OT-another update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
OT-another update
I realize I haven't been around here, much lately, so wanted to let you know I'm okay.
Things are still a little rough at home. I guess this isn't really OT, as addiction is still a major issue with my stepmom. After she nearly passed out, a couple weeks ago, it is as if nothing happened in my dad's eyes.
I continued with detaching...in fact I didn't speak to either of them, unless it was absolutely necessary. I was extremely angry. I finally realized that I was, again, trying to control the situation, by making dad DO something, and he doesn't want to do it. I did apologize.
Last week, he and I got into an argument about the work we do together. It got nasty, and he called me some really nasty names. I got angry, and, apparently, my PTSD from the robbery was triggered, and I lost it. I tried to explain to him and my stepmom that, though my reaction is not their fault, it IS my stepmom's fault that her action's that night brought on all this stress. She screamed at me "don't you DARE blame this on ME!! I didn't do anything wrong!!!" Yeah, someone else poured the pills down your throat.
I talk to dad, but mostly about work only. Still not speaking to stepmom, much at all. I'm not being rude, but I'm keeping to myself. The only one I AM talking to, is Brit.
Dad and I spoke about the work issue, and that is resolved. Nothing was mentioned about stepmom. I felt as if my feelings don't matter, and that hurts. I had been posting on the codie thread, as this was more about me being a codie than anything, and am very grateful to Grateful2B for being there that night, to get me grounded.
My aunt pointed out that it's not that my dad doesn't care. He never has liked to make choices, and feels like he is being forced to make a choice between me and stepmom, doesn't know what to do, so he does nothing. She's right and it made me feel a lot better.
I've been extremely busy with work, finally had a great week with money. I called my lawyer, told him to do his dam job, because I need the felony off my record. I know I need to move out. It will take some time, but I am praying that God find a safe place for me and my cats. I still feel a little guilt that I will be abandoning dad, but I have to take care of me.
I'm sorry I haven't been around here, but I've come home, logged on, and fell asleep. I have today off, and am going to try to catch up.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Things are still a little rough at home. I guess this isn't really OT, as addiction is still a major issue with my stepmom. After she nearly passed out, a couple weeks ago, it is as if nothing happened in my dad's eyes.
I continued with detaching...in fact I didn't speak to either of them, unless it was absolutely necessary. I was extremely angry. I finally realized that I was, again, trying to control the situation, by making dad DO something, and he doesn't want to do it. I did apologize.
Last week, he and I got into an argument about the work we do together. It got nasty, and he called me some really nasty names. I got angry, and, apparently, my PTSD from the robbery was triggered, and I lost it. I tried to explain to him and my stepmom that, though my reaction is not their fault, it IS my stepmom's fault that her action's that night brought on all this stress. She screamed at me "don't you DARE blame this on ME!! I didn't do anything wrong!!!" Yeah, someone else poured the pills down your throat.
I talk to dad, but mostly about work only. Still not speaking to stepmom, much at all. I'm not being rude, but I'm keeping to myself. The only one I AM talking to, is Brit.
Dad and I spoke about the work issue, and that is resolved. Nothing was mentioned about stepmom. I felt as if my feelings don't matter, and that hurts. I had been posting on the codie thread, as this was more about me being a codie than anything, and am very grateful to Grateful2B for being there that night, to get me grounded.
My aunt pointed out that it's not that my dad doesn't care. He never has liked to make choices, and feels like he is being forced to make a choice between me and stepmom, doesn't know what to do, so he does nothing. She's right and it made me feel a lot better.
I've been extremely busy with work, finally had a great week with money. I called my lawyer, told him to do his dam job, because I need the felony off my record. I know I need to move out. It will take some time, but I am praying that God find a safe place for me and my cats. I still feel a little guilt that I will be abandoning dad, but I have to take care of me.
I'm sorry I haven't been around here, but I've come home, logged on, and fell asleep. I have today off, and am going to try to catch up.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Amy, it sounds to me like you are doing well with all this, detaching is a very healthy thing to do when done to keep yourself safe and not as a way to manipulate others.
I hope the opportunity comes soon for you tp get another place. It won't change things at home but it will let you remove yourself from the front row seat.
Cheering you on with hugs
I hope the opportunity comes soon for you tp get another place. It won't change things at home but it will let you remove yourself from the front row seat.
Cheering you on with hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Amy, i'm sorry its been hard. I feel for you and your dad. Your dad just doesnt see what's so clearly before him and in all honesty i think the older you get the harder it is to change your ways. Just keep seeking your goals - it will work out if you dont give up.
I find sometimes i confuse detachment with ignoring. I'll get really upset and then just not talk to anyone - that always makes the stress greater because typically i'm saying everything in my head that i want to say to them - i tend to walk around with a lot of bitterness and it eats me up - eventually it will come out negatively. Its better when i do talk but keep things on safe topics. I also find that pretending to be happy a lot of times helps those crazy thoughts running through my head. Crazy thoughts enter my head and i just start humming some silly song (my favorite one is The Bannana Splits theme song - yes i'm showing my age but that always pulls me through because its a happy memory from childhood). That song has actually stopped my AS in his tracks - he'd be screaming obscenities and i'd be singing and going about my business - he'd just get a blank look on his face and stop. Its not hard to confuse an addict you know.
I have to fake it but it gets me further in detachment because i'm not letting them know that they affect me - I'm taking that power back from them. When someone asks me how I am I say great. See Amy, my life IS great - its their life that sucks. I think that the whole thing is that i'm learning that what someone else does in their life really doesnt have to affect mine unless i let it. It doesnt mean that i dont get mad or get worried it just means that i dont take it personally. An addict (or codie) screaming obsenities at me does not make me what they say unless i let it. They say less and less rude comments when they dont see it getting to you. They'll probably have a few last ditch efforts to really get to you - even if they dont admit it i think they see at that point that they are out of control and you are in control.
I find sometimes i confuse detachment with ignoring. I'll get really upset and then just not talk to anyone - that always makes the stress greater because typically i'm saying everything in my head that i want to say to them - i tend to walk around with a lot of bitterness and it eats me up - eventually it will come out negatively. Its better when i do talk but keep things on safe topics. I also find that pretending to be happy a lot of times helps those crazy thoughts running through my head. Crazy thoughts enter my head and i just start humming some silly song (my favorite one is The Bannana Splits theme song - yes i'm showing my age but that always pulls me through because its a happy memory from childhood). That song has actually stopped my AS in his tracks - he'd be screaming obscenities and i'd be singing and going about my business - he'd just get a blank look on his face and stop. Its not hard to confuse an addict you know.
I have to fake it but it gets me further in detachment because i'm not letting them know that they affect me - I'm taking that power back from them. When someone asks me how I am I say great. See Amy, my life IS great - its their life that sucks. I think that the whole thing is that i'm learning that what someone else does in their life really doesnt have to affect mine unless i let it. It doesnt mean that i dont get mad or get worried it just means that i dont take it personally. An addict (or codie) screaming obsenities at me does not make me what they say unless i let it. They say less and less rude comments when they dont see it getting to you. They'll probably have a few last ditch efforts to really get to you - even if they dont admit it i think they see at that point that they are out of control and you are in control.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Amy,
I'm so sorry you are going through a rough patch with your family. You have the tools to do what you need to do. I know it's probably a little different when you have to apply all you know to your own life.
You are so smart and I'm glad you called your attorney and yanked his chain. I work in an attorney's office and we operate on the concept of putting out the biggest fire so sometimes it takes an "arsonist" to get us off our rears.
You are such an asset to so many people here but you need to take care of your life and do what you need to do. I hope things take a turn for the better soon!!
I'm so sorry you are going through a rough patch with your family. You have the tools to do what you need to do. I know it's probably a little different when you have to apply all you know to your own life.
You are so smart and I'm glad you called your attorney and yanked his chain. I work in an attorney's office and we operate on the concept of putting out the biggest fire so sometimes it takes an "arsonist" to get us off our rears.
You are such an asset to so many people here but you need to take care of your life and do what you need to do. I hope things take a turn for the better soon!!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Amy))
Please no guilt about self-care - and I do believe that getting your own place at this point would be a tremendous amount of self-care - YOU deserve a place to live that is Happy, Joyous and Free!! AND mostly without active addiction.
That is NOT too much to ask - for any of us.
I don't know that it's about asking your Dad to choose - I wonder if it's more about asking him to face the truth that is wife is an addict and things need to C H A N G E. We all know how much people fear change. It is has been my experience that many of us like to believe if we ignore it long enough it will eventually go away. The sad part as we all too well know - with active addiction - it doesn't go away - it usually gets worse.
So I'll send out prayers of comfort and also good wishes that you will be able to have your own place soon.
Keep taking good care of YOU - Miss ya!!
Rita
Please no guilt about self-care - and I do believe that getting your own place at this point would be a tremendous amount of self-care - YOU deserve a place to live that is Happy, Joyous and Free!! AND mostly without active addiction.
That is NOT too much to ask - for any of us.
I don't know that it's about asking your Dad to choose - I wonder if it's more about asking him to face the truth that is wife is an addict and things need to C H A N G E. We all know how much people fear change. It is has been my experience that many of us like to believe if we ignore it long enough it will eventually go away. The sad part as we all too well know - with active addiction - it doesn't go away - it usually gets worse.
So I'll send out prayers of comfort and also good wishes that you will be able to have your own place soon.
Keep taking good care of YOU - Miss ya!!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Amy - I'm sorry for what you're going thru, and glad you got some support to get thru it.
I do understand, my Dad was married to an alcoholic (my step-mom). I finally reached the end of my rope with her and getting sucked into all the drama that comes with that and finally I told my Dad - that's it. I'm done. I will not come visit anymore. If I do come visit I'll stay in a hotel. I will not talk to her on the phone either. He told me he didn't know what else to do, she was his wife, blah blah blah. He too did not want to "make a choice" because he was such a codie - he felt he needed to take care of her. We discussed it openly - I wasn't angry with him, I knew he wasn't really choosing her over me, and told him that and that it was OK (because it was for me) but I now had limits. He respected them and we worked around them and still saw each other and talked regularly.
I didn't live with them, so it's different, but just wanted you to know - I had a Dad that sounds very similar to yours!
(((hugs)))
I do understand, my Dad was married to an alcoholic (my step-mom). I finally reached the end of my rope with her and getting sucked into all the drama that comes with that and finally I told my Dad - that's it. I'm done. I will not come visit anymore. If I do come visit I'll stay in a hotel. I will not talk to her on the phone either. He told me he didn't know what else to do, she was his wife, blah blah blah. He too did not want to "make a choice" because he was such a codie - he felt he needed to take care of her. We discussed it openly - I wasn't angry with him, I knew he wasn't really choosing her over me, and told him that and that it was OK (because it was for me) but I now had limits. He respected them and we worked around them and still saw each other and talked regularly.
I didn't live with them, so it's different, but just wanted you to know - I had a Dad that sounds very similar to yours!
(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks everyone!
I realized, this morning, I'm not even angry anymore...I think I'm just tired of the drama, but I do have my compassion back.
((Winnie)) thanks for the insight about detaching vs. ignoring..I think that I WAS ignoring.
((Bayarea)) thanks for your insight also.
I do love my stepmom. She has always been the one person I can talk to about anything, and it will go no futher. She never, ever judges me..it's the same with her kids (my stepsister and stepbrother). Considering my dad will hold a grudge forever, and tell everyone everything, this is a huge gift.
I've just had to go back to step one, and remember that I am powerless in this situation, turn it over and focus on me. I am also trying, really hard, to be a good role model for Brit, as I feel I'm the best one to show her how to deal with life's ups and downs, right now. I feel I let her down with MY anger, but at least I've talked to her about it, and she understands about the robbery and how it's affected me and that I'm not using it as an excuse.
I really appreciate you all being here. I've figured out this codie stuff is a lifelong thing, just as my addiction is, and that even when I've got MY addiction stuff under control, it doesn't mean someone ELSE'S isn't going to come along.
Good thing I've got a tool belt I can use, now...that and a lot of good friends!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I realized, this morning, I'm not even angry anymore...I think I'm just tired of the drama, but I do have my compassion back.
((Winnie)) thanks for the insight about detaching vs. ignoring..I think that I WAS ignoring.
((Bayarea)) thanks for your insight also.
I do love my stepmom. She has always been the one person I can talk to about anything, and it will go no futher. She never, ever judges me..it's the same with her kids (my stepsister and stepbrother). Considering my dad will hold a grudge forever, and tell everyone everything, this is a huge gift.
I've just had to go back to step one, and remember that I am powerless in this situation, turn it over and focus on me. I am also trying, really hard, to be a good role model for Brit, as I feel I'm the best one to show her how to deal with life's ups and downs, right now. I feel I let her down with MY anger, but at least I've talked to her about it, and she understands about the robbery and how it's affected me and that I'm not using it as an excuse.
I really appreciate you all being here. I've figured out this codie stuff is a lifelong thing, just as my addiction is, and that even when I've got MY addiction stuff under control, it doesn't mean someone ELSE'S isn't going to come along.
Good thing I've got a tool belt I can use, now...that and a lot of good friends
!!Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Amy, what about a sober living home? I know we typically think of them as places to go after rehab but it isn't a requirement. I know it cost money to live in them and maybe one of them would work with you? Just throwing a thought out there. I hate to think of all the triggers you're facing. On the bright side, you ARE facing them and working through them. I'm sending you prayers!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Amy, Sorry it's still a roller coaster, but I'm really glad that you recognize some codie relapse going on and are taking the steps to work towards detaching in love rather than in anger. Your dad is like all of us; he can only do what he can do, in his own time and in his own way. Keep focusing on you and the rest gradually falls in place.
I like Chino's idea of looking for a sober house. Oxford Houses are pretty neat and usually very reasonable since it is just shared costs of the house. I find it a lot easier to focus on my own recovery when I am not watching the madness around me. Hugs and prayers for you and yours.
Oh...and if you move out you are NOT abadoning your dad or Brit...You are moving on in your journey!!
I like Chino's idea of looking for a sober house. Oxford Houses are pretty neat and usually very reasonable since it is just shared costs of the house. I find it a lot easier to focus on my own recovery when I am not watching the madness around me. Hugs and prayers for you and yours.
Oh...and if you move out you are NOT abadoning your dad or Brit...You are moving on in your journey!!
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
although I may wonder where you are, I don't worry so much about you because I know everything is going to work out for you. Your just that kind of person, don't sweat the small stuff and handle the big stuff.
You are an inspiration.
You are an inspiration.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks again, everyone. Winnie is correct...I'm not leaving without my cats. It may sound selfish, but it is an amends thing. I walked away from my cats I had when I was active, and I had had one of them for over 15 years. I've never forgiven myself for that, but swore I would never do that with the ones I have now.
Stepmom does not take care of the 3 we have now. Dad does, but he's often gone for days at a time. He just fussed at her, because she walked by the sliding glass door, as Mots was meowing, in the rain to be let in, and she ignored him. She only cares about the dog. If it was left up to her, they probably wouldn't be fed, and I will not leave them here to be ignored and mistreated.
I did check a website, yesterday, for pet-friendly rentals, and was encouraged. It's been busy at work, and since we are having our 75th anniversary, and running specials, it is likely to keep up for another month or so. This means more money in my pocket (or bank account) which is good.
I'm back to my positive self, and I know that God will find a place for me and my cats. My recovery is solid and I will NOT jeopardize it. If it were to get bad enough, I will leave, temporarily. There are nice motels (not crack motels) across the street from work, or I can camp out at mom-Kay's for a few nights...they live right down the road. I've never asked her, but I know I'd be welcome in one of her spare bedrooms. Her and her husband adore me, and want nothing but the best for me, so they will help me if I need it.
I feel sad for my family, but I also see that this is one more thing I can't fix. I also see that maybe this will be a good thing for Brit. When I get my own place, she can come visit me, and have a place to go to get away from the chaos.
It will work out, I know it will. It probably won't happen as fast as I want it to, but it will happen when it's SUPPOSED to
Thanks again!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Stepmom does not take care of the 3 we have now. Dad does, but he's often gone for days at a time. He just fussed at her, because she walked by the sliding glass door, as Mots was meowing, in the rain to be let in, and she ignored him. She only cares about the dog. If it was left up to her, they probably wouldn't be fed, and I will not leave them here to be ignored and mistreated.
I did check a website, yesterday, for pet-friendly rentals, and was encouraged. It's been busy at work, and since we are having our 75th anniversary, and running specials, it is likely to keep up for another month or so. This means more money in my pocket (or bank account) which is good.
I'm back to my positive self, and I know that God will find a place for me and my cats. My recovery is solid and I will NOT jeopardize it. If it were to get bad enough, I will leave, temporarily. There are nice motels (not crack motels) across the street from work, or I can camp out at mom-Kay's for a few nights...they live right down the road. I've never asked her, but I know I'd be welcome in one of her spare bedrooms. Her and her husband adore me, and want nothing but the best for me, so they will help me if I need it.
I feel sad for my family, but I also see that this is one more thing I can't fix. I also see that maybe this will be a good thing for Brit. When I get my own place, she can come visit me, and have a place to go to get away from the chaos.
It will work out, I know it will. It probably won't happen as fast as I want it to, but it will happen when it's SUPPOSED to
Thanks again!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
I really appreciate you all being here. I've figured out this codie stuff is a lifelong thing, just as my addiction is, and that even when I've got MY addiction stuff under control, it doesn't mean someone ELSE'S isn't going to come along.
Good thing I've got a tool belt I can use, now...that and a lot of good friends!!
Good thing I've got a tool belt I can use, now...that and a lot of good friends
!!Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I thought about you this morning when I woke up, and said to myself "Amy is a smart woman, has come too far to allow a setback. She'll do what's needed to take care of herself!"
I'm happy to read you have options
I'm happy to read you have options
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 561
Hi Amy,
Glad you're alright and as always, it's inspirational to see how well you are dealing with the ups and downs. Also glad to hear you're pushing the lawyer to get that felony off your record so you can get back to nursing... (if Oprah doesn't discover you first!). Lots of love to you!
Glad you're alright and as always, it's inspirational to see how well you are dealing with the ups and downs. Also glad to hear you're pushing the lawyer to get that felony off your record so you can get back to nursing... (if Oprah doesn't discover you first!). Lots of love to you!
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