katie53

Had a bd party for ad yesterday. seemed to go well,she was in good spirits. took her home after the party. out of the blue she blows up at me about how I told my step-son (in Iraq) that I love him and to stay safe. She said I never tell her that. I told her I was sorry she felt that way and I was happy that she told me and that I would say it more often. Didn't matter. she slammed the door. Now today she calls and said "what are the syptoms of a miscarriage?" I said "what are you saying?" Now mind you I have custody of her 2yr. and 14 yr. old. My husband and I are 56. This is an ad who claims to be clean after a bout in jail. She blew again telling me I am a cold B...., and she wishes I was not her mother.Just screamed and then hung up on me. What is going on with her?? She says she has not used in 8 months, but I see the same flair ups in her as before jail time. I admit I have changed. I joined al-anon a year ago and I learned I was big enabler for years of her use. I have stopped that job. I'm upset with her now that she could go and have sex with no protection when she already lost 2 and has not payed one penny for their support. She also has moved in with someone she knew about a month. He is also on probation. She told me she cannot let her P.O. find out because it is part of her own probation rules. I have a gut felling she is back to using and some how is fooling her PO officer. She is not taking any responsibility for herself. and blames me for alot of her own bad choices. She said she wanted to hear compassion in my voice when she asked me about a miscarriage. I CAN"T, not after all the responsibility I have taken on, but I wouldn't change it.

Serenity Bound

Katie, hmmm, could be hormones, could be quacking, again could be drugs. Just never know when we're dealing with an "A". I understand your frustration, we tend to think logically & take on so many of their responsibilities, and of course their blame. YOU know that none of this is your fault. Keep attending your meetings, and posting here.

Your grand-kids are blessed to have you.

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris

Impurrfect

((Katie))

It could be a lot of things, but it could just be that she doesn't like that you have changed. She is used to you being the enabler and you're not...she is going to rebel against that, and most A's will act like a 2-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, when they don't get their way.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but keep doing what you're doing. She will stop acting this way when she realizes she doesn't get a reaction from you. It may take a while, but it will happen. It will probably be hard for YOU to not react, but try it...maybe just say "gee, sorry you feel that way...I love you" and hang up. She'll get the message that her old tricks no longer work.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

katie53

yes, after she called me a cold b..... she said 'is this what al-anon has done?" when I look back, the only time she talks to me is when she needs simething. Transportation, use of the washer or some other "favor". She has never called just to say hello, how are you?

winnie12

Good grief - what is she 12? That is just pure jealousy because he is doing something honorable and she has messed up her life. I wouldnt have coddled her AT ALL for trying to compare her life to a man serving our country in a time of war. Seriously, she is having a bd party and he is in harms way by no fault of his own. You obviously have more patience then i do because I think i would have called her on that one and told her to grow up. I wouldnt care what she said or felt - that's just too self-centered.

So now she has to create a drama so that you will worry about her MORE than someone living in the midst of a war. That's just pure selfishness - she cant handle you having any concern for someone else no matter what the situation. Tell her to go to a doctor if she has a medical problem and stop doing favors for her. She doesnt want you to care about anything or anyone in your life except her - that's an unreasonable request even from a child.

MsPINKAcres

((katie))

Sounds like a quacking Pine tree to me! ha ha ha.

Please know that is not to laugh at your pain and frustrations - it just reminds me sooo much of my own AD and my soon to be ex AH. There is always drama, their pain, issues, blah, blah, blah is always worse than anyone else's - they never feel loved enough, cared for, we never do enough, say the right things or express enough concern.

WHY?

Because the disease of alcoholism/addiction tells them they are not worthy of this love. It tells them they are not good enough. It tells them they are a victim. It continually reminds them that everyone is disappointed in them and they will never ever be important.

When a person I love is in the active stages of their disease - the majority of the time they can not hear my words, see my actions, feel my healthy compassion - they can only hear their disease.

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, talks like a duck - it's probably a duck.

and

I'd have better results talking to a Pine Tree than trying to have a discussion with an active alcoholic/addict.

Hince - the quacking pine tree analogy.

I don't know if your daughter is actually using again or not - but as you say she is exhibiting old behaviors. This is when you can remember your program to know - it's not about you!!! There is nothing you can do to help her feel whole - she has to turn to her HP for that.

HUGS to you,
Rita

katie53

I LOVE THIS SITE!!! Even though there is pain, we can still chuckle.

winnie12

this just really hit home with me. This is why no matter how many good things you say they only hear that one small negative thing - I thought i was crazy for a while because i felt like i was being positive - yet he would focus on that one little negative thing i said all week. this just makes so much sense the way you put it. thank you

mooselips

((Katie)))
Experienced the same kind of thing you're going through with my oldest AS.
Ranting and raving, jealous of anyone and anything.
My son had those emotions when he was using, or coming off of drugs.


You're doing the best you can, and you're a wonderful grandmom.

When my son acted out like that, I felt I had no choice but to detach a little farther. I remember being in the shower alot when he called.

outtolunch

I am reasonably level headed but I have got to tell you, this one takes the cake. She is obviously very unhappy with herself.

We are the same age and I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through.

No doubt the consequences of her choices will soon catch up with her, again. In the meantime, does it make sense to limit your contact with her while she is in such a toxic state?

katie53

hello outtolunch, I do try to limit the time with her, like just not answering the phone. Her bf of 5 weeks keeps kicking her out and then within 24 hrs. tells her to come back. I found out she knew him 2 weeks when she started staying at his place. but, like I said she feels she's doing good beause she is not using!!! She definitely is not a happy person, just very bummed all the time. Not someone I enjoy being around. It's poor me syndrome. She just can't see that she is where she is by the choices she made. It,s just a repeat of the same story,different day, different person. She will come here, and it is an uneasy feeeling. But, her 14 yr.old is here and wants to see mom, even if it's for 10 min. so I let it go as I don't want to put the gd through any of it. When ad is around her daughter she puts on a good front, aound me it's doom and gloom. She could be waiting for me to rescue her, but those days are over. It didn't then and it won't help now. I asmit at times I would like to hug her and say "alright let me help" , but she needs ot learn on her own now. I cannot be a part of her bad choices and be her rescue team. I'm tired out.

Freedom1990

When I stopped expecting anything that resembled normal and rational behavior from my oldest AD, there was no more confusion.

Your posts keep referring to the fact she claims she is clean. I sense you still want to believe that, and that is where your confusion comes from. Don't believe it.

Don't expect anything from her anymore but addict behavior.

Don't expect her to be responsible when it comes to birth control.

Don't expect her to appreciate anything you do for her or her kids.

Don't expect her to not go off on you out of the blue.

Don't expect her to tell you the truth.

Get the picture?

:ghug :ghug

winnie12

Katie have you ever just told her that you wont listen to her problems anymore? I know she will scream and yell and try to throw guilt onto you but there may be no other way. When she starts up you say this conversation is over - and you hang up the phone. You dont have to sit and listen to her - you really do have a choice. A couple of months ago my son's AD in desperation (and while drunk of course) said "I cant do this without you - you have to help me." I very calmly said i have my own problems to deal with, i cannot and will not help you with yours.

my son, like all the rest, loves to complain to me in an effort to get my sympathy and becuase he wants me to save him. but i just wont listen anymore. example was he is in jail and he calls me to tell me how they arent taking care of his diabetes because he knows i take his disease serously. my response was "well i guess you better make sure you dont go to jail anymore." I flip the problem right back to him where it belongs.

Seren

Wow....this is exactly how my BFs AS reacts. He only picks out the very small negative things and never listens to the rest.....

Thank you J. and Winnie....

Thank you, Katie, for sharing!
HG