what i really feel
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
what i really feel
what i really feel is going on with AH this time may be reality or may be mysick codependant mind working overtime- I just feel like he doesn't have any love for me anymore and he just wants away from me. True enough his disappearing is when I am at work- so why do I think it is because he doesn't want to be around me- Im not even here! And why do I care- probably the more important question here.
I sent him a txt at work- told him to take a break and call me- that we needed to talk and that i wasn't just mad and wanting to yell- still no call.i don't know if he just doesn't give a crap-(or maybe he doesn't even have his phone)- Why am I worrying to the point that i can't eat- why have I been sick at my stomach and lost 6 pounds since wed. I am seeing a therapist- doing the things I can - still i feel this bad. I can't seem to get past this and try to do things for me. Sorry I know Im having a crazy vent session here.
I sent him a txt at work- told him to take a break and call me- that we needed to talk and that i wasn't just mad and wanting to yell- still no call.i don't know if he just doesn't give a crap-(or maybe he doesn't even have his phone)- Why am I worrying to the point that i can't eat- why have I been sick at my stomach and lost 6 pounds since wed. I am seeing a therapist- doing the things I can - still i feel this bad. I can't seem to get past this and try to do things for me. Sorry I know Im having a crazy vent session here.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Sweetie, the ISM of Alcoholism is
I
Self
Me.
An alcoholic is really incapable of loving anything but the bottle. They certainly do NOT love themselves, I know I am one (sober many years now, but I remember). When a person does not love themselves they cannot love others.
You are staying in a marriage with a very ABUSIVE man. Now is the time for you to work with a counselor, therapist, or AlAnon to figure out why?
There is NOTHING you can do to FIX HIM. There is NOTHING you can do to CHANGE HIM.
There is a passage in the Bible that says Woman is to Follow Man. However, for years, I didn't read the rest of the instructions, the rest of the passage says and Man is To Follow God. Here, I had been picking all these fun loving, hard living fellows and not a one Followed God.
I did not then and do not now believe that HP expects any of us to keep our vows and stay with an abusive partner, whether that abuse is verbal, physical and/or emotional.
I believe, J M H O here, that what is holding you there is FEAR. FEAR of the unknown. As miserable as you are, it is FAMILIAR. Hp made us a lot stronger than many of us have felt we were when in the depths of our despair. Yes your circumstances would change. Yes you might find yourself in a small 1 bedroom apartment or studio, FOR A WHILE.
However, you will be amazed at what happens as peace and serenity settle around one's self. We start to grow, we change, we become stronger and stronger, we start to do things we never believed we could do. I went back to school, changed professions and did pretty darn good. Others on here, will tell you have they got through the worst and come out better on the other side, two that immediately come to mind are La Te Da, and Barbara 52.
You have been coming around now for 4 1/2 years and all I see, is you hurting worse each time you're here.
Don't get me wrong, we are here for you. We'll continue to try and 'boost you up', BUT you are the one who has to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Now is the time for you to take your eyes off of 'him', cause 'him' ain't going to change, he has made that quite clear, and put them back on YOU.
Now, what are YOU going to do about YOU to make YOUR life better? Knowing you are codependent is a start, however, NOW is the time for you to take ACTION to start changing your codependent ways.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so much.
Love and hugs,
I
Self
Me.
An alcoholic is really incapable of loving anything but the bottle. They certainly do NOT love themselves, I know I am one (sober many years now, but I remember). When a person does not love themselves they cannot love others.
You are staying in a marriage with a very ABUSIVE man. Now is the time for you to work with a counselor, therapist, or AlAnon to figure out why?
There is NOTHING you can do to FIX HIM. There is NOTHING you can do to CHANGE HIM.
There is a passage in the Bible that says Woman is to Follow Man. However, for years, I didn't read the rest of the instructions, the rest of the passage says and Man is To Follow God. Here, I had been picking all these fun loving, hard living fellows and not a one Followed God.
I did not then and do not now believe that HP expects any of us to keep our vows and stay with an abusive partner, whether that abuse is verbal, physical and/or emotional.
I believe, J M H O here, that what is holding you there is FEAR. FEAR of the unknown. As miserable as you are, it is FAMILIAR. Hp made us a lot stronger than many of us have felt we were when in the depths of our despair. Yes your circumstances would change. Yes you might find yourself in a small 1 bedroom apartment or studio, FOR A WHILE.
However, you will be amazed at what happens as peace and serenity settle around one's self. We start to grow, we change, we become stronger and stronger, we start to do things we never believed we could do. I went back to school, changed professions and did pretty darn good. Others on here, will tell you have they got through the worst and come out better on the other side, two that immediately come to mind are La Te Da, and Barbara 52.
You have been coming around now for 4 1/2 years and all I see, is you hurting worse each time you're here.
Don't get me wrong, we are here for you. We'll continue to try and 'boost you up', BUT you are the one who has to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Now is the time for you to take your eyes off of 'him', cause 'him' ain't going to change, he has made that quite clear, and put them back on YOU.
Now, what are YOU going to do about YOU to make YOUR life better? Knowing you are codependent is a start, however, NOW is the time for you to take ACTION to start changing your codependent ways.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
thanks- you guys are right- and I have started sessions with a psychiatrist last week.i am going o try to start doing some things for me. I am planning a "birthday trip" to the ocean for my daughter's third birthday- just me and her.So I am trying (at least a little). I know my fear holds me here- I just haven't found a way to beat it yet.My love for him just makes me sad,and frankly I am tired of being sad.
I don't know if I have the strength to make him leave, but i know at very least some boundaries must be put in place- and stood by. I know I shouldn't care if he leaves for days at a time (at least he's not messing up my day with whatever it is he's doing) but I still have that "marriage is not supposed to be like this" attitude.
I know I need work- you guys are very uplifting. And I really do think through the years reading and posting here has been a blessing to me-- so thanks!
I don't know if I have the strength to make him leave, but i know at very least some boundaries must be put in place- and stood by. I know I shouldn't care if he leaves for days at a time (at least he's not messing up my day with whatever it is he's doing) but I still have that "marriage is not supposed to be like this" attitude.
I know I need work- you guys are very uplifting. And I really do think through the years reading and posting here has been a blessing to me-- so thanks!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
My love for him just makes me sad,and frankly I am tired of being sad.
Then compare that to the "HIM" of today.
You might be surprised at what you think you love. It can be a very MIND OPENING experience.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I know I shouldn't care if he leaves for days at a time (at least he's not messing up my day with whatever it is he's doing) but I still have that "marriage is not supposed to be like this" attitude.
Ellima, is there someone in your life who is telling you that you shouldn't care that your husband ignores your needs, drinks himself stupid, takes off for days, and god knows what else.......and you're not supposed to care?
Tell me this: if you were approached by a sister, a daughter, someone you loved more than life itself, and they came to you telling you this (that they shouldn't care, that it's okay for their marriage to be like this)......what would you think? What would you do?
Marriage is NOT supposed to be like this. You ARE supposed to care. The fact that you're living this nightmare is so, so sad to me
I'm glad you're talking to a therapist, because you are as addicted to him as he is to his booze. I hope you'll consider Al-Anon, CODA, or other support groups that might help you see what you're doing to yourself, and more important, how you can take baby steps to get strong and joyful again. I was once right in your very shoes, exactly in the same spot, and never thought I could hope for anything better. I was wrong then, and you're wrong too: there's a big, big life out here waiting for you.
Hugs,
GL
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