I think I'm working this all wrong.

Old 02-17-2009, 07:26 PM
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Only stepping forward
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I think I'm working this all wrong.

I understand that I didn't cause him to drink, that I can't control it and I can't cure it. I really do understand that now.

So does that mean that I sit around and do nothing? I sit around and say nothing? Do nothing more than pray every chance I get that someday he'll realize he's an alcoholic and then he'll change? Am I supposed to sit around and wait, sit around and hope?

Honestly, is there nothing I can do? I feel like I'm living a lie. I'm pretending that his sorry drunken attitude doesn't upset me or bother me anymore. I'm tired of him believing that his drinking has no effect on me. Shouldn't I be able to tell him that he's hurting me? Even if it wouldn't change anything or make any difference, can't I tell him that his drinking hurts me?

Really though......do my options pretty much consist of pretending there's nothing wrong or just up and leaving?
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Old 02-17-2009, 07:55 PM
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No, your options consist of finding a way to be happy THERE even though he continues to drink, or finding a way to be happy far away from the drunken attitudes and actions.

There are many SR members who continue to live with their AH for various reasons, and some have found great serenity. It's not easy. It's not "doing nothing" -- setting boundaries and putting your foot down about what you will & will not tolerate is hard work, and you still may find you can't get on with your life and become happy again. You may find he walks all over your boundaries and you'll have to make some hard choices that'll require self-respect on your part.

If telling him that he's hurting you is part of recovering your serenity while you continue to live with him, then so be it. Say what you need to say -- how much worse could you make it? Just DON'T expect any change, or any particular response to that except maybe "who cares."

That's why I - personally - couldn't stay. I'm not going to remain in a relationship with someone who is unable or unwilling to care about my feelings. I would prefer to live alone and concentrate on my friends and family and the things I love to do in life.

I stuck it out, I waited, I set boundaries and had them crossed, I cried. I didn't think there was any way I could bring myself to leave. But eventually I was forced to, and ultimately, I became one of the happiest people I know. You might too. But you have to decide the right road for yourself.

Hugs to you, and hopes you'll find a way that returns you to sanity
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Old 02-17-2009, 07:57 PM
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Hey KV,

My situation is probably different as I am not married nor do I live with Abf. We do spend 3-4 nights a week at his house with me staying there. That being said though should he make the choice to get drunk while I am there I go home.

He has all these plans about cutting back on his drinking and he has to some degree, (as you see I said "cut back" not quit). That is his choice that I have no control over. The only control I have is over my actions when he drinks.

He is also aware that as long as he drinks and does not get in a recovery program of some sort there will not be anything permanent with us.

However I still feel that for some reason Abf was brought in my life for a reason. Before him I was a lot more judgmental.

You should never have to pretend there is nothing wrong. However baby steps before you think about up and leaving. Have you tried acknowledging the good things he is doing? Put less focus on what he is doing and more focus into what you enjoy.
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Old 02-17-2009, 08:07 PM
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I think talking it all out would depend on how receptive the alcholic in your life is willing or able to hear you.

I've told my ABF many times... when he has put down the bottle for a while, when he's been drinking heavily, when he's been remorseful over violent outburst when drinking, and when he has come to me and admitted he has a problem.

The only thing it has ever served to do for me is to change his behavior in the short term, sometimes increasing his drinking and sometimes (like now) making him attempt to hide his drinking from me.

Whether he can hear me or not seems to make no difference. I always end up hurt, disappointed, and further away from him emotionally every time.

I hope others are able to shed more light on this question for you.

Alice
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Old 02-17-2009, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by kv816 View Post
Honestly, is there nothing I can do?
Are you asking if there's nothing you can do to get him to change? The answer to that would be: Correct, there is nothing YOU can do to make him change.

If you are asking if there's nothing you can do to change that feeling you have of wanting to crawl out of your own skin (and I know that feeling well), the answer is: There is plenty you can do. It has taken me a full year of making excuses, whining to friends, begging and nagging my AH, and coming here. I often thought all of the people that seem so strong and peaceful here have found some nugget of wisdom that magically transformed them. I wanted the easy way out of a very dark hole.

I decided a couple weeks ago that enough was enough. I took a leap and went to an Alanon meeting. I called a counselor that had been highly recommended and started seeing her. What I've learned so far is that all of the people here that have shared their experiences with me, given me a gentle nudge when needed, and even a kick in the pants every now and then, did not get where they are without some hard work. This self exploration is no cake walk, and I'm still pretty green. So far I have found that there's some ugly stuff in me that needs to be cleaned out, and some pretty fantastic stuff that needs to be nurtured to grow.

I still live with an alcoholic, who for today is not drinking. That can all change tomorrow, and for the first time ever the thought of it doesn't send me into a panic. I can't control his drinking any more than I can control how often he urinates......nor would I want to. Wow that feels good! I hope you get to the place where you are ready to unclench your fists, wrap your arms around yourself, and give YOU a big hug.
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Old 02-17-2009, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by kv816 View Post
Am I supposed to sit around and wait, sit around and hope?
Not if you don't wish to sit around any longer.

Originally Posted by kv816 View Post
Honestly, is there nothing I can do? I feel like I'm living a lie. I'm pretending that his sorry drunken attitude doesn't upset me or bother me anymore. I'm tired of him believing that his drinking has no effect on me. Shouldn't I be able to tell him that he's hurting me? Even if it wouldn't change anything or make any difference, can't I tell him that his drinking hurts me?
His addiction DOES affect you. You are a normal human being. To not react at all would be abnormal. We are, by nature, relational beings. But attempting to relate, or have a relationship, with an A, wil lead you to doubt whether or not you will get any feedback or validation for your hurt feelings.

You are living with someone who copes by zoning out on booze. This person does not cope with life, deal with life, or want to be hassled by anybody - including you. And discussions about feelings can lead to pointless, endless, frustrating arguments.

You can tell him he has hurt you. You can tell him his drinking is destroying your life. You can tell spill your guts. I doubt much of it will compute.

Thus, you need to take care of how you feel. Because how you feel, and what you think, and how you want to live our life, is under your control. His boozing doesn't figure into that equation, any more than your pain and heartache figures into the equation of his addiction.

This is where there is frequently a parting of the ways. He wants to drink. He does not care to stop drinking. Sobriety, A.A., rehab - nope, not for him. (Mind you, I am only speculating here.)

So that leaves you to drive yourself crazy trying to get meaningful feedback and validation from an active addict. Ain't so.

Now you have to decide what will restore you to sanity, peace, and serenity. At this point in time, it doesn't appear to be him.

So what do you think you can do that would be more constructive for your recovery and well-being?
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Old 02-18-2009, 04:17 AM
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You're absolutely right, I just want to crawl out of my skin most days. Other days I want to jump out of mine and into his. You ever watch NCIS? Every now and then throughout the show Tony does or says something stupid and Gibbs will pop him upside the head. It doesn't hurt, just gets Tony to shut up and re-evaluate where he stands. I just want to do that sometimes. Just up and pop him upside the head. I want to drop to my knees every morning and BEG him not to drink today. Please, just for today do me a huge favor and don't drink. I don't want to bicker tonight or argue or fight or listen to your paranoia, the world is out to get you, boozed up self.

But yall are right--I shouldn't have to beg for serenity.

I joked with my best friend a week ago. After a long, stupid, pointless, brought on by liquor, I knew I was right all along argument with Abf, I am officially an A.S.S. (abused spouse syndrome). Not funny, but it made me feel better. I never thought I'd grow up to be an ass.

I just don't get it. He's got me rapped around his little finger and he knows it. 6 nights he's kicking and screaming and yelling and accusing and throwing things at yelling and shoving and pushing and calling me names and yelling and screaming but then there's that one night that we make it through the day without any of that and that one night makes all those other nights just go away. I forget about it all.

I just don't get it. He will be the first one to tell you he's an A. He'll be the first one to tell you that he can't go a day without the beer. He'll be the first one to admit he has a problem. His mother begged him to stop drinking before she passed a few years ago and he'll say yeah, he should have listened to her when she said it. So if he knows all this, why does he continue to drink? If he knows he has a problem, why does he ignore it? I guess life is easier to deal with and feel sorry for yourself with a buzz.

It wouldn't make everything okay or help me survive this madness, but just for once I'd give anything to hear him say "I'm sorry".
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Old 02-18-2009, 04:49 AM
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If he knows he has a problem, why does he ignore it? I guess life is easier to deal with and feel sorry for yourself with a buzz.
For me, If I had a problem with their drinking, their drinking became my problem

then I had to ask myself, and I ask you "If you have a problem, why do you ignore it? I guess life is easier to deal with and feel sorry for yourself by focusing on him."

It wouldn't make everything okay or help you survive this madness, but just for once I'd give anything to hear you say "I'm done focusing on him, I get it".

just some paraphrases, your own words if you will, just thought you might find them interesting rearranged a little bit.

This is hard, what you are going through is really really hard, but for me, as long as I focused on the problem (him) the problem increased, once I started focusing on the solution (me) the solution increased.

I know what you mean by the "pop upside the head thing"

I feel that way frequently lately. There's something about saying the same thing over and over, like "if I have a problem with someone else's drinking it's my problem, and if it's my problem, my solution needs to come from me, not them", and you feel like you aren't getting heard that gets pretty frustrating.

Last edited by Ago; 02-18-2009 at 05:05 AM.
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Old 02-18-2009, 05:33 AM
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I agree with GiveLove....I couldn't stay either. I tried "detaching" but it just wasn't for me. I wanted a relationship with someone who was going to give the same 100% that I was giving. I grew tired of the drunken rambles, the pissy-ness, the feeling sorry for himself, drinking constantly life that we had together.

I became uncomfortable in MY own home. I felt anxious and nervous on days when he got off work early or nights when he popped that 13th can of beer open. Who wants to live like that? Walking on eggshells all the time so as to not start an arguement. Not me.

And I won't try to sugarcoat it for you - when I kicked him to the curb - it HURT. It hurt worse than anything I've ever been through in my life. You see - I wanted a relationship with him, I thought he was the "one" for me. I begged, cried, screamed, pleaded, prayed for him to wake up and see what was happening to us. He would go through stages where he would agree with me that yes his drinking was affecting us and yes he needed to "cut down" but it never lasted. Then near the end of our relationship I just became a "naggy bi*ch" to him because I was always "on his a$$" about the drinking. In my eyes, I wasn't nagging - I was pleading for him to get help so that I could "keep" him in my life.

I'm 8 months out of that relationship and I have to say how nice it is to FINALLY have some peace and serenity in my life. Yeah I still hurt sometimes but the hurt is less and less the longer I am away from him.

Hugs.
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Old 02-18-2009, 05:52 AM
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I wonder what you would be doing if he were not physically there? Something that helps me so much is to think about my life with out my H. I just pretend he does not exist. I can see my life much more clearly when I act as though we have never met. It helps me to see what I need to do for myself.

We are separated right now. The times I have been around him in the past several months I have gotten some clarity on how little I mean to him. In turn I can see how little he actually means to me.

I feel I was somewhat taken in by the drama that pleading with him to stop using(crack) also, I think he was also glorying in the drama as well cause he had the starring role in this drama. I created at least half of it and without my input and direction it is just not as much fun for him. All the tears and screaming is fun to him. So why would I want to play this any more? I was not having fun. Now I am....
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Old 02-18-2009, 06:19 AM
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I feel like I could have written almost every sentence here. I'm at almost the same place that you are. Maybe my position is just a little different though, because I've decided that I CAN NOT just sit and do nothing. I don't like myself with him, I need to like myself more than I need to love him. My mother always had this saying that she used to refer to my AF when people would ask why they divorced. It was "peace of mind is better than piece of man". Corny? Maybe. But it's been rolling around in my head a lot lately. I decided this morning when I woke up and AH still wasn't home to put that saying into effect. I sent him a text (since I'm not sure when I'll actually see him next since he's on a binge) telling him that I have to jump off the looney bird merry go round. I can't stop him drinking, I can't make him want help, but I don't want to be with him if he's going to continue to drink. May seem cold but I also told him to live wherever it is that he stayed last night because even if he isn't willing to deal with his own problems, I'm willing to deal with mine.
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