I was scared crapless....but it all worked out great!

Love,
Maelynn



I'm not sure how i

Callie

Thank you,

I'll find out tomorrow. I'm a nervous wreck yet again. I figure with his 401k and the unemployment he's gotten and the ring that he pawned (that his mom paid for to get out of pawn) and the $ he's borrowed. He's spent probably close to $50-60K during the last 10 months ON DRUGS! I'm so furiously beside myself. Trying to keep my self calm because I'm getting worked up over MIL again because she KNEW THIS WHOLE TIME and protected him. That $ was 1/2 mine.

I sent an email to his counselor and told him of the sitch. He's wanting to kind of protect AH from the realities he'll be facing when he gets out. I said I'd abide by whatever he thinks, but I think it would be in his best interest to gently get this info to him so he can deal with it in the rehab environment. I don't want him completing a rehab and back to the real world and bam, taxes on top of everything else in this mess that he's created. My number one thing is recovery, but I want him to be prepared to handle what he'll have to handle when he gets out. Believe it or not, I feel sorry for him because he's not been in his right mind AT ALL during the last 10 months and he's going to be like a 18 year old starting out in the real world again. He doesn't even remember most of what he's done.

Freedom1990

How's your conscious contact with a higher power today, Callie?

Honestly, I still see a director's wand being waved around.

I had to face the real world head-on straight out of treatment, and as a single parent.

I had to deal with the mess I made of my life, and a lot of other people's too.

bognot1977

Your MIL is a meddling, enabling, home wrecker. She reminds me of my own.

hello-kitty

man Callie. That really really sucks about the 401K. I am surprised that even after all this, you still aren't sure you want to take steps to protect yourself financially. I'm not talking about divorce. I'm talking about protecting yourself and your children financially. What would you tell your best friend to do if she the shoe was on the other foot? What does leaving yourself open to further financial devastation accomplish? It reads like you are still putting more effort into fixing his problems so that he has an easier landing than you are into protecting yourself from future relapses.

Do you know what most addicts do? They relapse and they relapse and they relaspe and they relapse until no one tries to save them anymore. Until an addict feels the full weight of the devastation he has created, they don't truly recover.