when will the sun shine?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
when will the sun shine?
I,m feeling resentful, jealous and angry. Due to ad. as you know I have had guardianship of her 2 girls. one for 5 yrs. ad has been pretty much out of her daughters life for 41/2 yrs.She got arrested for dealing and spent 6 months behind bars. During those 41/2 yrs I spent many hours and money helping gd through the crack ordeal. When ad got arrested she started writing and calling me and her daughter almost everyday. gd was thrilled to be able to communicate with her mom. Now mom is out and still calls her daughter everyday and stop by once in awhile to see her (at her convenience) It is hard raising teens as many parents know. It's a diificult stage to get through. I know all teens complain about parental rules etc etc. My problem is I don't get support from ad. It's as though I have 2 teens ganging up! as feels she can undermine my rules to her daughter. When I question her about it she say"I can accept the boundaries, but I don't have to agree with them" which she relates back to her daughter. For instance there is a 10 pm curfew on weekends. gd complains to mom and mom will say "well, gramma wants to control your life" She's like her daughters best friend, the cool mom. I can't say "butt out" as she will go right to gd and tell here. I know I can't change ad, but how do I change my own self about this? Right now, ad is homeless, jobless and a felon. She plans to move 60 mi away to stay with a friend if the job goes through. but it,s not going to stop the phone calls and I can't say she is not allowed to talk to her daughter as that would hurt gd. When ad was in jail she always would say how thankful she is and would even tell gd taht she is so fortunate to have a gramma like me. Now that she's out the tune has changed. Ad claims to be clean for 8 months (6 of it in jail) I no longer believe it. even though she is on probation, they know how to get around it, from what I heard. Thanks again to all, This site has been my connection to sanity. I,m not alone
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
The sun is shining!!!!
Dealt with that with my son's AD. I had to let my son see it on his own - bit my tounge, kept my opinions to myself and let him learn on his own. Yeah his dad was cool - 45 yo - living in his parents basement - no job - no car - no money - REALLY COOL guy because he let him do whatever he wanted. I stepped back and let him learn on his own. He eventually caught on and now doesnt want to see his dad. Its funny but now he would rather be with me and all my rules becuase i'm the one he knows really cares about him.
Maybe its time for GD to go visit mom at her home (or lack thereof) - see where mom's rules will get her. You dont have to lecture during the visit or even tell her why - it will merely plant the seed in GD's mind.
Above all - it doesnt matter what mom says since she's not going to be living with her. Your house - your rules. so, Cowgirl up!!!!
Dealt with that with my son's AD. I had to let my son see it on his own - bit my tounge, kept my opinions to myself and let him learn on his own. Yeah his dad was cool - 45 yo - living in his parents basement - no job - no car - no money - REALLY COOL guy because he let him do whatever he wanted. I stepped back and let him learn on his own. He eventually caught on and now doesnt want to see his dad. Its funny but now he would rather be with me and all my rules becuase i'm the one he knows really cares about him.
Maybe its time for GD to go visit mom at her home (or lack thereof) - see where mom's rules will get her. You dont have to lecture during the visit or even tell her why - it will merely plant the seed in GD's mind.
Above all - it doesnt matter what mom says since she's not going to be living with her. Your house - your rules. so, Cowgirl up!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Your granddaughter is so fortunate to have you, but she is still going to suffer from her mother's actions. At least your granddaughter has you for a soft place to fall. You can only do YOUR best. You can't make anyone else (meaning AD) do their best. I know it must be hard when you are getting imput that you don't want or need. Just continue being that stable influence in your granddaughter's life. Just like you could not choose your daughter's path, ultimately you can't choose your granddaughter's path in this life. You can only keep your side of the street clean and know that sometimes even your best will not be enough. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Katie.....what a lucky girl to have a grandmother like you! I can only say that since it is your house, your rules apply for both your gd and your ad.
You are doing your best, and that's a fine job! Hugs, HG
You are doing your best, and that's a fine job! Hugs, HG
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Hugs to you! I know teenage girls are very hard, even without the addiction problems of her mother. I found that out with my daughter which she was just out right defiant. I think just always reminded her how much you love her and even if she doesn't see that your rules are placed not to hurt her they are placed to protect and do what you think is best for her. You are dealing with her hormones at this age also which can be just as bad as drugs sometimes. Your g-daughter will figure out in her time that her mother not doing what is best for her, this will take a while since teens like to use and twist things/ rules for their own desires. There is not much you can do about her talking to her mother, but be there to support her when things fall apart which the way it sounds they will.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
One of the harder concepts for me to embrace in my recovery as I work the Naranon program is "what other people think of me is none of my business." But with time and practice and lots of reading here and recovery books and lots of meetings and sharing with others in my group, I started realizing that I had choices. I was in darkness because I let myself stay there. When I reached for those with light to share the light with me, I started feeling better. When I realized that as I established boundaries that were healthy for me, those who were used to having their way all the time would not feel like I was their best buddy any longer and they would not like me. I had to weigh what was better...Keep my physical and emotional health, stop enabling poor behavior and keeping the addiction dance going and get to a place where I have my own light and can share it, or stay in the darkness, feel sick and miserable, but believe that those who I allow to take advantage of me still "like" me.
It's hard work...keep coming back, and just for today, I hope you can focus on the light. It's there if we seek it.
It's hard work...keep coming back, and just for today, I hope you can focus on the light. It's there if we seek it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
thanks for your wonderful encouraging support. It is so wonderful that I can talk to people who know what it's all about. About a year ago I was paying 120.00 an hour to talk to someone. I get much more out of this site!!!! You understand and that's so important. 
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Katie)))
I live with my dad, stepmom and 15-year-old niece, Brit. Stepmom has guardianship of my niece, but we are raising her..her mom died when she was a baby, "dad" is an addict.
From the time Brit was a baby, we allowed her to see her "dad", when he wasn't in jail, even though we didn't like it. We never bad mouthed him. He filled her head with promises, which were almost always broken. His dad and stepmom were huge enablers, and have been pretty manipulative of Brit.
She is now 15. She wants nothing to do with her dad, but we know this may change. He's told her it's "okay to smoke pot", stolen money from her to buy meth, and driven her and her cousin (who lost HER dad to an overdose) down the road, in the dark with no headlights, at 90mph, while drinking (didn't know this 'til months later).
Brit found out what her "dad" was like on her own. He tried to sue us for custody and they laughed him out of court. He owes us over $15,000 in child support. He has given up rights on his other 2 daughters.
The reason I'm telling you all this, is Brit went through the phase of thinking he was "cool" for a long time, too. I had a long talk with her, and she admitted that if we had told her the TRUTH about him, she wouldn't have believed us...she had to figure it out on her own.
She is also, now, full of anger at him, so I've talked to her about forgiveness, and how she needs to do it for HER.
I know how hard it is to be in the position you're in. I used to cring any time Brit would talk to her "dad". I'm glad she doesn't want to, right now, but I know that if he were to promise to get her a car, that would change, because that's what she really wants right now. Hopefully, he'll stay locked up for while
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I live with my dad, stepmom and 15-year-old niece, Brit. Stepmom has guardianship of my niece, but we are raising her..her mom died when she was a baby, "dad" is an addict.
From the time Brit was a baby, we allowed her to see her "dad", when he wasn't in jail, even though we didn't like it. We never bad mouthed him. He filled her head with promises, which were almost always broken. His dad and stepmom were huge enablers, and have been pretty manipulative of Brit.
She is now 15. She wants nothing to do with her dad, but we know this may change. He's told her it's "okay to smoke pot", stolen money from her to buy meth, and driven her and her cousin (who lost HER dad to an overdose) down the road, in the dark with no headlights, at 90mph, while drinking (didn't know this 'til months later).
Brit found out what her "dad" was like on her own. He tried to sue us for custody and they laughed him out of court. He owes us over $15,000 in child support. He has given up rights on his other 2 daughters.
The reason I'm telling you all this, is Brit went through the phase of thinking he was "cool" for a long time, too. I had a long talk with her, and she admitted that if we had told her the TRUTH about him, she wouldn't have believed us...she had to figure it out on her own.
She is also, now, full of anger at him, so I've talked to her about forgiveness, and how she needs to do it for HER.
I know how hard it is to be in the position you're in. I used to cring any time Brit would talk to her "dad". I'm glad she doesn't want to, right now, but I know that if he were to promise to get her a car, that would change, because that's what she really wants right now. Hopefully, he'll stay locked up for while
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 131
thanks impurrfect, I,m hoping its a fantasy stage. I don't want to say anything negative about her mom, as she is her mom. It's most likely jealousy I feel. That someone who has not been there for her 5yrs also sudden is the most wonderful person. Her mom is here now and they are laying up in gd bedroom watching a movie and laughing. I will stay here and keep reading SR. ad is homeless now and jobless, I don't know where she stayed last nite and truthfully I don't care. She asked to come here 3 hrs ago and take a shower, she has not left. It looks like she made this her day hang out. I can't tell her "time to go" as again "grandaughter.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Katie53
Kids need (and really do want) rules and boundaries. I believe that our job as parents (or grandparents if you are raising the child) is to set and enforce these rules and boundaries. They don't need "cool" parents, they need caring parents.
They may not see it now, but later in life they will understand you had to be the "parent" early in their life, and later, when they are adults, we will be the "cool" parent, and most important, their "friend".
Hang in there, and stick to your guns!
Kids need (and really do want) rules and boundaries. I believe that our job as parents (or grandparents if you are raising the child) is to set and enforce these rules and boundaries. They don't need "cool" parents, they need caring parents.
They may not see it now, but later in life they will understand you had to be the "parent" early in their life, and later, when they are adults, we will be the "cool" parent, and most important, their "friend".
Hang in there, and stick to your guns!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Kids do need rules and discipline. My stepmom doesn't discipline Brit, at all. Dad has tried, but as soon as he is out of the house, stepmom lets her do what she wants. As a result, we have a very foul-mouthed, spoiled 15-year-old who doesn't have a clue about consequences.
I started teaching her about consequences, when I could. I can't control how she talks to my stepmom (it's really bad, but stepmom allows it). I told Brit that if I heard her talking like that, she can deal with MY consequences. It can be anything from the silent treatment from me (she hates that) to me not doing something for her that she asks (bring her home dinner from work, take her to her friends, etc.). At first, it really angered her. Now, she is more aware of what she says and how she says it.
I told her she could get mad at me, all she wants...she just needs to remember that what I do, I do out of love. I've also explained that when she gets out in the "real world", no one else is going to put up with what stepmom has.
She does get angry, and she does want to hang around with people who are "fun". But she respects me, more than anyone in the family, and when things are going crazy around here, I'm the one she comes to. She LOVES my stepmom (her grandmother), but she has no respect for her, at all.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I started teaching her about consequences, when I could. I can't control how she talks to my stepmom (it's really bad, but stepmom allows it). I told Brit that if I heard her talking like that, she can deal with MY consequences. It can be anything from the silent treatment from me (she hates that) to me not doing something for her that she asks (bring her home dinner from work, take her to her friends, etc.). At first, it really angered her. Now, she is more aware of what she says and how she says it.
I told her she could get mad at me, all she wants...she just needs to remember that what I do, I do out of love. I've also explained that when she gets out in the "real world", no one else is going to put up with what stepmom has.
She does get angry, and she does want to hang around with people who are "fun". But she respects me, more than anyone in the family, and when things are going crazy around here, I'm the one she comes to. She LOVES my stepmom (her grandmother), but she has no respect for her, at all.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
When you say Ad is homeless, is she literally staying in the streets or is she crashing at someone else's place?
If she it literally living on the streets, I would find out where, and take your grand daughter to see it. (depending on the age of gd - I missed that if you posted it). This would be an eye opener for her.
If she it literally living on the streets, I would find out where, and take your grand daughter to see it. (depending on the age of gd - I missed that if you posted it). This would be an eye opener for her.
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