FlwrofFrgttng

today. It wasn't exactly a red letter day but it wasn't horrible either. I've been journalling and it stinks to read some of what I've written in the last two or so days. I haven't progressed as far as I thought I had. But that's ok. I have made SOME progress. He's still not here and that's what matters. Not very much progress on the job front but I know if I keep looking I'll find something. My son is having nightmares, I can't help but think that it's connected since he's too little to understand what's going on. Just his brain's way of trying to process things.

I keep telling myself that it's going to get better. I KNOW it will get better, it's just waiting it out and dealing with all the sour feelings that's my problem. Can't wait to see the counselor next week. My sister's agreed to watch the boys for that hour for me. Too bad she can't watch them more often. I need to get out. I'm going stir crazy a bit. There's nothing I hate more than being confined to my house when I'm feeling down. I'd take the boys for walks during the day but it's too cold for the baby.

This is so hard. I KNOW I don't want to be with someone who really isn't "with" me anyway but it still hurts to cut him out of me. Like major surgery without anesthesia. I wish I were numb sometimes. Emotionless. Well maybe not because I need to feel how much I love my boys. Guess I'm just in the mood for a pity party. I've got the whine... ugh. Sorry, I know what I have to do and I know what I have to go through to do it. Thank God that absence really does NOT make the heart grow fonder. Maybe I'll start a ticker. Lol!

/moment of self pity.

dothi

Just wanted to say ((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))

Being alone with your thoughts sure doesn't help the creeping doubts, but hang in there. Your confidence is also growing with time. Look at all the things you're doing already - things that twelve months ago probably felt impossible for you. Fitting into a healthy lifestyle can feel *wrong* at first because it's not what you're used to. Like any big change, it'll take a while

Glenna9802

You are doing wonderfully, and I envy your strength.

FlwrofFrgttng

it's not strength, glenna. not unless anger is strength. i'm sick of all the lies, sneaking, manipulation, irresponsibility and the abandonment that goes along with being with him. I'm tired of picking up the slack. I'm tired of not having a "real" marriage because somewhere along the way AH has learned to equate his manhood with having beer with the boys. I am 27 yo. I have 2 small boys. I've had to be responsible my ENTIRE life. I have no patience for his excuses. I've been through some rough things in my life. Rough things. But no matter what I've been through I've done whatever was necessary in life to take care of myself and now my children. And he benefitted from my responsibility. I'm just sick to death of being a team player while he runs around being free agent. *Bleep* that. Once I get over my own issues I still have plenty of time left to find someone who is interested in having a "real" relationship with me. Someone who understands that love is an ACTION and not just a WORD as my mother used to say.

goodlukchrm

You deserve someone who is really there for you and the boys. Know that and accept it into your spirit.