I need some serious advise

Old 08-10-2003, 03:51 AM
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Lightbulb I need some serious advise

Hello to everyone out there! You guys are just great!
Okay...I need some advise.

My boyfriend is completly allergic to alcohol (he breaks out in handcuffs )! Anyway, do to his drinking problem, he landed himself in prison (felony DUI). He's been sober in prison for 2 years but he's due for release in 30 days.

My question is...how do I help support his sobriety without stepping on his toes? He hasn't mentioned if part of his parole requires alcohol treatment and I don't want to ask. He wrote me the other day totally petrified about everything he has to face when he gets out (getting a job, having money, etc.). I told him that no matter what, he needs to create a support system around him- whether he joins AA or talks to a shrink or a priest or whatever.

Does anyone have anything else that they could add? Maybe something else I could tell him or suggest if he asks?

All I know is that I've been there for him and will continue to be as long as I don't have to watch him self destruct. Comments?

A bit about his personality (if this helps): He's your typical white collar, sports loving, all american guy. He's exceptionally smart (unless he drinks a case of beer), non-abusive (except to himself), and so loving and caring- definately not your typical inmate! He has the biggest heart and wants to help everyone and fix everything.

Regarding his big heart...I also advised him to start focusing on himself and not everyone elses problems!

Anyway...any advise or comments would be helpful!
Thanks so much!
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Old 08-10-2003, 04:39 AM
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Good morning Rocky:

I am relatively new to the world of Alocholism. About 10 months ago our son after 7 years of lies and betrayals blasted out of our lives taking our two grandchildren with him. He has surrounded himself with alocholics who can support his disease.

What I am trying to focus on is myself. I am learning to accept that I will never have, never did and most importantly at this point never will have control over him.

I am trying to learn to focus on me. What is the healthy thing for me. Learn to set boundries in all my interactions with people that support my life. Sean became the focus of more and more of my energy because it was my responsiblity to fix it - fix him.

Since he left us I have discovered so much joy in so many other things. I realize that to some extent I was not dealing with my own life in any conscious way. I used his problems and everyone elses problems to define my day - my life.

I am now spending a lot more time focusing on my own problems more own goals and generally looking out for me first.

Love yourself rocky. Recognize that no matter what happens your the first priority. What is suppose to happen will and know that if you focus on you, set boundries that support your own growth and progress you will always do the right thing.

Have a great day.

TomB
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Old 08-10-2003, 04:42 AM
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JT
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Welcome!

You didn't say if he lived with you or not. My son is going to prison (felony DUI) and I have gotten info about half-way/sober living houses.

I will bet that some sort of treatment is part of his parole...as well as urine testing.

Ask your BF what HE plans to do...determine what is his and what is yours and go from there. In reality what he does is ALL his so keep that in mind.

Regarding my son I have taken a hands off approach...my fear is that if I help and somehow make it possible for him to drive I couldn't live with it if he killed or hurt someone. So I choose to do nothing. He knows my boundaries and he knows I love him...the rest belongs to him.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 08-10-2003, 04:53 AM
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Hello Just Tired:

I ma not sure how this all works - the website I mean - but if you were asking - no he does not live with us. He is married to a woman whose entire family are either active alcoholics or addicted to crack cocaine. Her father worked for me for 11 years and my son joined us about 1.5 years. The insanity of lies and betrayal was horrific and I can now see how desperately I was in denial trying to make everything right.
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Old 08-10-2003, 05:17 PM
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To: Just Tired

Thanks for the welcome! My BF does not live with me at this time. We are actually in different states at the moment, but plan on reuniting in the near future. I have the attitude that what ever happens-happens and he knows that. I don't want to put stress or demands on him and I'm afraid if my timing is bad, and I ask him about his parole stipulations at the wrong moment, he might think I am putting even MORE pressure on him and he'll either drink, or split, or both! Now I'm smart enough to know that it won't be my fault if he decides to drink again because that's his choice- BUT I don't want to add fuel to the fire...ya know what I mean? I also think that his drinking, in part, has a lot to do with low self esteem. His attitude in the past was if I fail, I'm gonna fail in a big way!I don't think that is the case at the moment, but it could easily go in that direction. Do you know if there is a program out there that focuses on what an alcoholic can do when they feel their self defeating attitude is beginning to surface? I'd like to maybe read their information so if he turns to me for help, I know the right things to say...

Thanks and hang in there, girl!
Rocky
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Old 08-10-2003, 05:19 PM
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Thanks to everyone who shared with me...I appreciate it!

Rocky
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Old 08-11-2003, 03:04 AM
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Ann
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Rocky

I'm sorry I am a little late welcoming you. You have received some good advice here, and I just want to add that I would suggest making a list for yourself, of what you will and what you won't put up with in your life.

Make it about you, and think through how you will handle certain siruations should they arise...for example if he starts drinking again.

My prayers go out for both of you, and wishes for much happiness together.

Hugs
Ann
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