nickishine

I drank, I got drunk and now I can't stop! I feel like I've failed you guys! I have loved to be here, making friends, offering encouragement, celebrating recovery/sobriety... and now...

I feel so lost! Seeing all these new faces here, people truly struggling with their addictions, and I can't be of help! I want to come back and be stronger, but am feeling like this has been such an overwhelming battle for me because "I should know better"! AA/SR, you name and I've done it. Why???... is all I keep asking myself! Why can't "I" GET IT? How can anyone truly trust me? I'm chronic at relapsing!

I am not drunk right now and am on the detoxing end. It's so not pretty!! I want to get better because this is my son's birthday month (he died a few years ago) and don't want to be drunk/drinking/anesthisizing myself "once again"! Just am so down to where I feel I can't get back up! I'm sorry to you all!

CoF1984

Nicki, it's okay, just keep trying your hardest. Don't beat yourself up over it. We're not perfect so of course we'll mess up at times. Just jump back on with the rest of us. If you need or want to talk PM me or anyone you feel comfortable with. We're here for you.
Wes

doorknob

(((Nicki)))

Fubarcdn

We are all feeling your pain Nicki. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to lose one of my sons.
This is no reason to not keep trying though. Don't be too hard on yourself.
You had the courage to share this and you know that you have the courage to quit too.
Peace.

Music man

Nicki We aren't going away, we are here for you! We love you and you have been in my prayers and I just prayed for you right now.

We are just human and we can only do what we can.
So you got drunk so what, your here and we are here together. Nobody will judge you on drinking, as a matter of fact I respect you even more, (to thy own self be true) just by confiding in us you are a bigger person.
Don't worry about it. Don't kick yourself in the butt for this, that will only make you want to destroy yourself even more.
If you can make it through the detox period( and we can do it together)
All you have to do is change your sobriety date and work at it again.
I think I speak for all of SR when I say, it's OK, pick up the pieces and lets move on to sobriety. day 1 is today? tomorrow when ever your ready
just don't leave us here at SR whatever you do.
:ghug3 :praying

SkippyD

nikishine, I am so sorry about your little boy, that is so sad. I am a mother myself so I can understand your heartbreak, losing a child is something that should never happen, but unfortunately, sometimes it does. I think you need to surround yourself with people who can help you and comfort you. Don't try to get through this terrible "anniversary" on your own, you need help from others. Don't worry about helping us on SR we can take care of ourselves, worry about yourself and dealing with your grief without alcohol. Drinking will not make it better, just worse. Spend a sober day thinking about your son and about how much you love him. Celebrate his life by being sober today. You are in my thoughts, I will pray for you today and pray that God will shine his light on you and relieve you of your pain. I am not a religious person, but for some reason these words popped out of my keyboard!

masseyman

Nicki...I feel for you...your friends here are here for you. (virtual hug here)

You are courageous, some would fall and leave never to return....takes guts and determination to come to your friends and pour your heart out...

Love to you today nicki...

Astro

There's a saying in the rooms of AA, "We don't shoot our wounded".

We always keep a seat warm for you in recovery. So dust yourself off, sit down, and stay awhile.

cmhcali

You are in my prayers! You have let noone down. Your honesty goes a long way.

Music man

That is an awesome saying. that definitly is how I feel.

firestorm090

Nicki,

Whoa, from what I see from here, you're doing much better than you think. Just wanting to help the newcomers, and be sober for your son are great reasons to brush yourself off and start back down the path of sobriety. I really, truly, honestly know the aftermath of drinking again, I couldn't even last four days. But the folks here have shown such incredible depth of understanding toward the insidious nature of this beast with which we are struggling that I'm making a fresh commitment to becoming a sober member of this group. You are one of us, so just accept the extended hands to help you get back on your feet and begin afresh today. We're with you.

Eclipse

Hey Nicki,

Big hugs for you. Please hang in there. We can all work through this together. I am praying for you. Please keep in touch. I am here to help anyway I can..
C

justalittleone

Nicki,

You didn't "fail" us, nor let us down; there's nothing for you to apologize to us for. I fell, too, and am starting again today. I've already apologized to me, and now I'm working on getting past the guilt and bad feelings...wouldn't do me good to feel so bad that I go get drunk again.

You're here, you're safe...feel happy that you're starting again. Never quit quitting...

nickishine

Thank you!... To all of you here!

I have to be honest and say that through detoxing I have to drink a little. I don't have enough to get drunk and will not get more. I'm a 24/7 drinker... around the clock and it's been 9 days now of solid drinking. I have drank 3/4 of a beer today thus far and will not keep this up after today... I just can't! I took off my sobriety date (was 1/16/09) from my profile & signature. I will return it tomorrow with tomorrows date.

I know what helped in creating this relapse for me and will post about that later. Yes, February is a hard month -- no doubt. There was a situation that I put myself in and shouldn't have. I knew better. I'll probably post a thread on that alone cuz it's pretty overwhelming -- was overwhelming.... drinking didn't help this at all! It truly never does!

Horselover

I'm so glad you're back Nicki. That's the important thing and so very sorry about the loss of your son.

Have you contacted a doctor regarding your detox? It sounds like you might need some medical help since you are a 24/7 drinker. Your body may need some help. Just friendly advice. I am REALLY glad you are getting back up!!

nickishine

Horselover,

No, I haven't talked to my doctor. I've been down this road before with detoxing and due to having no medical insurance to really speak of... It's just too big of an expense. If it gets to be too bad, however, I will get help... promise! Thank you!

shaun00

Thanks for sharing that nicki........my heart goes out to you.

i too done a fair bit of "extra research" before finally realizing it was over..

The drinking has finished right?.....so then it is history.........and gone.

Focus on the now.....and put away the big stick that you beat youself with.

you said this...."Seeing all these new faces here, people truly struggling with their addictions, and I can't be of help"

YOU DO HELP.....by posting that its horrendous will make some of us think twice before taking a drink......

Just the word de-tox makes me grimace with fear..

Up you get girl.........god be with you.................trucker

litetalk

Hi, U dont know me, im new, joined last week, i was looking 4 a group signed up for a group that had been dead for 3 years, but a really nice person e-mailed me and told me 2 come here ( shout out 2 DoorKnob, thank you from the bottom of my heart) anyway, getting here, was to me, HP working in my life. Whoever your Higher Power is, is working in ur life also, ur here, ur not too drunk to have a clear enough head to be where u belong. Thats an awsome gift, Im so glad nothing happened 2 u while u picked up!! Just remember its a ~WE~ Program, u r not alone anymore, sometimes i still feel alone, its only been bout a week or 2 now, losing days, trying 2 get my needs met, i am critically ill, but i dont, I Wont die, I refuse to, Its nt my choice & I dont think all my Dr.s know what the heck their talking bout, so stick around, we are based on the 12 steps of AA right? The only requirement is the desire to stop drinking(using). Dosent say U cant be a member unless ur totally sober or clean ya kno? Im detoxing myself off Pain meds, cause my Dr. cares bout me & doesnt want to see me suffer but she dont relize if the medication is 2 strong, it makes me forget how sick I am, and that makes me wanna b in denial, which sends me 2 a bar, alas relapse. so I am sober, but taking my detox in my own hands. Which I dont recomend, but sometimes u got 2 do what ya gotta do. QUIT beating yourself up. U helped me today more than u may ever know!!!! ((((((((hugs)))))))))) Peace & Blessings litetalk aka mel remember....H.A.L.T/ Hungry angry lonley tired, and from the bottom of my heart, i am so very sorry for u losing ur child I am a mother of 4 boys, one just made it back from Iraq w/ a medical dishcharge wit a blood disorder & brain tumor after serving 14 months. my 18 year old is leaving anyday, hey keep screwing up his paper-work, fine wit me. * 2 other sons, 1 in reovery,thax God and one who almost died going through windsheild, take the others advise, remember his life sober think bout good times & little things like their smile, ect...it helps me sorry so long.:ghug3

Dee74

Good to see you made it back Nicki.

As you know - I'm not of the 'so you drank, so what' school LOL.
We're fighting for our lives here.

What are you thinking you'll do different this time?
D.

Hevyn

Nicki, you add alot to SR and you've helped me with the things you've shared - this thread is no exception. It's a reminder to remain vigilant at all times and remember that we never have it made. I need that. You're back and you'll be more determined than ever to get well. As trucker said, it sometimes takes that extra research before we truly are convinced in our heart the steps that must be taken. (For me, I had to be terrified that I was going to die - it should never have come to that! ) Sending love and hope to you, and know that we are always going to be here to help when you stumble.