cessy68

ok ladies, and gents,

Be gentle here- this is a question. FOR ME.. ABOUT ME... this is me trying to do something for ME....

I want to know if I should write a letter / or have a discussion with the abf about my issues with his useing.

Every now and then (as you know) we will have a tiff, and I say something about his abuse of pills.... other than that, my copeing skills have been to 'ignore it'.

However, who am I fooling?? Myself?? Him?? It bothers me that he is high and useing, and that I ignore it. I ignore it- because 99% of the time it dosen't affect me.

our bills are paid, he is typically in a good mood- (sometimes hes down if hes comming off them) I know the difference..... those times I just let sleeping dogs lie (no punn intended!! )

But I feel the erosion of my love for him, I see him looseing weight, I see him sleeping more and more....

BUT HE STILL FUNCTIONS!!!! I can't say he is missing work, stealing, or getting arrested. I can't say that he isn't manageing this - so I don't think he will ever hit bottom on his own.

DO I SAY ANYTHING????? Do I tell him that I am worried for his health? Do I tell him that I see his memory giving out?? Do I tell him that I don't want him to get arrested..... someday------

I don't know what to do. I feel like is 'sit and wait' for him to do something REALLY OBVIOUS and bad, so that I can 'throw him out' or otherwise, I just live my life....

I feel like I am ignoring the truth!!!!!! I don't know what to do anymore.

I hope I don't sound redundant... I just don't know what to do.

Thanks....
miss exhasperated

(p.s.... yesterday, I promised my boys we'd go to breakfast in the a.m. the abf was complaining to me, "lets just stay in and eat". I KNEW it was because he didn't have his pills to 'perk him up'. Typically I would have said, "yea thats fine"- yesterday, I said, "I promised the boys to go out, we will go by ourselves, and you can stay here and relax." He acutally got up, and came with us w/out arguement. I was REALLY fine w/ him NOT comming---- when we got home, he went to his business for a bit, came home 'happy' again................ I just want to use this as an example to him, does he not think that I KNOW... that he went there and took a couple pills - and his WHOLE MOOD changed. DOES HE NOT SEE IT HIMSELF.... DOES HE THINK HES FOOLING ME BECAUSE I DON"T SAY ANYTHING????

Freedom1990

Cessy, he has zero motivation to change, zero. He has a place to stay, food in his belly, and it works for him.

It is possible to love someone to death, seriously.

Whether you say something to him or not, he is not going to change, period.

He can remain in his active addiction and live in your home. He knows that.

cessy68

Freedom,

I know what you are saying, and that is why I am asking the question. I don't think that my words would cause him to have some huge englightenment of sorts.....

I just wonder if me not saying anything - is makeing it worse for me..... because I wonder if he thinks I'm stupid.

I thought about why I don't just get rid of him. Outside of the obvious (love- and what used to be) I thought about how long I have been with him,, and how long I have put up w/ the destuction of our relationship because of his new found addiction.

I thought to myself, well- he manages his business, and life pretty well.... if I don't twist myself up about it - and say nothing- than I can get something out of this - till I know what to do.

I don't mean to sound selfish- or reliant- BUT- he does contribute currently to our home. I took a huge paycut when I decided to switch positions at work to go back to school. I sometimes adopt a mentality of thinking- oh well, let him do his thing- let him help you pay for the house, food, bills, etc.....

Just keep on ignoring what you know to be the truth.

See freedom, some people deal with a person laying there - not working. Or not paying bills. Or who dosen't have a car, or comes home stumbleing drunk.

There is nothing obvious about his problem. SO I have been chooseing to 'ignore' it.

I'm so frieken torn and confused. because I KNOW THE TRUTH.

Abundance

Cessy....

You are obsessing over his addiction. So ... that is the downfall for you. If it acceptable for him to lie to you... because you really know the truth. That is what YOU have to deal with.

Bottom line- addicts lie. And that is the hardest part for me when it comes to addiction.... it creates some "crazy making" - that is ridiculous.

Addiction is a progressive disease - it's not going to just get better on it's own. If you want to have that kind of conversation with him about the progression - then definitely.

But accusing him and "catching him" - I can promise you will only add fuel to the fire.

My role in my guy's addiction progressed as well.

I did a lot of talking to him - which then meant I just heard more "quacking" - basically more lies. With times here and there that he was going to stop. He was in denial that he had a problem and he thought that he would just be able to quit. Or that he "needed it" to be able to work.

Eventually- it went from bad to worse and I hit my bottom. He had to really suffer consequences in regards to his addiction for him to realize that there was a problem.

I had to suffer consequences with my codependency as I let so many things go in my own world - as I was so wrapped up in what would help him - what he was doing - what was truth and what was lies .... it was a total roller coaster.

Cessy - think about yourself and what is tolerable for you. Because you can not control, change, or cure him. You really can't. You don't have that power - but you do have the power of those 3 C's for yourself!

Have you been to any al-anon meetings?

Freedom1990

There came a time when I had to ask just what an EXBF/rooommate of 2 years was contributing to the household. Yes, we split the bills 50/50. However he was emotionally abusive, and a chronic pot smoker.

The price tag for that financial support eventually became too high emotionally for me and I kicked him to the curb after he called my then 8 year old daughter a b*tch.

2 months later I was pink-slipped from the best paying job I ever had.

Was it tough financially? You bet. I got through it.

Addiction is a progressive disease. You are seeing it physically with him now, as well as other areas.

How good will you feel about that extra financial support from him if you come home one day and he's dead of an overdose? It could happen.

cessy68

FREEDOM -It is possible to love someone to death, seriously.

(i know, i'm affraid of wakeing up to him dead next to me because his heart gave out)

ANVIL -but he lives for those pills, his whole world is centered around and devoted to getting high. he's not PRESENT in the moment. ya can't be when you're doped up.

(I know- and that is what kills me inside. Do I tell him that - or do I just tell him 'get out?')

ABUNDANCE -But accusing him and "catching him" - I can promise you will only add fuel to the fire.

(I hope you don't misunderstand me- I don't want to accuse or catch him. Don't need to. I know. And he knows I know. I am just ignoring it- and he knows that too. I want him to know- that I don't want to ignore it- I want him to know how worried I am- and I don't know what if any should be concequences to me not wanting to 'worry' about him....I know I can't ask/make him quit. )

FREEDOM - Was it tough financially? You bet. I got through it.

(I'm not afraid of being broke- have made alot of money- have lost alot of money. I think that right now- I'm useing that is a way to not do anything- #1. Also I think I feel like he took so much from me for so long- I might as well do nothing a little longer - and get a cushion under me- I do deserve that much #2.)

Thank you for the replies, and the continued support advice. I hope to give a good news post soooon.
Love,
Cessy

hello-kitty

Cessy, haven't you talked to him about your issues with him using before? A few times at least? And what was the result? Did he stop using?

Keep doing what you have always done and you will continue to get what you have always got. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

You are putting yourself under so much stress because of his addiction. How much longer are you willing to go on like this?

cessy68

Hello Kitty, I am going to put myself under this stress- until I can come to terms with how I want to handle this/ and how I want to cope with this. That is why I am here.
I have NOT talked to him about the fact that I KNOW he is useing- since his recent relapse.

justtired

Hi Cessy - From the posts of yours that I've read, we seem to be in similar situations. Unfortunately, I ignore a lot and keep quiet too. My abf is totally functional. He wasn't a few months ago and our business suffered greatly because of it. He now claims that he wasn't in control because he didn't try to be. He says that now that he's trying, he's totally fine and there are no more issues. I have questioned too if maybe he wouldn't hit his bottom because he seems so in control (now). I am almost grateful for the fact that he WAS out of control for a while because it makes me remember that it CAN happen. Just this past weekend I wrote my abf a letter and told him EXACTLY what I thought and how I felt. We didn't really talk much about it yet, but it feels SO GOOD that it's out there. He knows I'm not stupid and falling for the "I have it all under control" BS. I'm tired of acting like nothing is wrong. He may function just fine, but I still don't get 100% of him. And I want that. I realized this even more this past weekend. abf ran low on meds (he's not to the point of using pills other than those prescribed or from his mom) and he seemed a lot more himself. I had (almost) his full attention... other than some lingering withdrawal sickness issues. I never really understood what his psychiatrist meant by addiction "occupying his brain", but I could see the old him this weekend. He was actually "in the same room with me". I think it takes situations like these to see just how much the functioning addict still affects our lives. It's easy to think that you can just live like that and that it doesn't really affect you. But do you get 100% of him? For me, writing the letter was the best thing I've done. I don't expect it to change him because he is in denial and a simple letter will not change that. If nothing else, it has paved the way for me to take the next step. I feel so relieved and feel lighter than I have in months.

cessy68

JT,

It's funny- that you get his 100% when he isn't on the pills?? Hmmmm. Mine is distant, mopey and tierd and unattentive without his 'happy pills'. Once he has them- I wish that is how he was NATURALLY- he actually acts like the old guy I met before addiction- he is loving, attentive, helpful, fun...... the list goes on and on. THE PROBLEM I have- is that I know its the pills talking....

It makes it hurt so bad, when he is comming off of them- because its a HUGE differnce. He is withdrawn and tired.

It hurts alot.
Glad to know I'm not alone in this cycle of b.s....
Love,
Cess

cessy68

URGGGGHHHHHH ANVIL!!!!!!

Then what the heck else am I supposed to do??? If it is going to keep raining - and the rain isn't really hurting me, it's just uncomfortable..... what do I do?? Go get a raincoat, and say- hey, i know it rains alot here- I will just let it rain, if the sun shines great, if not, it's ok as well??" OR

Do I say- oh my god, I hate rain, I'm going to have to rearrage my whole life- because it's raining- I'm going to move somewhere that I might not like even more than this rainy enviorment- becuase I'm uncomfortable??????

Please help me. Christ I have a current 3.8 GPA @ school- I'm reaaaallllly not a dumb girl....

outtolunch

By telling or writing him of your concern, you expect him to ???

His tolerance builds, daily. He needs more and more to feel remotely normal, like he did, back when.

So many who use heroin started with prescription meds. Heroin is cheaper and in many places, easier to come by than pills. He can snort or smoke it and you will be the last to know.

He could be arrested later today for possession of whatever and in an instant it all goes poof. His name/address will be in the paper. Your friends will know. Your neighbors will know. Your kids will know and so will their friends and families.

Absolutely nothing good can come out of addiction. It's only a matter of time.

You are not the first nor the last woman who remains in a relationship of mutual convenience. Many do so, despite being the "other woman" in the primary relationship.

No need to make this " complicated". Either accept ( not the same thing as approve) his addiction or change the things you can and that's life without him and his baggage.

Callie

You know Cessy, everything outtolunch said DID happen with my AH. My AH abused drugs for about 20 years off and on. He became dependant on them about 9 years ago. All the while he was FULLY functional. I unknowingly lived with addiction for about 9 years. Have you read my story? Addiction is PROGRESSIVE. It WILL get worse if he continues to use. I lived in that same "stuck" that you are in for YEARS.

What I tried to so fiercly protect and keep together finally blew up in my face. In the end addiction became BIGGER than I could contain.

winnie12

you have one of two choices - you accept his addiction and who he is and deal with it without expecting changes or you make changes in your life to get away from it. there's no middle ground. you cannot change who he is but you can decide whether or not you choose to live like that - neither way is the right way or the wrong way its just whatever you choose. right now you're in limbo - not leaving but expecting him to change and that will never work.

cessy68

ok.... outtolunch. How does one ACCEPT addiction. I understand there is a difference between accept/approve... thankyou for pointing that out to me.

BUT accepting his addiciton means what...............? That I'm just sitting in a relationship waiting for the other shoe to drop?

And why when I get down to the nuts and bolts of these disscussions do I feel my thought circleing around things such as ...... ("oh i shouldn't of started this thread- it's not THAT bad....") I'm really going out on a limb here- with my HONESTY with my feelings- so please, please, don't yell at me about admitting that. I'm trying to understand my thoughts, so I can get better.

justtired

It all depends on how long he doesn't have them. If he doesn't have them for a few days I get the sick, down guy. If he goes through the withdrawal and KNOWS he's going to get more pills soon, then I see the real him. There was a time when his doctor dropped him and he didn't have any meds for a month and a half. Life went back to normal to an extent, but he was so depressed. Because he didn't know if he'd get them back or when. Its all so complicated and took me a while to figure out the whole cycle. When he's ON the pills, during the day he is somewhat "normal" but I don't see him much during the day as I work full time. At night he loads up and gets annoyingly "fun and happy". And, some of it's an act. He knows that if he looks depressed that that is a sign of abuse. He's very smart and very manipulative.

About the rain comment from Anvil's reply, is it okay to live with the rain all the time? If you had a choice to live in a town that is rainy and gloomy all the time, or move the next town over where it's all nice and sunny, where would you want to live? It's not about what you CAN deal with. It's about what is OK for you to deal with. What can you be HAPPY with? Doesn't seem like you're happy right now. What's gonna change that's gonna make it okay? Living with the bad just to get to the good. Can you live like that? Yes, but do you WANT to???

Hearing you go through this and thinking about it from another prospective is helping me too. Thanks for posting.

Freedom1990

Accepting his addiction is accepting this is as good as it's ever going to get with him.

Again, addiction is a progressive disease.

It will be all downhill eventually. It's already heading that way as you were talking about his weight loss, sleeping more, what he's like when he doesn't have his pills.

This is your life, Cessy.

You are living with an addict who is slowly committing suicide.

cessy68

ok.... i'm getting the jist of it, as I sit in tears at work typing instead of working- becuase I feel like if I don't cry I will have a panic attack- I feel like I have no where to turn, Like I don't know what to do.

I feel trapped inside my own emotions- and what I want - what I know I won't have with him..... and yet not wanting to move on/forward.... wishing I could settle for the sloppy seconds and not be bothered by it.....

I think of the tiffanys bracelet he ordered for me the other day-
I think of him feeding the dogs last night and playing with them-
I think of him getting the camera out and takeing pics of me makeing a big italian dinner last night..............

It always goes back to that...

I always forget, the nights I hurt, becuase he choose the bar and friends partying over comming home on a random tue. evening..... showing up at 2 a.m.

I forget the hurt I felt yesterday a.m. when he was grumpy and didn't want to go to breakfast with me and the kids......................

I forget the way he lyes there snoreing.... and I wonder if he's going to be o.k... or if this will be the night he dyes, cause sooner or later, your body is going to say "hey you had too many pills to wake up MR."

Back / forth.... back and forth......

I'm so screwed.

Freedom1990

You know what you need to do. You just refuse to do it. Unfortunately by avoiding the pain of doing what we need to do, we still end up in a hell of a lot of pain, don't we? :ghug

justtired

Cessy, just take a nice deep breath. You are going to be okay! It's really stressful trying to figure this stuff out. I TOTALLY know and am right there with you (seriously). I do the exact same thing with thinking of all the good stuff. And then re-remembering the bad stuff. And going back and forth. But you aren't screwed. The choice is yours. You DO have the power to change things. I try to think, if I knew someone else in my exact position, what would I tell THEM to do? It's easier to think logically when you're thinking of someone else. Works a little for me anyway.