tallulah

One of the lessons that I am learning from Al-Anon is the need to talk and the need to be heard. It is quite some lesson to sit in a group and quietly listen to someone share and give the space to do that.

I am finding this quite frustrating trying to apply this into interaction with my A. There are things we need to talk about regarding the end of our relationship and what that entails practically and he is stonewalling.

After my latest meeting with the group and with no intention of getting into a long talk before bed I spoke to my A, gave him a brief update of a couple of logistical and practical matters and said we will have to talk about this at some point. His answer was not now I'm tired. I said Ok and I didn't expect or want to get into a discussion and I am just advising him of some stuff so he can think about it. I also said we can discuss it when he has processed it. He said ok but I kind of expect he won't.

I understand I cannot make him talk but as I said I am feeling frustrated about his attitude and I suppose disappointed and sad that he is doing this.

JenT1968

I have found therapy gives me similar space, but I've yet to come accross a real-life person (I'm sure they are out there) with whom I am involved in some way, who can do this. And I am rubbish in return.

Perhaps this isn't a "space to hear and be heard" situation, doesn't sound like practicing waiting patiently for him to engage is likely to get you anywhere in the near future.

Break-ups are very hard, the practical side of it can get lost in the emotional whirl

I'm not sure what stuff you need to sort out, but if you've tried to engage him, and he's too tired at the times you've tried, and he's not coming raising the issues at other times, or making appointments with you to talk these things through, you might have to just make the decisions and write them down for him, so that he can disagree if he needs to but you are not held up.

obviously don't know if that would work for everything, but it might for some stuff?

tallulah

I suppose because he is in AA, so has the communication experience from there, and has been able to talk before I am expecting him to be able to do this now.

You're right of course. I suppose it is the feeling of being held up and, if I am honest, the feeling that he really can't be bothered is what is messing up my equilibrium.

I've tried the appointment system and he used excuses to get out of that so maybe I should just get on with it. I've said what I've had to say about the practical aspects of this so I suppose he knows and will say something if/when he needs to.

Barbara52

I found that while divorcing xAH, "talking" to him heloped not at all. He stonewalled as long as I let him. So i made the decisions that needed to be made (for me): Moved out what I wanted, wrote up the separation agreement, hired the attorney, etc. If I had waited for xAH to participate in decision making, I'd still be married.

tallulah

Thank you Barbara. I can completely understand what you are saying. I'll be in this same position going nowhere fast if I wait for some kind of break in the wall.

I'll just have to get on with things and deal with any backlash if/when it happens.

GiveLove

Writing it down helps, as was suggested above. I had a similar breakup once in my life, with an uncommunicative man, and ended up having to type up lists of what needed to be taken care of and how I planned to do so, and when. Some of THOSE got him communicating, you can bet