SJLady

We got into an argument tonight. We were out eating dinner and he mentioned that he doesn't like having to eat humble pie twice a day (this after he relapsed Thursday evening). I kind of laughed at the irony of it. He wanted to know why I laughed so I told him. He doesn't like eating humble pie? Well tough--he should have thought about that before he took that drink.

He thinks I'm rubbing his nose in it. No, I said, I'm just telling it like it is. He went to an AA meeting Thursday night, took a bottle of booze with him and had every intention of drinking it as soon as he got out of that meeting. I asked him if he asked any of the people at the meeting for help. No. Did he call his sponsor like he was supposed to. No. I told him that if he doesn't like facing the consequences of his choices then he should think about that before he takes that drink. So don't get mad at me cause I didn't do anything wrong.

I reminded him that alcoholism is his problem, but since I have to live here and deal with it, he's making it my problem as well, so I have every right to be angry and disappointed. I didn't reconcile with him to take this sh**.

I guess I'm just supposed to sit back and keep my mouth shut or something. If I say something he gets mad. If I don't say something...well I see how that worked out!

Barbara52

How's this marriage working out for you? Is this what you want going forward?

SJLady

I really have mixed feelings regarding the marriage. He really has been a terrific husband, companion and friend. We are so compatible and enjoy each other's company. In fact, we agree on most things and hardly ever have arguments. This is really the only area which causes contention. I left him once already for 3.5 months because of it. Before I came back he promised he would continue doing what he had been doing to stay sober, but after I returned he started doing those things less and less. And I worry that he's too used to me being here, if you know what I mean. He's not overly dependent upon me but I told him we spend too much time together and it would do us good to find other friends. When I left him he went on a binge and tried to OD on antidepressants.

So I want to honor my commitment to this marriage, but by the same token I will not tolerate an obviously unacceptable situation. I was married once before and had been in that relationship for 20 years, so it's not like I don't know what I'm doing. But I wish sometimes I would have listened to my gut instincts.

CAPTAINZING2000

Doesn't sound like, he's committed to his sobriety from what you've written.

Does he have a sponsor? Do you got to Al Anon? Do you have a sponsor?

have you suggested open AA meetings with him???

Freedom1990

Are you angry at him, or angry at yourself for being back in the same old same old, honestly?

Yes, alcoholism is his problem.

You also stated you left him for 3.5 months once before because of the drinking.

So look at your statement again and ask yourself do you have to live with it, or did you choose to live with it again? Is he making it your problem, or did you make the choice to potentially have that problem in your life again by reconciling?

Just some food for thought.

LaTeeDa

I used to think I could shame my husband into sobriety. It didn't work for me. I don't know, maybe it will work for you, but I doubt it. I had to stop obsessing on his behavior and take a good long look at my own before I could begin to get my life on track.

L

SJLady

Great questions, everyone.

He had been sober for about 5 years before we married. I knew going into it that there was always the potential for relapse. His alcoholism was a major factor in the demise of his first marriage and he was single for many years before he decided he was ready to get married again.

When I left him it was more so because of all the lies he told me surrounding his drinking. I was more offended by that than the drinking itself. I didn't want to just walk out at the first sign of trouble, so I believed I owed it to our marriage to give him a second chance. So when you get right down to it, no I didn't have to live with it, I chose to come back. When I left him I had a place to stay and got a job. Now I came back to a place where the economy is in the toilet and I'm having a hard time finding a job. I don't know how long it will be before I get a job (I'm a nurse), and right now I hate the feeling of insecurity. If he loses his job because of this I don't know what I will do. I do not want to go back home.

I'm not really angry with myself. I am a little angry with him but actually I'm more disappointed than anything else. He does have a sponsor and right now he has been going to 1-2 meetings a day, but I don't know if that will last or for how long. I have not attended any Al-Anon meetings but his sponsor suggested I check into that. I have been to an open meeting with him once, but my feelings are that it's his problem, not mine. No matter how I feel about him I know I cannot make him stay sober; that has to be his choice.

I think once I do get a job I will feel more secure about my own situation. I do have some savings and can use that if I have to, but here in CA it won't last long with the high price of rent. I also know that this is a situation I don't want to always have to deal with time and time again. I'm far too old to be on a constant roller coaster ride. I have operated by a 3 strikes you're out rule and it has worked well for me. He already has 1 huge strike against him. I will have no qualms about walking away when I've had enough, and that will come sooner than he thinks if he doesn't walk the straight and narrow.

Freedom1990

The fact that he took a bottle of booze with him to hit after he attended the AA meeting Thursday tells me he's not nearly as interested in salvaging this marriage as you are.

He's certainly not interested in getting serious about recovery at this time.

CAPTAINZING2000

I'm wondering after 5 years what triggered him to start drinking again? Was he just a dry drunk or, working a program???

Rereading what, you wrote, he's not sounding like he's working his program or, should I say working the AA program.


You can help him stay sober but, you can't enable him to stay sober.

Does he want this marriage to work or, just to have you there for financial support?

Freedom1990

Those kinds of questions are a moot point.

The reality is he is drinking again, end of story.

CAPTAINZING2000

You're right, I was wondering if, there was a change is all.

If, trust is an issue.

goodlukchrm

I too, am a nurse, SL. I think sometimes we are our worst enemy. We think we can help. It's in our nature. It's hard to come to the realization that we can't help if they don't want it.

My abf gets mad at me and says I say mean things to him. I'm like you, I just tell it like it is. Straight facts. It's not like I'm calling him out of his name or anything. Don't fall for the guilt trip.

SJLady

He admits that he was a dry drunk. He used to attend AA but quit saying it wasn't doing him any good to be immersed in the stories of the other alcoholics. This is actually the first time he's really worked the steps.

I think the stress of moving, being away from me while I stayed behind to sell our house, starting a new job was what started him drinking again. He also said he was lonely and bored. Then he started drinking again when his dad died last May (after I expressed my concerns that this would happen).

Trust is a big issue. I get nervous when I see him making frequent trips to the bathroom (this is what he did before). I'm hyper-vigilant to see any signs that he's drinking again. I can't watch him like a hawk, cause lets face it, I'm not his baby sitter, and he's supposed to be responsible enough to make the right decisions. I can't do that for him.

SJLady

Ha ha, I used to think that I could fix people when I was a new nurse. I "grew up" very quickly though, and realized there's only so much I can do. Nursing school never really prepared me for the real world, but I learned the hard way. Now if a patient refuses to do something (tests, taking their meds), hey, it's no sweat off my nose if they refuse. I just tell the doc and let him handle it.

SJLady

Good point. I'll keep that in mind.

CAPTAINZING2000

He has to want to be sober for himself.

It is an adjustment moving but, that's what AA is for. The first thing I'd do after making a move is to find the AA meetings. A loss of a father, mother or, any family member will happen sober to all of us. Drinking wasn't the answer for his grief.