Aurora

I could really use some help identifying whether these are signs of drug abuse and if so, the best way to approach the problem.
I've been with my BF/fiance for a little over 3 years. He's had a number of health problems over this time; most recently with gouty arthritis. During most of the time we've been together I've financially supported him since he couldn't work because of these health problems.
He told me before he had surgery on his foot that he was concerned that he'd developed a dependency on pain killers (he was using more than indicated, going to multiple Drs/hospitals). Post surgery (November), I helped him monitor the amount of drugs taken, although I haven't been watching the past month or so. There are some things I've noticed that make me wonder if there's something more serious than the use of painkillers.

• He's hidden his hands/what he's doing if I walk into the room suddenly - when I told him I wanted to see what he'd hidden, it was his pill crusher. I know that some of his pills he puts in food (ones rough on his stomach). It seemed odd he felt the need to hide it.
• I've found ballpoint pens with the ink/top/bottom removed & white residue. He says these were to remove the drugs from the edges of the pill crusher. (wouldn't a pin/small object work better?)
• He keeps moistened cotton balls in his nose anytime we're not in public (at home, when sleeping, etc) - he says he has a runny nose.
• I find bright white, sorta powdery, dime sized smears on towels/dirty laundry (um..not to be gross, but this isn't "guy's special alone time" residue)
• Any time I've asked to go to a Dr's visit, something with appt time changes. Despite numerous monthly visits & surgery, I haven't met one of his Dr's. (Although I have seen X-Ray/MRI's, Rx's with "Gout", & Referral letters).

I'd appreciate any insight you could give. I'm naive when it comes to drug use, so I don't know whether these are flags for abuse or just a person being sick? As a bit more background: he was married before & went through cancer treatment. He feels the stress of both of them being in hospitals all the time was a factor in the break-up & that's why he doesn't want me involved with prolonged illness. I just don't want to feel blindsided if there's something worse at work here.

eaglesgirl

the only use for a pen without the ink,tops and bottoms is to snort drugs...whether it is crushed pills or coke or heroin.

The hiding things, excuses for changes in appointments, and the "I dont want you involved in a prolonged illness with me"...all excuses/lies of an addict.

Sorry to have to tell you this, but they are all red flags. My RAH (2 years, 1 month, 4 days) had so many reasons for the missing pens, the powder residue on the bathroom counters, the missing lighters. He would lock himself in the bathroom for long periods of time..."complaining" of stomach pains, quickly hiding things from me... The constant colds and viruses trying to explain away why his nose was always stuffy or runny, why he always felt sick to his stomach...(thie stomach was because he was going too long without his DOC and was in the beginnings of withdraw). The need to run out to the store for whatever, only to return about 2 hours later saying he ran into an old friend... the list goes on and on... If I only knew then....

Addicts are extremely good at telling extravagant stories and making everything look as though they are being dealt a poor hand in life... They will lie to everyone to get what they want, to keep their secret and continue using.

Please stick around and read, read, read...then post, post post...

It will help you. Others will be around with their experiences...

greeteachday

I think if things are bothering you enough that you went searching on the internet for help, than drugs are causing a problem in your life. I've never took the time to try to figure out all the different ways to use and the associated paraphanellia, but it does sound suspiciously like he is snorting his meds.
Please don't be blinded by the fact that these are "just" pain killers - they are narcotics - just like heroin and can be just as damaging and certainly as addictive.
What helped me, was knowing i couldn't change the addict - I could only protect myself and work on me. Reading and posting here and going to Naranon meetings made a huge difference.
I hope you will stick around and read and post. Hugs

serenityqueen

I'm replying to your thread not because I went through something similar with a loved one in my life . . . it was my life. I'm a recovering addict whose drug of choice (DOC) was prescription pain pills. By the Grace of God and a lot of hard work and determination, I have over 3 & 1/2 years in Recovery from the hell that I went through for 25 years after I was first given opiates for medical problems.

I never picked up Heroin, I didn't need to. All the Dr.'s that I was going to and all the hospital visits provided me with enough pain meds to keep me happy, for awhile. Then I started getting pills in other ways but I'm not going to get into that here. The reason I'm responding is from what you have shared, this guy has an addiction problem. It sounds like he is crushing and snorting (inhaling the pills into his nose through the pen) People who take meds for pain don't go snorting their pills up their nose.

I imagine the reason you've never met any of the doctors is that it's too risky for you to. You could say something that could ruin any future Rx's. I never, ever let anyone go to an appt with me and when I had surgery, I always told the surgeon to NOT under any circumstances, go out to talk to anyone in the waiting room. I made up all kinds of stories, us addicts are good at that.

As someone who has Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus, it is very easy to get addicted to pain medications but it's possible to get by day to day without using them. There are many, many others forms of meds that treat the disease, not just dull the pain. He is at a greater risk of injuring himself more by abusing these drugs and not feeling the pain. After I had my hysterectomy, I took so many of my pain pills that I tore my insides up at home without even feeling it. . . until I started hemmoraging.

I hope you will stick around here, read, keep posting and share as much as you are comfortable with. There are some really great women and men on here who have been pretty much where you are and they can give you some advice on how to help yourself from getting hurt any further from his addiction. I can't help you there, but I wanted to let you know that in this addicts eyes, he's in trouble.

God Bless,
Judy

Sunflowers

Welcome to SR! I don't have direct experience in this particular case, but I have had multiple surgeries (like 16), and I can honestly tell you that I never felt the need to hide taking medication or my illness from my husband. I would say that if your radar is going off that something is not right then something isn't right! Follow your instincts.

Aurora

I can't thank you enough for your responses - I'm so grateful to have found this site.

It's been too easy to write off the these things as him just being sick. I've read through a lot of information here, and I'm seeing him (and me) in other people's stories. But I really needed to hear from other people that his behaviors are those of an addict, not just a person dealing with illness.

Tomorrow I have an appt with a therapist we've seen before. As much as I love him, I'm afraid that so long as he lives with me he won't have a reason to get help. Hopefully the counselor can give me some guidance on how to approach this. I'm also looking into some sort of meetings (no nar-anon meetings close by, so I'm looking into Al-anon). A big part of me wants to help him get help, but from reading on here, I'm concerned that any helping hand is just going to prolong him staying the way he is. Any advice on the best way (for him & me) to do part in the most humane way would be much appreciated. Are there things I should do/avoid doing?

Spiritual Seeker

signs of drug abuse...
YEP, yes, of course.

Telling lies becomes habitual. He will Deny and rationalize.
You are moving from denial to acceptance. You see that his stories just don't add up.

If you work and he doesn't ...sounds like the perfect situation for his addiction to progress unabated. Addicton is progressive,

Is this the way you want to live? Is this your next question?

Aurora

Yes, Spiritual Seeker, that was the next question I asked myself! And I think I know the answer to that - I can't put up with the lies, distrust and second guessing. It's still fresh & painful, but I think the only thing to do is leave.
I just turned 32; we've been together since I was 28. I want a family & I can't see how the healing that he needs is going to happen any time soon. I also don't see how to rebuild trust in him (not just this most recent finding) & can't put my life on hold any longer for him.
The past 2 years I've taken care of everything - I finished putting myself through grad school while taking care of him & now working full time. It always seems like things are just on the cusp of turning around...he's about to get a new job, he's feeling a little better. That hope helps me get through for a bit, and then it's back to the status quo: I pay all the rent, household costs, 2 car payments and his health care costs.
I've been put in a bad financial situation because of all this; I'll be OK, but it will take me about 3-4 years to pay off the costs I covered while he hasn't been working. It makes me feel like a dummy for believing all the things he told me, but I saw somebody who I loved (and I thought loved me) in pain...so that's what I did.
I think my question is how to send him off in the way that's best for both of us. Any suggestions of what to do or pitfalls to avoid would be helpful.

hello-kitty

Hi Aurora. And welcome to the site. Break ups are difficult in the best of situations but they are even MORE DIFFICULT when you are trying to break up with an addict. That is because you have been his enabler for the last 4 years now. You have taken care of everything while he has been supporting his drug habit. Unfortunately drug addicts don't let go of their enablers easily. They will do everything in their power to maintain their addiction which means that they need to maintain status quo in their relationships.

I advise writing down your goals for your life. List out what is important to you - what your values are. And then write down what your personal boundaries are - the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life. Then list out what the consequences will be when someone violates your personal boundaries. The hard part is enforcing the consequences. So be firm. Tell the truth. Respect yourself. Give HIM enough respect to let him lead his life in the manner he is choosing to lead it. Remember that you didn't cause his problems, you can't control his problems and you can't cure his problems either.

Base your decisions on his behaviors not whether or not he is using drugs. Addicts will deny deny deny even if they are caught red-handed with a straw in their nose or a needle sticking out of their arms. Don't make ultimatums. Just enforce your personal boundaries. Don't ask him to do anything that you wouldn't be willing to do yourself. Be prepared for the fact that you may have to be the one to leave. Be firm. And love yourself. And don't be afraid or manipulated into thinking he can't make it with out you. He can. Give him the dignity of making it on his own.


Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.

Keep reading and posting here. You'll find lots of support and love on this board. We are all in different places in our own personal journeys. We have lots of experience that we can share with you.

Keep us posted. You are not alone.

Impurrfect

I'm far from being an expert at relationships, having been a codie with THREE XABF's, but I'm pretty sure he is not going to want to go gracefully. I would prepare myself that he will tell you what he thinks you want to hear, and make all kinds of promises. I have decided that I will not be in another relationship until I find a man who enhances my life. If someone is doing only the "taking" in my life, then there is a problem, and I think that's where you are.

Keep in mind what his actions have already shown. The best thing I've heard, from here, is "say what you mean, but don't say it mean".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

ZombieWife

My DH snorted his DOC and there were always pens pulled apart, etc.

He also went through cotton balls like a crazy man. Now, I think I know why after reading your post. Probably to keep the stuff in his nose.

His actions speak loudly. Jerking and hiding his hands is a sign of shame/getting caught.

Snorting painkillers is very popular. It gives you the instant effect instead of going through your digestive tract.