AH has cut me off financially...

Old 02-16-2009, 01:50 PM
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AH has cut me off financially...

So, this morning I was getting a bank deposit ready to drop off at the bank tomorrow. AH makes a comment about how I take his paychecks and then deposit them into my checking account. We have done it this way for at least 5 years. We used to have a joint account. AH would go partying and take the debit card. He would withdraw sums of money and not tell me. Once, he lost the debit card. I was mortified when the notices started coming from the bank with overdraft notices. Anyway, I closed that account and opened an account in my name only. We have been doing it like this since.

AH does not like my new way of handling things. I have decided to focus on myself and the kids and not stress myself over his choices. He decided this morning that I am no longer allowed to deposit his paychecks into my account. He wants his paychecks for himself. BTW, I am very frugal and do not waste money. I pay our household bills and buy groceries with this money. I NEVER splurge on anything for myself.

I have been struggling with my next move. I have been to see a lawyer. I am now trying to decide if I will ever be happy with AH, even if he quit drinking. I am not sure I can be happy with the person he has become, alcohol or not. So, now I am dealing with this jerk who not only ignores the kids and I (unless he feels like arguing), but has decided he does not have to share his paychecks with us. I am not a greedy person, but there are a lot of bills in this household. I am trying to keep up the whole "do as you please" attitude and focus on myself, but boy am I pissed off!

I have been detaching myself from him for months. At this point, my concerns are financial and the kids. I am over it, (most of the time, anyway!)
Thank goodness it is tax time so my income is up. I was hoping to save up for later on though.

Any words of advice/encouragement??
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Old 02-16-2009, 02:13 PM
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I don't know where you live, but if it was me I would be back at the lawyers and get an immediate filing going for 'legal separation' wherein the Court sets a certain amount of 'child support' and 'household support' IMMEDIATELY.

He is playing with your mind and wants to have his cake (booze) and fun life style without taking care of his obligations. That is a BIG NO NO in my book, especially since it affects 'little ones' that cannot support themselves.

Other than that, ................................. has this opened your eyes? Are you ready to say "this is NOT working, has NOT been working, and isn't going to work in the future"?

I know this is hard, and it won't get easier any time soon. But, as you continue to work on YOU and your needs and the children's needs it will get better.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-16-2009, 02:39 PM
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It would seem your HP is trying to tell you something.

If now is the best time of year financially for you, then now would be time to get a move on in whatever direction you intend to go. Maybe AH taking his income from you is just the kick in the pants you need.

If he has left you high and dry financially before, you should consider yourself warned that it will probably happen this time as well.

Get back with the attorney and let them know of the new development. The advice may change under the circumstances.

He may need a "nudge from the judge" to remind him that keeping his paycheck doesn't mean he gets to spend it all on booze.

For what it's worth, after getting left with isufficient funds buying groceries and getting utilities shut off, I had to grab the financial reins myself. I know how you feel. My ABF's paycheck goes into an account in my name via direct deposit. He gets a cash allowance. It's a constant sore spot with him. I desperately want to be financially independent as I once was so I can throw him finances back where they belong knowing it's his lack of cash flow that keeps him from drinking himself to death.

Get some legal help with this and stay strong!

Alice
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Old 02-16-2009, 04:29 PM
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I agree with Laurie... A lawyer will file so that you and the children will get the support your entitled to. I think a lawyer should be your first step...
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Old 02-16-2009, 06:45 PM
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I agree with Laurie, as well. While it might seem like a huge step, he is toying with you and with the security of his children. When my XAH started down this path, I knew that he was no longer interested in protecting me and our family. For me, it was a sign from my HP to stop taking care of someone who not only didn't protect/care for me - but who was actively hurting me and my children. To me, it seemed like we had become objects to use to prove a point.

IMO, yor husband's action is vindictive and controlling - and it serves as a good guide for the future.

The courts will remind him of his responsibility. And you will know what you actually had to do to protect your children from him.
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Old 02-16-2009, 06:56 PM
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One by one, the reasons for staying get crossed off. Financial support--cross that one off. How many items are left on the list?

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Old 02-16-2009, 07:01 PM
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Is he refusing to pay the bills?

I can see having a joint account, with $$$ going to pay the bills from both sides, but I truly don't see why he should deposit his money in your account.

He is a grown man no?

You are a double income family no?

It would be one thing if he were the sole breadwinner, and you had a clear cut deal as a stay at home Mom while he did the providing, but for me, when I went to therapy, that was the first thing the therapist had us do, was separate our finances, turns out my XGF had been using my $$$ to live off of while paying off the incredible credit card debt she had amassed on her shopping sprees.

She also used my money as a means to control me, where I went, what I did, if she could keep track of my money, she could keep track of me. Controlling someones money is a great way to control them.

Maybe I am missing something, but I have never been a huge fan of "whats mine is mine, but what's yours is mine too"

Once again, it was a therapist that suggested this to me.

I realize I am very much in the minority here, opinion wise, and my questions and observations are real ones, I don't post this just to stir the pot.
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Old 02-16-2009, 07:03 PM
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I agree with what everyone has already suggested. It's time to play hardball and legally obtain support from him to keep you and the children afloat.

You deserve so much better-someone who loves, cherishes, and respects you. :ghug :ghug
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Old 02-16-2009, 07:24 PM
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Squirrel,

Our married-with-children friends often don't believe me when I say we never argue about money. But we don't - ever - and here's our particular recipe for that.

Over time we've discovered that our household takes a certain amount of money every month to maintain: mortgage, utilities, food, pet food, vet bills, etc. It goes up and down, and there are those inevitable surprises, but generally we have a pretty good idea what to expect dollarwise.

We have a joint account. Into that goes half of the dollar amount above, from each of us. It is ONLY used for bills and household upkeep.

We also both have individual accounts. With those we do what we want.

What's ours is ours, what's his is his, what's mine is mine. No fights, no using money for control, no overdrafts, nada. If he wants to buy a porsche (miniature ), or I want to take a class, we can both knock ourselves out as long as it's our account, and as long as our half of the bills are in the joint account by the first of the month. We do NOT have an ATM card on this account, purposely.

If you're at all interested in trying something new -- and I'm not saying you should (like I said this morning) -- this might be a good system to try, and one that he can hardly argue with. Get his agreement in writing, and then when he breaks his end of the bargain you can show the lawyer the bank records. Sorry to end that on a mean note, but he sounds like, well, an active alcoholic.

Good luck no matter what you decide.
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Old 02-16-2009, 07:44 PM
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I never let my kids go hungry

They should lock every dead beat dad up and pump sunlight to them for doing that to their kids !!
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Old 02-16-2009, 07:54 PM
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Wow..some interesting viewpoints.. : )

This also happened to me at one point in my marriage to XAH.
I am a traditionalist at heart. It is my personal belief that the husband takes care of his family. I'm not saying that the wife doesn't contribute anything, but I'm not a huge fan of the 50/50 deal. Each person in a relationship brings something to it. We all have strengths and weaknesses of each other and finances can fall into that category as well. With my previous situation, my XAH earned alot more than I earned. Because of that, for me to contribute let's say $600 a month for bills to my $1400 per month salary....and he contributed $600 a month of his $3300.00 every two weeks salary seems a bit lopsided. That is def. a personal decision from family to family, but I'm sure XAH would have liked that deal.

If it bothers you, then I would at least address it with him. If you cannot reach an agreement, it seems your choices are to wait, leave or stay. I know you will find the answer tha is right for you and your family when the time is right...Takes care of yourself and big hugs to you!!
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Old 02-16-2009, 08:00 PM
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I have to say that Givelove's "Model" is the one that I also ultimately ended up with.

I think I am carrying around some resentment I wasn't really aware of, in my two long term relationships, "my" money went to the pay the bills and for us to live off of, these women were VERY frugal when it came to using "my" money to pay "our" bills. We lived on my money. I always ended up broke and struggling.

The moment we seperated our finances, I had TONS of money, the first month, I bought a car, paid first and last on a beach house, and STILL ended up loaning my GF $500 to pay her rent.

It came to light, that in both cases, they each had a 401k that 1/3 of their paycheck went into "their" retirement fund that they paid in addition to student loans and exorbitant credit card debt.

If it were truly "50/50" I would have over 100k in my retirement fund right now, but that was "their" money, made possible because I supported them.

/shrug

Live and Learn.

I would have no problem sharing ALL of my money in a relationship now if it were truly 50/50, and if half of the money "we" saved went into an account for us, but that wasn't the case in my experience.

Anyhow, that's why I asked the questions that I did...if he is refusing to pay his portions of the bills, play hardball, if he's paying his portion, I fail to see the problem.

All of my relationships were 50/50 as in I was expected to cook, clean, clean up after myself, go shopping, do my own laundry etc etc everything was 50/50, These were professional women that made very good money, I suspect if I was in more of a "traditional" relationship, I would maybe view it in a more "traditional" way.
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Old 02-16-2009, 09:30 PM
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with your obligations to your children and other personal issues and even with this economy, are you able to work so you can stow away money for when your ready to leave?.. It looks like the ship is sinking and you need to jump off.
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Old 02-17-2009, 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Ago View Post
Is he refusing to pay the bills?

I can see having a joint account, with $$$ going to pay the bills from both sides, but I truly don't see why he should deposit his money in your account.

He is a grown man no?

You are a double income family no?

It would be one thing if he were the sole breadwinner, and you had a clear cut deal as a stay at home Mom while he did the providing, but for me, when I went to therapy, that was the first thing the therapist had us do, was separate our finances, turns out my XGF had been using my $$$ to live off of while paying off the incredible credit card debt she had amassed on her shopping sprees.
He is refusing to share any of his income with the family.

Yes, physically he is a grown man.

We are a double income family.

I had a very good job which I quit when our 3rd child was born. It just didn't make sense to pay for gas and the huge daycare expense which only multiplied when the 4th child came along. I have started my own business but my income from that is limited. I can only do so much work with 4 kids, 2 of which are toddlers. If you can imagine trying to do a tax return while one kid is screaming for more juice while the other needs their butt wiped, well, you get the idea. My business is growing, but certainly not at the point where I can afford to pay for all bills while AH pockets his income. The kids are in my care while he works.

As I said previously, the only reason his paychecks go into my account is because he is irresponsible with money. To clarify, so a few of you can see that I am not completely controlling him, he is also collecting unemployment during the weeks in which he is not working and ALL of that money is in his pocket. I do not see it or have access to it. This makes up about 2/3 of his income right now.

So, I don't think I am unreasonable to think that he should contribute 1/3 of his income to household expenses. He is living here (when not bingeing) and eating the food, using electricity, talking on the cellphone, watching DishNetwork, etc. not to mention the 4 children which he is responsible for as well.

So you see, AH would be more than willing to separate our finances, as you have suggested. However, he will have no part in paying for ANY of the bills.
Hmmmm.....not quite sure how that puts food in my kiddos mouths.
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Old 02-17-2009, 05:53 AM
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Originally Posted by sillysquirrel View Post
So you see, AH would be more than willing to separate our finances, as you have suggested. However, he will have no part in paying for ANY of the bills.


It may serve you well to remember this:
In real life, if a person only works 1 or 2 days per week, that person doesn't have enough money for DishNetwork, beer, or reading light.


He sounds like an irresponsible child, and you are not his mother.

I'm sorry that you're in the middle of this craziness.
Big hugs to you, sillysquirrel.

-TC
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Old 02-17-2009, 05:53 AM
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My AH did the same thing. I paid for ALL of our health insurance, kids clothes, private school tuition for all 4, medical and dental bills, etc. I was also paying for half of the household bills and decided (when I switched jobs and he refused to pay for insurance which was $600 a month less expensive than my employers) not to pay the bills. First they turned off the cable. Guess what, he paid it. Then they quit picking up our trash. He paid that too. One day he said to me "If you don'y put a check in the electric bill by Tuesday they are going to turn off the electricity". I said "Yep, they will". Magically, it got paid.

I explained to him that either he can step up and be a man, or the judge will make him be. He said if we divorce he will not pay child support, even going so far as quitting his job and working for cash. This is who I fell in love and chose to parent 4 children with......makes me realize just how much work I have to do to get myself to a place where maybe, someday I can feel valuable enough to have relationship with another healthy adult. Or maybe not have another relationship, and be OK with that too.
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Old 02-17-2009, 06:38 AM
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It's very sad when they care more about alcohol and the lifestyle that goes with it than they do about their marriage. Even sadder when they stop caring about their children.

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Old 02-17-2009, 02:50 PM
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he will have no part in paying for ANY of the bills.
Get a lawyer
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Old 02-17-2009, 03:37 PM
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My ex had much the same attitude your AH does but he was much more passive/agressive about it. His paycheck (or unemployment if he was laid off) was direct deposited which made for a good show except that he would debit or ATM most of it back out $20-40 at a time. Anytime a bill was late getting paid or any money issues came up it was of course my fault because in his words "I give you my enitre paycheck and I hardly spend any money, you just don't know how to budget" quack quack quack.

For years I paid most of the bills and cleaned up his financial messes. About 4 years before I divorced him I wrote out a budget that showed him that he was not even leaving enough to cover his own living expenses and told him that I would not longer pay his bills or "fix" his messes, then I made him get his own health ins etc. I closed all joint credit cards, took his name of our son's college fund and refused to own anything jointly with him in the future. He still managed to nickle and dime me to death but at least I was not on the hook for any more debts.

Now that we are divorced I have more money, my ex has to pay his own way 100% (which he is not happy about at all, haha) and pay our son's health ins and pay CS (in my state you go to jail for not paying).
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Old 02-17-2009, 04:10 PM
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in IL. my wages were garnished for support due to law. I was paying support during our separation as well as after the divorce when, the law came into effect.

Depending on, a person's income, the amount of support should be in accordance with a person's ability to pay.
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