spouse of ACOA help?

Old 02-18-2009, 11:49 AM
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spouse of ACOA help?

I am not sure where to to go. My DH is a recovering alcoholic and an ACOA. I feel like our relationship suffers so much from his childhood. He finally agreed to start counseling over it after he realized how much his family still affects him, how they suck him back in when he sees them, and the trouble it causes our marriage.

It wasn't my childhood but I am dealing with many of the effects of his. We had been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, and DH tells me now he does not want to have children right now, that he is scared he will not know how to be a parent and that he is afraid he will resent them for having a normal childhood.

Is this a common thought for ACOAs? He said he wants to work on that in therapy, will therapy help? Having kids is the one non-negotiable I have. When we got engaged he told me how much he wanted kids, we could start trying after a year or so, etc. I feel so lost right now. I feel like he lies to me about so many things. He used to lie about his childhood, he used to lie about his drinking, his tobbaco use (he would tell me he quit and hide it or use chew, when he could have just have easily said he isn't ready yet), I feel like he lies all the time and now I just don't trust him. I don't know what to do.

What do I do for support?

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Old 02-18-2009, 01:56 PM
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We aren't trying anymore. I am just upset because I feel like he has pulled the rug out from under me. This weekend he poured out every deep thought in his head and I am in a daze, not even knowing whats real with him. This is really an unknown for me, I was raised by two ACOA who had dealt with their childhoods, and when I found out he was an ACOA when we were dating, he never presented any of the issues we are having now. I feel like the guy I married isn't real, like he put on this politically correct facade and only now is showing me the true depths of how far is childhood hurts go. Every time we talk about it he reveals more and more about his childhood, about how he thinks he can't feel emotions, etc.

What do I do to support him in counseling, and how do I reconcile the differences between him before we were married and him now?
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Old 02-18-2009, 02:21 PM
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I will take your advice. I have been putting of alanon for too long, and I left a voicemail for a psychologist appointment, too.

He wants to change and get over his childhood, so I am thankful for that. I just hope his "born to lose" attitude doesn't get in the way of progress.
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Old 02-18-2009, 06:28 PM
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I agree with Anvilhead. Take care of yourself. ACOA's, or anyone who has lived with alcoholism, have to choose a path of recovery on their own. You can be loving and show you care, but the path it theirs to walk. And it is not an easy path. I am walking that path now and hope to be able to say what Anvil said in the future.
Yes, go to Alanon. And read over the stickies at the top of this forum. Also, you might get some insight by reading the 12 steps forum. Alcoholics and those in alanon use the exact same 12 steps. They are difficult and they reach right into the core of the way one thinks, even the smallest semi-conscious whisper and in every waking moment.

Recovery is under the control of the ACOA and their higher power. No one else can make it happen. Alanon will show you that all attempts to encourage, plead, coerce, bribe, or threaten a person to recover will not help and may hurt any progress, are just attempts to control, and they do harm to the person who is attempting the controlling.
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Old 02-18-2009, 07:54 PM
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I am sorry you're hurting, bebo. It must be a big shift in your thinking to go from having kids to not having kids. Anvilhead and grewup are right......his recovery is his to own, yours is yours to own. And trust me, you don't want someone who is unsure whether they WANT children to become a father to yours. That doesn't make it any less sad for you, though

Please keep in mind that when it comes to people trying to find their way, anything can happen -- good and bad. Don't write this off just yet.

Sometimes a really great thing happens when you both turn away from trying to change the other and instead focus on your own healing....sometimes you find common ground that you couldn't have found any other way. And sometimes you find respect for each other, which is fundamental to any healthy relationship.

Concentrate on rebuilding the YOU part of the healthy relationship, which is the only part you can control. Sending you hugs and strength to move forward in a way that brings you back to happiness.
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Old 02-20-2009, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by bebo View Post
I feel like the guy I married isn't real, like he put on this politically correct facade and only now is showing me the true depths of how far is childhood hurts go.
As an ACOA, this isn't surprising. Though I wouldn't call his "fake self" politically correct - he wasn't intentionally hiding himself from you - he was hiding from himself, because it was too painful, and you were along for the ride. It was the self that he HAD to become in order to survive growing up.

No one can predict what will finally bring our "real" selves out of hiding, but there comes a point when the amount of energy it takes to hide becomes too much. Like trying to single-handedly hold up a dam: Small behaviors and emotions start to trickle out, and then more, until finally the dam gives out altogether.

I was triggered by an argument with my brothers over a year ago, and my dam broke completely a few months later. Though I'd always had more subtle issues, I'd never known enough to attribute them to being an ACOA until then.

You asked what you can do to support him: listen. That's really what it comes down to. Don't try to fix him or compensate for his unhappy past. Don't tell him what he should do.

That said, if this process of his proves to be too wearing on you - if your relationship has more bad days than good, or you are unhappy more than you are content, or you realize that having children with THIS man is ill-advised or undesirable - you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to leave the relationship. Your needs are just as important as his. Just do so as kindly as possible.
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