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Old 02-23-2009, 10:45 AM
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Getting Over It
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back again

Its been a bit since Ive posted, but Ive been lurking, getting stronger.

AH has been dry for 2 yrs now. Still exhibits some of same behavior as his drinking time. Ive been on the fence, wanting to leave but not a hundred percent positive its the right thing to do. Ive recently read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and have clarity, just not strength.

Well, this wkend, our 16 yr old spent the night in the woods with friends and lied about it. Said he was at a friends, then , oh it was the woods close to that friends.. He was angry that I check up on him, that I dont trust him.... I read his texts and myspace paage and have found out that he has drank recently. Broke my heart.

Anyway, what else would 3 boys be camping out for, if there wasnt trouble going on? He says he lied cause I wouldnt have let him sleep in woods and they just wanted fun. Its boring here..

He then called me a nosey b!tch and said eff you...

This is normally good kid, that mouths off on occasion like a teen, but never did I expect this. I was in shock. He said later when I tried again to talk to him that he didnt mean it, that he was angry at me.

The thing is, his dad says things like that to me. He is doing what his dad taught him to do. That kills me..

Later, I tried hugging him and he jumped up and ran from me... Talk about a broken heart...

Ive taken his phone, computer priveledges, etc and he will be stuck in the house for a while. Anyone have suggestions?
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Old 02-23-2009, 10:50 AM
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Children learn from what they see, not what you tell them. If you take that kind of treatment from your husband, naturally your children will grow up thinking it's okay to treat you that way. And, when your son grows up and gets married, he will naturally treat his wife that way. It's all he knows. That's how the cycle is perpetuated.

I have no suggestions, other than change the example you are setting.

L
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Old 02-24-2009, 07:04 PM
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Hello there DaisyJen

You didn't mention if you were going to Al-anon, whether you have a sponsor, are involved with newcomers. Are you familiar with Al-ateen? They're a great program here in Vegas, part of Al-anon. Dunno if your boy would go, but you can go meet the parents who teenage boys and get a lot of experience, strength and hope from them.

Mike
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Old 02-25-2009, 04:23 AM
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Getting Over It
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No, I dont go to al anon and I dont believe theres a program 4 teens in my area. He wouldnt go anyway. I went to a meeting and was very uncomfortable. I know Im supposed to keep going but I get more help from reading, this site, counseling, prayer, etc. But, thank you...

Thing is, my RAH is extremely upset that our son disrespected me in that way. He doesnt see that he is only mimicking his fathers actions.
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Old 02-25-2009, 06:44 AM
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He's not just mimicking his father's actions, he's also mimicking his parent's roles. You cannot make his father change. The only person in this situation you can change is you. He sees one person behaving disrespectfully, and sees the other person accepting it. I speak from the experience of a child who grew up in that kind of a family. I grew up to accept disrespectful behavior. My brother grew up to be an abuser. Those are the examples my parents set for us.

L
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Old 02-25-2009, 07:35 AM
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mtr
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Dear daisyjen,

It broke my heart to read that your son, teen or not, disrespected you verbally. I too have a son who grew up in the household with an alcoholic father. Maybe it helped, being that I chose to stay in the relationship, that I openly communicated with him about his father's behavior as well as my faults. I told him he could choose to be just like his father or learn from his father mistakes and be a better man. So far he's chosen the later and I pray it sticks. He's 18 and away in college now; unfortunately he doesn't like his father very much because of what he's experienced in our household. I can understand why, but to some degree I think I did him (and myself) a disservice by staying in an unhealthy relationship. All the blame doesn't fall on my AH. However, I must live with my decision to raise a child in that atmosphere and the impact it had on his life forever. We all have our reasons for staying the course through the good, the bad, and the ugly. But I remain prayerful that my son WILL continue to choose the right path in his life.

I hope that you will take the opportunity to talk to your son about what you are seeing in his behavior. And I hope that he will hears what you are saying to him. In the end its still his choice.

I wish you peace and good health.
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Old 02-25-2009, 12:30 PM
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DaisyJen,
I hate to say it; but my son is play both rolls in my house. He is sometimes the disrespectful monster he sees in his step-father to me and then when he is with his girlfriend he lets her verbally abuse him! (that's the me role)

I have lived with lots of disappointment and heartache in my life; to the point I thought nothing could move me much anymore. BUT this goes beyond heartbreaking. I like MTR talked and was open, I was planning on leaving. I thought he was on the right path. I don't even know what happened. He turned 17 got a girlfriend and all bets where off. I'm looking into professional help now after failed Al-Ateen , punishments, talks, ect... He also acts like an addict using PC games too.

LateeDa, is so right; I allowed it all! The treatment, the abuse. I lowered the bar for my AH while my children watched. I thought I was doing damage control. What I was doing was irreparable damage. I wish...oh gosh if I get started with that...Maybe instead of wishing I did things different if I can get out of here now, I can give them some sort of future without this crap in it.
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