new here-terrible realization
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: snowy, PA
Posts: 7
new here-terrible realization
Hi all! I am so happy to have found SR. My ABF has gone into treatment about a week ago, and last night I had a thought that bothered me. After his 5 minute phone call of him telling me how ok he is and how good he doing, I became a little resentful. He always seemed fine and ok, I was the one that wasn't "doing good" or "feeling good" I was the one that was angry with him for his deceptions. And here he is getting help left and right and I am at home waiting for his call to tell me that. Then I felt guilty, of course, I should be happy he is trying! I shouldn't feel negatively about that! I am going to Al-anon and looking here for support, but am I twisted or what? Thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome!
Dealing with another's alcoholism affects us in oh so many ways. You have lots of reason to feel anger and resentment I'd bet. You can't expect that to just disappear. Keep reading and posting. This is a great place to work on you.
Dealing with another's alcoholism affects us in oh so many ways. You have lots of reason to feel anger and resentment I'd bet. You can't expect that to just disappear. Keep reading and posting. This is a great place to work on you.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I don't think you're twisted at all. I have actually found myself wishing I could be the addict instead of my ABF.
He gets to drink himself stupid and doesn't have to feel anything. If something happens to him he always finds someone else to blame. If he sees a consequence of his actions coming his way, he can always manipulate someone into taking it on for him.
He has a codependent to handle all of his affairs (me) and has a backup waiting in the wings if I refuse (his mother). He has no responsibilities outside of holding down a job and wiping his own behind, and there are times I question he makes any real effort at either.
All he would have to do is say he wants recovery, and he would get an all expense paid trip for 90 days away from the pitiful life he thinks he has.
Yeah, I wish I were the addict sometimes. Is that sick or what?
He gets to drink himself stupid and doesn't have to feel anything. If something happens to him he always finds someone else to blame. If he sees a consequence of his actions coming his way, he can always manipulate someone into taking it on for him.
He has a codependent to handle all of his affairs (me) and has a backup waiting in the wings if I refuse (his mother). He has no responsibilities outside of holding down a job and wiping his own behind, and there are times I question he makes any real effort at either.
All he would have to do is say he wants recovery, and he would get an all expense paid trip for 90 days away from the pitiful life he thinks he has.
Yeah, I wish I were the addict sometimes. Is that sick or what?
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
I hear about this all the time. Happened to me with my wife too.
Addiction is a family disease. Everyone is affected and everyone needs to recover.
Thing is, the one who was using gets professional help for 24-hours per day for a month or longer. It's extensive. The folks who don't go to treatment don't get that kind of medical treatment.
I was in treatment for 5 months. That's 5 months of 7-days per week counseling, psychotherapy, medication, total medical care, you name it. In addition, I could focus 100% on my recovery. I didn't have to go to work, prepare meals, pay bills, etc.
My wife, the whole time I was in treatment, got to go to one or two al-anon meetings a week. A couple hours per week, no professional medical/psych help of any kind. Plus she still had to deal with our son (effectively a single mom for that time), and the other rigors of daily life. She had hardly any time to dedicate to her recovery.
Addiction is a family disease. Everyone is affected and everyone needs to recover.
Thing is, the one who was using gets professional help for 24-hours per day for a month or longer. It's extensive. The folks who don't go to treatment don't get that kind of medical treatment.
I was in treatment for 5 months. That's 5 months of 7-days per week counseling, psychotherapy, medication, total medical care, you name it. In addition, I could focus 100% on my recovery. I didn't have to go to work, prepare meals, pay bills, etc.
My wife, the whole time I was in treatment, got to go to one or two al-anon meetings a week. A couple hours per week, no professional medical/psych help of any kind. Plus she still had to deal with our son (effectively a single mom for that time), and the other rigors of daily life. She had hardly any time to dedicate to her recovery.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I ask this will all sincerity and without malice....
justanothrdrunk, did you ever give your spouse 5 months to get herself together? Taking on the added responsibilities she had to take on for your time away.
I know it's been talked about on the forum about retreats for codies, enablers, and other friends and families of addicts, but is there anything in the rehab culture, or recovery process for addicts about holding down the fort, so to speak, while your spouse gets intensive recovery?
How can a spouse, significant other, or parent ever expect a relationship after rehab if they are stuck with all the real world pressures plus the added responsiblities as a single parent or sole breadwinner if applicable and recover enough working on it at best part time?
I think I'd be stuck in the same duality as neudayzahead with relief on one hand that he's in recovery but resentment that he's there getting the attention I diserve just as much.
I have no experience myself with rehab and this is my first attempt at seeking my own recovery, so I really do not know what goes on. Your experience from the other side is invaluable.
justanothrdrunk, did you ever give your spouse 5 months to get herself together? Taking on the added responsibilities she had to take on for your time away.
I know it's been talked about on the forum about retreats for codies, enablers, and other friends and families of addicts, but is there anything in the rehab culture, or recovery process for addicts about holding down the fort, so to speak, while your spouse gets intensive recovery?
How can a spouse, significant other, or parent ever expect a relationship after rehab if they are stuck with all the real world pressures plus the added responsiblities as a single parent or sole breadwinner if applicable and recover enough working on it at best part time?
I think I'd be stuck in the same duality as neudayzahead with relief on one hand that he's in recovery but resentment that he's there getting the attention I diserve just as much.
I have no experience myself with rehab and this is my first attempt at seeking my own recovery, so I really do not know what goes on. Your experience from the other side is invaluable.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
justanothrdrunk, did you ever give your spouse 5 months to get herself together? Taking on the added responsibilities she had to take on for your time away.
We wouldn't be able to get the same financial benefits for her.
Though she's always had the option to go to psychotherapy/counseling on an outpatient basis. But she opted not to.
Question for you - what if your SO was hospitalized for several months due to a serious illness or injury and you were on your own. Would you still feel the same way?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: snowy, PA
Posts: 7
I don't think that it's as easy as that. If my SO was in the hospital due to serious illness and while he was in the hospital for those several months or a month or whatever and part of his illness required aftercare and he was being fully prepared for said aftercare while he was hospitalized and I really wanted to be able to support and aid and be knowledgable and be the best ME I could be but couldn't for some reason or another, yeah I would be feeling the same way. Say he had to have a limb removed for some reason, and it would totally affect our routine, daily lives etc, but he was being prepared as much as possible for the effects that would have and I was left to wonder and hurt.... Again, I am new to all of this and just starting to see where I fit in. Sorry for the run on sentences!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Question for you - what if your SO was hospitalized for several months due to a serious illness or injury and you were on your own. Would you still feel the same way?
If my SO was hospitalized for several months for a serious injury or illness, and I was on my own suffering from an equally debilitating injury or illness, yes, I would feel the same way. If he had cancer and I had cancer, and he got to go for the broadest spectrum of treatment available to put him on the road to recovery (medical intervention, experimental trials, nutritional support, psychological, and spiritual treatment) and all I got was a twice weekly meeting with other cancer sufferers for emotional support and whatever I could afford over the counter, I would feel really shortchanged and bitter. And I am equally ill.
...but that's just me. I realize finances, insurance, childcare, and all the rest play into such things. I'm not trying to single out anyone's situation, really, I'm not. If I were offered rehab like that, I couldn't go for the same reasons your wife couldn't go. I would also be trusting that his recovery was stable enough that he could take on the same responsiblities that I have now without relapsing.
I wish...yes I wish...that my ABF would consider rehab. I would go out of my way, codie habit or not, to get him in a program and support him in his efforts whether we stayed together aftwards or not. He's not the man I fell in love with, but I don't hate him, and I want him to get better and live a happy life.
I also wish I had someone who felt the same way about me. My friends and family are having a hard enough time accepting that he's an alcoholic and that I'm unhealthy right along with him.
If my SO was hospitalized for several months for a serious injury or illness, and I was on my own suffering from an equally debilitating injury or illness, yes, I would feel the same way. If he had cancer and I had cancer, and he got to go for the broadest spectrum of treatment available to put him on the road to recovery (medical intervention, experimental trials, nutritional support, psychological, and spiritual treatment) and all I got was a twice weekly meeting with other cancer sufferers for emotional support and whatever I could afford over the counter, I would feel really shortchanged and bitter. And I am equally ill.
...but that's just me. I realize finances, insurance, childcare, and all the rest play into such things. I'm not trying to single out anyone's situation, really, I'm not. If I were offered rehab like that, I couldn't go for the same reasons your wife couldn't go. I would also be trusting that his recovery was stable enough that he could take on the same responsiblities that I have now without relapsing.
I wish...yes I wish...that my ABF would consider rehab. I would go out of my way, codie habit or not, to get him in a program and support him in his efforts whether we stayed together aftwards or not. He's not the man I fell in love with, but I don't hate him, and I want him to get better and live a happy life.
I also wish I had someone who felt the same way about me. My friends and family are having a hard enough time accepting that he's an alcoholic and that I'm unhealthy right along with him.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Neudazeahead -- so happy you are here with us all.
I wonder, is there a difference between a codependent and an enabler? I don't think I am an enabler, but I know I am something!
I am fairly new to SR but have been in recovery for a number of years now. I have had my own "codependent relapses" but have made a fairly solid committment to recovery this time around.
I always hated the word enabler -- I never considered my self an enabler, simply a survivor. I was told over and over that I have to allow my AH to suffer the consequences of his actions and behaviours. As long as I cleaned up after him or gave him a soft place to fall or got him out of a financial mess, I was enabling. I always believed that I behaved in those ways to save, not only his reputation or job or health, but my own. As I am examining it now and learning more, I do believe that I enable him. And I own a part of his disease. I always thought that if someone had cancer, I wouldn't leave them. Someone said here that if he had cancer, chose to opt out of available treatment and abused you in the meantime -- would you stay then? I consider my actions to parallel to offering a lung cancer patient a cigarette.
I think that enabling is part of being codependent.
I wonder, is there a difference between a codependent and an enabler? I don't think I am an enabler, but I know I am something!
I am fairly new to SR but have been in recovery for a number of years now. I have had my own "codependent relapses" but have made a fairly solid committment to recovery this time around.
I always hated the word enabler -- I never considered my self an enabler, simply a survivor. I was told over and over that I have to allow my AH to suffer the consequences of his actions and behaviours. As long as I cleaned up after him or gave him a soft place to fall or got him out of a financial mess, I was enabling. I always believed that I behaved in those ways to save, not only his reputation or job or health, but my own. As I am examining it now and learning more, I do believe that I enable him. And I own a part of his disease. I always thought that if someone had cancer, I wouldn't leave them. Someone said here that if he had cancer, chose to opt out of available treatment and abused you in the meantime -- would you stay then? I consider my actions to parallel to offering a lung cancer patient a cigarette.
I think that enabling is part of being codependent.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: snowy, PA
Posts: 7
I don't know even know where to begin with explaining my situation. My ABF had been on house arrest for a year, hasn't drank a drop in all that time. Several DUIs landed him on the house arrest. However, no drinking, just smoking pot more than ever. Hiding it from me and SOMEHOW not getting caught by his probation officer. But I would always know, and it would send me into a funk. 3 days of sullen moodiness. He'd ask whats wrong, and I was like ARE YOU NUTS?? How could he not know! I would become a detective, snooping through his stuff, car, emails etc. until I knew the absolute truth and went to him with it, giving him every opportunity to fess up, he would lie till I stood there with his bag in my hand. Only then would he admit it. What choice did he have? I hate being like and feeling I had to be a detective, but I couldn't stand the thought that he was getting one over on me. I became addicted to checking his emails! How ridiculous that made me feel. Now he's in rehab. I wonder if the addiction makes a person a liar, or if that person is just simply a liar with or without his DOC. I don't want to be involved with a liar. And I wonder if treatment will be effective if he is simply a big fat liar. Then what??? It really p!$$es me off that something as stupid as pot can be worth all of that trouble!!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 202
I'm really relating to a lot of this. I have also done the "detective" work, part of my codependency. And while I can't stop trying to control everything, I'm also p**sed off that AH gets to be Peter Pan while everything else falls in my lap. I know he's sick, but it's irritating as hell!!! AH is lucky there are places where he could go to get away and focus on himself and his illness (not that he is willing to do that). There is no such thing as "codependency rehab" -- LOL!
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