steve137

my girlfriend and i broke up last night. it stayed calm. i know she is hurting and i am hurting too. deep down i know it is for the best, but also deep down i am sad and miss her. i still want to beleive it is all not true.

sknyfats

Hang in there Steve. I glanced at a couple of your posts and it looks like your ex is no where close to being clean. Which means she's no where close to being honest & truthful with you. Which means you effectively have no real relationship.

I just went through that. I am just over a month with not talking to my addicted ex-girlfriend. Yes, I still "miss her" - a lot - but not as much as in the beginning. And, I'm realizing, most of what I miss was just "her imagination" anyway. Nothing is really real to her. Her life is filled with "moments"; and the only thing that is constant & stays in her life is her want & need to use. Nobody - including me - mean anything close to the drugs. My acceptance of my past relationship with her - and my hurting & sorrow - are changing for the good, more each day.

Several have said it best - our addicts were OUR drug of choice. You know what's what. You know what is best for you. Stay "clean". It's for your own good. You'll realize that as each new day comes & you remember & see how life REALLY is supposed to be. Not the foggy dream that we lived with with our addicts.

I wish you the best & a speedy recovery of your own.

steve137

thanks man, i beleive all of that. it is just getting through this adjustment period. she was my drug of choice. now withdraw. i definately was settling at the end. it was such an insidious change from her being amazing to slipping into her own world. it is hard to see that she didnt havethe strength to hang on. her excuses for someing pot daily were that she needed it to stay off the hard stuff and that living w her family was unbearable. i'll give her that, her family's house sucks. but once she was staying wit hme, that pressure was lifted. she didnt have to smoke every night. i woud care if it was a couple nights a week, but she needed to smoke every night and it didnt stop her from slipping wit hthe hard stuff- how often i guess i will never know. but i have to look forward to geting my life back.

sknyfats

Again - I find myself amazed at the similarities we all have with addicts & their behavior in our lives.

We have many similarities my friend. Keep in mind - things were "amazing" in the beginning because she was in need of someone like you to have around. Just like a good hunter will dress in camo's, use animal calls and/or put out a nice piece of bait out for the game he's hunting, the serious addict will do the same - keeping the addiction hidden, and, only slowly let it slip out over time - even drawing you in sometimes, (happened to me) into their world. You are only meant to see the pretty things about them because they fear if you see even ONE thing that isn't, you might run away, before they've had a chance to sink their claws into you.

In a real relationship, two people generally don't keep their faults so guarded & hidden. Healthy adult relationships involve 2 people who can be accepting of both the good & bad in one another. My addict doesn't get that. Its why, when they do something wrong that is so blatant & obvious (like when your ex took the cat & disappeared & got arrested) - it was turned back on YOU instead. It was not important what she did - but intead - a great time for her to lay into YOU for something about YOU. That whole turning of things around by my ex was mind blowing to me. I'd say about half the time - I actually walked away believing "I" was the one who had screwed up! She was good...

My ex also has a "partner" - a guy who was always around, that she'd party with. Both of them depended on each other. And, both of them would keep someone in their life who was more "stable" and "straight" than they were; for awhile, I was that guy for both of them. They even talked openly about it sometimes - in front of me, by saying "complimentary" things about me and my little to no drug use & being gainfully employed, unlike them, etc. Think of it like Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis. Some addicts, in my opinion, need that "straight man". That's what I was to her.

We were used by the manipulations of a drug addict. I could never approach my ex & talk to her about any of that. At least not while she's still heavily using. She would deny it, turn it around, whatever. It's pointless. It doesn't even make me that angry to think about anymore. I accept, finally, that she is who she is. And she is not healthy for me in any way. I'm no longer beating myself up for "wasting" so much time, effort, energy & money - or for believing so much BS. I just chalk it all up as a huge group of lessons...and I'm moving on.

You'll get through this all ok. When you're head is clear & she's not around to cloud it up - you know what is right & what isn't. Stick with the thoughts & actions that you know to be right when you're in that state of mind. Mean what you say - and say what you mean. That little phrase has kept me strong to my convictions this last month & my life is really turning back around to where it should be.

By the way - on a side note; whatever it is that she "let you see" - that you believe about her drug use...well, you may not want to believe it or maybe just can't believe it - but, you were probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Even when she was staying with you & "not having to smoke every night" - well...I'd bet my paycheck that she was either smoking when you weren't around, or taking something else...my addict played that card a few times...and I learned she NEVER slowed down...not ONCE. Not for a minute. She sure did put on a good show a few times though. Remember, addicts lie. As much as they lie - they're going to have times that their lies are obvious to everyone around them, and, other times, when they're lies are sooooooooo good - they will fool everyone around them. It's crazy. Literally.

imallright

Hey Steve.... Everything Skny said and more. You will be fine. And better than you were in relationship where you don't come first. Take it from me who lost her husband to beautiful Mary Jane!

steve137

the thing that i have been wrestling with since the fall is whether or not she is an addict. i have been thought that as an addict, she would be using nearly every day, that i would see the changes in her. all i have to go on is the old evidence found then and her odd behavior. there was the two disappearances- the night wit hthe car and this past saturday. i do know for sure she used two or three weeks ago, but what i do not know for sure is how often otherwise. i believe you that i may ony know the tip of the iceberg, but i HATE the idea of not trusting her about hte rest of the time based upon what i have seen other people do. my cousin was really bad. she used constantly. stole, lied, robbed, prostituted herself etc. all the signs were obvious. same with two other friends i knew. they'd nod off. i knew when they were high. in the months i was with her again, i never noticed anything. of course she could have done stuff when i wasnt around and maybe her living with me made it harder for her so she started going out more. she coud have been doing pills all along, i dont know. so my fear is that i made it out worse that it was. sure any use of heroin is very bad, but does that necessarily mean she is an addict?

marle

Steve, My daughter used oxycontin daily for three months and I never had a clue. She dressed nice, looked beautiful, went to the gym daily, was in college, etc. The reason she was able to hang on to things was because I enabled her to stay in her middle-class lifestyle. When she took up with her ex-crack addict boyfriend, I stopped enabling, she started using heroin because it was cheaper and it was only then that she started living the life of what we think is a heroin addict. If your ex has people enabling her, it is a lot easier to look normal and fool people. Don't go by what is on the outside. That fools many people into thinking that everything is okay. Another thing that I have found with addiction is the longer you live with it, the more things seem normal that really are not. Take care of you. I know how hard it is to let go. I was addicted to my daughter. She has that quality that pulls people into her web. Even with her being almost 8 months clean I still have to be very, very careful around her. Hugs, Marle

Hangin' In

Welcome Steve,

Sorry about the heartache you are going through. Just remember, nothing lasts forever.

Hey, have you tried meetings, Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings for yourself? I think they'd really help you understand a lot of what you are questioning and make you feel better about yourself. Why not look for one?

Hugs,
Hangin' In

imallright

Steve.... Doesn't matter if she is an addict or a user in your mind or hers... it is impacting your life negatively. You have a right to live the way you want to live and to not have drugs... screw it up. Believe me when I say you can make yourself nuts playing private detective and trying to figure out if the use is really "that" bad or just uses sometimes. You can also make yourself play the "is it really that big a deal... she really is a good person when she isn't using... or is she" game. IT MAKES YOU CRAZY!!!!! Literally. Take care of you and let her do the same.

All the best.

sknyfats

I just had to comment on that sentence. That is the TRUTH! Ya know - I "tried" heroin once. I snorted it. I consider myself lucky that, with all the things I've tried or even done "recreationally" - I've never become addicted to any of it, thank God. But, for someone who's used heroin - by shooting up (I think you said you found baggies & needles before?)...well - think about it.

For starters, most people get the heebiejeebies about needles. Secondly, most people are very well aware of the stigma of doing actual "heroin" - compared to "synthetic heroin", such as oxycontin's, percocet's, etc (pills aren't looked at in the same way as someone shooting up for some reason).

So for her to have been using that - again, I'd probably be willing to bet my paycheck that she wasn't just "trying it" or "using it recreationally". I don't think you can really shoot up "recreationally" (can you???). Especially with the alternatives such as "pills".

That was my ex's drug of choice - pills. She's a knockout. Absolutely gorgeous. She also happens to be a bartender (parent's own the bar - very enabling, even tho they despise her drug use). My point is, she's able to put on this "front" that she's not only fine - but that thing's are GREAT! The reality is, as I got to see first hand in living day in & day out with her - thing's are a mess. She is unable to cope with even the littlest things in life - good OR bad. I mean it - if something good is happening - she has to inhale, snort or swallow something. If something bad happens - she has to inhale, snort or swallow something. To those she's able to keep at a "safe distance" - they haven't a CLUE & think she's this so-well-put-together-fun-beautiful-sexy-person.

Don't get me wrong - she IS a beautiful person - but not for the reasons she thinks she is or wants people to believe she is. I caught glimpses of the real her. And it was frustrating & sad that she doesn't know how to "be herself" anymore. And, because I knew what went on behind the scene's & saw how she was living her life - I ended up becoming "the enemy" for using things she "shared with me against her" - her words. She said she couldn't "trust me" anymore - because, she felt that by sharing with me her heavy drug use/addictions - and my inability to just be "ok" with it - that I took advantage of her "opening up" to me; that I was now "using things against her" and "putting things back in her face." Darn right I was. Apparently, she didn't like what she saw either when it was presented back to her.

Her game (that she played consciously or subconsciously - doesn't really matter) was to slowly bring me in, to her world, so that I lost my sense of what was normal - so I could be the big enabling crutch she needed so desperately in order to maintain & feed so many of her needs (drugs, financial, emotional, sexual). And, to some extent, that's exactly what happened. I pride myself now in knowing that, eventually, I was able to be stronger than her manipulations - and remembered the difference between what I knew to be right & wrong, finally saying enough is enough - for me.

I guarantee, there's someone else being worked on now to take my place. And early on, she said something to the effect of "Your just like all the others; you get to know the real me & then you want to run away". If only I really DID run away, then, when I first recognized things were NOT normal. I didn't tho. Heck, that very phrase was part of what KEPT me there longer! Man, her manipulation is a freakin' art. It's crazy.

I say - consider yourself lucky. If you have to wonder now the extent of things - you're not that far into her mess just yet. Try to let go. Believe me - it is easier now than it will be later, and you'll be avoiding so much pain, frustration & heartache. My story is practicaly identical to so many others on here. Others told me so when I first came here. I believe them now. You're not wrestling with logic or rationale. You won't find the answer's you're looking for. They don't exist.

Impurrfect

((Steve))

I abused drugs for YEARS...continued to work, had my own place, no one had a clue. At some point I lost control and became severely addicted and my life spiraled down.

So, I wouldn't really worry about whether she's an addict right now...if she's at the same point I was, it's only a matter of time before she gets to the point I did. The fact is, I was using, all that time, because I couldn't deal with life. I was miserable with myself. This is not the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with...trust me. If a person can't love themself, there is no way they can love someone else.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but walk through the grief. I seriously recommend al-anon meetings. I kept choosing the same type of guy....addicts/alcholics who could not love me. I had to find out WHY I chose these guys in order to move forward.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

steve137

thank you for your support. i should have known to get out atthe first signs, but since we had a part together i was easily drawn in. there can be such a disconnect between knowing what is right and feeling good about acting on it. i feel bad i packed up her stuff and took it to her dads. but after all she did say we were hanging out saturday night and she disappeared for 15hrs without a call. it sucks to lose people to this cr*p. it has changed my opinion about drugs.

she was so happy and upbeat the first couple months, and i swear the first time i was with her and she smoked weed during the day, she started to change. it was gradual and not always noticable. then she'd went back to ok. i started to notice a change again and then after a couple weeks she told me that was when she slipped. a couple weeks later she moved in with me. the second wek was when i started noticing a lot of empty caffeine packets and by the end of the week she was hanging with her friend for three nights in a row. i am thinking staying with me made it harded for her to use. it got pent up and she went out of control.

yet knowing everything i do, and that i am better for this, i somehow still miss her and want her back. but, i want her back as the person i want her to be. it is true that there were three of us at all times; her, me, weed. and not necessarily in that order.

MsPINKAcres

Please know that you deserve a relationship that "weed" or any other substance is NOT a part of that sentence.

Everyone does.

Prayers & good thoughts going out your way - No matter what you & your HP are going to be ok - even better than OK!!

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and Serenity)

Rita