AH surprised me last night
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
AH surprised me last night
Some of you might have read that I sent AH a link to a center that does rehab with partial hospitalization/day treatment or outpatient. It's right by our house. Anyway, at first when he saw it he got really mad and said don't send him stuff like that anymore. I said that was fine. I was really pi**ed off, but held my tongue and made myself detach.
Anyway, last night I saw AH going back to look at the rehab site, and he told me that we would go over there this morning and talk to them. So I'm waiting for him to wake up and see if he meant it. A big factor is whether they will take his insurance (provided by the state, not private).
I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up. AH is always full of excuses why he can't do things, but I'm hoping he will go with an open mind like I will. I'm trying to be cool about it, but I'm afraid of what my reaction will be if it doesn't happen. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket and then be disappointed.
I think I will just pray to HP a little bit this morning that he will lead us both down the right path, even if it isn't the same path.
Anyway, last night I saw AH going back to look at the rehab site, and he told me that we would go over there this morning and talk to them. So I'm waiting for him to wake up and see if he meant it. A big factor is whether they will take his insurance (provided by the state, not private).
I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up. AH is always full of excuses why he can't do things, but I'm hoping he will go with an open mind like I will. I'm trying to be cool about it, but I'm afraid of what my reaction will be if it doesn't happen. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket and then be disappointed.
I think I will just pray to HP a little bit this morning that he will lead us both down the right path, even if it isn't the same path.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm glad you are staying sober and taking care of you.
There was a spark of hope last night when he looked at the website. Looking at a website in the comfort of your home is a lot easier than walking in the door or picking up the phone and placing a call for an appointment. Leave it on him.
In the meantime, what will you do today for you?
There was a spark of hope last night when he looked at the website. Looking at a website in the comfort of your home is a lot easier than walking in the door or picking up the phone and placing a call for an appointment. Leave it on him.
In the meantime, what will you do today for you?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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Thanks everyone. We did go over to the center this morning, but it turned out they were no longer offering the partial hospitalization program. I mentioned trying another facility, but AH says he wants to get a primary doctor and have the doctor help him through detox. Not sure how that is going to work, but I know I can't force the issue. In the meantime, he is back at the liquor store.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Glenna, I just want to share my own experience with what I went through. And it is similar to your situation to some degree. Whether we want to admit it or not, we REALLY do hinge our hopes and dreams on them getting sober.
My AH came out of his second detox/rehab in early April 2005. Within 45 days, he accepted another federal government position 2,300 miles from my home (where I had lived my entire life), bought a 34-foot R.V. to drive across country (he'd never operated one before), sold our house, sold his car, and got drop-dead stinkin' drunk the day he went to sign the settlement papers on the R.V.
I was enraged. I was betrayed. And I felt I, and a lot of well-meaning addictions counselors and his boss who went to great lengths to get him help, had been royally screwed.
I bit my tongue. I detached. I went along with his "grand plan." And here is what I finally learned, thanks to Al-Anon and a lot of counseling: I didn't figure into one damn thing that he did. Not a thing.
When I realized this, I quit hinging my hopes on his sobriety buying me a one-way ticket to hapiness. I quit waiting with baited breath that he would make the RIGHT decision. I quit investing my energy, my time, my well-being, my love, my aspirations, WHATEVER, in a drunk who wanted to be a drunk.
I hope and pray your AH will seek recovery. I wish that for every A who is shackled to the hell of addiction. But don't bet the farm on his sobriety. Leave him to do what he will do.
About two months ago, my AH staggered out into the family room and started the old cryin' routine: "I think I'm dying. I think I'm drinking myself to death." I suggested he get the Yellow Pages and look up a rehab center or call 911 for an ambulance if he felt that way. Why did he suddenly admit this? His boss was going to give him his yearly performance review (which I found out after-the-fact), and he was figuring if he got in trouble, he could play on my heart strings once again to help get him out of a jam.
It is no longer my concern, my business, or my problem. Do I sound callous? Yes, I suppose I do. But I learned that even though I am married to an addict, his addiction has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Nor does my hapiness.
I wish you all the best. But please consider getting into Al-Anon and/or counseling for yourself. And leave the addict to get sober or drink himself to his bottom - whatever that bottom may be.
My AH came out of his second detox/rehab in early April 2005. Within 45 days, he accepted another federal government position 2,300 miles from my home (where I had lived my entire life), bought a 34-foot R.V. to drive across country (he'd never operated one before), sold our house, sold his car, and got drop-dead stinkin' drunk the day he went to sign the settlement papers on the R.V.
I was enraged. I was betrayed. And I felt I, and a lot of well-meaning addictions counselors and his boss who went to great lengths to get him help, had been royally screwed.
I bit my tongue. I detached. I went along with his "grand plan." And here is what I finally learned, thanks to Al-Anon and a lot of counseling: I didn't figure into one damn thing that he did. Not a thing.
When I realized this, I quit hinging my hopes on his sobriety buying me a one-way ticket to hapiness. I quit waiting with baited breath that he would make the RIGHT decision. I quit investing my energy, my time, my well-being, my love, my aspirations, WHATEVER, in a drunk who wanted to be a drunk.
I hope and pray your AH will seek recovery. I wish that for every A who is shackled to the hell of addiction. But don't bet the farm on his sobriety. Leave him to do what he will do.
About two months ago, my AH staggered out into the family room and started the old cryin' routine: "I think I'm dying. I think I'm drinking myself to death." I suggested he get the Yellow Pages and look up a rehab center or call 911 for an ambulance if he felt that way. Why did he suddenly admit this? His boss was going to give him his yearly performance review (which I found out after-the-fact), and he was figuring if he got in trouble, he could play on my heart strings once again to help get him out of a jam.
It is no longer my concern, my business, or my problem. Do I sound callous? Yes, I suppose I do. But I learned that even though I am married to an addict, his addiction has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Nor does my hapiness.
I wish you all the best. But please consider getting into Al-Anon and/or counseling for yourself. And leave the addict to get sober or drink himself to his bottom - whatever that bottom may be.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
You're right, Prodigal. Even though I have been working on detachment at meetings (as well as working on myself), there is a certain degree of pinning my hopes on him getting sober. However, for all of his "quacking," he has been to only one meeting (which he followed with a pint of vodka) and has blown off several other scheduled meetings and made no effort whatsoever. He went to the liquor store twice yesterday, which is becoming a recent habit.
I have a meeting for myself tonight and can't wait. I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do. AH will do what he's going to do (or not do). I admit it's hard not to get sucked in, but I hope Al-Anon will help with that.
Thanks again.
I have a meeting for myself tonight and can't wait. I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do. AH will do what he's going to do (or not do). I admit it's hard not to get sucked in, but I hope Al-Anon will help with that.
Thanks again.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
My experience in getting sober, while AH kept drinking was that he rebelled like a spoiled child. He had lost his drinking partner and he went through anger, sorrow, anger, guilt, anger, etc....
This would be a good time to work on your boundaries. Know what you want for yourself, and be willing to stand up for yourself. You are worth the effort!
This would be a good time to work on your boundaries. Know what you want for yourself, and be willing to stand up for yourself. You are worth the effort!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
AH tells me I will never stick to the boundaries that I make and shouldn't even make them. So far, I have stayed with the small boundaries I put down last week (no drinking, no buying his liquor for him), but I think I'm afraid to put down the big ones because he is right.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Boundaries have been an issue for me for many years. Although he never said it out loud like your husband, mine KNEW I wouldn't keep the boundaries I set for myself either. Many a time, I have said that I would do things if his behaviour continued and then not follow through on them. It did damage to me, to him and to my kids. I don't just have a problem in my relationship with my husband setting and keeping boundaries, but in my other relationships as well (kids, work, friends). I didn't have a great teacher to help me realize even what a boundary is -- that's what I love about this place -- boundaries are encouraged, taught and challenged -- I LOVE THAT!!
I did, in the past couple of months, however reach my bottom. I found that it helped me to sit down and write out what I am willing to "put up with" and what are deal breakers for me. I am finding it easier to set those boundaries to protect myself and my children and I have done some things that have brought me great guilt (because they felt cruel and unnecessary for him). But it's not about him anymore. It's about what I need and want and deserve in my life. While this has ultimately resulted in our separation (he is there until March 1) which has brought up so many feelings for me, I know that it is the best thing in the long run. He no longer wants to live with a codie (as much as I don't want to live with an addict). It is still the hardest, most painful, scary thing I have ever done. But it's out of my control. I can't fix it. I can only consider what I want now. He was NEVER going to get better as long as I was making it ok for him to behave and treat me the way he was.
It is still my greatest wish that he gets the help he needs -- that losing his family and the home we built -- will be his rock bottom. I don't think it will be though. He may not be my husband any more, but he is still my children's father. I pray that he sees the light and doesn't continue to kill himself in front of our eyes. But I have no say in how he will do that -- I have to hand it over now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think boundaries aren't only to protect ourselves, although that is the main focus. Because I kept my word this time, he will suffer the consequences (debt, health, loss of all we built). Which is the best thing for him. So I do believe that my keeping my boundaries, will ultimately help the addict as well.
Sorry I'm so long winded .......... I just get going and can't seem to stop lol!
I did, in the past couple of months, however reach my bottom. I found that it helped me to sit down and write out what I am willing to "put up with" and what are deal breakers for me. I am finding it easier to set those boundaries to protect myself and my children and I have done some things that have brought me great guilt (because they felt cruel and unnecessary for him). But it's not about him anymore. It's about what I need and want and deserve in my life. While this has ultimately resulted in our separation (he is there until March 1) which has brought up so many feelings for me, I know that it is the best thing in the long run. He no longer wants to live with a codie (as much as I don't want to live with an addict). It is still the hardest, most painful, scary thing I have ever done. But it's out of my control. I can't fix it. I can only consider what I want now. He was NEVER going to get better as long as I was making it ok for him to behave and treat me the way he was.
It is still my greatest wish that he gets the help he needs -- that losing his family and the home we built -- will be his rock bottom. I don't think it will be though. He may not be my husband any more, but he is still my children's father. I pray that he sees the light and doesn't continue to kill himself in front of our eyes. But I have no say in how he will do that -- I have to hand it over now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think boundaries aren't only to protect ourselves, although that is the main focus. Because I kept my word this time, he will suffer the consequences (debt, health, loss of all we built). Which is the best thing for him. So I do believe that my keeping my boundaries, will ultimately help the addict as well.
Sorry I'm so long winded .......... I just get going and can't seem to stop lol!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
The small boundaries are a great start, you are doing a great job in sticking to them. Stopping your own cycle of drinking is a huge success! Take pride in what you have done for yourself.
Some of the other boundaries I set for myself were I would not be intimate with AH when he had been drinking more than a few. That became a blurry line, because he would guzzle beers before he came home and then only have one at home. I was trying to judge his buzz to determine if I wanted intimacy. Too much of me being involved in his drinking! So I went to a boundary of needing 24 hours of his being sober to enjoy intimacy and the after effects. I wanted to be able to remain affectionate later in the day/night or next day without booze breath on my partner. He got to pick the days. We did not enjoy a lot of success with that either, he would blame me or stress at work for lack of follow through on sober dates.
One boundary I was successful with was when he got "pissy" or as I referred to it: when he was an AH (other meaning, ends with Hole?!)
When he was pissy, I would call him on it. I would let him know I did not appreciate his pissyness and end our conversation.
My boundaries changed as I changed. I realized the weakness of some of my boundaries, I realized how I was being manipulated to feel guilty for making the bar too high, and I realized that my ultimate goal was progress - not perfection. I am a work in progress!
While we were together it helped me to allow him to make his mistakes, too. Allow him to be responsible for all of his own actions. Stop trying to prevent the next blackout drunk, stop trying to prevent a DUI, stop trying to keep the account from bouncing, stop trying to prevent late charges on his accounts, etc....
Those are boundaries too.
Some of the other boundaries I set for myself were I would not be intimate with AH when he had been drinking more than a few. That became a blurry line, because he would guzzle beers before he came home and then only have one at home. I was trying to judge his buzz to determine if I wanted intimacy. Too much of me being involved in his drinking! So I went to a boundary of needing 24 hours of his being sober to enjoy intimacy and the after effects. I wanted to be able to remain affectionate later in the day/night or next day without booze breath on my partner. He got to pick the days. We did not enjoy a lot of success with that either, he would blame me or stress at work for lack of follow through on sober dates.
One boundary I was successful with was when he got "pissy" or as I referred to it: when he was an AH (other meaning, ends with Hole?!)
When he was pissy, I would call him on it. I would let him know I did not appreciate his pissyness and end our conversation.
My boundaries changed as I changed. I realized the weakness of some of my boundaries, I realized how I was being manipulated to feel guilty for making the bar too high, and I realized that my ultimate goal was progress - not perfection. I am a work in progress!
While we were together it helped me to allow him to make his mistakes, too. Allow him to be responsible for all of his own actions. Stop trying to prevent the next blackout drunk, stop trying to prevent a DUI, stop trying to keep the account from bouncing, stop trying to prevent late charges on his accounts, etc....
Those are boundaries too.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Thanks Glenna -- this is a strong day -- I have "not so strong" days as well right now. That's what I love about SR. I can have a good day and find myself helping others or get the help I'm looking for on the bad days. I'm glad to have all of you out there that I can share my journey (of growing up!) with!
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