melbear

I posted this in the newcomers and someone suggested this group so i thought i would give it a shot.


I am looking for advice for a situation i am in. I am raising my neice who is 9 and her brother who is 6 years old. They have lived with us on and off for the past 7 years. This last bit has been for the past year. Both of there fathers are in jail and there mother is hooked on every drug under the sun. my brother is the father of the 9 year old. Both fathers talk to there kids every week and they both get to go see them every couple of months. My issue is with the mother of the kids. She wants the kids to stay with her for a weekend and this is the first time she has asked me for this in a very long time. Yesterday she found out she was pregnant again and i don't know if it is that or why she was requesting the kids to stay with her. So yesterday i agreed to give it a trial run and let the kids stay with her for the evening. I dropped them off at 3 and she was fine. When i came back at 7 she was high and had the kids helping lift the sof up to look for money she said she lost. one away from the kids she told me she was selling mthadone to make money and her friend took all the pills and her money. My husband and I do not have custody of the children. She agreed to let the kids stay with us till she got her act together and that was last january. The whole time she has been getting goverment housing and getting food stamps on the kids. Needless to say she sales them for cash. I think this would be only factor on why she would ever want the kids back full time is loosing all the benifits. I need advice on what to do because everytime my neice sees her she gets her heart broken again and again. And now I even see her trying to cover for her mom saying she wasn't feeling good thats why she was acting that way. I know them seeing her like this is out of the question so my mind is made up there. But my question is should we hire an attorney and try to get custody? Should I let the kids see there mom? I don't know what to do. I do not want to take away what little hope the mother has of cleaning up her life but I do not want these kids to have any part of that lifestyle. Please help with any advice that you can.

Thanks for reading
Mel

longview

I would be able to put the needs of the kids first and look into getting custody of them. I'm not sure how that would go, though.

Many others here have more experience in that area. I know you are thinking of the children, too.

outtolunch

She is receiving financial assistance when the children are not in her care.

SIL is the parent and legal custodian of these children. It sounds like you have all the financial and moral responsibility but absolutely no legal authority.

Perhaps you might start with DCFS, first. I believe that most states have a hotline to report abuse.

shockozulu

I used to work with a non-profit where one of our jobs was to help children in abusive homes. The first recommendation we always gave out was to document, document, document. Start today by writing all of this down. Date it. Every time the children have ANY interaction with their mom, even a phone call, write it down and write it down as soon as the incident has ended, whenever possible. Also document any positive incident they have with their mother. This will help prevent anyone from claiming you are only writing down the negative stuff, and it also helps to show you are less biased.

This can help you later if you ever end up in court or have the custody questioned. I recommend you call Legal Aid and let them know what is happening. They should be able to discuss your options and what your chances are if you were to go to court for custody. Make sure they know you have had the children in your physical but not legal custody for a year. I would also make sure they know you have been financially supporting the children. In some legal jurisdictions, this can make you the de-facto guardian since the parent did not attempt to remove them from your custody (and in fact placed them with you voluntarily).

katie53

I do have guardianship. I went to a lawyer and was given it with no problem. After I was granted guardianship I found out mom was getting food stamps and med. aisstance by using the girls. I contacted social services and reported the fraud. She now owes them over 2 grand. I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn't sound to me like she's trying to clean up her act.

hello-kitty

Hello and welcome. You are a wonderful Aunt. You must love those children so much to take the situation on. Please document everything that has happened between her and the children and then talk to social services about what your next steps should be. The children need stability most of all. The mother is not stable. If she was, she wouldn't be playing these games.

As far as what to tell the kids - I tell my son nothing about his father except your daddy loves you but he makes bad decisions alot. I put the responsibility of seeing him on his father by saying your daddy loves you and he will see you when he can. I let him know that daddy comes and goes but I will always be there to take care of him no matter what. I monitor all contact so that his father can make no promises to his son. That way, when his father is around, it's a surprise. But when he's not around it's no big deal.

Have you talked to a counselor at their school or at social services? Or do you have an EAP program through work? Professional advice is in order - you are the only one who truly has the childrens best interest at heart.

Keep reading and posting here. Many people will have great advice for you.

Serenity Bound

Sounds like the first priority is the stability of the kids. I would do as the others have said, legal advice & document all she does. You say you don't want to take away any hope she has of cleaning up her life. Be honest, it sure doesn't sound like she has any intention of doing that. You've had them for a year, and even b/4 that.

Keep reading & posting here.

Hugs & Prayers coming your way.
Chris

SistersHelp

Hi Auntie,
I'm in the same boat as you, raising my niece. We went the legal custody route because my sister kept threatening to take her daughter back into her unsafe environment. It's been a really difficult and painful thing... but in the end, it's a huge relief to have a legal way to protect my niece when her mother is doing dangerous things.

The kids are lucky to have you looking out for them. I really understand what you were saying about how it hurts your niece to see her mother in bad shape... my niece has been there too. Very painful. Keep reminding the kids that they are loved and that their mother's choices aren't their fault.

I'm in Canada, so the legal aspects may be different... but if there's anything I can offer or questions I can answer, please feel free to drop me a note.

Good wishes to all of you.
Lisa

melbear

Thank you for all your advice. I will start documenting everything I know I should have the whole year that we have had them but I just always hope for there sake she would change. I am going to the school counselor in the morning to talk to her. I contacted dfs a year ago and this is were all this began they came in and she admited that she was hooked on pills and her utilites were totaly shut off at the time but the childrens services said that they found no signs of abuse or neglect and as long as the drug abuse did not result in physical or sexual abuse that they would allow the kids to stay. They also said it was ok they stayed in a home even though there was no utilites since the weather was not to cold or to hot. My faith in childrens services failed right then. I know it could have been just that one caseworker but the my faith was gone. That is when i went to the mother and told her the kids were going to stay with me. The kids lived with us from 2003 through middle of 2006 then dfs gave them back to her she was fine for the first 6 months but then began slipping and then by early 2008 she was getting bad and that is when all this went on. So she had no problem with the kids staying with us. Like I said in the earlier post I don't think she would want the kids back except for the money. But now that she is pregnant again she is still using and she is filling the kids head with tons of hopes and dreams of a new family. I just feel so quilty not letting her see the kids. I told her if she wanted to see them then she could come to my home or we would meet in a safe place but she just yells at me and hangs up. She goes weeks even a month without seeing her kids but the min. I tell her that i won't allow a overnight she goes ballistic. Sorry to ramblle on but My brain goes around and around trying to figure this out. And I am to the point I am feeling that I need to stop trying to get her to be straight for her kids because only she can do that and instead just let her go and stop trying to force the relationship with her kids on her and just let the kids be without her.

greeteachday

Lots of good advice and experience here...I just wanted to add my welcome and to thank you for being there for those kids. It's really comforting to know that you agreed to take care of both kids too so they would not have to be apart. You're a wonderful aunt!
Sadly, this mom is not going to change until she is ready and you looking out for their best interest is the best course for them...and they are the innocent victims here.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

I agree with everyone...I am so glad the kids have you!

I also want to smack the case worker you spoke to at DFACS!

Please do document everything...every cent you spend on the kids, the fact that you are NOT receiving any money from their mom (since she is getting money for the kids) and any time you talk to or see her, especially if she seems under the influence. Personally, I would talk to DFACS again, and if I got another caseworker who didn't seem to care, I would talk to their supervisor. In GA, it is illegal for an adult to live in a house without utilities on, much less a child. I'm not saying it isn't done, but still! I would also strongly suggest they get a drug screen on her, but that's just me. My stepmom got guardianship of my niece (her granddaughter) when Brit was a baby after her mom died because her dad was an addict. Luckily, he messed up enough, we never had to go through this with him...he was in jail, most of the time...and is there again, 15 years later.

I am a recovering addict, and I had to hit my bottom before I found recovery. I understand you want her to get her act together, but she's going to have to do that on her own. The fact that she is pregnant, again, and still getting high, tells me she's not ready to give up the addict life yet.

Keep reading, posting, and venting. There are some wonderful people here, and a lot are raising children of addict family members..you are not alone.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mle-sober

I got custody of a child that was not mine and who's mother was incapable by going straight to a judge. I had the mom's agreement - in fact we both went in to court together and she signed her child away to me.

I researched the laws in my state online in order to find the forms and figure out how to do this. And I had numerous conversations with the mom about how it was better for her son.

It sounds like in your case, she is sometimes understanding and grateful for you raising her children. Maybe you can get her to agree to it. Then you don't have to go through all the DFACS cr@p which is a nightmare, as we all know.

Good luck to you. You're doing a good thing. I hope you can find a way to make it legal without too much pain and suffering.

URMYEVERYTHING

I would get DYFS involved without a doubt especially if she is pregnant and using. The children should be cared for and YOU should be compensated. She is still receiving money for their care and they don't live with her??? Guess where that money goes??? Call DYFS right away. You can remain anonymous if you choose.

splendra

Yes and you should be the ones receiving the food stamps and whatever other support they are entitled to as well. Oh and go ahead and give social services a call I am sure they will see to it that you get the benefits for the kids and not their mother.