Hello, I'm a newbie

Old 02-20-2009, 02:12 PM
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Hello, I'm a newbie

Hello everyone,
I am the parent of an adult son with an addiction to cocaine. He is also in trouble with the law now and on 3 yrs probation. He is going to counseling and classes but every so often he is still falling off the wagon. He is now trying to get into rehab because if he doesn't they will put out a warrant for his arrest and provoke his bail!
My son came from a good home with loving parents and 2 wonderful supportive sisters! We have done everything we could to stand by him and support him to the fullest! I especially am at my wit's end being his Mother and still feeling the need to protect him and keep him safe. It's taking it's toll on me, they're are days I cry constantly and can't get out of bed or even function. I am frightened to death. The thought of him being sent to prison is terrifying me. I don't think I can deal with it!
I am so glad I found this site, hoping it gives me the support I need to get through this terrible nightmare!
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Old 02-20-2009, 02:24 PM
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Welcome! And I hope you stay active... this is a great place to get CORRECT information on how to handle the addicts in our lives. I'll warn you now, it won't be easy. It'll be TOUGH! But if you're tenacious, you'll see results.
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Old 02-20-2009, 03:08 PM
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Welcome to SR! I hope that you will read the stickies at the top & other posts. Lots of parents of adult addicts here, me included. My daughters DOC (drug of choice) is crack. She has been on probation, still is, has gone to jail, has gone to rehab. The absolute best thing you can do is learn the 3 c's
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it

I only have one child, and yes, I blamed myself, then I found Al-anon & Nar-anon & SR. Found out it wasn't my fault, as I like to say I taught her to cross the street & tie her shoes, but not once did I teach her to use drugs. The last time I talked to her (Monday evening) she had almost 90 days clean. I can only get out of her way & pray that she will remain clean & sober. And honestly, if I could have loved her clean, I would have done it. But it doesn't work that way, the A needs to hit there bottom, and decide for themselves that they have had enough. The more we do for them, enabling (paying bills, fines, lawyers, cash for anything) the more harm we do, because we are actually standing in their way of hitting their bottom.

My daughter also comes from a stable family, her D & I have been married 38yrs, no drug or alcohol, or any other type of abuse, but this did not keep her from becoming an addict.

I would also suggest that you try to find some meetings (Al-anon/Nar-anon/CoDa) in your area. These meetings are for YOU, so that you can learn how to live a more peaceful life.

I know that this is not what you want to hear, however, it is said with caring & understanding.

Hugs & Prayers for you & your family.
Chris
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Old 02-20-2009, 03:09 PM
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Welcome, You found the perfect site for support. I know just how you feel, having the same problem with my 17 year old. Soon others will be here to give you some great support and insight. (((hugs)))
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Old 02-20-2009, 03:19 PM
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Drug addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. It does not matter whether or not you were perfect parents. Your son has somehow inherited the addict gene and when he tried his first hit of cocaine he triggered the addict inside of him. My daughter is my addict. Her DOC is heroin. She currently has almost 9 months clean. But we went through h*ll with her for many years before she decided that she had had enough. The one thing that I did for me was to learn to love her but let her go and give her to God. What I can't do, He can. If there are meetings (Alanon or Naranon) that you can attend, they will really help you to know that you are not alone. They will also help you see that no matter what your son is doing with his life, you don't have to live yours in misery. Welcome to SR. Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-20-2009, 04:01 PM
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Are you sure your name is not Maggiemac because your post sounds a lot like me. I found this site to late my son died of overdose. Be glad if he doesn't want to go to rehab he will go to jail at least he will be alive and maybe even wake him up to just stop the drugs. Keep coming here and reading the people here know everything about addiction, jail, tough love, letting go. We mothers just love to much and their are times we have to think about our selves getting through all this. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think my child would bring me so much pain. I will pray for you and your son. Keep posting and reading you are not alone we have all been through it.

Maggiemac
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Old 02-20-2009, 05:32 PM
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Thank all of you for your very honest but compassionate post! I am so glad I found this site! It's just what I needed. A place to be able to vent my real feelings and cry if I need to. There are days when I just don't think I can bear the pain any longer. My heart is just breaking! I honestly thought I could "fix" him but I am seeing more and more that I can't! He has to fix himself! I know he wants to but does he have the strength and the will to do it? I know I have to leave him in God's hands now!
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Old 02-20-2009, 06:23 PM
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"I don't think I can deal with it! " you can and you must.

The struggle we have as parents of addicts is to learn how to detach, how not to enable and how to have the life we are meant to have w/o going down with our child.

I have had to detach from my son for months at a time. However, whenever he was down and out enough to want rehab I helped him get into treatment because his mind was too muddled to figure it out on his own. However, I have paid for it three times now and if he relapses after this treatment I will not fund another one.
Keep faith, my son has been sober and in treatment a yr.

Working the 12 steps through alanon taught me a lot about myself It helped to put the focus back on my own life most of the time. It helped me improve all of my relationships.

there are lots of moms here. Keep coming back to share with us.
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Old 02-20-2009, 06:58 PM
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I am so sick and worried over him that my own life is practically non-existent.
The anxiety is so bad at times that I can barely cope with it. Sometimes I feel as if I am going to just collapse from the strain and stress I am experiencing! I just lie in bed and cry my heart out in desperation!
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Old 02-20-2009, 07:46 PM
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OOOhhh Sugah13 , I know so well what you are saying. We are in the same boat with our sons, mine is 17 and he is addicted to any and everything he can get his hands on. Like your son we have done nothing but love him, perfect home life (that is what made it so hard for me to understand). He has been arrested this is his 3rd time 2 for drugs 1 for stealing our jewelry (over $5,000 to sell for drugs). He is going to face charges and we are not sure if he will be placed in rehab, boot camp or J. detention. I know if my son don't change we are looking at jail when he turns 18 in a few months.........I am scared to death...him he could care less. The person I talk to most of the time is not my son anymore, drugs have taken over.........it is heart breaking. I love this fourm because they make me rethink what I know is true, I can't help him. Only he can stop this when he is ready, not in my time, but his. So many of us know how you are feeling it hurts and we feel your pain, I hope it helps to know that you are really not alone. If we could fix this we wouldn't be here. ((((hugs))))
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Old 02-21-2009, 05:28 AM
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Sometimes its hard to reply to a thread when you hear yourself so much in it. I remember that time when i was so desperate to help my son - when every waking moment he was all that i thought of. I didnt sleep, I didnt eat, I did nothing but worry about him. For me, that time was when i did the most damage to my son. Trying to control, fix, and completely obsessed on him. In essence i was telling him that my happiness was reliant on his success - the more he failed the further we both sunk. That's a lot of pressure for me to put on someone else.

Once i was able to detach - which took a very long time and a lot of hard work/counseling - i was able to help him. My son makes the choice to use without any input from me therefore he will face his consequences on his own without me. My son has been hospitalized, jailed, and is finally in rehab. None of the places he has been has anything to do with me. If he doesnt like going to those places then he knows how to stop it. Sometimes jail is the safest place for them. I always sleep better when my son is locked up becuase that's the only time i dont feel like today could be the day he dies.

I also think that by showing him how i face adversity (which is him) I teach him valuable lessons. If mom shrinks away and gives up on life then its not much different then him giving up and using. I now try to lead by example instead of force. Showing him that we can rise above problems and that we dont have to let the situations in life control our happiness. I focused on myself and became stronger in turn, my son became more willing to listen to me and to trust my judgment - it hasnt fixed anything but it has made it easier for both of us when at least one of us is strong.

So you get a grip on yourself -get your life in order - regain your strength because in the end that's all that you can control. You will not get through this by giving up - you will get through this by finding every bit of strength you have left to get up and get on with your life. My son is responsible for his own happiness and I am responsible for my own. I must show him that happiness is a choice.
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Old 02-21-2009, 05:47 AM
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Remember that you have two daughters that need their mother. Although it may not feel like it now, your son has other resources except for you. Let him figure it out. He is a big boy. When we stop the crises from happening, when we fix things for them, we are taking away the opportunity for them to find the answers themselves. Addicts will let people take responsibility for them because it makes it easier for them to stay in denial and continue to use. Don't be that barrier between your son and his consequences. Your worrying yourself into a major health crisis will not stop him. Hugs, Marle
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Old 02-21-2009, 11:21 AM
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welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us too. this site saved my sanity. my son too is my addict. he has been on drugs since he was 21. he is now serving a 7-9 yr. prison sentence. he too was raised in a good home. he knew right from wrong. he made a bad choice by using the 1st time & keep on. he has been in rehabs & served his first prison term at age 22, all due to drugs. he has been in & out of jail & prison since then. i know your pain. he is now 37 yrs. old.. stay with us & i am here if i can help you. keep coming back. prayers going up for u & your son.
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