TakingCharge999

Hi friends
I bought a really nice cup while studying in Finland.
The ex has it.
How do I ask for it?

A friend told me just to go to his place, ask for it ,leave. Just doing that makes me nervous as ALL his male friends are around. I do not want to go there if it is not work related and thank God I have been involved in projects now, that have nothing to do with him.

Then again if I use a 3rd party I look like this loser who cannot get over him while he has had the time of his life with someone else for months now.Which is correct (at least the still mourning part)

.
Maybe I need to let THE CUP go? After all even if I had it back, it will be a trigger as well. Besides I do not drink anymore, it would be just the sentimental value - now infected with his memories as well...

Just making this dumb question shows me how much thought I give him still.
Perhaps its better to count it as a loss as well.

I wish letting go was easier...

good_luck

I'm usually more long-winded than this, but yeah, dude. Let the cup go. And maybe think about whether this is really about a cup, and know that it's ok that it's not. But still, let it go.

good wishes to you.

Ago

Who gives a rats a$$ what he thinks

If you want the cup back and aren't comfortable asking for it yourself (which would be my first suggestion but sometimes no contact means no contact, and that's whats best for all involved) then so what WTF he thinks

If it's YOUR cup, and wasn't a Gift, get the thing back if you want it.

I know you are having trouble "letting go" of him as it were but maybe start by "letting go" of this "someone else" you keep bringing up, this makes it so you are having a relationship with both of them. All you are doing is harming yourself by bringing "her" into the picture and obsessing about "her".

Your relationship was with him, your break up was with him, "she" just muddies the waters and keeps you "stuck" IMO.

I remember asking myself, after I had a GF run off with another man, many years ago, so, what are my options:

1 she leaves me for another man
2 She leaves me....for....no one.......


That made option one look a little better

Anyhow, for me, before I could start with any sort of healing I had to let go of the idea that this other person really has any bearing on me, my grief, or my reality and that being angry at "the other (wo)man" just was keeping me stuck in my process.

So what if they are having fun, concentrating on "them" just kept ME from having any fun.

Fock That, life's too short

I also realized ...and this is just for me, but I was using the whole "tragic long suffering martyr" thing to be self important. When I am depressed it makes me the most important thing in the world, and it makes the world revolve around me, and that's just not the case. It's not that I don't struggle with it, it's just I realized that wallowing in depression is the ultimate form of narcissism sometimes.

I remember when this happened, I drove down to see my Father, I told him the whole sad tale....a good man wronged...a woman running off and breaking his heart, I may have even quoted the train station scene from Casablanca.

My Father said, "Son, you know I love you more then anyone else in the whole world. I am really sorry you are in such pain. But I have to tell you I am amused at your discomfiture. There you are with a giant knife in your back, that you put there yourself I might add, crying out all dramatically, God why have you forsaken me"

It took me some years, but I finally understood what he was talking about, with his talk of self inflicted wounds. It doesn't mean they hurt any less, the suffering is real, but I needed to make no mistake, my suffering was all self inflicted. I inflicted it, I got to choose when to end it.

Sure it was fun suffering nobly being the heartbroken victim of a tragic love affair, but it was my choice, and that ride ended when I decided it would, when I decided I had enough.

I understand this is painful, but the ride ends when you say it ends.

This is all hindsight of course, and applicable only to me, but these are my experiences and thought process that accompanied when I was in your shoes.

kingston

Ago, THANK YOU

I've just had a major aha moment, you've just given me than final push in letting go with your words and Dad's analogy. I've been holding on to the fact that my XAH fooled around on me since I left him 6 months ago and let it "eat" at me.

Well IT aka me is finally full, I've stepped away from that self inflicted table of junk food. The steak and caesar with a fruit cup is now on my plate. Thank you! K.

TakingCharge999

Hi Ago!!

Thanks for your opinion. Will I just say you are way ahead of me, but knowing you are OK now helps me. I am also letting the cheating and now the parade, eat at me, although may I say its difficult not to "engange" when one day your loved one will go to the end of the world for you and the next week you see him with someone else and have an unwanted front seat on their activities. And no. I do not think I am "protecting" my sadness. It hurts.

Thanks a lot for your insights Ago!
I will use a 3rd person.

TakingCharge999

On second thought, I was the one who left, for .. no one.
Need to remember why I took that decision.

I guess what hurts is for the guy to show no pain at all, like showing their emotional investment was 0% and you start doubting if anything was real at all. Oh well... only God knows.

lovtolaff

Yeah well I'm not so sure they have "no pain at all" - how would they know when they are drinking/drugging to NOT have to feel any pain. At least that is what my xabf does.

But I do know what you mean when you say "doubting if anything was real" - I too question that sometimes but at this point - what difference does it make? It's over and I learned some really hard lessons from that relationship - I just consider myself wiser and stronger now.

Hugs.

Oh and p.s. speaking on what I would do about the cup - absolutely nothing. I'd let it go. But that is just me and my will to keep my "absolutely NO CONTACT" rule in place.

freya

It's your cup and you want it.....that's really all that's important.

And there's nothing wrong with having a 3rd party go over there and get it for you, or with having a 3rd party accompnay you when you go over to get it.

All that that "says" is that you want your cup and you're not interested in putting up with any BS from him in order to get it. Sounds like good self-care to me.

freya

CNMC2C

I agree with Freya. I had to make a decision yesterday to either go pick up a shipment that my company had shipped to my XABF's house by mistake yesterday or let him keep it, which meant that I would have to reimburse the company that I work for $7K for their property. I called one of my co-workers and asked him to go with me to pick it up. We drove down and picked it up without any issue from my XABF. Sometimes, we have to make uncomfortable decisions, but I knew I had no alterior motives for getting this shipment back...so I put my "big girl panties on" and went after it.


:ghug3

MissFixit

It is uncomfortable.

My godmother asked for my things back 6 times. No action. I wrote a letter listing and asking for my things back. Response from the OW to not contact him. My father has written letters asking for my things back. He said he would to my dad and then didn't follow through. Things have escalated a bit, but I am and have been out of the picture. My dad has been dealing with it since December (he is a lawyer).

Active A's are unreasonable and irrational as hell.

Ago

Don't compare his outsides to your insides

Shakespeare said it best, "On that Path Lies Madness"

You have NO idea how or what he thinks or feels

None

All you are doing by that is increasing your suffering

It was real for you

You loved somebody incapable of loving in return

You left him

So, you don't doubt your decision to leave him, you left him physically, now start thinking about how you can "leave him" emotionally, baby steps, one step at a time, one day at a time

If every day you think one healthy thought, just one little healthy thought, after awhile you will be thinking healthy thoughts regularly, if, every day, you take one healthy action, just one little one, it doesn't have to be a big one, after awhile you will be taking healthy actions all of the time.

Take the time you need to to heal, but take the action you need to take as well. Take the baby steps you need in order to heal, but take them.

baby steps baby steps baby steps has been my Mantra on more then one occasion.

One good thought, One good action, one a day, feel free to post those here. This is what I did today in order to help myself.

HoopNinja

2 months ago I did what someone at work suggested who had gone through a legal separation--started make a spreadsheet of everything and who would get what-she told me it would save on attorney fees. Forgot about it and 2 weeks ago started a new one. There was an interesting difference in the one I started 2 months ago and the one I started 2 weeks ago.
The one from 2 months ago had 2 columns, AH and me
The one from 2 weeks ago had 3 columns, AH, me and I don't care

I was amazed how what had happened in 6 weeks time totally shifted my brain. At least 50% of the things that I had in my column had shifted to the I don't care column.

For me it hit me--it is just stuff and me and the kids are more important than stuff. Yes, it will be a drag if I have to replace some of the things that are in the I don't care column (but just because it is there does not mean I won't get it--just that I won't fight about getting it).

There are things of great sentimental value in our house--but if it was in any way associated with him it moved into the I don't care column--unless it also had to do with the kids. Those things I do care about because I know he will not take care of them and will probably sit in a box until the day he dies.

Maybe step back for a bit and see if down the line you really want that cup or if it has moved into the I don't care column. Sometimes with time comes clarity.

Freedom1990

You'll quit comparing your insides with his outsides when it hurts enough, no?

TakingCharge999

Thanks a lot for all your responses. They help me a great deal.

I just asked a 3rd party ..
And well he just told me the exAH replied it was broken in one of his wild drunken parties (he used those words)

....



...

Then the 3rd party told me it was my fault for not asking for it before.

...



The good thing, I was here with you guys, and I was chatting with my best friend.

I was able to see both chats, one this 3rd party acting just like I do, twisting stuff and assigning undue guilt (I AM A SPECIALIST), trying to make ME at fault...

Then the other chat was my best friend telling me thank God I am no longer with this person. She knew him when he was Jekyll still.

I am so glad I was able to disengange from this. I thanked the 3rd party for his time and told him I was busy. I will kindly let him know I am trying to avoid certain triggers so I will stop contact with him too. He "helped' me before, listening, but he is close friends with xAH. Now that I see this and remember other stuff, no, he is not MY friend either.

I am so thankful with God for the clarity I asked is the one he has given me today.
I told God to keep on keeping people that do not help my journey away, even if it hurts. I got exactly that... and here I am complaining as to why he made my wish come true LOL

And about the cup, well I am going to France in July so maybe I can get a similar one. Instead of this, I will think about how happy I was there, all the good friends I made there, the excellent memories and will write to long time friends I have not known about. Those memories in my heart are what I can always keep and help me. In fact I remembered I felt so free and happy then, no attachments to anyone, each day was so great. I can be that person again.

Thanks a lot to everyone here,
:ghug2

TakingCharge999

Oh thanks again for the last responses, hadn't seen them
Totally right Freedom.. yesterday I thought "ok when will my self torture end?"
I think it has hurt enough already.

I will mourn the nice guy I miss and try with all my heart to disengange that one with the incredibly cruel Hyde now, that I am getting away from. I think that seeing the shell and assumings he is STILL the same nice guy before addiction, but without me, etc etc is a lie that makes me suffer.

Thanks again for your input, gives me a lot to think about.
Just to be able to move on with my day - is a struggle but some weeks before I would be crying and keeping my anger inside. No more. At least = just for today, no, I won't go there.

Hugs!!

Ago

Setting aside the words "guilt" "blame" "fault" etc

who's responsibility was it?

you don't put precious things like your cup in the hands of a 3 year old do you?

If he breaks it, is it the 3 yo's fault?

This cup is a great analogy for your heart.

You left your cup (and heart) in the hands of an irresponsible 3 year old.

It might be "his fault" but ultimately it's your responsibility (to protect that which is precious, like your heart and this cup)

I mean you can keep blaming him all you want, he broke your cup (and your heart) or you can learn to stop putting your precious things in the hands of 3 year olds.

Up to you, but on one path lies pain and madness, on the other lies happiness, personal responsibility, and great deal of freedom.

I mean, when are you going to stop "putting your finger in his mouth"?

YouTube - Charlie bit my finger - again !

TakingCharge999

Hi Ago!!
Your posts hurt because they are true.
And seeing how we attract ppl in the same level I say..

Man I need major internal reconstruction...

Besides,I've gone out with much healthier partners. Breaking up with an alcoholic as supposed to non-alcoholics, has been much more difficult as at first I thought he was as nice as any other guy.

I mean, if the exAH had been like that from the start, openly a 3rd year old, I would not have gone out with him.

The thing here with this alcoholic is that he acted an adult, I of course put on my pink glasses, my heart was there and then BAM... he is unmasked. And my codie stuff is unmasked too. So now I am in that stage where I feel like an idiot for believing what he said and enabling him etc. etc. but well at least its OVER now.. I need to work more in the Acceptance part of this because as you all know, I have NOT accepted my present yet!!

ANYHOW.. thanks a lot to all of you for taking the time. Lesson learned, my heart is too valuable now, and I am more ready to see the red flags!!

Shakespeare's words are so true..

TakingCharge999

Just for the record.. we moved twice, and this cup was in our first apartment where another coworker lived with us. This coworker told me he had it but forgot bringing it to the workplace. Just this week I learned he had given it to the exAH instead...

Thanks for being with me today. REALLY.

freya

Well, I'm glad you are at peace about it and putting it behind you...

...and, just for future reference, when I referred to "a 3rd party," it honestly didn't occur to me that anyone would assume that category would include one of your ex's closest friends.

A few years ago, I got a call for help from a friend who was in a very physically abusive relationship. I went and picked her up and brought her to my house to stay, but, because of the situation when I picked her up, she basically ended up at my house with nothing but the clothes on her back. Now, clearly, we had to get some of her stuff (and also rescue her cat), but equally clearly it would not have been a good or safe idea for one, or even both, of us to go over there and confront her addicted, abusive, psycho-butch partner. So, we called some women we know, and, eventually, we got the biggest, baddest (in a good way!), totally-unsympathetic-to-any-abuser butch we knew (who also, very conveniently, has close family connections to local, county and state law enforcement) to gather a couple of her buddies and go over and collect my friend's things. Psycho as pyscho-butch was at the time, she was not totally without instinct for self-preservation, so you best believe those things (cat included) arrived at my house complete and intact.

I'm just telling you this so that, should you find yourself looking for 3rd party help in the future, you give some thought to finding a person (or the people) who are going to truly be "working" and advocating for you only and who have the kind of "presence" and attitude that is most likely to encourage quiet co-operation from the alcoholic.

freya

TakingCharge999

Thanks freya
Oh it helps a lot being able to talk about this stuff

OK I've made EVERY mistake in the book right... there should be SR prizes.. LOL

During the early stages where I had no one else this 3rd party approached me as he has some counseling experience. He helped me especially at work where I was (am) at wit's end and I had no one to talk to.

I never saw anyone as "friend of" or "ex of" but an isolated person in himself or herself, but it has come to the point that I cannot stand anyone who ever breathed close to the exAH. Many ppl and places are still triggers.. better to back off.

It hurts to know I am "losing" this 3rd party too. Although physically it will be the same, I will move to an Alternative Universe altogether, where coworkers are coworkers (something more difficult in Mex because we tend to be very social), and I have a BOUNCER for the friendship lounge in my life.

Wow I cannot believe how I did not put any bouncer before. Has anyone felt they have grown like 10 years in short time since starting recovery?

HP give me clarity and keep giving it to me, because I am a slow learner LOL
I just realized I am still in Step 1. OK. Feb. will keep being Step 1.

On to my sunny day. Hope everyone has a great one too. You guys rock!!