My vicioius words......
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
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My vicioius words......
I want to share something with you all. And then I will share with you what I learned. I guess this was an awakening for me.
My text last night to the abf-
You are a coward. In every sense of the word. Have all the friends and drugs you want, I don't want to be disrespected by you- I don't want you to expect me to just 'keep my mouth shut' about what you do. You are a junkie who wants me to believe your empty words and empty promises. I can't stand you. I can't stand what you have become. Take your pills, drink, you can ruin your life, I'm not willing to let you ruin my life, by filling me with hatred that I feel for you. I used to love you more than life itself..I hate you now. You are such a cool guy, yea, hang with your friends and enjoy this miserable life you live you cool guy.
Isn't that aweful? I was so upset when I re-read what I wrote. That was mean an hurtful.
This is not productive, it is not who I am. I feel horrible. I feel sick inside to kick someone while they are already down.
Last night - I was exhausted, and I had a couple drinks. Look what happened? All my pent up anger and sadness, bitterness and resentment flew out of me like a damm that broke loose.
I have made at least ONE decision -
If I CHOOSE to keep going in a relationship with him - I WILL NEVER do that again.
If I CHOOSE to be dissatisfied in my life with him- I WILL NEVER speak like that to him. Becuase it would be my choice to stay. I know what I have... I have a pig- and the pig won't sing like I want. So who am I to be filled with anger at him... who am I to kick the poor pig for being who he is? If I wanted a parakeet, I should have let the pig go elsewhere... and someday, maybe i'd get the parakeet singing like I REALLY wanted.
I vow to myself, that I will only give him love. If my love is rejected, and that hurts me, than I will deal with that hurt, and move on.
Other than that.... I will not beat myself up about my vile words.... and just think that I was lucky enough to have written them down- so that now I had the opportunity to see it, and grow from it.
Cessy
My text last night to the abf-
You are a coward. In every sense of the word. Have all the friends and drugs you want, I don't want to be disrespected by you- I don't want you to expect me to just 'keep my mouth shut' about what you do. You are a junkie who wants me to believe your empty words and empty promises. I can't stand you. I can't stand what you have become. Take your pills, drink, you can ruin your life, I'm not willing to let you ruin my life, by filling me with hatred that I feel for you. I used to love you more than life itself..I hate you now. You are such a cool guy, yea, hang with your friends and enjoy this miserable life you live you cool guy.
Isn't that aweful? I was so upset when I re-read what I wrote. That was mean an hurtful.
This is not productive, it is not who I am. I feel horrible. I feel sick inside to kick someone while they are already down.
Last night - I was exhausted, and I had a couple drinks. Look what happened? All my pent up anger and sadness, bitterness and resentment flew out of me like a damm that broke loose.
I have made at least ONE decision -
If I CHOOSE to keep going in a relationship with him - I WILL NEVER do that again.
If I CHOOSE to be dissatisfied in my life with him- I WILL NEVER speak like that to him. Becuase it would be my choice to stay. I know what I have... I have a pig- and the pig won't sing like I want. So who am I to be filled with anger at him... who am I to kick the poor pig for being who he is? If I wanted a parakeet, I should have let the pig go elsewhere... and someday, maybe i'd get the parakeet singing like I REALLY wanted.
I vow to myself, that I will only give him love. If my love is rejected, and that hurts me, than I will deal with that hurt, and move on.
Other than that.... I will not beat myself up about my vile words.... and just think that I was lucky enough to have written them down- so that now I had the opportunity to see it, and grow from it.
Cessy
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Don't beat yourself up about it. Your text was mild compared to some of the words that I said to my own daughter. I know that I had to detach from her in anger before I could find compassion. What I know today is that addiction is fueled by shame and guilt. Nowadays I say what I mean but I don't say it meanly. But it took me a long time to get there and a conscious decision that I have to make on a daily basis. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Alcohol makes us less inhibited. So, that's probably why you typed these words. Do you think that your words could be how you really feel about the situation? When you have lost your control, your true thoughts come out? I don't think it is healthy to be holding in all that pent up anger and resentment. I'm not saying that you should let him have it...I'm just saying that this doesn't sound very healthy for you.
Don't take me wrong, I'm not blaming you at all! I understand your feelings. I get the same feelings for ABF where I get really sick and tired of all of the focus on his addiction and his recovery. Last night he was trying to snuggle with me, and I was like--just move away.
Don't take me wrong, I'm not blaming you at all! I understand your feelings. I get the same feelings for ABF where I get really sick and tired of all of the focus on his addiction and his recovery. Last night he was trying to snuggle with me, and I was like--just move away.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
You were addressing his addiction not him, not the person that you fell in love with. Anger at the disease is powerful. Try not to beat yourself up. I know its hard but its in the past now. Move forward.
Remember be a boy.........
Remember be a boy.........
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
thanx guys....
ps. nice to see you hear again Cass.... where ya been hiden'
No beating on myself or anyone else today....
Ya, alot of pent up feelings.... it's a work in progress....
Thanks again
Love
Cessy
ps. nice to see you hear again Cass.... where ya been hiden'
No beating on myself or anyone else today....
Ya, alot of pent up feelings.... it's a work in progress....Thanks again
Love
Cessy
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Feel the feeling...Think about the action.
I think it is good to feel the feelings and there is nothing wrong with expressing them either...Just in an action, not a reaction. I'm learning that, but I sure make mistakes sometimes and react, not act. I know that guilty feeling of saying things I don't mean in hopes that the person will somehow feel the same hurt and say geez i must be hurting her the same way I am hurt by this; I think I will change. I'm not that powerful.
I'm so glad you are not beating yourself up. Your feelings are valid and I love how you are owning your own chocies!! There was a reason for this text and a great growth opportunity. Hugs
I think it is good to feel the feelings and there is nothing wrong with expressing them either...Just in an action, not a reaction. I'm learning that, but I sure make mistakes sometimes and react, not act. I know that guilty feeling of saying things I don't mean in hopes that the person will somehow feel the same hurt and say geez i must be hurting her the same way I am hurt by this; I think I will change. I'm not that powerful.
I'm so glad you are not beating yourself up. Your feelings are valid and I love how you are owning your own chocies!! There was a reason for this text and a great growth opportunity. Hugs
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Cessie your post reminded me of why I left my ex husband over 30yrs ago. His behaviour brought out the worst in me. I behaved in ways I never would & said things I would never say because I would be so frustrated & so angry. After 10yrs and 2 children, I had had enough. I knew I couldn't control anyone but myself & I was going half crazy trying. I just knew I couldn't do it anymore.
I wish you the best & just wanted to share what I had been through.
Diane
I wish you the best & just wanted to share what I had been through.
Diane
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm likely in the minority here, but maybe you needed to get that off your chest. It's not healthy to keep it all in. Could you have been more "diplomatic" about it? Sure. But, maybe "diplomatic" doesn't sink in with him. Maybe straight up and no-holds-barred is what he needs to get it through his head?
I don't know.
Just don't get down on yourself. Learn from it. Accept it. Embrace that you allowed yourself to be a human and to feel human things.
All that he's said/done to you. I would think that you slamming him with some hard truths is not going to tilt the scales of karma against you.
Sometimes, the she-lion has to roar. When she gets angry enough . . .
I don't know.
Just don't get down on yourself. Learn from it. Accept it. Embrace that you allowed yourself to be a human and to feel human things.
All that he's said/done to you. I would think that you slamming him with some hard truths is not going to tilt the scales of karma against you.
Sometimes, the she-lion has to roar. When she gets angry enough . . .
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k guys... there goes my computer again.... everytime I press the thanks button- I have to navigate through some error message...
It didn't do that when I used my daughters lap top when she was home over christmas break- so it must be my laptop...
SOOOOO - the long and short of it, is I always have to say thank you in replies... rather than hitting the thankyou button to all of you.
P.s.... I shook my head after I posted this thread- and said, I CANT EVEN SPELL RIGHT ON MY SUBJECT LINE????? lol. I usually spell very well- when I'm frustrated and write... I just write, write, write, and never look at spelling -grammar... lol
Just wanted you to know I'm not a dope
Love,
Cessy
It didn't do that when I used my daughters lap top when she was home over christmas break- so it must be my laptop...
SOOOOO - the long and short of it, is I always have to say thank you in replies... rather than hitting the thankyou button to all of you.
P.s.... I shook my head after I posted this thread- and said, I CANT EVEN SPELL RIGHT ON MY SUBJECT LINE????? lol. I usually spell very well- when I'm frustrated and write... I just write, write, write, and never look at spelling -grammar... lol
Just wanted you to know I'm not a dope
Love,
Cessy
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
The simplest of creatures has a breaking point. Whether it's fear, frustration, anger, or pain driving it...it happens.
Ever seen one of those shows where there's some idiot waving his hands in front of a big snake or even an inoccent looking squirrel. Don't we all think the same thing: "Dude, that's a bad idea? Can't you see what's about to happen to you? Can't you see that look in its eye?"
Then the guy gets a snake bite to the face or a squirrel flying up his pant leg to parts better left unsaid, and we all say "I told you so, dude."
Your ABF is the dumb cluck waving his hands at you day in and day out. What the heck is he thinking is going to happen? It's all fun and games until someone gets an eye poked out.
Don't be so hard on yourself and don't just ignore how you feel in this situation. There's a reason this stuff comes out in a flood all at once. If you don't release the pressure in little bits, something is going to blow.
I say you should write such little "love" notes every day but don't send them. I think you will run out of vile things to say after a while.
Ever seen one of those shows where there's some idiot waving his hands in front of a big snake or even an inoccent looking squirrel. Don't we all think the same thing: "Dude, that's a bad idea? Can't you see what's about to happen to you? Can't you see that look in its eye?"
Then the guy gets a snake bite to the face or a squirrel flying up his pant leg to parts better left unsaid, and we all say "I told you so, dude."
Your ABF is the dumb cluck waving his hands at you day in and day out. What the heck is he thinking is going to happen? It's all fun and games until someone gets an eye poked out.
Don't be so hard on yourself and don't just ignore how you feel in this situation. There's a reason this stuff comes out in a flood all at once. If you don't release the pressure in little bits, something is going to blow.
I say you should write such little "love" notes every day but don't send them. I think you will run out of vile things to say after a while.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
I think the only thing wrong with these words is that they hurt you.
To explain what I mean, I want to talk about my job for a minute.
I teach high school. That can be frustrating beyond belief. But I never yell at my students, absolutely never. Not because I think it's the end of the world to raise my voice a little... it wouldn't bother most of them. But when I yell, I lose control of me. I feel yukky and shaky inside and I can't live with myself feeling that way.
So I never let myself get that mad. Even when they act like maniacs.
Instead, I find other strategies for coping with them when they're insane. Like walking to the water fountain and having a drink of water. Or putting on ten minutes of a video to calm them down (so I can calm down!). Or having all the students sit down and read for five minutes to take down the energy level in the room. You see what I mean?
I do it for me.
But the thing about this is that when I make sure I don't let myself get out-of-control-angry, I feel better about myself. And that makes me better at what I do.
So.... the point of all this babbling is that I'm saying if you're so angry with him, maybe you want to find another way to cope with that anger for your own benefit. Not for his. Not because you should feel guilty about it, because I don't think you should at all.
I just want you to feel in control of yourself and good about your choices, because that's empowering.
(hugs)
To explain what I mean, I want to talk about my job for a minute.
I teach high school. That can be frustrating beyond belief. But I never yell at my students, absolutely never. Not because I think it's the end of the world to raise my voice a little... it wouldn't bother most of them. But when I yell, I lose control of me. I feel yukky and shaky inside and I can't live with myself feeling that way.
So I never let myself get that mad. Even when they act like maniacs.
Instead, I find other strategies for coping with them when they're insane. Like walking to the water fountain and having a drink of water. Or putting on ten minutes of a video to calm them down (so I can calm down!). Or having all the students sit down and read for five minutes to take down the energy level in the room. You see what I mean?
I do it for me.
But the thing about this is that when I make sure I don't let myself get out-of-control-angry, I feel better about myself. And that makes me better at what I do.
So.... the point of all this babbling is that I'm saying if you're so angry with him, maybe you want to find another way to cope with that anger for your own benefit. Not for his. Not because you should feel guilty about it, because I don't think you should at all.
I just want you to feel in control of yourself and good about your choices, because that's empowering.
(hugs)
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
The last thing any of us wants to do is loose control of ourselves because as we say over and over that's all we can control. The addict tells us that we cant say anything bad to them - we cant critisize them or they will have a relapse. I've done this same thing so many times i've lost count. honestly, what you said is what most of us hold back saying every day and sooner or later its going to blow. My son used to use every argument we had as an excuse to use so i did everything i could not to push him. Even would tell the judge that the reason he failed his drug test is he had an argument with me. So we shove it all down, we try to be patient, we never say anything mean no matter how true it may be. Eventually it will blow and when it does it comes out so much worse then we ever intended. In the end your just human and that's okay and you really need to forgive yourself.
My counselor helped me figure out how to recogonize those feelings before they took control of me. So when i feel that energy building up i have to step away from the situation and get it out in a more positive way. We also have a rule that some things we only discuss in counseling - where we have a neutral party to help us stay focused. I still plan to get a punching bag - so i can hit that bag and release the negative energy building up in me when i start feeling it. I also rarely drink now and never around AS becuase even with one drink i'm not as in control of my words.
My counselor helped me figure out how to recogonize those feelings before they took control of me. So when i feel that energy building up i have to step away from the situation and get it out in a more positive way. We also have a rule that some things we only discuss in counseling - where we have a neutral party to help us stay focused. I still plan to get a punching bag - so i can hit that bag and release the negative energy building up in me when i start feeling it. I also rarely drink now and never around AS becuase even with one drink i'm not as in control of my words.
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