new here..and needing support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome Moon,
That is a hard one. My son and my husband have a horrible relationship...I got in the middle more times than I can count and it was what ultimately sent me to Al-anon. I have come to terms with the fact that they have a right to whatever relationship they choose to have...but that does not answer your question. I also agonized over what I saw as a choice.
As you can see I have lived this and I still don't have answers...Alateen could help him learn about and understand alcoholism. My personal inclination is to do what I can to not have him be subjected to your husbands abuse. Be honest with your son, see what he says...if you are getting a divorce it is temporary. He is fortunate not be living with you right now. I hope he has some stabilty on the other end.
Many hugs,
JT
That is a hard one. My son and my husband have a horrible relationship...I got in the middle more times than I can count and it was what ultimately sent me to Al-anon. I have come to terms with the fact that they have a right to whatever relationship they choose to have...but that does not answer your question. I also agonized over what I saw as a choice.
As you can see I have lived this and I still don't have answers...Alateen could help him learn about and understand alcoholism. My personal inclination is to do what I can to not have him be subjected to your husbands abuse. Be honest with your son, see what he says...if you are getting a divorce it is temporary. He is fortunate not be living with you right now. I hope he has some stabilty on the other end.
Many hugs,
JT
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Linda
Welcome to the forums. Sounds like you are in a tight situation. I don't know what your financial situation is but perhaps you and your son could go away for the weekend. Where you can talk and be alone and you can explain this disease to him. Also perhaps find an alateen meeting for him to attend. Those are the only things I can think of. If its your house also, I would say you have every right to have your son come to visit you but I am sure you don't want to put him in the middle.
Take a read at the power posts and since you have already been to an al-anon meeting, you can see how beneficial they are.
Keep coming back here, you will find a lot of love and support here. The people are great!!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Welcome to the forums. Sounds like you are in a tight situation. I don't know what your financial situation is but perhaps you and your son could go away for the weekend. Where you can talk and be alone and you can explain this disease to him. Also perhaps find an alateen meeting for him to attend. Those are the only things I can think of. If its your house also, I would say you have every right to have your son come to visit you but I am sure you don't want to put him in the middle.
Take a read at the power posts and since you have already been to an al-anon meeting, you can see how beneficial they are.
Keep coming back here, you will find a lot of love and support here. The people are great!!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Many hugs,
Debbie
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Hinsdale, Illinois
Posts: 19
one of the things I learned
One of the things I learned was that I needed to attend al-anon meetings for the kind of support I needed, and not turn to my 16 year old son for that kind of support. I don't know if it's applicable to you and your situation, but I know that for myself I have often turned to this 6-foot "kid" and relied on him to understand my/our situation, and to listen when I needed someone to talk to. Naturally, I was more comfortable with him than "strangers" -- but al-anon friends are the adults I found that I needed make the effort to talk to for my own healing and clearer thinking. Through years of being sick/codep, I learned to isolate myself from others, and depend on myself (the old do-it-yourself/I can handle it syndrome).
So this was a revelation to me -- that I was not being strong enough to reach out to al-anon members who really are there for me; instead I originally thought it was ok to reach out to my son, whom I loved and he loved me, right? We know and understand each other is what I thought at first. While parts of that may be very true, the reality was that I needed to come to terms with the part of my sickness that gave me trouble with boundaries. This was one boundary I was quite surprised to discover -- that I shouldn't rely upon him in that emotional way, but turn to other more appropriate sources for support. Of course, there are many more ways I can turn to my son and communicate with him -- I'm learning of all the wonderful possibilities I hadn't thought of before -- so I'm not saying I should never speak to him about our problems. On the contrary, I just needed to learn where I was being dependent on him emotionally, and where and when that was unhealthy for us both.
Someday, my son (and I
) will both grow up, and I'm confident we will be able to talk and support each other "adult-to-adult." Until then, I think my son needs to attend his meetings (alateen) and I need my meetings. My HP helps me converse with my son on this topic in the meantime. This helps get my son out of the rut of trying to help me, and trying to help and control the situation (I really disliked seeing my own codep behavior in him -- never saw it before!). Its a family disease and I couldn't keep him from catching it.
Anyway, this is just a thought, because I'm dealing with being a mom of a teenager. Maybe its not applicable to your situation, but perhaps it might be food for thought.
Thanks for listening, and I send out hugs and prayers to you and your family.
candlelight
So this was a revelation to me -- that I was not being strong enough to reach out to al-anon members who really are there for me; instead I originally thought it was ok to reach out to my son, whom I loved and he loved me, right? We know and understand each other is what I thought at first. While parts of that may be very true, the reality was that I needed to come to terms with the part of my sickness that gave me trouble with boundaries. This was one boundary I was quite surprised to discover -- that I shouldn't rely upon him in that emotional way, but turn to other more appropriate sources for support. Of course, there are many more ways I can turn to my son and communicate with him -- I'm learning of all the wonderful possibilities I hadn't thought of before -- so I'm not saying I should never speak to him about our problems. On the contrary, I just needed to learn where I was being dependent on him emotionally, and where and when that was unhealthy for us both.
Someday, my son (and I
) will both grow up, and I'm confident we will be able to talk and support each other "adult-to-adult." Until then, I think my son needs to attend his meetings (alateen) and I need my meetings. My HP helps me converse with my son on this topic in the meantime. This helps get my son out of the rut of trying to help me, and trying to help and control the situation (I really disliked seeing my own codep behavior in him -- never saw it before!). Its a family disease and I couldn't keep him from catching it. Anyway, this is just a thought, because I'm dealing with being a mom of a teenager. Maybe its not applicable to your situation, but perhaps it might be food for thought.
Thanks for listening, and I send out hugs and prayers to you and your family.
candlelight
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