Lucy06

I am wondering whether someone can shed some light on what is going on with me right now.
A little update: AH and I have been separated for 15 months, and he has entered detox and some sort of outpatient rehab since the beginning of January. He has not drunk since, but pot is still in the picture, although he assures me that this is his last supply since his dealer has had his phone disconnected and he doesn't know how to contact him.
Anyway, AH has been pushing a reconcialition thing with me. I told him that I would not be willing to even consider it unless we undergo some serious councelling with a therapist who specialises in addiction. And even then, I cannot guarantee anything. AH is not too hot about the idea of councelling. Says that he doesn't understand why I can't just forget the past and see him for what he is now, not what he used to be.
Deep down, I know I do not want to be part of this relationship anymore. However, I feel obligated, mostly for the children's sake (8 and 3 years old) to at least try my best. I just don't understand how it is possible that my feelings of intense love for him seem to have totally disapear. And I don't know whether they will ever come back. It's like something inside me has died....
I now think that my inability to consider a reconciliation is based on fear (yes I know, yet another thread about fear). I am now aware of the fact that I almost lost my sanity and health entirely because of this relationship. The last years of our living together were total hell and I was feeling completely trapped, mostly due to the fact that I have no family at all in this country, and the number of friends I have is very very limited (thanks to the obnoxious behavior of AH at social gatherings). I truly almost lost my mind, without mentioning the fact that my health was starting to deteriorate drastically when I left.
Now, I am torn: as part of my own recovery, I am aware of the fact that my insanity was partly my "fault" as I let him affect me this way. I did detach, but found I couldn't do it without losing my feelings of being in love with him, and this has a terrible impact on our relatiosnhip and his drinking.
So, in a nutshell, I am now realising that what I fear about reconcialition is that if he relapses, I may very well lose my sanity for good this time. And I do not want to let this happen to me.
At the same time, I realise that my refusal to consider reconciliation being based on fear, this may not be a good thing either.
And to be honest, what makes me even ponder this question, instead of running away and telling him I want a divorce is also based on fear: fear of being alone in this country without any family.
SOunds twisted and sick isn't it?
Has anyone ever had the same feelings?

laurie6781

Sweetie, he can't relapse, he isn't sober. The Marijuana Maintenance program is NOT SOBRIETY.

When his ACTIONS, not his QUACKING show he is actually working on and living a life of recovery, will be the time to maybe, just maybe think about reconciliation.

Sounds like a year or so away at least, based on his 'current' condition.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

SuperTrucker65

I agree! He can not relapse, if He has not stopped using! And< just to throw in My own opinion... You can't stay in an Un-Healthy Relationship, for the sake of the kids... I've seen that tried lots, with Various of My friends... It doesn't work! A relationship, is similar to Recovery... If *YOU* don't want it, then it Probably won't Work!... That's just My opinion!

Lucy06

Thanks a lot for answering!
I have to say that your comments about the pot confirm something I sort of knew but I have been so brainwashed about this that I am still unclear about the actual issues associated with pot use. That is, apart from the fact that he is obviously still not dealing with his feelings and running away from his problems....

Bernadette

Pot is a deal breaker for me.
That's not sobriety.
Plus the fact that he's saying this is the "end" of his supply?
Quackity quack quack quack.

Deep down, I know I do not want to be part of this relationship anymore.

Then don't!! Listen to that voice that knows this is true! Trust yourself. Spend your energy building up your own fantastic life - making new friends and building a social safety net for you and the kids. It doesn't need to be blood relatives. Love makes a family!! I found many helping hands (often moms from my kids' school) when I finally put my hand out and said-- hey I'm having a little trouble over here!!

good luck lucy06!
peace-
b

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

If he's smoking dope, he's not sober, IMO. Ditto the others, it's just the quacking of an alcoholic. And as some folks here can attest from my personal experience, you can lose your mind in that codependency. Save yourself.

dothi

If I had a quarter for every time I heard that come out of an alcoholic's mouth... Yes, poor actions and behavior are best left in past for alcoholics. That's how they avoid taking responsibility for their actions, whether the past refers to last night or last year. I'm sorry but your AH is not in sobriety. He is still not interested in taking ownership of his behavior.

Why having this relationship better for the kids than having none of at all? What are they going to learn from his random appearances, pot-smoking, neglect, unpredictable outbursts, childish behavior, displacing blame, etc. etc. etc. Your AH's drinking not is going to change the fact that your children's needs will also change as they grow up. Is that when his style of parenting better suit them - when they'll need him to actually take an interest in who they are?

Is it in your children's best interests to have a miserable, emotionally unavailable mother who has a nervous breakdown and disappears into depression? I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like keeping this relationship will be a victory for anyone but AH.

For goodness sakes woman, listen to this feeling. Your gut is sending you a STRONG message to GET OUT of this toxic environment. Get out of this toxic dynamic. Stop exposing yourself to his toxic behaviors and reasoning. You will eventually break down because your body is trying hard to tell you STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND GET OUT.

Fair enough, but it's still not an excuse for remaining too paralyzed to take action. What steps can you take to protect your sanity?

Why not see a counsellor on your own for bit, while you are going through such a big change with so little support? You don't need AH with you as an excuse to go. How about arranging regular calls with a close friend or family member just to vent/cry/calm down. If you know you can talk to someone on your side every Sunday night, that might help you get through the week. See if there is a divorce support group in town. Post here on cr*ppy days that just can't wait.

You're human - not superwoman. No one is expecting you to do this 100% alone.

Filly1

I've only been on this site a couple of days & I'm coming to realise that Dothi is one wise bird!
She speaks with plain talk and sense.
Not much I can add, except this is about YOUR self esteem & the happiness of you and your kids.
If you like quacking so much, take the kids to feed the ducks!
You may be surprised too, at how many seemingly lost friends and acquaintances will come willingly out of hiding once the word that you've split is out. You'll probably find far more genuine support than you might expect.

Do it for you! And forget guilt and fear, girl: they're negative. Now's the time for you to be positive, and loads of people here will help you.

GiveLove

Okay, Lucy, maybe think of this. Your daughter (or "a" daughter if you don't have one) comes to you fifteen years from now and tells you this about a relationship she's left to maintain her own sanity and self-respect.

She tells you this (above) and wants to know if she should reconcile.

What do you tell her?

(By the way, you might include a part where she tells you "He" is going to quit pot smoking because his dealer moved....not for any other reason mind you, just that. Good thing pot dealers don't live on every street in the world or anything. Good thing he's not committed to his sobriety or any dumb reason like that )

I hope you can see this for what it is. An attempt by an addict to bring you into their service again.

LaTeeDa

Pushing would be a red flag to me. It indicates a sense of urgency, as in, he wants to hurry up and get back together before.....

Before what? Who knows. But, I would be very, very wary of someone who was in such a hurry.

L

Lucy06

Thanks so much for all the responses. I hate feeling that I am still being manipulated by AH. I hate it, and this is probably a good reason not to consider going back into this disfunctional relationship.

Well, obviously, he has run out of pot yesterday and he is not looking too good. His negativity is unbelievable. This morning, on our way to work (I pick him up because he broke his foot back in november after he got drunk), he made the following comment:"do you think all fat people are stupid? Because it sounds to me that you must be pretty stupid to be fat". I was speechless. I told him that obese people have a food addiction and try to bury their feelings with food, the same way addicts do with drugs or alcohol. And I said that at least, while these people eat, they don't engage in obnoxious or abusive behavior like most mind altering drug addicts do".
Anyway, he is off to his doctor today to get some valium to help him deal with the fact that he doesn't have any pot left. Navigating his way from one drug to another until he becomes addicted to almost any drug that exists.... I am keeping out of this and let him deal on his own. Watching from the sidelines...

But your kind and eye opening replies make me stronger in my belief that I cannot go back into this relationship....

LaTeeDa

Seems to me it would be a lot easier to keep out of it and watch from the sidelines if you let him figure out his own way to work....

Just an observation.

L

Lucy06

yes I know LTD. I may be making a mistake here but I don't see the need to become selfish, since his house and work are on my way to work. My feeling is that doing this is not bothering me at this stage. I am not compromising any resolve I have had. At the same time, I want to learn how to keep my caring nature while not enabling.
I don't see any harm in being caring, as long as he does not cross any bondary.

LaTeeDa

Of course you are free to do as you choose. FWIW though, I do see it as enabling. He cannot drive because he broke his ankle, because he was drunk. So, his inability to drive is a direct result of his drinking. So, by driving him, you are alleviating the consequences of his drinking. Enabling can come in many forms.

L

coyote21

Maybe I've missed something about your story. I would gather up my children and beat cheeks back to my own country with my own family to support me.

I'd give just about anything for a supportive family thru this crap. If I had one, that's where I'd be.

Screw him and his country. No offense!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

SuperTrucker65

All of Us... Whether Sober, Drunk, High, Clean, Big, Small, Man, or Woman, ... EVERYONE, Deserves to be treated with Love and Respect... At the Very LEAST, With Respect!!!

If You are Not getting treated, with Respect... Then You need to Stay away, from the Person(s), that are Dis-Respecting You!!!

It is a form of Abuse!! You and Your Child, or Children, Should not be in that kind of Enviroment!!

Even if You are the only one, receiving the Abuse... Your Children will, Know about it, and Suffer because of it!!

The Man, You are Describing, Sounds like He has More Issues, than just substance abuse!!

You, and Your Kids, should be somewhere safe, not around a Ticking Time-Bomb!!

It is Our Job, as Parents, to Provide a safe enviroment, for Our Children!!

I Have a Much Bigger Opinion, about the situation, that You are describing... But... I Will Bite My Tongue, about it!!

Do what You need to do, to become Safe!!!

~Rob~

Lucy06

realistically, there is no way I can just leave the coutry with the kids. I would have to go through a legal hellish of a battle and with Australia's new laws saying that kids need to have "reasonable" access to each of their parent, even, as it has transpired in some news stories, if one of these parents have mental issues. AH can be very very smart and convicing on what a great, rational, sound person he is, especially now that he is not drinking anymore.
That is why I feel trapped at times....

Lucy06

I just want to clarify something I wrote that might have come the wrong way: when AH was talking about fat people, he wasn't talking about me (I am not overweight). I realised I typed the sentence :"you must be pretty stupid etc" when he said "you'd have to be pretty stupid etc".
Even though he was more than direspectful, it was not directed at ME, so I just wanted to clarify that....

Barbara52

As long as you do not seek actual legal information about your particular situation, you have no chance of finding your way out. As long as you keep telling yourself "I can't," you won't.

If the situation is truly bad, take a vacation with the kids home. And decide to fight him from home.

coyote21

You know, it's been my experience that active addicts aren't exactly cut out to be good nurturing, kind, loving caretakers to little kids. That's not anywhere near the top of their priority list.

I bet if you told him that you were leaving the country to go home, and if he didn't want you to take the kids, you'd be happy to leave them with him, he'd help you ALL pack.

I bet a solution to this dilemma will present it's self soon.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote