katie53

another day of stress. I'm beginning to think I'm wrong. ad called last nite to ask symptoms of a miscarrage. I was totally shocked! How could she be so irresponsible!!! She told me 2 weeks ago they were using protection as she is not on birth-control. Can't afford it. She says she is so proud of herself for staying clean without treatment, but yet can be SO... what's the word? She blows at me for getting upset and goes on and on about how I should be there for her. I am awstruck about this. I s she not even thinking about her 14 yr. old who already has a 2 yrold sister that mom also lost? Do they ever get it??? She chose to move in with a convicted felon. This is what she considers "doing well" I told her I was very upset about this and she totally switched to everything I have done wrong. She blames "that little round table" at al-anon for changing me. I actually sat here and thought "am I wrong" should I have been more compassionate? I,m just so tired of it,it's been 20 yrs. of picking up the pieces and lots and lots of money. But it's never enough. When she was in jail she apologized for all the hurt she caused and she was going to change it She wanted to go to meetings and go to a conselor. She said she realized she needed help. When she got out she was no longer interested. She said "I don't need to sit around a table and TALK about my problems. I think she has more than addiction problems, but she says she's fine. I try and talk to her to get her to calm down but there is no such thing. Thanks for listening to me again. This site is my sanity!!!!

longview

Aw. I'm so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. You know you have real reason to worry and/or be sad.

I come to the point where I have to detach with love. That didn't used to make sense to me. How can I even think of, or remember, my daughter without the worries flooding into my mind and taking over. The first step helped me on this. Admitting I am powerless over the addict. Then I automatically move on the the second (acknowledging a Higher Power), and the third, where I trust my HP with the addict and my own future.

Wow, now that I got going, it seems like that all just leads onward to the fourth, fifth, etc. steps. Hmmm. Must be something in the design.

Anyway, hugs and prayers to you and your family. I'm glad you are there for your grandchildren.

winnie12

If its never enough then why do you keep trying? sounds like you really need to detach for a while. you're recovering - she's feeling it - and she is trying to pull you back in. the only thing this shows you is that what you are doing is working. if she doesnt like what you say then she doesnt have to call you? she's a big girl and its high time she stood on her own two feet.

hello-kitty

Have you tried, "Youre a smart girl honey. You'll figure this out. I love you but I have to go now."

When we allow ourselves to get sucked into the craziness of someone elses addiction, we become crazy ourselves. You cannot help her with any of her problems because her main problem is her addiction. Until she chooses to fix that, none of her other problems with go away.

What about you? After 20 years of trying to help fix your daughters problems, I'm sure that there are somethings in your life that could really use your attention right now. Some nice things that you need to do for yourself? Something that is going to keep you busy so that you don't answer the phone when the drama calls?

Serenity Bound

katie, As long as WE let them, they will continue taking from us, whether it be money, time, sanity!! As hello-kitty said, after 20 yrs, it's time to focus on nice things for you. I know, it isn't easy, but it's time. I too, got pulled into chaos this past week, and it took some 2x4's from my sponsor to put me back on track. Actually, she even threw my own words back at me "I was a victim the first time, but now I'm a volunteer." And that's so true, I don't have to be a volunteer to my RAD's chaos. It is my choice. I can and do turn the phone off sometimes.

Yes, your AD doesn't like your program, because you are learning how to take care of yourself. Keep up the good work. Turn off the volunteer work.

God Bless you for taking care of your grand-kids. Now take care of yourself too!

Hugs,
Chris

greeteachday

katie, I think it is wonderful that you are giving your grandchildren a safe, loving environment, but I'm very concerned that your focus is so implanted on your daughter and what she is not doing right or the way you want her to...I'm afraid it is going to make you as physically sick as you are emotionally hurting now.

Step One - we admitted we were powerless over the addict and our lives had become unmanagable.

Your daughter is an addict...You are powerless. All the worry, all the attempts to change, all the questioning whether an addict can do it withouit going to rehab are not going to change her.

I found I wasn't able to truly accept step 1 until I worked Steps 2 and 3

Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.


For if I couldn't control this...and believe me I tried, I had to believe that there was a power greater than me and I had to trust that I could release control (or perceived control...I truly was powerless) over to my higher power.

I know you have gone to meetings, but have you gotten a sponsor? A sponsor could really help you to work through the steps...to shift the focus from your daughter back to you and those great kids, and to learn to detach from the insanity you live with being so actively caught up in your daughter's life.

One of my big ahhh haaa moments was realizing I was putting much less work into my own recovery than I was trying to control my daughter's recovery. Once that hit me, I was able to really start to change and work on me.

Hugs

winnie12

I know this may be crazy talk but if she were my daughter i would offer to pay for her to get birth control shots. Not for her but so that I wouldnt end up raising another child. I would not buy her pills because that's too easy to screw up on. She just sounds like she's wanting to get pregnant just to pull you in. So instead of paying for things she wants pay for something that's going to help you and her existing children.

katie53

Thanks to all. Winnie, I think you are right . I will offer. That is my no. 1 concern, that she will get pregnant again. I know I could not take care of another baby. And I know that it would put a heavy weight on her 14 yr. old She has been through enough. It amazes me. When she talks she will tell you she is doing so well. Just because she claims she's clean. but the whole addict personality is there.