Hello all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
Hello all
I posted this in the wrong section so I'm moving it here. Forgive me, I'm new.
I typed my heart out and it disappeared.
My name is Kay, I'm a 27 yo sahm mum of two boys. My oldest is almost 3 and my youngest is 3 1/2 months old. Unfortunately, I'm married to an alcoholic. I joined here hoping to find understanding, support and the freedom to post what I'm going through. Also viewpoints from someone who is an alcoholic but is willing to explain to me what exactly it is to go through this would be appreciated. Like I said, I want to UNDERSTAND. Sometimes I think I know because I smoke, but I was told by my sister that it's not the same and I'll never understand unless I go through it myself. She doesn't talk about what she went through.
I'll have to research terminology soon, but I think my husband would be considered a binge drinker. He'll go 2-4 months without drinking at all, but then he'll take a drink and the trouble starts. He'll go 4-6 months drinking heavily 3-4 times a week. When he does this he will routinely ignore responsibilities. He's lost many jobs this way over the years and our relationship is now at the point where I'm starting to hate him (even though I really try not to) for the way that this behavior is affecting everything in our lives, from finances to my oldest son to our marriage. He just admitted the other day that he "might" have a drinking problem after getting cited for being d&d last week and being late to work 3 times. Also last week as well. I asked him if he was ready to get help (probably should have talked to someone about HOW to approach him first). His answer was to go out drinking after work tonight and drunk text me. If I sound angry, it's probably because I am. lol.
His alcoholism has caused me some problems as well. I've had some self esteem issues because of it, even though I know intellectually that his drinking has NOTHING to do with me. I've an appointment next week to talk to a counselor about my issues with this. I think there might be something deeper going on here since my father was an alcoholic, my sister was a drug addict and I married an alcoholic. I've also emailed for info on alanon.
I'm really just at my wit's end with all this. I'm thinking that even though his alcoholism is not my fault, that I might have been enabling it for the past 6 years by constantly covering for him, fixing his mess-ups, etc. I'm at a hard place right now because I feel that nothing is going to get better for him or for me until I separate myself from him.
That felt really good to get out. The freedom of just having typed that is doing wonders for me right now. Thanks to all who read to the end. I appreciate it. Heck of a hello, right? lol.
I typed my heart out and it disappeared.
My name is Kay, I'm a 27 yo sahm mum of two boys. My oldest is almost 3 and my youngest is 3 1/2 months old. Unfortunately, I'm married to an alcoholic. I joined here hoping to find understanding, support and the freedom to post what I'm going through. Also viewpoints from someone who is an alcoholic but is willing to explain to me what exactly it is to go through this would be appreciated. Like I said, I want to UNDERSTAND. Sometimes I think I know because I smoke, but I was told by my sister that it's not the same and I'll never understand unless I go through it myself. She doesn't talk about what she went through.
I'll have to research terminology soon, but I think my husband would be considered a binge drinker. He'll go 2-4 months without drinking at all, but then he'll take a drink and the trouble starts. He'll go 4-6 months drinking heavily 3-4 times a week. When he does this he will routinely ignore responsibilities. He's lost many jobs this way over the years and our relationship is now at the point where I'm starting to hate him (even though I really try not to) for the way that this behavior is affecting everything in our lives, from finances to my oldest son to our marriage. He just admitted the other day that he "might" have a drinking problem after getting cited for being d&d last week and being late to work 3 times. Also last week as well. I asked him if he was ready to get help (probably should have talked to someone about HOW to approach him first). His answer was to go out drinking after work tonight and drunk text me. If I sound angry, it's probably because I am. lol.
His alcoholism has caused me some problems as well. I've had some self esteem issues because of it, even though I know intellectually that his drinking has NOTHING to do with me. I've an appointment next week to talk to a counselor about my issues with this. I think there might be something deeper going on here since my father was an alcoholic, my sister was a drug addict and I married an alcoholic. I've also emailed for info on alanon.
I'm really just at my wit's end with all this. I'm thinking that even though his alcoholism is not my fault, that I might have been enabling it for the past 6 years by constantly covering for him, fixing his mess-ups, etc. I'm at a hard place right now because I feel that nothing is going to get better for him or for me until I separate myself from him.
That felt really good to get out. The freedom of just having typed that is doing wonders for me right now. Thanks to all who read to the end. I appreciate it. Heck of a hello, right? lol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome FL, glad to meet you and glad you found this terrific place. More will be along to give you a proper welcome. Until then lots of people find reading the stickies at the top of this forum very helpful. I found a few books that taught me more about me. One was "Codependent No More" and the other was "How Alanon Works".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
Hi, Chrysalis. Thank you for responding to my post. I'll be sure to read through the stickies. Made a start of it last night but got a little disgusted with myself and had to quit to process it all. The truth cuts sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! Keep reading and posting. You will find a whole lot of folks who understand what you are going trhough.
You probably have been enabling him in ways large and small. You can decide to stop doing it too. But do not think that your enabling him takes away any real level of his responsibility for his choices. Enabling doesn't pour the alcohol down his throat.
Whether you need to stay or leave is something only you can decide. You can start by learning about setting boundaries and how to stop enabling. You don't need to make any immedite decisions unless you or your children are in danger.
Originally Posted by FlwrofFrgttng 
I'm really just at my wit's end with all this. I'm thinking that even though his alcoholism is not my fault, that I might have been enabling it for the past 6 years by constantly covering for him, fixing his mess-ups, etc. I'm at a hard place right now because I feel that nothing is going to get better for him or for me until I separate myself from him.
Whether you need to stay or leave is something only you can decide. You can start by learning about setting boundaries and how to stop enabling. You don't need to make any immedite decisions unless you or your children are in danger.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
My heart is in danger. So cliche but it's true. I feel like I'm losing my mind with this whole mess. I made a decision this morning so that gave me back some feelings of control over my own life and a good dose of self respect. For right now, I don't feel lost anymore. Now I have to make sure that now since I've drawn my line in the sand so to speak, that I don't let him cross it. I really don't think my emotions can take that again. I'm going to remind myself of this all day, that way I don't allow him back in.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to SR -
praying you will find the support you need to deal with the affects of this awful disease and learn to do what is best for YOU - you deserve it!!
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
Rita
praying you will find the support you need to deal with the affects of this awful disease and learn to do what is best for YOU - you deserve it!!
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brokenheart, USA
Posts: 58
I pray I will too. I'm tired of wallowing in self pity. The "woe is me" thing is getting old. The anger is getting old. I just want peace again. I want to love myself. I want my children to love themselves too and not have to deal with all the emotional crap that I went through growing up even though my mother divorced my AF when I was fairly young. Most of all I don't want them to see what he does and the way I act about it and think it's normal. It's not. It's sick and twisted and sometimes I feel like he's addicted to alcohol but I'm addicted to him.
I see great opportunities for self discovery here. Some of the things I'm saying now are things that I thought before but suppressed. Every sentence I type. Every post I read is opening my eyes more. I flatter myself to think I possess a modicum of common sense. This site reinforces all the things I've thought but have been in too much of a whirlwind to believe. You'll probably think this is overkill here but I feel so RELIEVED to know that there ARE people who understand. Who will not judge me. Who have been through this whole sad mess.
I see great opportunities for self discovery here. Some of the things I'm saying now are things that I thought before but suppressed. Every sentence I type. Every post I read is opening my eyes more. I flatter myself to think I possess a modicum of common sense. This site reinforces all the things I've thought but have been in too much of a whirlwind to believe. You'll probably think this is overkill here but I feel so RELIEVED to know that there ARE people who understand. Who will not judge me. Who have been through this whole sad mess.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
It's sick and twisted and sometimes I feel like he's addicted to alcohol but I'm addicted to him.
I see great opportunities for self discovery here. Some of the things I'm saying now are things that I thought before but suppressed. Every sentence I type. Every post I read is opening my eyes more. I flatter myself to think I possess a modicum of common sense. This site reinforces all the things I've thought but have been in too much of a whirlwind to believe. You'll probably think this is overkill here but I feel so RELIEVED to know that there ARE people who understand. Who will not judge me. Who have been through this whole sad mess.
I truly do know what you are feeling and the best advice I could give you is to read, read, read and post, post, post. Let it out. There is no judgement here - only understanding and good listeners.
Peace and strength to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by FlwrofFrgttng
I'll have to research terminology soon, but I think my husband would be considered a binge drinker. He'll go 2-4 months without drinking at all, but then he'll take a drink and the trouble starts. He'll go 4-6 months drinking heavily 3-4 times a week. When he does this he will routinely ignore responsibilities. He's lost many jobs this way over the years and our relationship is now at the point where I'm starting to hate him (even though I really try not to) for the way that this behavior is affecting everything in our lives, from finances to my oldest son to our marriage. He just admitted the other day that he "might" have a drinking problem after getting cited for being d&d last week and being late to work 3 times. Also last week as well. I asked him if he was ready to get help (probably should have talked to someone about HOW to approach him first). His answer was to go out drinking after work tonight and drunk text me. If I sound angry, it's probably because I am. lol.
His alcoholism has caused me some problems as well. I've had some self esteem issues because of it, even though I know intellectually that his drinking has NOTHING to do with me. I've an appointment next week to talk to a counselor about my issues with this. I think there might be something deeper going on here since my father was an alcoholic, my sister was a drug addict and I married an alcoholic. I've also emailed for info on alanon.
I'm really just at my wit's end with all this. I'm thinking that even though his alcoholism is not my fault, that I might have been enabling it for the past 6 years by constantly covering for him, fixing his mess-ups, etc. I'm at a hard place right now because I feel that nothing is going to get better for him or for me until I separate myself from him.
That felt really good to get out. The freedom of just having typed that is doing wonders for me right now. Thanks to all who read to the end. I appreciate it. Heck of a hello, right? lol.
He'll go 2-4 months without drinking at all, but then he'll take a drink and the trouble starts.
He'll go 4-6 months drinking heavily 3-4 times a week. When he does this he will routinely ignore responsibilities. He's lost many jobs this way over the years and our relationship is now at the point where I'm starting to hate him (even though I really try not to) for the way that this behavior is affecting everything in our lives, from finances to my oldest son to our marriage. He just admitted the other day that he "might" have a drinking problem after getting cited for being d&d last week and being late to work 3 times. Also last week as well.
God I love alcoholics....not always the sharpest tools in the shed are we? (I am a recovering alcoholic)
Well, the true question here is whether YOU have a problem with his drinking
our relationship is now at the point where I'm starting to hate him (even though I really try not to) for the way that this behavior is affecting everything in our lives, from finances to my oldest son to our marriage.
His alcoholism has caused me some problems as well. I've had some self esteem issues because of it, even though I know intellectually that his drinking has NOTHING to do with me.
viewpoints from someone who is an alcoholic but is willing to explain to me what exactly it is to go through this would be appreciated.
Read this though...it is helpful, but has nothing to do with your own recovery.
AA Big Book - Chapter 3
I asked him if he was ready to get help (probably should have talked to someone about HOW to approach him first).
His answer was to go out drinking after work tonight.
Friday?
celebraaaaate good times come on!! duh duh duh duh duhduh (Kool and the Gang, sorry dating myself)
Sunny day?
Plastered
looks like rain.....glug glug glug
Happy?
woooohooooo glug glug
It's a windy day
This will definitely require some Jack Daniels
Sad
imma need to get REALLY drunk on this one
resentment?
The bender to end all benders
get the picture?
I'm at a hard place right now because I feel that nothing is going to get better for him or for me until I separate myself from him.
Anyway, Welcome to SR, I found the best way I could help myself was, rather then educating myself on the disease of alcoholism, to educate myself on the dangers and damaging aspects of codependency, and how I could recover from that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Bristol UK
Posts: 11
Hey, I'm not in much of a position to hand out advice at this time. I'm new to all this as well but I can feel your pain in this dilemma. I'm in exactly the same spot as you are at the mo (except I don't have kids). My AGF is a binge drinker and I have stuck by her for 2 years and waited night over night for her to fall off the wagon again. Now I'm trying my hardest to get out of the situation. Hell it's the hardest thing I everhad to do, so I just wanted to say I share whatever you feel you're going through and thanks for listening to me.
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