Looking for support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Looking for support
Hi,
I obviously am new to this forum, and am looking for words of wisdom/support for the situation I am in.
I'll try to be as brief as I can with the background.
Things came to a head a few weeks ago, when walked in on her "sleeping" with someone. Sober, completely and utterly out of character. I am as sure as I can be that this has never happened before. She is seeing a therapist, and there are other issues that are magnified, or brought up to the surface when alcohol is involved.
We were slowing working through the pain and heartbreak of her infidelity. We were having what I thought was really healthy conversations about our life together. Slowly but surely we were rebuilding the trust that had been destroyed. She admitted a week ago to being an alcoholic. She is at an AA meeting right now. She is the type of alcoholic that does not need a drink every day. When she chooses to drink, she does not know when to stop. She becomes someone else, not the person I love and cherish. All our fights have happened when drunk - we do night fight sober, just healthy arguments.
Recently, on my own therapist's advice, I gave her a couple of statements of intent i.e. One more act of infidelity, and I walk out the door. One more drink of alcohol, and I walk out the door. She became offended by my statements, and thought them as accusatory. She started to deflect the attention from her, and raised (again) my poor communication skills (it's true - I grew up in a house that did not communicate well). After this, she had dropped the bombshell that she had recently done coke a few times. She did it in college a long time ago.
I am really hurt by this because she kept it from me for as long as 3 months. She did not tell me when we were having these open communication. The coke use is linked to alcohol/ other issues. The trust that had been built up, has been destroyed. Once again I am at stage 1 of our marriage recovery.
Taanks for reading
I obviously am new to this forum, and am looking for words of wisdom/support for the situation I am in.
I'll try to be as brief as I can with the background.
Things came to a head a few weeks ago, when walked in on her "sleeping" with someone. Sober, completely and utterly out of character. I am as sure as I can be that this has never happened before. She is seeing a therapist, and there are other issues that are magnified, or brought up to the surface when alcohol is involved.
We were slowing working through the pain and heartbreak of her infidelity. We were having what I thought was really healthy conversations about our life together. Slowly but surely we were rebuilding the trust that had been destroyed. She admitted a week ago to being an alcoholic. She is at an AA meeting right now. She is the type of alcoholic that does not need a drink every day. When she chooses to drink, she does not know when to stop. She becomes someone else, not the person I love and cherish. All our fights have happened when drunk - we do night fight sober, just healthy arguments.
Recently, on my own therapist's advice, I gave her a couple of statements of intent i.e. One more act of infidelity, and I walk out the door. One more drink of alcohol, and I walk out the door. She became offended by my statements, and thought them as accusatory. She started to deflect the attention from her, and raised (again) my poor communication skills (it's true - I grew up in a house that did not communicate well). After this, she had dropped the bombshell that she had recently done coke a few times. She did it in college a long time ago.
I am really hurt by this because she kept it from me for as long as 3 months. She did not tell me when we were having these open communication. The coke use is linked to alcohol/ other issues. The trust that had been built up, has been destroyed. Once again I am at stage 1 of our marriage recovery.
Taanks for reading
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
There is a lot of support for you here and tons of information in the stickies posted at the top of this section. Please read and post as needed.
I thought you communicated your boundaries effectively.
Stick around, others will drop by to share their support and experience.
There is a lot of support for you here and tons of information in the stickies posted at the top of this section. Please read and post as needed.
I thought you communicated your boundaries effectively.
Stick around, others will drop by to share their support and experience.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR. I am sorry for your pain. I was much like your wife in that I was not an every day drinker, but lost control when I did drink. My first husband and I had all our fights over my drinking. I was also unfaithful in that marriage, and the end result was he walked out and divorced me.
Today I can respect him for that (I have also been clean/sober for many years now). Infidelity was a deal-breaker for him, and he was able to start his life over, remarry, and today, he has done very well for himself and his family.
I am glad you are attending therapy for yourself. Would you also consider attending Alanon for support? I also have a 31 year old daughter who is an active alcoholic/addict and Alanon taught me how to take the focus off of her, and help me to heal from the effects her alcoholism/addictions have had on me.
Today I can respect him for that (I have also been clean/sober for many years now). Infidelity was a deal-breaker for him, and he was able to start his life over, remarry, and today, he has done very well for himself and his family.
I am glad you are attending therapy for yourself. Would you also consider attending Alanon for support? I also have a 31 year old daughter who is an active alcoholic/addict and Alanon taught me how to take the focus off of her, and help me to heal from the effects her alcoholism/addictions have had on me.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Tigerfan -- I'm glad you're here. I'm fairly new myself but have been in recovery from codependence for many years. I must admit, I have had my share of "relapses" but have become committed to focusing on me and taking the focus off of my addicted loved one.
I have been in my relationship for 27 years now. Alcohol was an issue for many of those years, and like your wife, my husband didn't drink every day -- he is a binge drinker. He is also a coke abuser. This has ultimately become the deal breaker in our relationship. After thousands and thousands of dollars and many nights of "not coming home" out doing God knows what, our relationship is ending. Coke was a deal breaker for me -- it has changed him in ways that I do not even pretend to understand. I don't mean to scare you, but I think it is a different "demon" than alcohol. It turned my husband into a liar -- someone with no conscience and someone who is only out for himself.
I'm glad that your wife is going to AA. I hope, as I do for all of our addicts in our life, that she will find recovery. I spent many many years feeling responsible for my husband's recovery. Many a times I told him I would leave if the behaviour continued. Of course, I would give him chance after chance after chance until those ultimatums or boundaries I set were just a joke to him. I have learned that if I set those boundaries, it is important to follow through with them. So for me, I have learned that I need to be ready to act if I said I was going to. If I don't, it just continues to give him the tools to manipulate me and get what he wants. And that, to me, is enabling him. It isn't helping him, in fact, it made him worse.
I think what other posters have said here is crucial -- you have to take care of yourself and focus on what you need -- not necessarily from her, but from yourself. Coming here and reading what so many wise people have to share is a good start
Welcome!
I have been in my relationship for 27 years now. Alcohol was an issue for many of those years, and like your wife, my husband didn't drink every day -- he is a binge drinker. He is also a coke abuser. This has ultimately become the deal breaker in our relationship. After thousands and thousands of dollars and many nights of "not coming home" out doing God knows what, our relationship is ending. Coke was a deal breaker for me -- it has changed him in ways that I do not even pretend to understand. I don't mean to scare you, but I think it is a different "demon" than alcohol. It turned my husband into a liar -- someone with no conscience and someone who is only out for himself.
I'm glad that your wife is going to AA. I hope, as I do for all of our addicts in our life, that she will find recovery. I spent many many years feeling responsible for my husband's recovery. Many a times I told him I would leave if the behaviour continued. Of course, I would give him chance after chance after chance until those ultimatums or boundaries I set were just a joke to him. I have learned that if I set those boundaries, it is important to follow through with them. So for me, I have learned that I need to be ready to act if I said I was going to. If I don't, it just continues to give him the tools to manipulate me and get what he wants. And that, to me, is enabling him. It isn't helping him, in fact, it made him worse.
I think what other posters have said here is crucial -- you have to take care of yourself and focus on what you need -- not necessarily from her, but from yourself. Coming here and reading what so many wise people have to share is a good start
Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Thanks everyone for your words - I am going to go to an Al-Anon meeting this weekend. It's hard dealing with this stuff alone. I am 10,000 miles away from my family and close friends..
Thanks again
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
tigerfan,
I just wanted to welcome you to SR. This is a great community, as you're already discovering. That's not to say that they'll always tell you what you want to hear -- but responses will be honest, varied, and with your best interest in mind.
I too am far from any supporting family and was also in a relationship where I was 100% certain my partner wouldn't be unfaithful, where we had deep, heartfelt, supportive conversations, and where I was absolutely sure our bond could save us from any obstacle that might come.
It was an enormous surprise to me to find out that you can be in a relationship seemingly made in heaven (based on the above) and still suffer from another's poor choices: lies, infidelity, substance abuse. It shakes your faith in your own powers of judgment to the core.
Until I learned how masterfully manipulative the alcoholic mind can be - not just with my feelings, but also with their own - I continued to be surprised, and continued to believe what I wanted to believe instead of what my heart knew.
Al-Anon helped me a great deal, as did personal counseling.
I'm glad you are finding therapy useful for you. I hope it is individual therapy as well as couples therapy.
You've reached a good place - welcome.
I just wanted to welcome you to SR. This is a great community, as you're already discovering. That's not to say that they'll always tell you what you want to hear -- but responses will be honest, varied, and with your best interest in mind.
I too am far from any supporting family and was also in a relationship where I was 100% certain my partner wouldn't be unfaithful, where we had deep, heartfelt, supportive conversations, and where I was absolutely sure our bond could save us from any obstacle that might come.
It was an enormous surprise to me to find out that you can be in a relationship seemingly made in heaven (based on the above) and still suffer from another's poor choices: lies, infidelity, substance abuse. It shakes your faith in your own powers of judgment to the core.
Until I learned how masterfully manipulative the alcoholic mind can be - not just with my feelings, but also with their own - I continued to be surprised, and continued to believe what I wanted to believe instead of what my heart knew.
Al-Anon helped me a great deal, as did personal counseling.
I'm glad you are finding therapy useful for you. I hope it is individual therapy as well as couples therapy.
You've reached a good place - welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Thanks Givelove
I appreciate honesty. You and everyone else reading this have gone through the issues before I. Sometimes the mind does not think straight.
I know she feels awful about what she did. Her therapist talks about the one night stand as a "cry for help." There is a lot of emotional baggage that she pushed down inside her, and was using alcohol as a form of self-medication, to help her deal with her pain.
Do the actions of a alcoholic define who she is? No idea generally, but for my wife specifically, I believe she is not that person. 36 days sober and counting.
Maybe I am in denial. i don't know.
Does that include the mind of the sober alcoholic? My heart's telling me she wants to repair the damage she caused, and that she loves me and our family. As long as she remains sober and straight I know that to be the case.
Thanks - I came from a place where therapy was frowned upon (deal with the emotions yourself). If nothing else it lets you talk openly about stuff with a preofessional.
I can't recommend it enough.
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
tigerfan,
I just wanted to welcome you to SR. This is a great community, as you're already discovering. That's not to say that they'll always tell you what you want to hear -- but responses will be honest, varied, and with your best interest in mind.
I just wanted to welcome you to SR. This is a great community, as you're already discovering. That's not to say that they'll always tell you what you want to hear -- but responses will be honest, varied, and with your best interest in mind.
Originally Posted by GiveLove
I too am far from any supporting family and was also in a relationship where I was 100% certain my partner wouldn't be unfaithful, where we had deep, heartfelt, supportive conversations, and where I was absolutely sure our bond could save us from any obstacle that might come.
It was an enormous surprise to me to find out that you can be in a relationship seemingly made in heaven (based on the above) and still suffer from another's poor choices: lies, infidelity, substance abuse. It shakes your faith in your own powers of judgment to the core.
It was an enormous surprise to me to find out that you can be in a relationship seemingly made in heaven (based on the above) and still suffer from another's poor choices: lies, infidelity, substance abuse. It shakes your faith in your own powers of judgment to the core.
Do the actions of a alcoholic define who she is? No idea generally, but for my wife specifically, I believe she is not that person. 36 days sober and counting.
Maybe I am in denial. i don't know.
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Until I learned how masterfully manipulative the alcoholic mind can be - not just with my feelings, but also with their own - I continued to be surprised, and continued to believe what I wanted to believe instead of what my heart knew.
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Al-Anon helped me a great deal, as did personal counseling.
I'm glad you are finding therapy useful for you. I hope it is individual therapy as well as couples therapy.
You've reached a good place - welcome.
I'm glad you are finding therapy useful for you. I hope it is individual therapy as well as couples therapy.
You've reached a good place - welcome.
I can't recommend it enough.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Yep - therapy, counseling, asking for help - all of these were no-nos in my upbringing. They meant you were weak and stupid. I'm so glad I chose to cross that taboo and get some counseling. It's one of the best things I ever did.
I think what Al-Anon might help you with is the concept of boundaries.
You have already set them for yourself: If you are unfaithful to me again, or if you start drinking again, for my own dignity and sanity I'm going to be forced to remove myself from this relationship. Do I have that right?
But what tends to happen, if alcoholics are not successful in recovering, or if this "cry for help" turns out to be more of a pattern of disrespect, is we reach our boundary's edge but we don't want to follow through. There are several members you'll read about here who want the suffering to end, but can't bring themselves to leave. I wouldn't want to see you added to that list. Heck, I don't want to see THEM on that list
There are countless people trapped in these endless roller-coaster relationships of damage, reconciliation, recovery, relapse, damage, reconciliation.....
As long as you are willing & able to follow through and protect yourself in the future, then you have nothing to fear. Just keep being a person of integrity and be sure to keep the focus on YOU. When it comes down to it, your life and your choices are the only things you can really control.
Hang in there and keep on putting one foot in front of the other, tigerfan.
By the way, which tigers?
I think what Al-Anon might help you with is the concept of boundaries.
You have already set them for yourself: If you are unfaithful to me again, or if you start drinking again, for my own dignity and sanity I'm going to be forced to remove myself from this relationship. Do I have that right?
But what tends to happen, if alcoholics are not successful in recovering, or if this "cry for help" turns out to be more of a pattern of disrespect, is we reach our boundary's edge but we don't want to follow through. There are several members you'll read about here who want the suffering to end, but can't bring themselves to leave. I wouldn't want to see you added to that list. Heck, I don't want to see THEM on that list
There are countless people trapped in these endless roller-coaster relationships of damage, reconciliation, recovery, relapse, damage, reconciliation.....
As long as you are willing & able to follow through and protect yourself in the future, then you have nothing to fear. Just keep being a person of integrity and be sure to keep the focus on YOU. When it comes down to it, your life and your choices are the only things you can really control.
Hang in there and keep on putting one foot in front of the other, tigerfan.
By the way, which tigers?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Raleigh,NC.
Posts: 10
I am currently dealing with infidelity right now. I am going crazy in my mind about it...I just think about my AW with another man...and it kills me. I moved out of the house last Friday and she is already seeking the arms of another man after we have been together for 14 years. Any advise to ease the pain would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by KeviKev
I am currently dealing with infidelity right now. I am going crazy in my mind about it...I just think about my AW with another man...and it kills me. I moved out of the house last Friday and she is already seeking the arms of another man after we have been together for 14 years. Any advise to ease the pain would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Yep - therapy, counseling, asking for help - all of these were no-nos in my upbringing. They meant you were weak and stupid. I'm so glad I chose to cross that taboo and get some counseling. It's one of the best things I ever did.
I think what Al-Anon might help you with is the concept of boundaries.
You have already set them for yourself: If you are unfaithful to me again, or if you start drinking again, for my own dignity and sanity I'm going to be forced to remove myself from this relationship. Do I have that right?
But what tends to happen, if alcoholics are not successful in recovering, or if this "cry for help" turns out to be more of a pattern of disrespect, is we reach our boundary's edge but we don't want to follow through. There are several members you'll read about here who want the suffering to end, but can't bring themselves to leave. I wouldn't want to see you added to that list. Heck, I don't want to see THEM on that list
There are countless people trapped in these endless roller-coaster relationships of damage, reconciliation, recovery, relapse, damage, reconciliation.....
As long as you are willing & able to follow through and protect yourself in the future, then you have nothing to fear. Just keep being a person of integrity and be sure to keep the focus on YOU. When it comes down to it, your life and your choices are the only things you can really control.
Hang in there and keep on putting one foot in front of the other, tigerfan.
By the way, which tigers?
I think what Al-Anon might help you with is the concept of boundaries.
You have already set them for yourself: If you are unfaithful to me again, or if you start drinking again, for my own dignity and sanity I'm going to be forced to remove myself from this relationship. Do I have that right?
But what tends to happen, if alcoholics are not successful in recovering, or if this "cry for help" turns out to be more of a pattern of disrespect, is we reach our boundary's edge but we don't want to follow through. There are several members you'll read about here who want the suffering to end, but can't bring themselves to leave. I wouldn't want to see you added to that list. Heck, I don't want to see THEM on that list
There are countless people trapped in these endless roller-coaster relationships of damage, reconciliation, recovery, relapse, damage, reconciliation.....
As long as you are willing & able to follow through and protect yourself in the future, then you have nothing to fear. Just keep being a person of integrity and be sure to keep the focus on YOU. When it comes down to it, your life and your choices are the only things you can really control.
Hang in there and keep on putting one foot in front of the other, tigerfan.
By the way, which tigers?
I don't want to be on that list as well. The pain cuts too deep.
Thanks for your advice on Al-Anon. Meetings are not very convenient for me on the weekend. I see a good time on Monday and will go then.
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