inneedofchange

I tried becoming sober in August of 2007 and found this forum helpful at the time. Unfortunately I fell off the bus and haven't been motivated to get back on until now.

This past year I was diagnosed bi-polar. I'm happy to have a name and medications to deal with something that has plagued me most of my life. Still, I use alcohol to dull the feelings that the medicine doesn't help with. Basically by the end of the work day I just want to block everything out so I start drinking on the car trip home which is 38 miles...enough time to knock back three 16 oz beers.

Since my husband banned beer from the house because he knows I can't resist it, I sneak the other 3 cans of beer upstairs and stash them in my closet - usually to finish later that night. The empty cans tend to pile up on my shelves under sweaters until I can clean them out when my husband isn't home. I am always amazed at how many there are. It is really embarrasing. I don't know what I would do if he ever went in my closet and found them. He about blew a gasket when he found a beer can under the seat of my car yesterday...I know it wasn't mine because it was I brand I don't like, but he didn't believe me.

I have got to get over this illness. I am dealing with the bi-polar issue, now it's time to take this one on too.

Already it is nearing 5pm and I am thinking about that first beer. Luckily I have my son at work with me today, so I will have more of an incentive not to stop at the store.

I don't believe in a "supreme being" so there are no prayers for me, but I do believe in positive thinking and that we are all responsible for ourselves. It's time I take responsibility.

grateful2b

Hi and welcome back!

nickishine

Glad you are here! Cunning, baffling and powerful - this disease! The crazy things we do to hide it, etc.... CRAZY! You made it back and I'm glad you're here!

Fubarcdn

Welcome back. I am sending out my positive vibes of support to you.

lovinmenow

Hi and welcome. You are in the right place for a lot of support. I have been 95% sober for a 1 year now and I really feel much better for it. BTW, you hide beer cans in your closet?? ....Amateur..HA HA I am still finding bottle caps, corks, cans etc.. all over the house after a year!!! I can't believe my hubby did not find them after all that time I thought I was being so smart.

KenL

Kat

Welcome to SR. There is a lot of support here from good people who have a genuine desire to help you succeed in staying sober. These people have been here for me and I have not drank for over a month now. I thank all of them for that. Please keep coming back and reading posts and replying to threads. Eventually you may make some really good and lasting friendships.

Ken

SteveK

I'm glad you are back......Don't be afraid to attend a real meeting either, I mean you said it yourself..you came here, dried up a bit, and drank again. Your name is even innedofchange. Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.....Anyway congrats on coming back, I know the feeling....Just before I got sober, I was diagnosed bipolar...really shortly after I stopped drinking those symptoms went away. I don't think there is an alcoholic anywhere that couldn't be diagnosed bipolar....Hit a meeting...

CarolD

About 1/2 of my AA home group use meds for Bi-Polar ondition.
They all say the meds work best without alcohol.

Mega ...Welcome back to SR!

inneedofchange

Are you saying my cans aren't safe in my closet??? I know I'm stupid for that, but this whole thing is stupid. I really wanted to not drink yesterday, but it didn't happen. I feel really mad at myself now and decided not to go to work so I could do some soul searching...and I need to go clean out the closet.

ViciousCycle

You know.....it sounds like maybe you need to break "the pattern." You are in a routine.....I know I was......Get out of work......get the 16oz beers, drink, go home and stash. Rinse and repeat........it snowballs into a vicious cycle, hence my name. Maybe try breaking that pattern.......just once, get another drink of choice: a big old honkin juice or pop)....listen to a new CD on the way home for distraction.......when I look back now, drinking on the way home caused alot of inner anxiety...there is pressure in making sure you get it all down without being seen!

Just once......try something different, mix it up. It may be empowering for you......not worrying about the stash in the closet also will give you a sense of peace............baby steps......you really can do it......sometimes it is a dumb old rut we are in. I wish you the best!!

inneedofchange

Yep, I do think this is a big part of the issue. I've told myself it would be easy to switch from a can of beer to a can of soda. It's the habit of having that can in my hand as if it's a security blanket. So today I am going to the store to stock up on all of my favorite sodas...not even the diet kind. That's gotta be healthier than all that beer.

I'm trying to think positive and stop beating myself up since I know that won't solve anything.

ViciousCycle

GREAT! Little changes.........you might just amaze yourself!!!!!!!!!!! I am proud of you!