Alaia

I went to visit abf today. He had a 4 hour pass and we went to get his son and then go to the movies. Things have settled down with the other girl situation. I don't believe he was telling me the whole truth and I think the ex also blew some of it out perportion. He is saying he wants to be with me, even though he said sponsor had suggested he break up with me and focus on himself. He said we can be together but he has to come first. I understand this. What I don't understand is that I have mentioned to him on more than one occasion that it would be nice for him to tell me how much he misses me, that i look nice/pretty/beautiful once in awhile. I shouldn't have to remind my bf to say these things...once in awhile. not everyday, not all the time, but maybe here and there? Is that asking too much? and when I tell him this he gets all mad at me and tells me he has too much to deal with that he can't worry about trying to remember to say little things to make me happy. He calls me everyday, at least once to say hello and then asks me how my day is...but then in 2 seconds has to go because he needs to go to a meeting/group/dinner blah blah blah and its like why do u even bother to call or even ask a question and then have to run off. he says he tried to call everyday to tell me he loves me (which he always says) to let me know he cares. I am a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl, but the last few times I have gone to visit I have put on make up and done my hair and wore new pretty clothes...do i get a compliment...nope. not even a u look nice. Am i expecting too much of him right now? I know he needs to focus on himself and his recovery. I want to bring this up to him again, but I am in fear for he has made it seem like I shouldn't be upset. It feels like such a one sided relationship. even in the car today he had the music playing pretty loud so we couldn't talk, plus then we had his son. I never get to talk to him on the phone cause he always has to go do this or that. I keep hearing the questions some have you have asked me running through my head like, what am I getting out of this? I do feel he is still lying to me and I feel a little manipulated by this whole thing. It's all about him. Maybe I am being selfish? part of me feels like maybe I have too many expectations on him right now. He used to compliment me all the time. he used to text me a lot during the day telling me he missed me, ect but that could have been part of him using? (dosen't have a cell now) i just feel really under-apreciated and unloved. I've tried to talk to him about it but I get no response, and no change. I send him little cards in the mail and try to give him a few bucks for laundry and stuff. The least he could do is say I look nice. I'm not getting anything I need from this relationship except sadness and hurt. I was so excited to go see him today. Yes, he kissed me and held my hand trhough the whole movie and it seemed like a nice day...so why do I feel so empty and upset now. It went from excited to almost like I wish I didn't even go see him.

MyJoey

It sounds to me like you deserve a heck of a lot more then this guy will ever be able to give you. If it is possible for you to get out of this relationship............RUN and don't look back. Granted this guy is focused on his recovery, but he sounds like a selfish jerk I can only imagine what a wonderful life the two of you have had.........I'm sorry I know you love him, but my goodness do you know how many guys would love you to dress up for them........move on you deserve better.

MrsMagoo

I'm sorry your feeling so down. My understanding is that the addict has to even be more selfish after rehab (if you can imagine). It's critical to their sobriety. He has to remake himself to be successful and sometimes they are not the person we thought they were.

Be gentle with yourself sweetie. My AH just went to rehab on Friday. We've gone through this before - no, wait, he's been to detox a couple of times, not rehab. He's in rehab now and I know, that when he comes out, he is going to be at meetings as often as he can and he HAS to be. I once made the comment (and I hated myself for it immediately), that it would be kinda nice to have him home for a night. I knew as soon as I said it that I screwed up because soon he was not going to meetings and soon he had relapsed again.

This is still the journey and the hard work is coming. How much longer does he have in rehab? Does his son live with you?

This stuff is pretty complicated and I wish you the best of luck with it. Stay strong and try to practice some detachment. We want them to be so grateful that we stuck around that I think we set ourselves up sometimes. Lower your expectations for now. I'm sure he has a LOT of guilt and shame he's still dealing with.

Alaia

no, no I am not willing to settle anymore. I have been thinking about this long and hard and I feel like I should break it off. I get that he needs to put himself first. One thing that is sticking out is after all that went down last week, he admitted to me that he said this other girl was cute. Ok, fine she's a cute girl. Why, then, can't he tell me I LOOK cute today? :wtf2 thats all I wanted. It's not asking for much. I'm not getting anything out of this and I thought at first it might be selfish to expect this, even after we had talked about it before. He just doesn't care, so why should I?

Alaia

He's been there 2 months, so 4 more to go. His son does not live with me. I understand he needs to be selfish, but I have asked him time and time again or told him how I felt and he flips it around on me and tells me its too much pressure for him to have to worry about telling me I look nice. He has too much on his mind. But he can got down the street and go tanning and buy himself new ear phones for the ipod that I gave him and now he has dropped and broken. (it was give to me as a gift too...and what does he do...he complains that its broken...maybe thinking I will get him a new one?) but he can't tell me I look pretty?

laurie6781

Ok, here goes, gloves are off, lol

You are trying to have a ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP with someone who is INCAPABLE of having a relationship. He doesn't love himself, so how can you EXPECT him to care about you.

He is in early recovery, and you, yes YOU want to be complimented, you want to be told you are loved, you want, you want you want.

All he 'hears' is you want. That is his thinking right now.

He will continue to be a 'selfish individual' into recovery, probably long after the 6 months of rehab. It takes a long time into recovery to start sincerely thinking about others besides one's self.

Now I have to ask you, why are YOU clinging to such a sick person? When are YOU going to start working on YOU? YEP your 'expectations' are very toxic to you right now.

He can't fix you, just as you cannot fix him! He is incapable of fulfilling YOUR NEEDS at this time or for some time into the future.

You are expecting someone, who shut down emotionally, when he started using and drinking eons ago, to now be whole. He is not. He is far from it, and he won't be whole for a very long time if ever.

Now ............................................ what are you doing for YOU to turn your life around, so that your 'insides' start to heal, and you can draw to you the type of people that you deserve?

You are a good person, you just have to do some work on you, to figure out why you are still so drawn to a very very sick individual.

This post is not to make you feel bad, this post is to get you to STOP and THINK and start to figure out why YOU want to stay in the sickness.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

cessy68

Oh miss Alaia,

It makes me sick inside to hear your post....(not being mean) - what I am trying to say is forget this man, who has NOTHING to offer you other than complicated/sick/tireing BS!!!

I'm so sick and tired of hearing from people to 'support' the addict.... bla bla bla.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?????????????????????

Oh my word, listen, if he isn't capable of having a 'relationship'- then he shouldn't be in one. If you want a 'relationship' you aren't going to have one with him. How old are you hon?
Perhaps I shouldn't be asking, but i think you said before you are in your 20's---- I don't think that you should waste even a moment more of your precious youth on a guy who is this messed up.

My mama told me this once- "always ask the ex"

What she meant, is USUALLY they aren't that far off as to WHY they are ex's.

BELIEVE me - from a girl who is looking around the bend at comming up on 40-

If i want to date someone in my age bracket- most likely they have an ex.... If a guy I meet talks crap about the ex- RED FLAG. If a guy blames everything on his ex RED FLAG. If the ex is telling you things about him- and she is PROBABLY correct. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

I don't talk trash about my ex's.... (and I have 2 xhusbands.) one of them was abusive, and it is not untill I am very, very deep in a relationship with someone that I will divulge that info.

You deserve to be told that you are pretty. You deserve to feel loved, you deserve to have someone who is EMOTIONALLY - PHYSICALLY- available to you. HE IS NEITHER!!

What about his son Alaia.... he is another one- who is suffering from the loss of his Dad, and then when he is with him he has to have you there..... (no offense) perhaps he would like some one on one attention from his DADDY!!!! Think about it, think how hurt we are from lack of love, and deep attention (like when he had the radio loud) - now imagine a child, who dosen't have an outlet to 'talk' through their feelings. He just knows daddys not around, and the CRUMBS he gets he's splitting with you.

It's so sad to me.

AND YOU DESERVE MORE!!

Do something for you Alaia, and perhaps you will be helping everyone. His ex, his child, him...... and good luck to his next victim if indeed there is another woman.

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. It is horrible, but I do think you should run for the hills.....maybe there will be a whole new world on the other side of this mountain- that you will NEVER see, if you continue to be dragged down by this man.

Lots of hugs,
Cessy

kj3880

Get out while the gettin' is good! Take your beautiful new clothes and wear them out to functions and dances and have some fun. Obviously, he isn't ready to be in a relationship. It's like expecting love and affection from a desk. It just isn't capable. No need to keep banging your head in frustration. I'm staying away from people in early recovery from now on. It just doesn't work out.
KJ

Freedom1990

I found that regardless of who told me I was pretty or how many people told me I was pretty, until I did the internal work on self, I didn't believe it anyway!

I was a bottomless pit when it came to relying on others for my 'feel-goods'.

Hikeon

An addict lives in a world of one - his own.
An addict's girlfriend also lives in a world of one - his.

outtolunch

Is it possible that the reason you feel so empty is that you know, deep down, he's playing you? It sounds like you are convenient for him, right now. He gets a ride, a little free entertainment and a few bucks "for laundry and stuff" and all he has to do to sustain this, is hold your hand, in a movie.

Why settle for this crap? I don't know you but I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than this.

winnie12

Alaia it sounds like you're basing your self-worth on what he thinks of you and what he says to you. It doesnt matter if he thinks you look pretty - what matters is if you feel pretty - inside and out. HE cant make you happy anymore than you can make him happy. Happy is a feeling we have completely within ourselves.

I met a mother and daughter in walmart a couple of weeks ago. They were lovely people - full of happiness, smiling and laughing as if they didnt have a care in the world. They were picking up a special order of baby food and using WIC coupons. thing is about this food is that it goes into feeding tubes. The young girl had two babies that were born without some internal organs and will most likely be on feeding tubes their entire lives. I was enthraled by their story of how the young girls family lives with grandmother just to make ends meet. how the grand mother went to the governor to get financial help to feed the babies (as the food costs around 2k a month). I asked her how they handle this - how they can be so happy - she smiled and said "what other choice do i have." these are two people in dire circumstances dealing with so much pain and stress yet they chose to be happy. I walked away from them that day knowing that if they could live through their life and still find happiness i can too. What a blessing to have met these two lovely women.

Alaia

Thank you everyone. The best thing I can do is let him have his recovery and for me to move on. I don't deserve this and I am not willing to accept it anymore.

JMFburns

Alaia,

I agree with what many before me have said - that you need to look within yourself to find and feel "pretty".

Have you tried AlAnon or NarAnon? What a great place to find face-to-face unconditional love and support for you and you alone.

We are worthy, deserving, lovable people that need a little help to know that (at least I do!) because we have been beaten down by life.

I've come to realize that I grew up in a home that was influenced by alcoholism, so I learned - to be good, keep our 'secrets', to not cause any upsets and to stuff my true self down. I married a very controlling man, so I learned - to try to second guess his moods, to do what I could to make him happy, and to stuff my true self down. Now I'm struggling as a mother to an adult addict son - I think I'm supposed to take care of my son, raise him 'right', help him. It is hard for me to realize I have a life, I can be happy, I can love myself - and maybe others will too - but I do not look to someone else to make me feel good.

((Alaia)) big hug just for you.

hello-kitty

I hope you mean this and follow through because I think this guy treats you like crap and you'd be better off finding someone new. Or on your own.

racaple78

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is get dressed up for YOURSELF, look at YOURSELF in the mirror, and tell YOURSELF, "You are beautiful." You don't need your abf to tell you these things; you need to hear yourself say them to yourself and believe that they are true. Become your own complimentary person, treat yourself with the love you want and deserve, and you will find someone who is right for you and who agrees with you on what you already know about yourself.

Alaia

I do think I am pretty...I just wanted him to say it. I get complimented at work all the time. I go to the gym. I like what I see when I look in the mirror. There was a time in my life when I didn't but I am comfortable in my own skin now. I don't need him to tell it to me to believe it, I just wanted him to tell me. He used to tell me all the time. Now that I put in more of an effort it seems the one person I want to say it doesn't..that's all. Thanks for the self-esteem boost though.