My story

Old 02-20-2009, 09:04 PM
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My story

I am married to an alcoholic. When I met him in 2004 he was honest with me about his past, which included alcohol and drug abuse. However, he had been clean and sober for 4 or 5 years when we first started dating. Both of his parents were alcoholics; his mother died 10 years ago and his father died last year.

Initially I was hesitant to be involved with him, but as I came to know him I felt he had so many good qualities about him (and still does). I guess I became too comfortable with his sobriety to believe he would ever do anything to jeopardize our relationship. We married in 2005, me with the understanding that he could never promise he would never drink again, and he with the understanding that alcoholic behavior was a deal breaker for me. Our Pastor understood and supported my position.

Everything was great until late 2007. His father lived with us for a while. He was being treated for cancer and had surgery in September of that year. My husband has always had issues with his father, and I found out why. Anyway, my husband was in a dead-end job and decided that he was going to apply to some companies in California (computer industry). He was offered a position and accepted. His dad did not want to move to CA so he went back to Texas. They both left the same day in the beginning of November, and I stayed behind to get our house ready to sell.

In March 2008, we had a firm offer on the house so I shipped our belongings to CA, and he flew back to PA and we drove cross country. I was not in CA for a month when I caught him drinking. I was devastated. Then the lies began. He said he started drinking the day before he left for PA. I found out later that he started drinking in December 2007 and not March 2008. I decided to stay and forgive him. He promised to go to AA but never followed through. In short, I caught him two more times after that, was sick of the lies, so I quit my job, packed my stuff and left him. I went back to PA and stayed with my mother who was furious with what he had done.

After I left he started attending AA daily, got a sponsor and was in counseling. After a 3.5 month separation we decided to reconcile. He promised he would continue doing what he had been doing in order to stay sober. I came back 2 days before he was scheduled for surgery which had him on crutches for 6 weeks. He never would have been able to get through it if I hadn't come back. Due to his inability to walk he was not able to attend meetings regularly so he slacked off. I expressed my concerns about this long after he was back to his regular activity level, but he assured me he discussed it with his sponsor as to how many meetings he should attend.

To make a long story short, I caught him drinking again last night. He claims he had 2 half pints of vodka hidden that he bought before I left him and that he happen to find them last night. He took one of them with him when he went to an AA meeting last night and drank it on the way home. The other bottle I found hidden in the pocket of his bathrobe. He intended to drink it if he had a hangover this morning.

Of course today he is remorseful, says he's a sorry SOB and offered to find his own apartment. He says he would rather let me go than to subject me to that again. I do love him, but what's more important is that I really like him...a lot, and don't want anything bad to happen to him. By the same token, I feel that if he's going to let his life go down the toilet I was not going to let him take me down as well.

So, that's it in a nutshell. There's more to it but this is pretty much the gist of the situation. Any comments or insight is greatly welcomed.
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Old 02-21-2009, 12:39 AM
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I know what it's like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Things are fine, and then...
I'ts stressful, to say the least, and once the cycle of sobriety and relapse starts to get going, it's not likely to stop itself. Which means more high highs, and low lows.
Your AH has slipped several times now, and is back to being an active alcoholic. It;s back to square one for him in terms of healing. I have the feeling he's using his sober time as a kind of sober-man's collateral, meaning he's hanging on to his self image as a person in recovery.
It may take a long time for him to admit to his real status: A couple of days sober, or still drunk, 30 days from his first AA chip, starting whenever he's ready, which could be never.
Which leaves you in limbo, as no one knows what's ahead.
My sincere advice is: don't waste too much of your time or spirit waiting for him to get back to the reality you remember marrying into.
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Old 02-21-2009, 08:37 AM
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Hi SJLady -- glad you found SR -- I'm new here as well and it has been a source of comfort and strength for me. The stickies at the top of the forum page have been very helpful to me.

Your story is very similar to mine, I have been doing "the dance" for almost 27 years now. My husband is a great guy -- kind, loving, was a good father, -- but there is another person in there that I don't know -- the addict. It wasn't as bad in the beginning, the last 10 years have been the worst -- the disease progressing without the treatment it needs. My husband is moving out next week and I'm scare, devestated and relieved.

I work with sexually abused women who have many times also suffered domestic violence. There is a "cycle of abuse" that we refer to when working with survivors. I have come to realize (even though I have never experienced physical or sexual abuse at the hands of my husband -- but definitely emotional abuse) that the cycle parallels what I have lived with with an addict.

It starts with "the incident" -- something happens, an event, a beating (a binge). There is chaos, hurt feelings, possibly injuries, emotional pain

There is then the "making up phase" -- they say sorry, it will never happen again, it's not as bad as you think, it didn't really happen the way we say, they may blame us (mine would tell me it's because I'm never "intimate" with him and he feels rejected therefore he drinks). They become the "victim"

The next phase is the "calm" stage -- everything goes back to "normal", status quo, some of of the promises made in the making up phase may be met, they may act like it never happened -- don't want to be reminded of the incident, we have great "hope" that it is over -- they have seen the light -- this time is different, they may bring us flowers or gifts -- we see a glimpse of who we married

Next comes the "tension building phase" -- we can feel a tension building (with me, I knew his binges were every 4-6 weeks), we walk on eggshells not wanting to make them mad which could be a trigger, they may pick arguments with us, there can be a breakdown in communication, we try to be "peacemakers" keeping everything calm.

Then the cycle starts all over again. This cycle can move back and forth in between the stages. It can take months to cycle through or days or weeks -- every situation is different.

What I came to realize is that I was not only living with an addict but I was living this cycle. I had lost myself and was only focused on him. He became my project and I was not going to let this disease win. In the end, it has. I made him my priority and all I was was an option to him.

He HAS to want recovery (even though we want nothing more in the world for them than that). Your job is to take care of yourself. What is good for you. Coming here for support is a great start. Many here will tell you of the benefits of Alanon and counselling. I have yet to get to a face to face alanon meeting but often go to online meetings. Counselling is helping. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can only take care of yourself.

I know how painful this can be. I also know how important it is to try to think about you and not how he behaves. If you don't, you become lost in his disease and it will make you sick.

I hope you continue to read here -- there are many who have the same experiences and it has helped me to not feel so alone -- that there are people who understand only as they can -- from experience.
take care of you
Laurie
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Old 02-21-2009, 10:56 AM
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Thank you both for taking the time to reply and for your insight and advice. He hasn't had anymore to drink since I busted him the other night. I insisted he attend AA daily, as did his sponsor, and I also let him know that if he intends to throw his life down the toilet, he wasn't taking me with him. Believe me, I can tolerate things for so long before calling it quits. I am willing to offer as much support as I can, but by the same token I realize that I can't fix him and if he wants to stay sober, he has to do the work.

His biggest problem is that he lets his pride get in the way of recovery. It's almost as though he's offended that he has to attend AA daily in order to stay sober. Well it was working for him, so he knows what he has to do. He'll tell me about this speaker or that speaker that's been sober 27 years, and I pointed out that yes, they may be sober, but they're still attending meetings.

I also told him last night that if there was any more alcohol hidden in the house and he finds it, I expect, not hope but EXPECT that he will turn it over to me. He said that while I was gone he had a fifth of vodka and he has no idea what happened to it. He never found the empty bottle, so it's quite possible it's around here somewhere.

Oh well, one day at a time, huh?
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Old 02-21-2009, 08:34 PM
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Welcome to SR, I think you sould get to a alanon meeting, you need support, besides this place allanon is the best place to get some
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Old 02-21-2009, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by SJLady View Post
His biggest problem is that he lets his pride get in the way of recovery. It's almost as though he's offended that he has to attend AA daily in order to stay sober. Well it was working for him, so he knows what he has to do.
I'm sorry to hear that one of his character defects is getting in the way of his recovery. I suffered a great deal of pride when I first started attending Al-Anon. My husband wasn't like the rest of the losers the people in the meeting discussed. I was not at my bottom. I had a nice house. A secure job. My husband only got drunk after 6 pm, etc. etc.

He knows what he has to do. It's his choice as to whether or not he does it. Are you doing all you can for yourself? I sure hope so, because you deserve a serene and peaceful life .... regardless of his mindset or his circumstances.
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