hopefulone

Can someone please remind me why addicts/alcoholics are emotionally unavailable and unble to love? I need to keep reminding myself that my father, my ex drug addict husband AND my ex alcoholic boyfriend are not capable of loving me the way I loved/love them. It is so hard to watch my exab datin someone new. I keep fantasizing that he is going to fall madly in love with her and vice versa and she will give him all the things he didn't find in me. Oh did I mention that she drinks too AND I think she is married. UGHH Seeing her go in his house is torture but I have to keep myself on my trck to recovery and remember all the reasons why he is no good for me! I just need some reminders on why my dad, exH and exB can't ever give me what I need as long as drugs or alcohol are in their lives. NOt being an alcoholic, I can't understand that. Uhhh that is my codependent illness!

suzieq1972

To be able to love others, you have to first be able to love yourself. If addicts loved themselves they wouldn't destroy their bodies with drugs and alcohol.

Being co-dependents we think we have to have someone else love us. We have to learn to love ourselves before we can begin to have a healthy relationship.




Sue

freya

The passage below is from this article: Addiction, Lies and Relationships

As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.

freya

Daisy30

Yes, because they love their addiction more...


Please focus on your recovery. So what if he is happy with someone else? That is not your concern. Your recovery and loving you should be your primary focus.

KenL

I know that when I was married and drinking I would intentionally find things to do in the garage so that I could drink. You see, I knew my wife wouldn't go out there. Of course I could have been inside with her watching a movie or playing cards or any number of things. Things that were an investment in our relationship. That didn't matter to me. In fact, I didn't even think about investing in the relationship. I just wanted to have my alcohol and be left alone for a while. Sad but true.

Ken

hopefulone

Rejection is my core issue and I am always hurt when I perceive that someone has rejected me. It is a good reminder for me that he first rejected me for alcohol. I feel good this morning and all of your comments help me to focus on me and my recovery, as hard as it is! Thank yoU!!!

goodlukchrm

1

goodlukchrm

Hopefulone, I feel where you are coming from. I have come to the realization that my abf loves his alcohol more than me. I believe I have to move on now. I refuse to be second to beer. Yes, I feel the rejection too. What a blow to my self esteem to think I am second choice to anything, let alone alcohol. Hopefulone, we deserve better.